Count My
Blessings
Part 2
From Then To
Now and Never Give Up
I
have cried. I have felt fear. I am not so much afraid to die but can
not abide the thought of leaving those I love and all of the friends
in person and online who have been so loving and supportive in so
many ways. I still have an occasional cry but am determined to begin
the journey of living and staying alive.
I
believe in prayer and am thankful for all of those who pray for me
now and before. I know the good Lord will be with me and see me
through however things work out but am hoping and praying it will be
for me to continue in this life.
The
things that I am facing now and will face even more in the near
future are so uncertain with the final outcome but I have been
thinking back to other challenging times. Many of the thoughts and
feelings of the past are now again my present.
I
have wanted to write this for some time now. When I think of the
title it is impossible to tell of how many blessings I have had in my
life. There are some times and people that do come to mind and I can
not forget.
Right
now my thoughts have drifted back....way back. We would never have
dreamed I would be here today typing and finding so many more things
in life to be grateful for.
I
ran across some things I wrote long ago. This is from
I
went in on December 28 for a CT scan and waited for the results.
Every time I called they did not have the results. Last Wednesday I
had a doctor’s appointment and was curious to hear what they found.
I was shocked. I was happily shocked. I had not explained that last
summer I found out that the tumor under the aorta was growing. I have
lasted so much longer than the six months that we originally thought
that I had to live, but have felt for a long time that every day may
be my last.
Unless you have ever suffered a devastating
illness it is hard to explain or for others to understand what it is
like when you say that you are tired. I get so very tired there are
no words to describe what it feels like to a healthy person. You can
work or play all day and be so tired that you can not stay awake, but
it is not a frightening thing or a bad feeling such as the tiredness
that I feel. There is no way for a person to understand what it is
like to hurt and live in pain every day of your life and know there
is no escape but death. Even in the late night hours it can wake you
from a sound sleep, if you get into a sound sleep.
I had
wanted to write books to entertain and hopefully sell and help
support myself and family. I had wanted to write poetry and stories
and other things. I wanted to write things that could make other
people feel and think. I have tried to do all of these things. I have
completed 3 novels and hundreds of pages of other works. I have
written poetry and have another novel well on it’s way. I have not
been able to find an agent or publisher and fear that time may be
short. I do not and have not given up, but am very tired and have
been very close to deciding that I am too tired. I am too tired to
keep fighting to go on. I am tired of the constant pain.
When
I feel like that, I get a visit or call from friends or family but
especially from my angel boy. He really is my little angel. He makes
me smile and laugh and look for tomorrow. He helps me to live life
instead of being alive. He may never realize how very special he is,
but the patience and love he shows is beyond his age of 4. He is a
blessing. My daughter brings that little grandson to visit and helps
in every way that she can. She never forgets us and you can see the
love in her eyes.
When it took so long to get the last test
results back I feared that it was not good news. I have made sure
this time that I did not run out of the herbal tea. I have even
increased the amount that I drink. I am trying my best, but how much
can a little tea do with tumors under the aorta? Essiac tea has
helped more than others would believe.
The Jonesboro Church
Health Center has been a life line for me. We do not have
insurance or the kind of money it would take for the usual medical
care. This place has served and helped so many people for so many
years that would otherwise have had to go without any medical help.
We are not all eligible for the programs or able to afford insurance.
The clinic charges fees that are reasonable and offers not only some
medical care, but excellent care.
There
are all kinds of ways a person can do a job. They can do a job well.
They can do it proficiently and efficiently. The people that work at
this place do all of that, but they do so much more. They do their
work showing compassion, and care in a respectful and intensely
sincere manner that allows a patient to feel like a person. It allows
a patient to feel as if there are those that care about them and not
just the case that they are. I know that these people and this place
does all that it can to help me and that I would not have lived as
long as I have if it were not for them and the way that they care
about other people. When you talk about doing something special in
life, these people do it every day.
There are other people
that work with them to help. How can you thank a doctor or specialist
that takes the time to volunteer or treat at reduced, (very reduced
rates compared to the normal fees) people who have no way to pay what
they would have to pay or thank them as they deserve. The doctors
help so much more than they can realize. If you have a problem and no
way to get help you have to either live or die with it. That may be a
simplistic way to describe a difficult situation, but it is the
truth. There have been doctors, and
they know who they are, that have helped so much and did it with
heart and compassion. They work and have volunteered to help because
of the special people that they are. I believe that God knows and
sees people such as these. Bless you each and every one.
