Happy Birthday My Hair Fell Out

Yesterday was wonderful as my daughter and grandson came a day early to surprise me for my birthday with a fantastic cake they made together. We enjoyed the day and it left me with a smile. I mentioned that my hair was really thinning from the chemo treatments.

Last night my scalp seemed to itch and burn a bit all night long. I tossed and turned and when morning came felt something very odd. I seemed to have my hair standing on top of my head in a lump. I started to brush it out and it came out and kept coming out. Most of it had fallen out and was tangled with the few strands left.

It is an odd feeling even though they told me this would happen. Since I was a teenager my hair has been long. It has been very long.

 I got it cut when I started with the cancer treatments knowing it would eventually fall out.

 That was a bit of a shock but as the days went by I saw my hairbrush filled with hair and in the last few days I could run my fingers through my hair and have a hand full of hair. At one point I cried. That seems silly, knowing this would come but it was an odd feeling to live it instead of say it. I thought about it and think of it this way. If the treatments are doing this to my hair they must be doing something to the cancer. It is not a sign of things ending but things beginning to offer me a chance at life.

In the last few days I have looked out the window and see the leaves that were once vibrant green turn to golden colors and now rain down brown and forgotten for this year leaving the trees bare and almost dead looking silhouetted against the sky. I sort of felt like that. I had once been filled with life and now struggle to stay alive. There have been times I felt more dead than alive. The days have been dreary and filled with rain as in my heart I have felt tears like the rain drops outside. The rain brings water to sprout new life in the Spring. The tears today quickly form to make a determination for life to come. It will be Spring this time next year before I am though with the treatments and it will be time for flowers and new life.

I feel bad I have been unable to get the book of Art, Words, and Inspirations done before Christmas. I thought it would be such a beautiful gift to not only give a book but the hope for the future to see beauty and life. Now I accept I am limited on the time and things I can do. This is taking me so long to do but I want to share the feeling, ideas and hope.

I feel more peaceful now than frustrated with the book knowing what I want to create is something to share any day any time and its time will come. Right now I think of all the love and care others have shared with me. I see the internet and even as I sit here inside, the world has kept me company. You all have reached out and touched my heart. One friend fixed a meal you would not believe with enough I had a variety for days after my other chemo treatment. Family and friends have been so loving and caring. How can I stay sad for long?

Tomorrow I go for another round of chemo and I know know how very sick I become. At one point I really feared I would not see another day and felt so desperately ill I did not mind except I do not want to leave those I love and do feel I have so much more to do in life.

Every day is special and this birthday is one I will remember.....a new day....new hope....and time to fight to live for all of the tomorrows.

Count My Blessings

Part 2

From Then To Now and Never Give Up

I have cried. I have felt fear. I am not so much afraid to die but can not abide the thought of leaving those I love and all of the friends in person and online who have been so loving and supportive in so many ways. I still have an occasional cry but am determined to begin the journey of living and staying alive.

I believe in prayer and am thankful for all of those who pray for me now and before. I know the good Lord will be with me and see me through however things work out but am hoping and praying it will be for me to continue in this life.

The things that I am facing now and will face even more in the near future are so uncertain with the final outcome but I have been thinking back to other challenging times. Many of the thoughts and feelings of the past are now again my present.

I have wanted to write this for some time now. When I think of the title it is impossible to tell of how many blessings I have had in my life. There are some times and people that do come to mind and I can not forget.

Right now my thoughts have drifted back....way back. We would never have dreamed I would be here today typing and finding so many more things in life to be grateful for.

I ran across some things I wrote long ago. This is from

January 31, 2010 at 12:30pm

I went in on December 28 for a CT scan and waited for the results. Every time I called they did not have the results. Last Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment and was curious to hear what they found. I was shocked. I was happily shocked. I had not explained that last summer I found out that the tumor under the aorta was growing. I have lasted so much longer than the six months that we originally thought that I had to live, but have felt for a long time that every day may be my last.

Unless you have ever suffered a devastating illness it is hard to explain or for others to understand what it is like when you say that you are tired. I get so very tired there are no words to describe what it feels like to a healthy person. You can work or play all day and be so tired that you can not stay awake, but it is not a frightening thing or a bad feeling such as the tiredness that I feel. There is no way for a person to understand what it is like to hurt and live in pain every day of your life and know there is no escape but death. Even in the late night hours it can wake you from a sound sleep, if you get into a sound sleep.

I had wanted to write books to entertain and hopefully sell and help support myself and family. I had wanted to write poetry and stories and other things. I wanted to write things that could make other people feel and think. I have tried to do all of these things. I have completed 3 novels and hundreds of pages of other works. I have written poetry and have another novel well on it’s way. I have not been able to find an agent or publisher and fear that time may be short. I do not and have not given up, but am very tired and have been very close to deciding that I am too tired. I am too tired to keep fighting to go on. I am tired of the constant pain.

