Happy Birthday My Hair Fell Out

Yesterday was wonderful as my daughter and grandson came a day early to surprise me for my birthday with a fantastic cake they made together. We enjoyed the day and it left me with a smile. I mentioned that my hair was really thinning from the chemo treatments.

Last night my scalp seemed to itch and burn a bit all night long. I tossed and turned and when morning came felt something very odd. I seemed to have my hair standing on top of my head in a lump. I started to brush it out and it came out and kept coming out. Most of it had fallen out and was tangled with the few strands left.

It is an odd feeling even though they told me this would happen. Since I was a teenager my hair has been long. It has been very long.

 I got it cut when I started with the cancer treatments knowing it would eventually fall out.

 That was a bit of a shock but as the days went by I saw my hairbrush filled with hair and in the last few days I could run my fingers through my hair and have a hand full of hair. At one point I cried. That seems silly, knowing this would come but it was an odd feeling to live it instead of say it. I thought about it and think of it this way. If the treatments are doing this to my hair they must be doing something to the cancer. It is not a sign of things ending but things beginning to offer me a chance at life.

In the last few days I have looked out the window and see the leaves that were once vibrant green turn to golden colors and now rain down brown and forgotten for this year leaving the trees bare and almost dead looking silhouetted against the sky. I sort of felt like that. I had once been filled with life and now struggle to stay alive. There have been times I felt more dead than alive. The days have been dreary and filled with rain as in my heart I have felt tears like the rain drops outside. The rain brings water to sprout new life in the Spring. The tears today quickly form to make a determination for life to come. It will be Spring this time next year before I am though with the treatments and it will be time for flowers and new life.

I feel bad I have been unable to get the book of Art, Words, and Inspirations done before Christmas. I thought it would be such a beautiful gift to not only give a book but the hope for the future to see beauty and life. Now I accept I am limited on the time and things I can do. This is taking me so long to do but I want to share the feeling, ideas and hope.

I feel more peaceful now than frustrated with the book knowing what I want to create is something to share any day any time and its time will come. Right now I think of all the love and care others have shared with me. I see the internet and even as I sit here inside, the world has kept me company. You all have reached out and touched my heart. One friend fixed a meal you would not believe with enough I had a variety for days after my other chemo treatment. Family and friends have been so loving and caring. How can I stay sad for long?

Tomorrow I go for another round of chemo and I know know how very sick I become. At one point I really feared I would not see another day and felt so desperately ill I did not mind except I do not want to leave those I love and do feel I have so much more to do in life.

Every day is special and this birthday is one I will remember.....a new day....new hope....and time to fight to live for all of the tomorrows.

Count My Blessings Part One The Pain Never Ends

 

Count My Blessings

Part One The Pain Never Ends

When I think of the title of this I realize I have too many blessings to really count. I have been blessed with family and friends that warm my heart. My little grandson has been the sunshine of my life and my daughter is always there for us. My husband knows more than any the endless days with me groaning in pain and trying my best to go on in life and be able to feel I am not worthless. Together we try each day to do the best that we can.

There are others. There are so many others who have helped. Even with all the help and encouragement the pain never ended. I have lived through a lot of pain in this life but my back and at times my foot never stopped. Even in the night, it never stopped. I began to lose hope and feel so desperate. I did not want to die but how could I live and have any real life? 

 

Even in the hospital the doctors said how sorry they were for me after the MRI and CT scans showed what was going on in my spine. They can not give strong pain medication or I might now be able to breathe and the lung I have left might begin to fill with fluid. They offered counseling.

Eventually I was referred to a pain management specialist named S_ _ _. I will not call him a doctor. I have never been closer to giving up in my life than after one visit with him. He had not read any of my records or considered any other problems I might have. He announced that my only problem was that I was lazy. I was selfish being so lazy to my family and all around me. He said he was going to go in and do a nerve branch block and I needed to get an exercise bicycle.

I told him I had been going to the Health and Wellness center 3 times a week and it was helping so much and I was able to loose 1 ½ to 2 pounds a week. He announced that was useless and a waste of time. I was just lazy.

I asked how he would prevent excessive bleeding and swelling if he did anything to the spine. He paused and looked confused saying he saw no reason it would be a problem. I reminded him on what blood thinners I was on. I knew he had not even read my medication list let alone any other health issues.

He told me to quit taking them for two weeks. I was outraged and repeated what the cardiologist said after the 4 stints were put in. He told me I would die if I did not take them and allow the stints to heal in place. He said to not even miss a single dose let alone two weeks.

The response was to hand me a prescription for pain meds and tell me to just skip a day or two and he would do what he thought was best. He ranted on saying I was worthless and lazy and other things. He said there was no excuse for lazy people like me.

I did what I thought best and never went back. I did not fill his prescription and just went home. When I got home his loud and abusive tirade echoed in my mind. Memories began to flood in of my mother and grandmother.

I remembered my grandmother laughing and smiling and all of us gathering together for every holiday. I remember her as health issues seemed to be stealing away the joy and ability to enjoy life for her, no matter how we tried. The answer for her was medication and more medication. Pain meds, antidepressants, muscle relaxers, tranquilizers and more. Medications to treat the side affects of other pills. At that time it was common and sometimes still is, to treat anything with pills and if that does not work just give more pills with more side affects. She had a whole case full of pills and still suffered with pain as her spine deteriorated more and more. The more it hurt the less she moved until she was a prisoner in her own body. The suffering as she lay with bed sores growing and not even able to turn over was heart breaking.

I remembered my mother, who we had just lost, suffering with spine pain and eventually almost bed-fast and in a wheelchair. She had lived most of her life on so many pills of all kinds. So many pills and each with their own side affects. There were times she drooled from her mouth and could not even talk but always more pills.

There are no words to explain what I felt that night after my visit with S_ _ _. I have never been closer to giving up. I wondered if there was any hope for me at all. I did not want to leave my family and felt I had so much more I wanted to do in life but what hope was there left?

The level of pain I endured made controlling my blood pressure impossible. Terrible pain can not only steal the joy from life but kill a little at a time or even quicker if the heart gives out or a massive stroke lay in the future.