The reason it
took so long to get the results is not because I was being neglected
or overlooked but because the results seemed medically impossible and
they wanted to be sure that they had read the right results in my
report. They double checked and verified that the tumors had not
grown at all. There were no new growths. I am not well or cured, but
for over 8 months things have held as they were instead of getting
worse. That may not sound like much, but to me it is a miracle. If it
had grown as it had before, I would either be dead or not far from
it.
Instead, I am looking forward to warmer weather and our
next visit with the grandson and the times we can go down the road
and listen to the music with friends and neighbors. There is no way I
could say too much about these people and what they have done for me.
I do not think that they realize what an impact their friendship has
meant to both of us. Things are not easy for Albert. There are times
I see the worry in his eyes or the watchful way he spots when I am
too tired or the pain is unusually intense and it is time to go home.
Most of the time, he fixes our breakfast. I try my best to fix the
other meals but sometimes he does that too.
I had an idea for
a book that I wanted to write that would incorporate these blogs or
what ever you call this journal like thing I am writing and often
posting on the internet. I thought about writing a book called ‘I
Die a Little Each Day, But Am Not Dead Yet…Not Today.’ I was
afraid that it might be a little to real or depressing for those that
are close to me if they read some of the things that I am actually
going through. What I hoped for in writing such a thing, would be
that others who are going through difficult times would realize that
we can not give up. I will continue to think on that project. I have
so many things in mind that I want to do and write.
There are
so many people suffering devastating illnesses and injuries and so
many that suffer with pain, disabilities and debilitating disorders
or deadly illnesses. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy for
depression to either slowly drift in or descend like a blanket that
smothers a person. It is easy to feel helpless and hopeless. If I
allow all of that to be my lot in life, then I am already dead even
if I am still alive. I believe that there are so many people that
never really live their lives. I want to live and be alive. I want to
see the smiles of the grandchildren, hear the laughter and enjoy the
good times. I want to be there to comfort, support, show love and
care. I want to hold them and cry with them when times break your
heart. I want to be, and do, and live. How to do all of that is a
real question.
I get so
tired and hurt. I am trying to write. If there was a way for others
to know and read my words then I would not be alone. They would not
be alone either as we share thoughts, feelings and dreams and fears.
I had hoped that I could find a way to use words to reach out and
touch others. I wanted to be able to use words to paint pictures and
make people feel and think. I hope that I have done that in the
novels and other things that I have written.
The
woman who lives in the area and had the little boy that suffered the
serious burns thanked me a while back. She said that what I wrote
touched them all and that it reached others and made such a
difference to so many people that read it that the donations they
received after it was published in the newspaper were enough to meet
all of the child’s medical needs. What she told me meant so much to
me. I could not bake cakes or do a lot of the work to make the
fundraiser a success, but if my words could help an injured child,
then I had indeed accomplished what I am trying to do with that.
Maybe it helped someone else who read it.
I
have had a few letters to the editor published in the local paper,
but I do not think that these things that I write from my heart will
be read or heard. I see no way for people to even know that it is
here for them to share. If we ever get the money to go on line I
would love to have my own web site and be able to share and try many
things. I used to sculpt and paint. I liked to do bead work and
candles and many other arts and crafts. I may not be able to do a lot
of things, but who knows, if I had a place to show and share, there
might be others out there who would want to help and buy the things I
make. They might be able to feel a little less lonely as they read
some of the things I wrote or know that we are never really alone. I
do believe in God and that he is here with us. There are miracles
that happen every day and often we overlook what is right before
us.
We may have problems and pray to God saying that there is
no way we can work these things out and beg for his help. Later when
the problems are better we smile and say that we knew all along we
would find a way and we did. There are other times that things happen
and we blame God or angrily wonder how he could have allowed such an
injustice or cruelty. I do not have those answers and have even
thought them myself before. What I believe is, that if we knew all of
the answers we would be God, because only he knows all. It is by
faith and trust in him, that we may find peace and know that all is
not lost. There is more to come.
I am growing very tired and
will take a break and try to write more later today. I have so much
more I want to share, but it will have to wait.
As
I look back at the words I wrote so long ago I have many emotions and
thoughts. They would never have found the mass under the aorta if it
had not been for the pneumonia that had set in. I had coughed so hard
that I broke a rib and by accident they found the mass.
Later
in life I had a terrible pain where I had never hurt before. It
became so intense I could no longer stand it and went to the
hospital. When they x-rayed my back where the pain was, they saw so
much more. They saw the tumors in the left lung that could so
quickly end my life. I could say it was also by accident they found
them just in time....we hoped it was not too late....
