I AM STILL HERE

Well, I made it.  We had our writer's meeting.  I have had to cancel so many things because I simply could not do them.  I can say that now that it is hard for me.  I hate to say that 'I can not....'  If you are around me much, read things that I write or post, or even read my own story I Will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life Is A Journey, I often say to never give up.... if you don't give up and keep trying you may be amazed at what happens.  Repetitive  phrases???? I am sure there are times some might want to hit me over the head because I have said it so often... maybe too often, but I believe it and try to live it.  I try, have tried and am trying with all my heart to do that,but there comes a time to be realistic too. 

When I started all of this I would have loved to be the anonymous writer and have all of my books published and others read them as I shared things I have worked to create or express.  No one I know is going to read a book from an author that does not seem to exist or be real that they have never heard of.  For many years I felt like an invisible person who hoped one day to be able to live my life.  I was the one who was here for the kids, family, cook from scratch, clean, take care of problems and so on.  One day I would get to go and do, but life can get in the way when you are needed to be .... and do.... and life goes on.  My health has never been good even as a child but we learn to adapt and survive or we give up and give in to die or accept and resign to what our limitations are.  I tried even as a child to realize that maybe I really can not do this or that because of.... but focus on what I could  do,...because there is more to me than a list of illnesses or limitations.  That philosophy has served me well.  I loved to write, arts, crafts, outdoors, and so many things. 

I paint pictures that are often a path to... to where we need to go?  Want to go?  Maybe one day it is the path that will take me home.

I can take a lump of clay and just start working and make a face appear.  I did ugly mugs and they are indeed ugly but each I think has expressions and emotions.

I take a piece of playdoh the children play with and make it bloom.  I love that.  We must always keep the child in us alive.  I can do it in clay too, but still love my playdoh flowers.

I like to string beads together.  This is one of my favorite necklaces to make and me from years ago.

When I write I want to write things that are truly a creation.  I want a story that is so real you can know these people not just read about a character.  I want you to see the place not just describe a scene.  I want you to get to know them as if they were real.  I want to bring them and their places and stories to life.  Can I do it?  I try in every story.

Writing for me is not just something learned, but a passion I want to share.  When I get started talking about writing I do go on.  I love to talk to others and help them to realize they too can write if it is what they want to do.  If it is something you enjoy and holds meaning for you, do what makes you happy.  I loved to write but when I finished my first novel that I wrote Journey Home, I realized it needed more than I had the ability to do.  I may be self published but that does not mean that I write, click and publish, write, click, publish and just say "Now I am an author."  I want my writing to be special and something I can bring to life.  I went to school.  The blog about Grandma goes to school tells it and so does the book of my life.  I loved it and I learned so much.  I learned not only about writing but also about how to look at what I write to make it more.  I did not give up.

I was going to try to go the traditional route in publishing.  I researched to find out how to submit to find an agent and publishers.  I worked and was so excited.  I got sick....again.  I do not go for help medically unless I have to and think I might really die.  I had enough of that when I was young.  I always think I can do it...I am tough enough.  There are times we can not do it alone and need help.  I got sick, very sick.  I coughed.  That does not quite tell the whole story.  I coughed with spasms that convulsed my body with every cough.  I could not stop the coughing.  Then the pain in my side was unbearable and I could not breathe. 

It is hard to imagine or for me to tell and others to understand, unless they have lived through coughing so severe that it breaks your own ribs.  The x rays showed pneumonia and that I had broken my rib.  It showed more than that.  It showed a mass.  I worried about lung cancer.  In my book I tell it all.  I tell about how I felt at this time and when they finally found that it was an inoperable mass under the aorta.  There is no extra room between the heart and the aorta.  Every little bit of growth is killing me.  They could not do radiation or chemo therapy and it was inoperable.  When I asked the doctor to be totally honest and tell me what I was going to do.....he said I was going to die.  I wrote it all.  In my book I told about how I felt and what was going on.

I am, as you know, not dead....not yet....not today.  It did give me a lot to think about.  I did not have time to wait to be traditionally published if I wanted to make my dreams come true.  I wanted to hold one of my books in my hands and see it be real.  If something did happen to me, I could leave part of me and my words and things I had created.  I was not sure I had time to wait for traditional publishing but was going to try.  I sent out query letters and synopsis of the story and got such nice responses, but the bottom line was that they were not taking new authors or were busy...etc, etc.

I did not know how much time I had when I got very very sick again.  Again I had pneumonia and more.  I had lung cancer and in really bad areas.  They could not take out the growths because they were in with the arteries that supplied the lung.  One was also right against the lymph nodes.  If it went through my whole system all was lost.  I was lost.  The whole upper lobe of the lung would have to go.  Could I survive that kind of surgery?  I do not always tolerate anesthesia well.  I have ended up on life support before from it.  I have taken longer to wake...hours and hours longer to respond at all after anesthesia.  It is a fear for me and this was not going to be an easy surgery.  Every heart beat the cancer grew and if it got in instead of beside the lymph nodes, I understood what that would mean.  Game over.