I tried one last thing and agreed to see another pain doctor named Dr. Gera. By then, I had begun to feel there was no hope left for me. You can only live so long when the pain never ends before the body gives up. Our life was filled with challenges. With Albert unable to work we often had to go to food pantries for what little they could help with. Worry about if we could afford the blood pressure medications and others I was on made me dread the day I would end up with a stroke lying in a bed and nothing to fill the hours but more pain. Hope was dim or almost gone.

Dr. Gera did so much more than ease the pain. Dr. Gera restored my hope for life. He not only is an amazing doctor but a person of heart and care for others. He has done so much for me there are really no words to tell. He did the same thing for my husband as he suffered head aches that incapacitated he and left him no peace or hope. What can you say about someone who cares and dedicates their life working to ease the pain and suffering of others?

 

http://goo.gl/Wg5erh

My whole family is grateful for the help he has given me. My little grandson said he has been so worried about me. He said he could feel how sick I was and he loved me and wanted to help me but did not know how. Then he smiled and said he could tell I am doing so much better and seem happier. He smiled even bigger and told me someday I could go outside with him and Papaw (Albert) and we could all roast hot dogs together. They gathered up their things and headed out to cook our supper. When they came in they were smiling as little Zander announced that he cooked my hot dogs himself and did them just like I like them.

 

What Dr. Gera did for both of us helps our whole family. I don't know if he could ever really know what a difference he makes. We had to go and pick up my medical supplies. The woman there noticed I was doing so much better and I told her it was because of Dr. Gera. A big smile came on her face as she told me her sister and sister's husband also went to Dr. Gera. She told me how grateful the whole family was. Her sister had gone to Dr. S_ _ _ and after one visit was so devastated and depressed she had to seek counseling and they worried she might become suicidal. The woman was filled with outrage as she continued to tell of how destructive that one visit had been. Her sister had been told she was just lazy and apparently the same treatment I had received. 

 

I asked how her sister was doing now and she said thanks to Dr. Gera, she and her husband were doing great and so much happier than she had been in years. She told me how her whole family is grateful to Dr. Gera and I shared our story too.

If you know of someone in the North East Arkansas area I hope you share this with them if they are in pain and know the hopeless feeling not knowing where they can turn. I trust this man with my life as well as my care as he works so hard to help in this difficult time of life.

If I wanted to count my blessings I would have to say Dr. Gera is that. He is a blessing to not only my husband and me but so many others.

Today Is The Day

             I posted this pictures asking what would Today Is The Day mean to you. I have heard so many responses and each different. When I thought of it my feelings were not those of hope filled with the beauty of life. I had begun to feel hopeless and tired. When I say tired, it is more than a lack of sleep. When I say tired, it is an immense feeling through and through. I have hurt so long with no way to escape the constant pain. I have tried to adapt and adjust and find ways to go forward and find meaning in life. In the last few years I have survived cancer, heart issues and even more than that. I began to feel tired.

            When I wrote the book telling the story of part of my life called I will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life is a Journey    ( US    http://www.amazon.com/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=la_B004PVDVR4_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412205803&sr=1-3     and UK   http://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1412205856&sr=8-3&keywords=linda+nance   I  intended to not just tell about my life or things I had done or plan to do. I wanted to share the thought that as hard as life can become, we can not give up. There may be so much beauty and happiness ahead we would miss if we fail to find ways to reach out in life. I still believe that and have been delighted at the responses to the book. I wanted to write something that could reach beyond the pages and touch or help others. I wanted to be able to use words to share life and created hope.

            That brings me back to this post Today Is The Day. I had said so many times that I would not give up....not today, but had begun to question if that day was near. Is Today the day????? It is not a suicidal thought but one of lost hope. I have worked most of my life to overcome problems and try to go forward in life. I have worked very hard to not just be alive but to live life the best that I can. I do have some health issues to deal with. I do not have to do anything but quit working so hard to keep going and find my health declining.

            Living every hour in pain takes a toll. I finally was able to find a doctor who prescribed medication to help but the pain is still unending. I think of my beautiful grandsons and children and see the trees beginning to change color and realize what a wonderful world and precious life this is.

            I recently had a procedure done to block the pain in a portion of my back that radiates all the way down to my foot. I have to admit I was afraid. When you deal with nerves and the spinal cord there are so many things that can go wrong. My foot still has broken bones that after being pinned re-broke. My bones are now too fragile to hold the pins. Every step has been with pain and even sitting resting, it often throbs.

           I had been warned that the procedure was painful and it was. What happened after that amazed me. I did have some numbness down the leg as if it was partly asleep but I did still have feeling and could tell if it was being touched but I felt no pain. My back in that area was not hurting, my leg did not have the terrible cramps and pain and even more than that.....my foot did not hurt. For 14 years I have lived with the pain in my foot. It did not hurt. I must have appeared unhinged as I sat moving it back and forth watching it and even thumped it on the floor. My husband looked concerned and asked if I was alright.

            I had to smile and laugh saying “Oh yes. I am more than alright. It does not hurt. I can not believe it. It does not hurt.”

            I know there are many more procedures to go and there are no guarantees but I have hope. I do not hope to be fully healed and young and healthy because I know that is not to be. I hope to be able to enjoy the wonderful people and times in this life. I hope to be able to make a difference and do many things. I hope to be able to share the love of those around me.

            Yesterday is gone and will never be again. Tomorrow is not yet here but Today is the day..... May we live for today, learn from yesterday and look forward to tomorrow with hope and joy in our hearts.

            Today Is The Day....... yes it is. Every new day is the day to remember we can do so many things if we do not give up....not today.

 I love to use my water color paintings to be able to add words to share....

From Then To Now and On To Tomorrow

          I have wanted to write this for some time but finding the right words to share this part of a journey in life has been a challenge. There are so many things to tell and complicated in many ways.