When
I got home from the hospital the spot that had hurt so badly no
longer hurt at all and has never hurt there since.
What
I had written in 2010 about doctors that volunteered at that clinic I
have to tell a bit more about one named Dr. Sifford. He is amazing as
a doctor and a blessing as a human being who cares for so many and
helps in every way that he can. If I count my blessings, he and that
clinic are blessings to me and so many others.
Dr.
Sifford worked with me for years there at the clinic as I have always
had upper respiratory problems. Seeing him in different times of need
and he was always still there helping those who suffered, offered me
a chance to know him. He did not give up on those who reached out to
him. He cares. I have never known him personally or even had a cup
of coffee with him but I do think of him as my friend and my doctor.
A friend is someone who cares. Once in a while in life you meet
someone special and he is very special. My whole family feels the
same way about him and all of the help he has rendered. He is that to
so many people who reach out to him for help.
I want to make my dreams
come true and not give up.
I said that I was going to write no matter what and
be honest in what I wrote, so here I am. Honestly….I have been
tired. I have been very tired, but I am not giving up. I hurt, but I
am not giving in. It is not a stubborn attitude or ignorant denial
that I am not receiving the usual medical course of treatments. I
have more than one thing wrong and there is no recommended treatment.
My previous notes explain all of that in detail. They explain more of
the whole picture.
What they do not tell is how I have been up all night
because I hurt. By morning I could not take it anymore and spent
until now in the ER, tests, ct scans and all of that. When trying to
find the cause for the pain they found more. They found that the
tumor must have metastasized from what it had been and there is
another one large enough they do not want to wait at all for the
biopsy. They know that if they can not find a way to stop it soon I
will have no more tomorrows. WOW.. this is hard. It is so hard for my
husband and daughter. He and my daughter are the only ones that know
until now.
I have been sitting here thinking many things. I
cried. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel afraid that I will not
be able to do as I have always said….Make my dreams come true. Not
give up.
A couple of days ago I was so excited. I am going to
have one of my books published. This is what it is….
LIFE GOES ON
The Family of
five found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from their
apartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation they
accepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live and
new start in life. They had no choices except seeing their family
homeless in a rough part of the city.
Against protest from the two eldest children they
moved. The differences in all that they had known were immense. It
was not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experienced
moments that would test their sense of humor and times that would
test their strength of character.
Life became complicated. There were some difficult
issues they would have to face and how they responded could have life
altering consequences. Situations escalated for different family
members in different ways that could destroy them and those around
them or test them and force them to make choices and face the
consequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each person
learned in their own way.
This is a story of people and a place they would
work to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumph
and times of despair. It is a story that talks to many of us in
different ways as the characters struggle with life.
They had weathered the difficult transition of the
relocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for them
all. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.
I understand that publishing a book is only one step.
How can people know about it, want it, or decide to get it? I am
going to do my best. This is my dream. I want to publish it then one
other novel before the children’s book and coloring book that goes
with it. Then I have another novel completed and one I am working on.
I am not going to give up or give in. I will try to keep my dreams
not only alive, but make them come true.
As I am doing all of this, I do intend to keep a
journal type of record in my notes here and also on blogspot and any
other I might be able to start. I do at times get tired. I am still
excited about the book, but the way things are health wise is
difficult. I have been in bad shape before and am not dead yet….NOT
TODAY. Lately I have begun to wonder if this is the day. Late at
night when it is so hard, I have at times felt so alone. Then I
realize I am not alone. I believe not only in prayer, but that God
will be there with me and help to give me strength. One day at a
time….Life Goes On….just like my book.
I am going to wait and write more tomorrow. It has
been a day.
Life is filled with choices. Some are big and life
changing choices. Some are so subtle and casual that we hardly
realize we are making them. This has been a time of many choices and
decisions for me. I have been, and am so excited to see the novel I
wrote finally being put into book form. There are decisions and
choices...many choices...what font, what size, what templates, what
about the cover, the book size, design and many more. What will we
have for supper? Should I have the biopsy Surgery or no surgery? Can
I wake up from the anesthesia? Can I live through a procedure that
big? Can I survive and function afterward with part of the lung gone?
How will I manage when I first come home? How can we afford this?
Will the function test show that I can tolerate any of it? We will
know very soon. The growth rate of the tumor is not allowing me to
wait to decide. I wanted to get my book out. If the function test is
good enough they will still do a total body scan to see if it is only
the 4 we know of, or there is no use in going through all of this at
all. Every time the do an x ray they find a tumor. They checked on
the broken rib and there is the one under the aorta. They check a
vertebrae and now this one that is really growing.... and so on.
