LOVE LIVES IN THE HEART

There are so many things I have wanted to write about and have been excited about but there is only one thing that stands out and fills me with emotion today.  Last night it filled me with tears.  Not long ago I asked for help naming our new little puppy.  We chose PeeWee and he has been such a joy.  He was filled with so much life and radiated love.  He would run a play with my little grandson.  They were best of friends.  Every day when everyone went off to work or school, the little bundle of love was my buddy.  As the months passed he grew.  His legs were long and he could jump and romp and was filled with life and enthusiasm.  He would stand on his hind legs so he could lay his head in my lap looking up with eyes that radiated love and emotion without the need for words from this little animal to this lonely old woman.   He was a little guy with a big heart.

Yesterday just before dark I was out back starting the grill.  My grandson had just come in with his little friend who lives next door playing in his room.  My daughter appeared at the back door telling me to keep the kids here.  She had eyes filled with tears.  PeeWee had escaped and gone out onto the highway.  He had been hit by a truck.  It was bad.  I will not go into details.

When I came in the house I could not hold back the tears and when the phone rang with her saying she needed help from Albert because it was so bad and he was suffering…..I had already called Albert and he was on his way home.  She called back to say it was over.  He was gone.  I felt such loss I could not hold back the tears.  My dog had not died…my friend and companion had died.  My little buddy was gone.  There have been some difficult times in life and he always had a nuzzle, wag of the tail and a way to make me smile.  He was gone.  He is gone.

I could not hold back the tears and felt as if I could not breathe.  I felt a small hand on my shoulder and a voice near my face.  “Mamaw…Mamaw…what’s wrong.  Tell me what’s wrong.  It’s ok…Tell me.”

There before me stood two little boys who had romped and played with the little dog and loved him just as much as I had.  They had held him as a small puppy and ran with him everyday.  They had a right to know but did not need to see.  I told them PeeWee had gone out onto the road and was hit by a truck.

The shock flashed across the two little faces and they were ready to run to the little dog.  I stopped them saying it was too late to help him and they had to stay there with me.  I explained that Zander’s mom and all of the neighbors were there with him and taking care of things.

The look on the faces swiftly changed from shock to heartbreaking grief as what I had said became real.  “I love PeeWee so much, Mamaw.”  He could say no more as tears flowed down his little face.  His friend’s face crumpled into tears beside him as he added that he too loved the little dog.

I reached out before me and hugged a little boy in each arm as we cried to gather.  Today is still a sad day as we have talked and cried some more but we are trying to remember the good times shared and the love this little animal brought to our lives.

PeeWee and the little boy were best friends.  They were play mates.  They were more than a boy and a dog.  Little Zander squared his shoulders and said he wanted to write as note for PeeWee.  He wanted to do it himself.

As his Mom and Grandpa got things ready to lay the little dog to rest wrapped in one of Zanders baby blankets, Zander wrote his own note saying how much he loved PeeWee.  He then very seriously signed his name.

I could not hike that far outside without the oxygen and my small tank was out but my husband told me with deep emotion causing his voice to crack.  They gathered around and little Zander wanted to hold the flashlight so his Papaw could dig the hole.  He then solemnly read what he had written saying good bye to PeeWee and they placed his letter in the blanket.

I have a question…Is it silly to feel such loss and grief over a dog?  To us he was more than a dog.  To me he was my little friend.  The love shared will live in the heart.  I told my grandson that love never dies.  Real love lives in the heart.

A handful of love

You could see the love shared

Little PeeWee was in the hearts of the whole family

He had his own little bed but could find some strange ways to sleep here and there too

He was even friends and played with the cats.  They had adopted him.

It took a lot of kitty patience for his puppy playing but they were family

PeeWee was not to be left out where there were fun times or play times.  If you look behind the boy and his grandpa you see PeeWee waiting for his treat too.