          I first walked into St. Bernard's Health and Wellness center almost a year ago. I say that I walked but I hobbled, shuffled and struggled every inch of the way. I was dragging my little trolly thing that held the big bottle of oxygen I have had to use since the cancer made it necessary to remove so much of my lung. Constant fatigue was something I had been living with as I tried to survive but the heart issues were almost more than I had the strength to overcome and continue to believe I could do it.... what ever 'it' was. The building was beautiful, clean and has fantastic huge windows all around. The impressive sight lasted only moments before the fear of falling took over making my way to begin sessions my cardiologist has scheduled for rehab, after I had problems resulting in 4 stints in my heart.

          I can try to explain how tired I was but the truth is that I was almost bed-fast at that point. I had become so weak that just being alive was a challenge. The thought of an exercise program seemed almost impossible but the doctor thought it necessary and I was going to try my best. I was trying my best to stay alive.

          Many people go to a gym to get into shape or loose a bit of weight. The outlook and pressure to accomplish goals is quite different from someone who feels they are working to live or die and have no way to tell what the future would hold and those who enjoy health and vigor with no understanding of the feeling when those wondrous things in life are no longer theirs to enjoy. The moods and reactions also may differ from person to person. I saw some people bursting with energy and health ready to do amazing things. Other people seemed almost angry feeling pressured by doctors to endure things they felt were beyond them. Seeing the changes after they began their routines was amazing. I had no idea what to expect or what to do. I felt vulnerable and fragile but determined to try with all my might.

          From the moment I first entered there were people there smiling, helpful and supportive. Working with the public allows a person to develop a professional demeanor being friendly and helpful in what ever capacity they have but these people radiated warmth and welcome. That helped but I had a long way to go even to get from the front door through the lobby and up the elevator to the place I needed to be.

          You can try to be brave but I was afraid. I was afraid I would not be able to do what I knew I had to do to regain my strength and improve the circulation and keep the stints open. I was intimidated in unfamiliar circumstances and surroundings. The last thing I wanted was to have another heart attack. I knew no one there. Everyone where I was going had suffered their own problems and health issues. Each one was there working toward goals of their own and for their own reasons. Some seemed determined to push through their hardships with amazing courage. They were not doing it for their doctors or others who might see or know of their work. They were working to survive. Some seemed almost angry and appeared or expressed their feelings of hopelessness and fruitless efforts doing things so difficult for them they were miserable. Those attitudes and irritated angry individuals were met with the same smiling encouraging attitudes of supportive help from the staff as those who arrived smiling and ready to begin their work. I do not know what I appeared to be when viewed by others. I was just so very tired and afraid.

           The staff was supportive and caring as they made sure I safely made it to the cardio rehab area. What I found there was amazing in many ways. Every precaution was taken to protect me and help me. The medical staff there for us were so competent but also radiated such a positive and professional manner you could not help but smile and know you could give it a try. When we arrive they took our blood pressure and pulse, respiratory and hooked up the monitor for the ekg I would wear whenever I exercised. Knowing they could see what the heart was doing was a bit more reassuring but also knowing there was such caring and competent staff who were not only there but attending to each of us the whole time and a doctor also in the building had me ready to see if I could do this thing what ever it was.

          They have an amazing array of machines to exercise in many ways. I have a crippled foot and severe back problems. I live in a world of pain and every step making this thing I was about to do a challenge. Walking on a treadmill is impossible. Many of the things some can do I can not. They did have a machine that held my back in alignment and worked not only the legs but arms as well. It was work. It was a lot of work.

          There were many other people there with their wires and electrodes in place ready to start their own routines. I felt the outsider but that feeling was short lived. There are many things in life that are contagious. Attitudes can be something that is shared too from one to another. Even the other patients had such a positive outlook and a smile for the new comer. Jim and Vicky and all of the others who worked there made you feel not only cared for and protected but encouraged and supported in an understanding but encouraging manner. They may think they work there and are doing their jobs but they are doing so much more with the way the work with people. They are touching lives and helping others to find a way to not only stay alive but live and smile, feeling hope.

          My first session I worked as hard as I possibly could and lasted 5 minutes before I was literally shaking and feeling as if I had hit the limit of my strength. I felt a fear not knowing if I would even be able to walk to leave and go home but I knew they did have wheelchairs if needed and they would be there for me. I did not want to have to have help or a wheelchair. I wanted to make it on my own and walk out just as I had walked in, however slow it may have been. I did and I made it but I noticed they watched after me making sure that I was alright That was the beginning.

          The insurance only allowed a certain number of visits and I was determined to get the most out of each visit that I could. There were times that I hurt. I was always tired. The tired I felt was not the same as I had know in healthier times. This was a tired that felt as if the life had drained from me leaving very little left.

          I suffered several set backs with times I could not go to do the work so necessary for me to improve. I did not just have the heart issues to deal with. I had the limited pulmonary function from not only COPD but also the removal of the whole upper lobe of my lung from cancer. I had a mass under the aorta that gives a bit to think about and great concern about blood pressure. I had been on many medications trying to control the blood pressure but had been known to run 220/110 from time to time and most times ran unacceptably high no matter what we had tried. I believed and they saw from different times in the hospital that the level of pain greatly affected the blood pressure. I lived in a world of pain from the back, foot and many other areas of the body. They were afraid to give pain medications because one of the major issues was the fact that in reducing the level of pain, the medications also reduced lung function. I understood the general idea that it would not do any good to stop the pain in the patient if I went to sleep and lung function decreased killing the patient. Most times I would have gratefully taken that risk just to ease the pain. The doctors were not willing to take that risk so I pressed on with this new program to keep the blood flowing and stints open.

          When I said that I suffered several set backs, they were ones that were not just limiting or inconvenient but things that put me back in the hospital. A simple cold can become a big issue for me and pneumonia can be life threatening. If I thought I was tired when I started, that round gave me time to wonder if there was any hope at all to keep going. Was all of the pain, work and effort just making me more miserable for nothing? When I got back to the sessions at St. Bernards Health and Wellness Institute where I had been doing the sessions the doctor had ordered, I was again met with people who seemed so confident and encouraging it made no difference if I believed it would help or not. Their continued care gave me the strength to do one more session....one more minute on the machine....one more stroke of the handles. One more. One more session, one more day, one more reason to hope I had a chance to live.