I have been trying so hard. There are no words to
tell how difficult it can be and how desperately tired I get. There
is no way to say how difficult it is, not only physically, but
mentally and emotionally as well. Now is the time that I have to make
the right decisions. I want to be there for my children and
grandchildren. I want to see them grow up and know me. I want to hold
that little hand in mine and feel the magic in the touch filled with
the love of a child. I do not want to go. I want to share laughter
and love and good times with my family and be there for my angelboy.
I don't want to go...Not today. I want to reach out to the world and
make a difference.
It seems unimaginable to share such thoughts with so
many people that I have never met. I have to say what a wonderful and
inspirational outpouring of love, care, and sharing there has been
from so many. I want to thank each and everyone one of you because
you cared. I want you to know that it makes a difference. You have
made a difference. I want to thank you for the kind words, cares,
prayers and messages. Pray that God grants me the wisdom to choose
wisely, the strength to endure and the courage to face the future and
the blessing of life for another day.
I have been so tired. Mom is doing better and has
been transferred from the ICU to a room. Tuesday they will do another
function test and then make a decision if I am strong enough to have
the surgery. I will try to keep writing. I know there are so many
with problems and hardships and I hope that we all can keep hope,
keep faith and never give up.
We
have not got the biopsy results yet. I think that if it was good news
they would have called me but want to wait and talk to the other
specialists and then talk to me in person. We kind of knew that going
on. We have no idea about the surgery. It has risks....big risks....I
may decide to just try to keep on keeping on. I may decide to give it
a try. You can not understand what it feels like to make such
choices, but life is not always easy. Mom is doing a lot better for
the shape that she is in. At her best she only has 30 percent of
heart function now. It is hard. She knows what is going on and so
does daddy.
Well....mom is stable now and
that was the good news....the other is that the tests are done...the
biopsy showed that it is malignant and not in a good operable
location. This is not good....but I am not going to give up
Today I had good news and then
some other news. I will probably be going through with the surgery
soon....and today I got the proof for the book that I wrote and
approved it. They already have it available at the one web site and
will have at two others in about 3 weeks. It may be some time before
it is available in local bookstores but I will work one step at a
time.
I
loved the feeling I had as I held my book in my hands. It was like
holding a dream and feeling there was hope. The emotions I had
during that time of life are beyond words. I did try to find words so
that others having difficult times could know they are not alone and
to never give up but there were times I was so close to feeling no
hope for myself.
The
worry for my mother was intense as she battled congestive heart
failure and some other problems. It seems that problems never come
one at a time. I guess I can think of those times a challenges.
It
seemed as if every heart beat the tumors were growing and in such a
bad location that it could easily become inoperable if we waited.
The problem was that if I was not strong enough to survive the
surgery........
At
that point they refused to do the surgery. I pleaded but the answer
was that the doctor would not do something he thought might either
kill me or leave me a vegetable on life support.. He was right but I
was desperate.
I am feeling so much better. I still get tired and
have been busy doing treatments 4 X a day but it is working. We will
find out next Friday if it is enough.
I
hope to find out today what they decide can be done. Last night was a
long one. My husband and I talked of many things...we had to make
some decisions either way. Everyday I have to wait the cancer is
growing at a rapid rate. The sooner I go in for surgery may also be
the last day that I have. Those are some intense thoughts.
I said that I would keep writing
and I am trying. I have one thing I need to decide today. Should I go
ahead and go crazy? I would not have far to go. I have been trying to
keep a positive attitude but sometimes I think I am positively going
to shatter into a million little pieces. Too many things going round
and round in my head and too tired to find a way to stop them long
enough to sort them out. Oh well, I will write on my notes, blogs,
Fan Page and take them one at a time.
Last night was not a bad night but it was a long
night. Thoughts would not quiet allowing the peaceful sleep that
refreshes. Thoughts flew round and round and the hours slowed down to
a crawl. It is not daylight yet but the new day is near.
Tomorrow I go for another pulmonary function test to
see if they can perform the surgery without leaving me on a
ventilator. Part of me is eager to begin the long recovery. The other
part fears what could be. I want a chance to live life to the fullest
doing and sharing so many things.
I want to step out and watch the sunrise of a new day
breathing in the fresh sweet smell of the morning dew. I want to see
the sky color as the new day begins. I want to feel the touch of my
grandson's magic hands as we start new adventures and share special
times.
My precious grandson hugged me last night and spoke
as he gazed directly into my eyes. "Mamaw, I'm gonna hug you
forever and ever and love you and never let you go." Now, there
is the medicine that can make a weak heart strong and a tired old
woman like me work to live and get hugs and love forever and ever.