We could not do the surgery.  I did not have enough function left to live.  The cancer was growing and I could not get it out.  I worked.  I did the treatments every 4 to 6 hours.  I did a lot of things and finally we could schedule the surgery.  That is what I was going through this time of the year 2 years ago.  I decided to publish the second novel I wrote first and worked at it as I worked to try to live.  The title of the book is Life Goes On and I hoped it would go on for me tool

You might think of it as Post Traumatic Stress, but I think there are often times of the year that will trigger emotions we may not even realize.  In addition to remembering all that has been, I am sick again.  This time it is not pneumonia.  Something happened in my head.  I have been so tired.  I have been so weak that I could hardly walk.  No matter how hard I tried this was a tired like no other.  I could fall asleep sitting up.  I could hardly stay up and around or walk about.  I was in and out and had no life left in me.  I tried to keep going and not give up but there are no words to tell how it has been.  Maybe one day I can, but not today. 

My little grandson and I were here together.  He is my helper and my angel.  He comes here after school until his mother, my daughter gets off work.  Something was wrong.  It was so wrong.  I felt so bad.  I began to be afraid.  That feeling I have had in the past when I was close to not even living was there.  What was wrong?  I could not think?  I did not know.  I was so confused and then.... if no one talked to me or there was nothing going on....there was nothing.  There was nothing at all.  All thought processes and time had stopped.  My face felt like it was on fire and I felt so weak I was afraid of falling if I got up.  I needed help.  I was afraid I had or was having a stroke. 

My poor little grandson was stuck here with his MaMaw.  I was finally able to talk and called my husband.  All I could say was I had to go to the hospital.  Something is wrong and I need help.  He was already almost home.  He and my daughter and grandson loaded me up and off we went.

By the time we got to the hospital we feared I had had a stroke.  The ER hooked me up to monitors to monitor everything.  If I got into a dangerous situation with any of heart, oxygen level, blood pressure etc it would set off an alarm.  The alarm sounded most of 6 hours.  They were trying with meds to drop the blood pressure.  That was the problem then.  Nothing worked.  I live in a world of pain from all different things.  My back is especially a problem and every step I take is on broken bones that did not hold when they were pinned from the accident.  Injections helped the pain the the blood pressure was still ringing the alarms.

After 6 hours it dropped as quickly as it rose.  They did not keep me or run CT scans.  They sent me home.  Would it keep dropping or go back up?  I went home.  I contacted my own health care and they ordered the Ct scans of the brain.  I am so happy to say I did not have a stroke.

We do not know what happened. We do not know why.  We do not know how to help me...yet.  I am still so tired I am writing this little at a time.  More tests are scheduled.  I am so tired.  I am not giving up but felt so close.

That brings me to these last two weeks.  What good is it for me to live at all if all I am is a huge, fat, ugly, mass of helpless burden on those I love?  These are not the words from my family or friends.  This is an insight into me that I have no idea why I would ever share except there may be others who have felt such feelings or similar feelings and they need to know....do not give up.  We do not know what our future holds.

This past two weeks has inspired many feelings and thoughts though, and not all were of my own control.  Depression is real and it can be a killer.  It can kill not only the heart and soul of a person but lower your immune system and even take away your will to live.

Was I depressed...Oh, without a doubt.  Why should I go on and hurt everyday if this is all there is?  If I can not be of help to others and only a burden...why go on?  I can not get out and go places,and do things,and feel alive....maybe I am so nothing I need to get real and let go...just let go and let nature take its course without fighting to live.  I hate this huge body I live in.  Years of sickness and steroids have made me hideous.  Now I am even worse than before. Since all of this started, even my face is swollen until my eyes are slits.  I am not me....or am I?

I guess that is the bottom line.  I am just me.  I am me.  I am.  What will I be?  I have no idea.  There are more test ordered.  About the time I began to wonder if there was no hope for me there was an amazing thing.  I did not admit before but I have fallen 4 times in the recent months.  I do not bounce and it really hurts.  I hurt so much every day I did not need to hurt more.  This picture of my foot is just one of those times.

Online....twitter and fb and here one the blog.  You were there.  I was not able to RT or help you in any way but you did not forget me.  You visited me on FB and here and on twitter.  You shared about my books and blog and fan page,  You did more than RT....You touched my heart.  You gave me hope.  I may sit here all alone and type because I can not get out and around to do more, but you made it so I am not alone.  You followed and helped on my page and my husband's.  You made me feel I have friends.  A friend to me, is a person who cares.  You cared and showed it in every tweet or message or email or book of mine you got.  You are helping dreams to come true but also life to another who felt so alone.

My husband is trying to help with the books.  He knows how much they mean to me.  He is helping with more than that.  When I can not get up he works all day and then comes home and fixes supper or helps me in so many different ways.  My daughter works all day and then comes here and helps and tries in so many ways and she cares and loves.  My little grandson shows so much love.  I wrote one blog about his magic hands.... When a person touches you with love it is magic.  I may take care of him but he takes care of me too.  My friends have done more than say they care they are there for me.  I guess the only one ready to give up on me was me.


This is me before the accident....

This is me now...

I am going to write about the meeting.  I loved it.  It did have some moments, but overall I am glad I went.  I am tired and this is taking awhile to do little at a time.  I will be back soon.  I just had to find a way to say thank you and share what is going on now.  We do not know what is wrong with me so I need to focus on what is right.  I can do it.  I will not give up....not today....each and every day.