          I will not tell you that I am an optimist who suffers no doubts or depression. When I fell, everything on me hurt. Falling was a fear that was a very real threat for me. I ended up not only in the ER but admitted. When they had finished the X-Rays and tests the doctors had a serious talk with me explaining what all they had found and seen. The condensed version is that I am getting old and worn out. They did not say it in that manner and were very kind and trying to not depress me with the diagnosis and prognosis but I had demanded honesty. The only way I can emotionally deal with all of this, is if I understand what I am facing to try to make a plan of what I will do. They did not want me to give up but to understand there are limitations to what I can do or expect from the work ahead of me. Nothing they told me was news but it confirmed how difficult it would be to accomplish improvement and how painful and demanding it would be.

          I went back and continued to work one session at a time and minute by minute with amazing results. The blood pressure was coming down. It helped with the back problems and the breathing became much easier and greatly improved. I began to feel a passion with every visit. The other patients or people there in the programs of their own were such a blessing with their friendly and courageous attitudes working and pushing forward. 

 

          One day as I was sitting at the table off to the side where my blood pressure was checked and the electrodes for the ekg were put into place I watched. Before me were row after row of machines of all kinds. A group of other heart patients were steadily walking on the treadmills there. Step by step they continued each at their own pace. As I watched the people, their expressions and their progress, the thought occurred to me that they were not walking.....they were marching. They were not marching forward to a destination of location or to a challenge of event such as a soldier would in battle. They were marching to an objective of health and life. They were an army of people working side by side to survive each encouraging those around them but also in a solitary mission of their own.

          I had an occasion of what they diagnosed as a TIA or some call a mini stroke. It is more than the loss of movement and feeling. At the time I felt such confusion and could not understand why my left arm would not move. I did not understand why my body had become so heavy and I felt numb. I know what the symptoms mean especially with the problem I have with blood pressure but could not think any better than I could move.

          It took a lot of work to get it all going again but the program and people there were a life line for me and I was able to go back and work on again....one more time....one more step, one more repetition, one more minute.

          There were times I wanted to quit but feared I might not only decline in health and ability to function but actually die. The thought of death does not hold the fear for me it does for some. There are times I wondered why I had worked so hard and hurt so much when I could have just given up and let it all end. Let all of the pain and hurtful things in body and mind be over was a thought that battled with the desire to try just a little longer and harder.

          I would get online on the computer and hear such wonderful kindness and thoughtful words across the screen from so many people. They will never know how much it meant to me seeing their encouragement and expressions of hope. I would look at my family and friends and see that something special that makes you try a little longer or harder. I would look at my grandson and know I could not give up. He is my little ray of sunshine. He makes me smile and feel in my heart there is more in life that I need to do. He believes in me and I could not give up and leave him.

          When he was little he would rub my hands when they hurt and it always brought such a smile to my face and did ease the pain. Was it the feeling from the rubbing, the relaxation from having the hands messaged, or the feeling of love he radiated as he did what he could to make his grandmother feel better that made it all better? I told him he had magic in his hands and it made me so much better. Love is magic. Love can do amazing things and this little kindness and effort did so much and brought a smile not only to my face but to my heart. He believed in the magic.

          As the years passed he grew older and smiled at me one day. “Mamaw (That is what he calls me) I don't really have magic in my hands, do I?” I had to laugh before I answered.

          When I told him Mom, my daughter about the conversation she frowned and asked me why I tell him such things? I told her exactly what I told him. “To me, he has magic in his hands and I will tell you why. When he rubs my tired old hands they do feel better. Is it magic, rubbing or knowing he does what he does because he loves me. Feeling like you are loved is a magic feeling and it makes the world brighter. Love can make you feel better. That is magic. Yes I do think he has magic in his hands.... and he makes me smile.”

          She had to laugh when I told her and he thought on it for a while before he answered. “OK Mamaw. If you think it is magic I guess I will believe in magic. I do love you.”

          What does it take for a person to find the strength to go on and keep trying when life gets hard and things cause pain? I really do not have the answers but believe it is a combination of things. I can not refrain from expressing how much I believe in a higher power. We can call God by many names but for me he is ever there and I believe in the power of prayer. Is it the combination of positive thoughts from others or an answer from above? When I hear from all of those who remembered me, there is a power to inspire me to never give up. To each and every one of you who have taken the time to communicate with me, weather I was able to answer or not, I hear you and feel so much from you that I want to thank you and let you know that you make a difference. Finding the strength to go on for me is a combination of many things but it is not giving up each and everyday. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I want to live the best that I can for this day.

          I am not eligible for the continued cardio rehab program the doctor prescribed but have been able to continue working through the St Bernards Health and Wellness Institute as a member there and now have finally been able to find a pain management doctor that seems to be doing his very best to help me find a way to survive in this body and this life. With all of this time working there, amazing things are occurring a little at a time that are in themselves like small miracles. Combined exercise and medications are showing my blood pressure near normal. That is something I have not seen for so many years I can not remember when it was something for me to have. I could breathe easier. I could do more. We had always checked and kept constant monitoring of my oxygen levels as I worked but we were seeing it holding in not only safe numbers but really good numbers. After all of these years I could actually exercise and still breathe and not have my oxygen level drop. We did a night study to see if I could survive on the pain meds while sleeping without the oxygen level dropping..... and this is without the oxygen. I did good. I did really good. Is it the work or a miracle? I am the same person with the damages of life and illness but doing so much better is so many ways.