When I feel like that, I get a visit or call from friends or family but especially from my angel boy. He really is my little angel. He makes me smile and laugh and look for tomorrow. He helps me to live life instead of being alive. He may never realize how very special he is, but the patience and love he shows is beyond his age of 4. He is a blessing. My daughter brings that little grandson to visit and helps in every way that she can. She never forgets us and you can see the love in her eyes.

When it took so long to get the last test results back I feared that it was not good news. I have made sure this time that I did not run out of the herbal tea. I have even increased the amount that I drink. I am trying my best, but how much can a little tea do with tumors under the aorta? Essiac tea has helped more than others would believe.

The Jonesboro Church Health Center has been a life line for me. We do not have insurance or the kind of money it would take for the usual medical care. This place has served and helped so many people for so many years that would otherwise have had to go without any medical help. We are not all eligible for the programs or able to afford insurance. The clinic charges fees that are reasonable and offers not only some medical care, but excellent care.

There are all kinds of ways a person can do a job. They can do a job well. They can do it proficiently and efficiently. The people that work at this place do all of that, but they do so much more. They do their work showing compassion, and care in a respectful and intensely sincere manner that allows a patient to feel like a person. It allows a patient to feel as if there are those that care about them and not just the case that they are. I know that these people and this place does all that it can to help me and that I would not have lived as long as I have if it were not for them and the way that they care about other people. When you talk about doing something special in life, these people do it every day.

There are other people that work with them to help. How can you thank a doctor or specialist that takes the time to volunteer or treat at reduced, (very reduced rates compared to the normal fees) people who have no way to pay what they would have to pay or thank them as they deserve. The doctors help so much more than they can realize. If you have a problem and no way to get help you have to either live or die with it. That may be a simplistic way to describe a difficult situation, but it is the truth. There have been doctors, and they know who they are, that have helped so much and did it with heart and compassion. They work and have volunteered to help because of the special people that they are. I believe that God knows and sees people such as these. Bless you each and every one.

The reason it took so long to get the results is not because I was being neglected or overlooked but because the results seemed medically impossible and they wanted to be sure that they had read the right results in my report. They double checked and verified that the tumors had not grown at all. There were no new growths. I am not well or cured, but for over 8 months things have held as they were instead of getting worse. That may not sound like much, but to me it is a miracle. If it had grown as it had before, I would either be dead or not far from it.

Instead, I am looking forward to warmer weather and our next visit with the grandson and the times we can go down the road and listen to the music with friends and neighbors. There is no way I could say too much about these people and what they have done for me. I do not think that they realize what an impact their friendship has meant to both of us. Things are not easy for Albert. There are times I see the worry in his eyes or the watchful way he spots when I am too tired or the pain is unusually intense and it is time to go home. Most of the time, he fixes our breakfast. I try my best to fix the other meals but sometimes he does that too.

I had an idea for a book that I wanted to write that would incorporate these blogs or what ever you call this journal like thing I am writing and often posting on the internet. I thought about writing a book called ‘I Die a Little Each Day, But Am Not Dead Yet…Not Today.’ I was afraid that it might be a little to real or depressing for those that are close to me if they read some of the things that I am actually going through. What I hoped for in writing such a thing, would be that others who are going through difficult times would realize that we can not give up. I will continue to think on that project. I have so many things in mind that I want to do and write.

There are so many people suffering devastating illnesses and injuries and so many that suffer with pain, disabilities and debilitating disorders or deadly illnesses. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy for depression to either slowly drift in or descend like a blanket that smothers a person. It is easy to feel helpless and hopeless. If I allow all of that to be my lot in life, then I am already dead even if I am still alive. I believe that there are so many people that never really live their lives. I want to live and be alive. I want to see the smiles of the grandchildren, hear the laughter and enjoy the good times. I want to be there to comfort, support, show love and care. I want to hold them and cry with them when times break your heart. I want to be, and do, and live. How to do all of that is a real question.

I get so tired and hurt. I am trying to write. If there was a way for others to know and read my words then I would not be alone. They would not be alone either as we share thoughts, feelings and dreams and fears. I had hoped that I could find a way to use words to reach out and touch others. I wanted to be able to use words to paint pictures and make people feel and think. I hope that I have done that in the novels and other things that I have written.

The woman who lives in the area and had the little boy that suffered the serious burns thanked me a while back. She said that what I wrote touched them all and that it reached others and made such a difference to so many people that read it that the donations they received after it was published in the newspaper were enough to meet all of the child’s medical needs. What she told me meant so much to me. I could not bake cakes or do a lot of the work to make the fundraiser a success, but if my words could help an injured child, then I had indeed accomplished what I am trying to do with that. Maybe it helped someone else who read it.