LOVE LIVES IN THE HEART

I AM SICK…I AM TIRED…I WILL NOT GIVE UP…NOT TODAY

I have not been on line much lately and I had said before that I would try to be as honest as possible. I am sick again.  It is nothing like when they said cancer, but then again… it would help to not have chest pains and fight to breathe.  It would help to be able to clear the fluids and not cough like it has been for me.  I remember one time when I broke a rib because the coughing spasms were so intense.  I did have pneumonia then.  I thought that is what was happening again.  I hurt everywhere. When you are sick it is not only the physical efforts that you endure to try to get well or keep going.  There are emotional aspects that have such an impact.  There is fear and frustration as you try to keep going.  There is also depression.  It can be a worrisome draggy feeling or a deep dark place where some fog of life sucking oppression descends on the spirit and soul.  How we feel inside has a lot to do with how our body can function.  If I give up I will die.

Well, I am not going to give up….not today.  I still have so much I want to do and want to share.  I am just now getting the word out about the books.  I can use all of the help that I can get.   There is so much more to the story of the books.  Every single person who gets one of the books is holding more than just a good story in their hands.  They are holding more than the covers that I worked to make them special.  They are holding a dream in their hands.  I have said so many times it has been my dream to see some of the things that I write published and I am making those dreams come true.  I will not give up.  I want the books to be more than just a story…I want them to be a reminder for each person to never give up.  I want them to know that they may have to really work and things may not be easy but if they try hard enough then who knows what the future might hold.

As I write and share these things I want to be able to share them with the world but I also want to remind myself that as hard or difficult as things may be…I am not going to give up.  There are so many things that I want to do but I get so tired.  I am trying to spread the word about the books and hope others will find them of interest.  I want to be able to continue with the projects I have on my mind. 

I am going to write the sequel to The Pumpkin Field with my grandson.  It sounds crazy to think of a co-author that is six years old but I love his ideas for the next children’s story.  He has heard it dozens of times but always wants to hear it again.  I made that youtube thing so that I could share it there too.  I messed up in a fee spots but considering the health issues it turned out all right.  One day after I had read it to Zander he looked at me and said that is not all you know.  We have to write the next one.  I asked what he thought the next one would be about? 

He smiled and jumped right in explaining his ideas.  “At the end it says it was all a dream or was it?  Well Mamaw, it was no dream.  It was real and after he got through the pumpkin field he found a path on the other side.  He went down that path and the pumpkins went with him.  They find all kinds of things and have adventures and that one pumpkin that he thinks is his friend is not as nice as he thinks.  The scarecrow even helps him find his way back when he gets lost.”

You should have seen the light in his eyes and enthusiasm.  I can hardly wait to get started.  There are so many other things I am wanting to do too though.  I have met some wonderful people here on line and miss being able to visit with them but have not been too spunky as of late.  I am also working on editing the next novel I want to release.  I still have to think of a cover for it too.  I did one from a photo I had taken and one from a painting that I painted.  The children’s book I illustrated and did the cover with pastels.  I am not sure what I will do for the next book.

I also want to do a strange book that is not yet fully formed in my mind but is ever in my heart.  I have shared fiction and written this blog and the fan page on facebook but I want to write a book that is…it is…a little of this and a little of that and a lot of me.  I want to use portions of the blog that I am writing along with things I want to share such as short stories and poetry.  I want to continue with the Journey of Journey Home in a book that I can share thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams.  I have no idea if any other person would find it of interest.  I may have to title it the ramblings of this old head.  I will find a way to make it a reality.  I think it will be special and hope it will have meaning.

I want to take the time to thank each and every person who has taken the time to share a kind thought and words of encouragement.  I want to thank you all for the prayers.  I believe in prayer and that I am not really alone.  I want to thank those who have shared information or advice to help me learn and work to make these things become realities.  Depression can be a problem but when I take the time to stop and really look at life I have so many things to be so thankful for.  There may be some stormy weather ahead here and there but there is also the sunshine or a sunset to set the evening sky ablaze.  I hope to do some more paintings,  I want to paint that path one more time.  I want to paint the sunset or sunrise which ever it is that you see when you look at it and the path that will lead me to where I need to go.

This is one of my watercolor paintings.