          The new doctor is working with me as a whole patient and not just the complaint of pain. He seems concerned to help me as a person and not just complaint or number on a chart. I had one doctor who ignored all about me except his own narrow view and was determined to treat me like with a total disregard for other health issues and go into the spine doing what ever he decided I needed to do. I asked what would happen to my spine when he went in with me on all of these blood thinners and he ignored it. I demanded to know if the excessive bleeding would not be a problem and he arrogantly announced I was to quit the blood thinners for two weeks and he would …....I have never felt so frustrated and endangered. This man could kill me and his whole attitude was that my problem was that I was lazy. If I worked harder I would be in better shape and I needed to get an exercise bicycle and forget the wellness center that had seemed to help so much. He said it was a waste of time and I should do as he says if I do not want to live in severe pain for the rest of my life. I could go on for hours about this man but will keep it short and say there is no way to describe my disgust and anger for such a person who is called doctor. Who knows how much suffering, despair and damage this man has caused to others? When I asked him if he would guarantee I would not have a heart attack or the stints close up killing me he glared at me. I reminded him the cardiologist told me not to miss a single dose and he prescribed the rehab that had helped so much, he did not answer for some time as he gave me what I thought was a look of contempt. He finally told me he would check with the cardiologist and then begin what he had planned for me.

          The cardiologist made it clear I was not to stop the blood thinners or anyone go into my spine at this time. I decided I would never go back to this man or allow him any treatment for me no matter how bad the pain was. I could quit taking my heart and blood pressure meds anytime, lay down and die and suffer less than in his hands. He had left me feeling so helpless and hopeless that I faced a future with no relief at all from this body that trapped me in pain even in the late night hours robing me of sleep, peace and hope to keep going.

          I did not know if the new doctor would accept me or what to expect from him. What I have seen so far is a competent and caring doctor that is working with me and the other doctors to safely help me. I am now on mild pain meds and muscle relaxers that help. I can not take strong medications and safely be sure to breathe through the night and an addiction to the drugs would only result in building a tolerance requiring higher doses with more side affects. Physical therapy has been prescribed in addition to the medications. We were back to the problem that it is not one nerve involved but the whole lumbar and sacral region and the respiratory problems and other health issues including a crippled foot. Working in water was what was finally decided. Working to strengthen and increase flexibility without doing more damage to old joints and bones seems safer in water. I know it will tire me and make me sore and hurt but the pain from working to get stronger is so much different that pain from more injuries in falls or as inactivity slowly or quickly erodes what strength and ability I have left.

          I am doing it. I am in a program of physical therapy at the same place and going to continue to use the machine that has helped me so much so far too. I have been so pleased to meet and am getting to know them in this department too. It is a relief to be in the hands of competent and caring people who encourage and inspire you to go forward in challenges that could make a whole new future enabling me to do more and not only be alive but live life. Each and everyone I have met in this place from the first I see when I come in the door to the professionals who care for me and help me work to the wonderful people there working each in their own way sharing a smile and encouraging word are a blessing.

          I am ever so thankful for the caring and dedicated physicians that have worked to help me stay in this world and do better. The nurses and medical personnel are often overlooked in all that they do but I will never forget all they have done for me.

          Knowing that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come but today is the blessing I have to do with as I am able and choose, is a thought I keep near to me. I may not be promised tomorrow but I will look for tomorrow and things I have in my heart to do. I want to continue to be here on the internet for as long as I can sharing things and grateful to all of those who share with me. I want to finish the book I am working on and the next two novels after that I already have in mind. I want to be able to help my grandson with the book he has started and the story he is working and developing. I want to be able to laugh and share good time with family and fiends. I want to work with children and schools and share the idea to never give up. I want them to realize that what they learn is not only the grade that they get but a gift that can help them in all of their lives. I want them to see that they too can make their dreams come true if they are willing to learn all that they can, work as hard as they can, believe in themselves and never give up. I can try to do these things and have hope for the future.

          I know I will never be well or young again but I can and will try to be the best that I can be and do all that I can for as long as I can. I came so close to giving up. I almost thought it was time to finish the books about my life I had started with the one I called I Will Not Give Up....Not Today....Life Is A Journey and write I Did Not Give Up...But Don't Know About Tomorrow...This Journey Is Almost Over. I wrote that book not to tell about my life but to share the idea we can not give up. I tried to be honest in sharing thoughts of good times and some that were almost more than I could endure. I can honestly say now that I am not writing that second book and not giving up.

          There is so much more in life I do not want to miss. There is so much more that I want to do. There is so much I am grateful for and feel blessed. I will be back soon but am wishing you each happiness, health and bright days ahead.

I Confess but I Will Explain

I am going to confess and tell what all has been really going on. I can only do this a little at a time and sometimes a line at a time. I am limited at how long I can sit here at the computer and typing is difficult.

Many of you know about my husband's accident. Many know some of my health issues, especially those who have read my nonfiction book, I Will Not Give UP...Not Today...Life Is A Journey. viewBook.at/B00730UT6 Raw emotion finding words for things so real and emotional that the tears ran down my face as I wrote and remembered is a part of that book. I did cry as I wrote this at times. There were other times it made me smile with the memories.

I know I am rambling and maybe getting off track but if I confess honestly, my mind is wandering these days in many directions and at times in directions filled with dark hopeless feelings of despair.

My writing in this document may not be the best in punctuation, sentence structure or editing. I will not even try to edit this. It is not a literary creation but a confession and explanation from a mind that is distraught and confused. Until the blood pressure goes back down it is also at times limited in many ways.

Since I mentioned the book about my life I will tell somethings that are in there and some others from before and after that period. I did not write it to tell about my life but with the hope that others might find a way as I did to believe and hope and never give up even when things are so hard or painful in life.

I was born with a spinal deformity, missing one and a half vertebrae in the lumbar region. That causes a rocking motion that can put pressure on the spinal cord causing severe pain and even loss of use in the legs. I was in back braces and had pain medication. My family had good insurance and I was young and thought I could do whatever I put my mind to.

I studied many things medical and had an interest in that field. I decided to work to make the muscles as strong as possible in the back. I have always had problems with that area but managed to be able to do most things everyone else does. Most people never realized I even had a problem. When it did hurt, I would sit in the floor cross legged and slowly bend forward stretching the lower spine and feel relief.

As the years progressed they told me that I had a degenerative bone and connective tissue disease. They said there is no cure and offered counseling. That hit me hard as my Grandmother had that problem. She also had several surgeries for brain tumors. As the spinal column deteriorated she became a prisoner in her own body living in pain. She could think and feel but not even get up. On day she turned her head and died.