His hands are magic. I told him that they were. I
have problems with my hands and they often ache and hurt and often
swell. That is odd because the sensory mechanism of touch seems like
a delayed response. I am loosing the feeling in both hands. I can not
feel when I type now or hot when I am cooking until later when it is
too late and I am already burned. The tests show the loss of feeling
but they do not know why or what to do. If you can not fix it I am
not going to run up more bills. Even with all of that, my bones hurt.
It is not a small pain but one that becomes a part of you as your
hands and feet twist and swell.
A look of concern crossed his small face as he stood
beside me. For one so young he is extremely sensitive. He has
concern and compassion that knows no bounds. I explained that my
hands hurt. He gently placed his little hand on mine as he slowly and
gently rubbed watching me the whole time. "Did that help, Mamaw?
Did it make it feel better?"
The look of concern and love on his small face
touched this old heart as tears welled in my eyes and it did feel
better and it made me smile. I told him that and he smiled brightly.
"I really do have magic in my hands." Now, every so often
he uses his magic hands to make me feel better.
My daughter smiled as she had some memory of long ago
about who knows what, that I had told her as a child. "Mom, why
do you tell him he has magic in his hands? He will believe you."
We did not realize that he had returned and was listening.
"Because it is true. He has so much love in his
heart and his hands that it is magic. When he reaches out to rub my
hands and ease my pain ...it is with love and....Love is magic and it
works wonders. Love makes the whole person feel better, the pain
hurts a little less and the day so much brighter. That is magic. Yes,
he has magic hands, he surely does," She had to agree.
I have had so many thoughts of so many things. I have
thought about my writing, the things I have written and things I am
writing and things I want to write. I think of the paintings I am
doing and the sketches and pictures I want to add to the children's
books. There are so many things that I want to do and then I am
tired.
I want to write all of the things from my heart for
each of my loved ones. I want to always be there for them even if it
is in a letter. I want to share thoughts and memories from the past
and dreams for the future. I need to know that I have a chance for a
future. I have to admit that I am filled with stress and
apprehension. I wish that I could have the surgery and be on my way
to a recovery, then I think of what else might be. I need to put it
in the Lord's hands and trust things will work out. I will try. I
will be back to write more soon.
I am not afraid to die....Just not today.
As
I looked back at posts I made through the years I wanted to share
hope that no matter how difficult things may be we can not give up.
There is hope and even in the darkest times we can find so many
things to be grateful for.
What
I found was too much to put in a blog. I had said it was developing
into more of a book than a blog and that is so true. There was too
much that is too intense to repeat. What I see and feel so much, is a
gratitude for the doctors who work so hard and try so hard to help.
I have been blessed with doctors that not only a very good at what
they do but care about their patients.
My
husband has not been so blessed in so many ways. I think we are lucky
he lived through much of it. He just went through a surgery to
repair some of the damage from when he fell and fractured his skull 2
years ago. When you see someone so mistreated or lack of treatments,
it breaks your heart and is so frustrating. The doctor he was finally
referred to that did the reconstruction is wonderful. Dr. Woodward
did not hesitate to help him and make his life so much easier. A
talented doctor who cares about those who come to him in need. It is
a shame it took two years before anyone would refer him.
All
of that makes me even more grateful for the care and doctors who have
done so much for me.
When
they told me of a mass under the aorta we did not know how long I
would have to live but I am still here. It is not gone but every day
really is a blessing.
When
they found cancer and I lost much of my left lung we did not know if
I would even wake up but I am here and still going. The lung
specialist is still taking care of me and looking after me. Dr.
Sifford does so much for so many. The man is an amazing doctor but
more than that,.....he cares. I met him when we had no insurance and
no way to pay for a doctor when we needed one.
He
referred me to Pro Med of Jonesboro and Greg Brooks for oxygen. What
I got was more than that. All there are caring and supportive people
who never fail to help when they can. When you need medical supplies
it makes such a difference when they show such dedication to their
clients and really care.
I
will wait for another day to share the present as I think how
thankful I am to be blessed with so many praying and showing support.
When I think of the doctors trying and working so hard to give me
more tomorrows it warms my heart and gives me hope. When I think of
the love and friendship of so many I smile and the tears are no
longer filling my eyes are replaced with knowing I am not alone.
Every
day is special. I am working my best to do the book I feel inspired
to do combining my art and words, thought and feelings, and hope for
not only myself but others. This is one of the things I will review
for my own life but there are so many others.