Depression can kill you in one way or another. It can either take away your life or take the life you have, as you do not really live while you are still alive. That may sound confusing but so is that state of mind. I think we have to be able to live life and look to a future with hope and determination. I think we have to be able to believe in a future to live our future and be alive each day we have.

I have been working with my art and words saying many things. I really believe the things that I say about hope for tomorrow.

When I tell you how close I was to loosing hope.... loosing all hope …...that is a confession that is one I never thought I would say.

I told about the back and the past because it so greatly affects the present too. I have a rare endocrine disorder we have to be extremely careful with many things such as anesthesia, bug spray, antihistamines and many other things. Novocaine to fill a tooth can kill me. Zylocaine is fine. It is rare enough, even some in the medical fields had never run across it and ignore what you tell them. We found it by accident when I had an anesthesia and reacted to it. The reaction was to die on the table and end up on life support with no breathing response. They even had me speak to a small group of doctors telling what it was like. They were amazed that I could quote conversations that took place in the operating room when I was being resuscitated. If your heart will not beat on it's own and someone has to breathe for you.... are you dead? If you are not, you are not far from it. It is hard to find words to tell of such feelings but I used that experience to try and bring realism to one of my short stories in the book A Tale To Tell. The story is Watch What You Wish For viewBook.at/B007ESJ49Y Some of these stories tell more than a story to share when the hour is a little spooky some may be haunted in memory

If you follow me on twitter @LindaJNance you may recognize that as one of the tweets I post about the book. Now you know why I said it that way. It is fiction, but in many parts inspired by memories.

By now you may think I am just advertizing my books but this is so much more complex than selling books. The books are something more than something I published to sell. They are a part of me and something I worked to create. I wanted them to be special in many ways, each and every one in it's own way. The topic of my books is something that I take very seriously and it means a lot to me. I do want to feel they are of some worth to others. When I had the free pro mos I had thousands downloaded but in a busy world have no idea if they have been read or will be read one day. I do want to feel as if they have more than dollar worth.

When I was in a head-on collision My body was broken. I know how lucky I am to have lived. I did write about that. If you do not believe in miracles, you would have if you had lived that time with me. The car motor crushed in and pinned my foot to the floorboard of the car crushing the foot and breaking it in 6 places. That may sound bad but it is all that kept me from going through the windshield out onto the road. As the car spun it flung me like a rag doll smashing my face and head into the windshield, my chest and arms into the dash, breaking and cutting me beyond recognition. The windshield broke into tiny squares of glass and my face raked across it. The bleeding was massive.

I tell all of this because things from our past can haunt our present in many ways. The bones in the foot had to be pinned. One joint and half of the other had to be removed. With the delicate condition of the bones the pin in one of the breaks did not hold. The bone was too fragile and re-broke. Every step I take is on that foot. They sewed my hands back and they healed beautifully but do hurt. Arthritis is setting up everywhere.

These things have come to mind even more as these last days have been so painful in so many ways. I use an anti-inflammatory to keep the swelling down and help keep me going. This may sound impossible with all of the steroids and modern medicine we have, to use aspirin such as BC powders but I do. It also works as a blood thinner.

I had been on steroids for the back and these other things and to help breathing and in massive doses when I was in critical condition with respiratory distress. I gained over a hundred pounds. They said weight gain was normal but it is not normal to have to live in a body you do not feel is even human and even less normal to have to endure the problems excessive weight gain causes. I also have an irregular heart beat that can kick out blood clots. I was told I would have to take blood thinners or risk a heart attack or stroke. My mother, father and grandfather were the same way. My mother had so many problems with the blood thinners and father quit taking his. Aspirin is a blood thinner and I had to use a lot of aspirin with the problems I was living with. For over 20 years I have been making it with my old fashion aspirin. I will mention that when I ran out of the Bcs for extended periods of time I had problems arise with blood clots. It may be coincidence that I managed so long without problems except when I was off the medication with the aspirin.

We should never underestimate simple things that can offer good results but also never forget that they are real. When I was in the ambulance I could no longer see but heard the paramedic asking if I was on drugs....any drugs. I told him no. I do not and never did use drugs. He kept asking if I was taking any drugs and I remembered the thyroid I have to take.

I drifted away and could not hear him. All was quiet and time stopped. I then heard him talking to someone saying he thought this would be a bleed out and he did not know if we would make it to the hospital. The word bleed-out kept echoing in my mind and then it hit me....drugs???? BCs, aspirin...bleed-out, and was able to say BCs.

As the weeks and months and years passed I managed to not only survive but see so many ways my life was blessed. If I ever doubted it, all I had to do is look at the grandchildren and children as they are like a ray of sunshine and hope. Another thing I love is writing. I wanted to be able to write and bring the characters and scenes to life. I wanted to be able to used words on a page to help share feelings, thoughts, and make the stories come to life.

I tell all about those things and more in the book and even going back to school to help me improve what I was so determined to accomplish. I may have problems doing many things but I could try and not give up with my writing.

When it came time I wanted to hold a book in my hand, the process of getting published was one I needed to learn and start working to accomplish. I went to the library and studied all I could and got online too. I started submitting query and synopsis of Journey Home when I got sick. I got so very sick. I coughed so hard I broke a rib. The x-rays showed pneumonia and more. It showed a mass under the aorta. That is not a good spot. Under the aorta and over the heart there is no room for growth and it was growing.

The prognosis was death. I was advised to make whatever arrangements I need to take care of. I told of all that in the book too. It was a time that left you feeling numb. I felt many things but too many to name here. The growth has almost stopped but it is still there.

I did not want to wait and started to consider self publishing. I did not want the things I had written to die with me. I wanted to reach out and have something I thought of as special to live on and others to find pleasure and hope in. I had no idea how much time I had but looked at each day as a gift.

Before I could do much more I found out the growing had spread. I had tumors in the lung, in the arteries that supply the lung and right next to the lymph nodes. I had cancer. My options were limited. They said I might not survive the chemo or radiation and time was very limited. Every beat of my heart brought me closer to inoperable. The surgery had to be postponed at that point because I did not have enough lung function to survive the surgery. I would be left a vegetable on a respirator.

I had to see my story become a book. I had to hold it in my hands. I chose Createspace. I know there are dozens of companies and many wonderful options but I did not have time to try to work things out. They worked with me. When they say they will help you, I not only knew so little about computers and the internet it would amaze you but did not even understand many of the terms and had no time to learn them. They talked me through it. Their patience was amazing. When talking to me, by then there were times that I would become unable to talk or understand as the oxygen lever was getting lower.

I got online and set up a facebook page. You may hear many stories about the bad things encountered on the internet and I am sure they are true and even more but I have to tell you about what I found. I found friends. I found people of such heart and caring attitudes who offered their support, best wishes and even prayers that it touched me to the heart and I will never forget. Family and friends, near and far, in person and online gave more to me than words can tell.

Before I went in for the surgery I held that book in my hand and cried. I cried tears of joy and hope.

These are all ramblings of the past but there are times that the past can come back to haunt in more than one way. The next book I published was Journey Home. It was actually the first Novel I wrote and I love that book. Who, what and why were questions with no answers but the future and the past were soon to meet with deadly consequences http://viewBook.at/B0054GLX92

I wanted each of my books to be special from cover to cover and all that was inside. The first one I used a photo I had taken many years before that wraps completely around to the back with a sunset. Seeing the car lights of travelers reminded me of the story as the family had to relocate starting a new life and seemed perfect.

With Journey Home I decided to use one of my paintings. I even post some of them as I worked on them on the new fan page I had set up. After all that work the one I decided on was one with special sentimental attachment. I had done the painting for my father-in-law before he passed. I wanted to share the things from my heart that were so much a part of me. I wanted to share my writing and my art.

I lived each day not knowing how many more I would have. I was obsessed to accomplish as much as I could and leave something behind that my family, friends, children and others who might have a chance to read my words could enjoy and become a part of. I did not want to die feeling alone and isolate. I was very isolate in physical person as I could not easily go anywhere. There was the illness, pain, sickness, cancer, surgery and then even after all of that there was the recovery from it was so painful and debilitating. Just being alive was work. At first I felt as if the tube for the oxygen was my life line. I had to have it to live. As the days and weeks passed it became more of a leash that offered another reason I could not go or do what ever it was..... I could not just jump in the pool or lake and swim out in the refreshing water. I could not dive down feeling the cool water caress over my face. I could not go many places or do many things. We had to buy the bottles of oxygen for me to leave the house at all even to go out back.

With no insurance that can be a problem. There are the meds for blood pressure and heart, thyroid, BC's and then the oxygen for the machine at the house and bottles to go out. We were making it though and little by little I did go out at times. I started the writers group here in town to help others make their dreams come true too. I am no expert on anything but together we have done amazing things. Each person helping one another is fantastic. Each member of the group is so special.

I extended it to a facebook group page and am so delighted hearing from writers all round the world sharing information and their projects. I continued to work on the fan page, writers group page and set up the blog....this blog. I did not know what I was doing and still don't but wanted it to be something real.

I called it More Than Just A Story In A Book because each of my books is that. One day I hope to have the time to really talk about the stories and all that is in each one. I think the blog is that too. This blog is more than the stories and the books. I write a lot about what I write, because it is so important to me. I have tried to put so much in these stories and tried to bring them to life with emotion and content using words on a page. I also have shared me. I have shared more me since I got online than I would ever have dreamed of. It is not that I am so sure my life is so interesting but I am still alive. I am still trying to live each day and look for something beautiful and find hope.

It sure is taking me a long time to get to my confession but it is hard for me to admit that I came so close to giving up. I felt so hopeless. All I have to do it to quit trying. I have enough health problems if I don't take the medicine, use the oxygen, and try....... How can a person work so hard and try if they feel totally worthless and helpless? How can they keep trying if all seems lost?

You may wonder how I can go from looking for something beautiful and never giving up to having a thought cross my mind to write another book titled Time To Give Up....Today is the Day....Life Is Over.

I told before about my husband's devastating accident. There has been more going on. They released him too soon. I have never heard of anyone going straight from ICU to home in a little over 48 hours from the time they fell fracturing their skull with a brain bleed even if it had stopped for several hours. He was still on Ivs. His doctor released him because he said he was feeling better and wanted to go home. He would tell them anything to go home. He felt panicked he would never get well unless he did, because they kept waking him up. They did that to make sure he could still wake up. He thought the pain meds were the reason he could not stay awake and could not understand that at that time his brain was bleeding in three places from the fracture at the back it was putting pressure even on the front of the brain.

He made it until that evening ranting about the pain and unable to even keep water down. The ER readmitted him and the same doctor released him a day and a half later. We were on our own. I could not just watch him die but he got confused and the pain had him pacing and constantly demanding to find a way to make it stop in his head and back. I rubbed everything. Soon his legs and even his feet hurt. His back had the impression from the concrete imbedded in it from the impact of his fall.

He had lost his sense of taste so refused to eat saying it was my fault. Everything I cooked had no taste. If I would just put some seasoning in it..... I tried everything and cooked all different things. Eventually I did get him to eat but it had been long enough it was one bite at a time. He had gone from 155 pounds to 119.

My daughter did all that she could but she works to support her son and take care of her family too. She came every day but the bottom line was that I was here and if I could not find a way to help him I thought he would die.

In addition to him being constantly angry with me he demanded I get Danny done. He was so enthusiastic about it I had found hope and joy that he cared about something so important to me too. He has been so supportive of me and even took me to each of the writers group functions.

We had and have no income during this time. I tried to keep a positive out look but was hurting more than words could describe myself and so very tired. I kept working and trying and taking care of him even if he got angry.

With no insurance and no income even with family trying to help I watched as the shelves got bare and the freezer was more empty. I forgot to check our gas tank. We had snow predicted when someone coming in to visit happened to check and see it was on '0'. I can not leave the oxygen machine and we were running out of gas to heat.

I began to feel as if I was in a nightmare and needed to wake up and see it was really only a dream. We were running out of food and no way to heat. We had no money or income and the family had no way of helping.

I found an agency that helped us to get gas but we had to get there to fill out the papers. We did. A local church called Happy Trails Cowboy Church was so very generous helping with food and our church Pilgrim Lutheran has been there emotionally and also helping so we would not loose our vehicle insurance so Albert would have a way when able to go back to work.

Friends and family are helping all they could. Another friend in the writers group not only bought food but cooked enough I had meals for days.

Even with all of that day by day things are so difficult. I did not have the money for my prescriptions. I began to ration them using half the prescribed doses.

I do understand that with a severe head injury it can affect a person's thinking and even their personality. My daughter mentioned Albert did not seem like the same person. He was not the same person as the one that was so supportive and loved to do things with the grandchildren. It was becoming something fearful. He seemed as if he could become violent and above all else he hated me. Nothing I did was right. Whatever was wrong was my fault. You could not talk to him. His anger was all there was left. He did still want me to get Danny done and published. He demanded it and I was happy he still cared about it.

The day before I was going to upload the file to make it a book he announced it was all over. He had decided that all my writing was totally worthless and an waste of time. It was over and done. I was so shocked and hurt that at first I could not talk at all.

I explained how much it meant to me. There was so much I could not do in life but what I wrote was part of my heart and soul. It was my way to reach out and not just be sick, crippled, alone to die. If I had to give up on all of that and the things that I love I was giving up on being alive.

He calmly and coldly looked at me and said, “Get real. How much do you make in dollars and cents? Your books are worthless and your writing is a waste of time. It is over and there is no reason to keep the internet either.”

I already knew we would not be able to stay on the internet much longer until he was well enough to go back to work or a miracle made the books best sellers overnight...even that would be too late for now. I thought when I could not afford the internet and we had to cancel it, I would continue to write and when things got better I would be back. Until then, if I visited somewhere I could get on and say hello.

I have heard from people all around the world about my books and some of the other things that I write. There is a school in England that read the children's book in their school and contacted me saying wonderful things. There have been others that have thanked me for the story I Will Not Give Up saying it helped them. There have been many that used the coloring books pages I posted on the fan page with their children or classes in school. They are not for sale. They are free for the children but does that make them worthless? I had free promotions for each of the other books and gave literally thousands away free. I do not know how many have had time to read them yet other than those I have heard from. It is a busy world but I have had some wonderful responses.

There is no charge to read this blog, but is it worthless? Even though my mind understands head injuries, my heart had taken almost all the hurt it could stand. My body hurts so much. Now the fluids around the heart and lungs is almost more than I can function with. My legs and feet as so swollen the skin stretch so thin it blistered and broke in several places. Everything on me hurts.

Something inside of me was dieing right then. The tears ran down my face but I had no words. I felt empty and lost. I felt alone. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and there was no hope. I did not call my family or friends because there was nothing they could do. How could anyone give me back heart and hope when your own husband hates you and screams how worthless you are?

You did though. You all here did. You have no idea what you did and are doing right now. You are posting tweets for Danny and posting sites and the book on pages and so many places. You are posting and tweeting hope and dreams to keep us alive and living instead of feeling alone, helpless and filled with despair. You are not selling a book but saving a friend in a dark and desperate time of life.

I believe in the book. Albert did too before he broke his head. We both think that although it is fiction, it is one not to be forgotten and special. I wanted to try to write it realistically enough you knew the people, could feel the pain, fear, and see them. I wanted it to be one of a kind.

So many people.... I have not and can not sit here for very long. This is taking days to write. But day after day you did not forget me. You take all this time to help in so many ways. You show and tell care, prayers, and well wishes. Each and every comment, tweet and post touches me so much. There are no words to say how much all you have and are doing means to me. I am not going to give up. I am not going to give up writing or trying or living. There is a lifeline that has helped me through a dark and dangerous time in life and it is you....all of you.

I have so many more Novels in my mind. I have more words I want to share and paintings I want to paint. I can see that now, because of what you all did and are doing. I want to keep using words to create and share.

I can hardly wait to hear from those who read Danny. I can only hope I have accomplished what I tried to do with the story and the book.

With more help from family I am able to get the medications refilled and today will be back on full doses. It will take some time to get back up and around. I am using the nebulizer machine breathing treatments. I am stopping in as often as I can and see all you are doing and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I confess I almost gave up. You did not let me.

The swelling in Albert's brain has decreased and it is like a miracle. Part of his hearing is returning and he can taste food a little better. Better than that, he seems unaware of how intensely aggressive and angry he had been. He asks me how Danny is doing and seems pleased about the books and writing again.

We will still be off line soon but I will not be gone. I will be alright and who knows what all I might be able to write and share when I get back.

I could not do a real book launch for Danny as much as I love the book and story. I could not talk about it, do interviews or share some insights to the different things within the story but will one day.

With so much help, support, and effort from so many I think of this as the launch that never ends. Every time I think of the book I will remember all that is being done to help me. Every time I think of the book I will remember to never give up. What a launch this is to give back to me more than promotion of a book but promotion of living life and not giving up. What better thing to share than love and care and a helping hand offered asking nothing in return but from the heart. This is the launch that will never end as I will always remember all that you all have done.

I may have rambled on telling all of those things from the past but the past seemed to come so intensely to the present to haunt and overwhelm me. I could see no way to find the light of the day instead of darkness and despair. It was more than one thing that finally made me feel like giving up. I came so close. I was ready to leave this life. All I have to do is quit trying.

Now I know I can not give up. The good Lord has more for me to do. I may not know what I am supposed to do, but will keep trying to do my best each day.

Thank you seems so inadequate.....but I do. I thank you.

You all did that for me. You gave me hope. You gave me heart. You touched a soul.

This took me days to write. Please read and RT and share 'I Confess...But I Will Explain'.   I I wish all who are doing so much and helping could really know how much it means to me.           Thank you. Thank you all