I have had a few letters to the editor published in the local paper, but I do not think that these things that I write from my heart will be read or heard. I see no way for people to even know that it is here for them to share. If we ever get the money to go on line I would love to have my own web site and be able to share and try many things. I used to sculpt and paint. I liked to do bead work and candles and many other arts and crafts. I may not be able to do a lot of things, but who knows, if I had a place to show and share, there might be others out there who would want to help and buy the things I make. They might be able to feel a little less lonely as they read some of the things I wrote or know that we are never really alone. I do believe in God and that he is here with us. There are miracles that happen every day and often we overlook what is right before us.

We may have problems and pray to God saying that there is no way we can work these things out and beg for his help. Later when the problems are better we smile and say that we knew all along we would find a way and we did. There are other times that things happen and we blame God or angrily wonder how he could have allowed such an injustice or cruelty. I do not have those answers and have even thought them myself before. What I believe is, that if we knew all of the answers we would be God, because only he knows all. It is by faith and trust in him, that we may find peace and know that all is not lost. There is more to come.

I am growing very tired and will take a break and try to write more later today. I have so much more I want to share, but it will have to wait.

As I look back at the words I wrote so long ago I have many emotions and thoughts. They would never have found the mass under the aorta if it had not been for the pneumonia that had set in. I had coughed so hard that I broke a rib and by accident they found the mass.

Later in life I had a terrible pain where I had never hurt before. It became so intense I could no longer stand it and went to the hospital. When they x-rayed my back where the pain was, they saw so much more. They saw the tumors in the left lung that could so quickly end my life. I could say it was also by accident they found them just in time....we hoped it was not too late....

When I got home from the hospital the spot that had hurt so badly no longer hurt at all and has never hurt there since.

What I had written in 2010 about doctors that volunteered at that clinic I have to tell a bit more about one named Dr. Sifford. He is amazing as a doctor and a blessing as a human being who cares for so many and helps in every way that he can. If I count my blessings, he and that clinic are blessings to me and so many others.

Dr. Sifford worked with me for years there at the clinic as I have always had upper respiratory problems. Seeing him in different times of need and he was always still there helping those who suffered, offered me a chance to know him. He did not give up on those who reached out to him. He cares. I have never known him personally or even had a cup of coffee with him but I do think of him as my friend and my doctor. A friend is someone who cares. Once in a while in life you meet someone special and he is very special. My whole family feels the same way about him and all of the help he has rendered. He is that to so many people who reach out to him for help.

I ran across another thing that I wrote August 25, 2010 at 2:51pm

I want to make my dreams come true and not give up.

I said that I was going to write no matter what and be honest in what I wrote, so here I am. Honestly….I have been tired. I have been very tired, but I am not giving up. I hurt, but I am not giving in. It is not a stubborn attitude or ignorant denial that I am not receiving the usual medical course of treatments. I have more than one thing wrong and there is no recommended treatment. My previous notes explain all of that in detail. They explain more of the whole picture.
What they do not tell is how I have been up all night because I hurt. By morning I could not take it anymore and spent until now in the ER, tests, ct scans and all of that. When trying to find the cause for the pain they found more. They found that the tumor must have metastasized from what it had been and there is another one large enough they do not want to wait at all for the biopsy. They know that if they can not find a way to stop it soon I will have no more tomorrows. WOW.. this is hard. It is so hard for my husband and daughter. He and my daughter are the only ones that know until now.
I have been sitting here thinking many things. I cried. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel afraid that I will not be able to do as I have always said….Make my dreams come true. Not give up.
A couple of days ago I was so excited. I am going to have one of my books published. This is what it is….
LIFE GOES ON
The Family of five found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from their apartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation they accepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live and new start in life. They had no choices except seeing their family homeless in a rough part of the city.
Against protest from the two eldest children they moved. The differences in all that they had known were immense. It was not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experienced moments that would test their sense of humor and times that would test their strength of character.
Life became complicated. There were some difficult issues they would have to face and how they responded could have life altering consequences. Situations escalated for different family members in different ways that could destroy them and those around them or test them and force them to make choices and face the consequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each person learned in their own way.
This is a story of people and a place they would work to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumph and times of despair. It is a story that talks to many of us in different ways as the characters struggle with life.
They had weathered the difficult transition of the relocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for them all. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.



I understand that publishing a book is only one step. How can people know about it, want it, or decide to get it? I am going to do my best. This is my dream. I want to publish it then one other novel before the children’s book and coloring book that goes with it. Then I have another novel completed and one I am working on. I am not going to give up or give in. I will try to keep my dreams not only alive, but make them come true.
As I am doing all of this, I do intend to keep a journal type of record in my notes here and also on blogspot and any other I might be able to start. I do at times get tired. I am still excited about the book, but the way things are health wise is difficult. I have been in bad shape before and am not dead yet….NOT TODAY. Lately I have begun to wonder if this is the day. Late at night when it is so hard, I have at times felt so alone. Then I realize I am not alone. I believe not only in prayer, but that God will be there with me and help to give me strength. One day at a time….Life Goes On….just like my book.
I am going to wait and write more tomorrow. It has been a day.

 

September 7, 2010  

A time of choices and decisions

 

Life is filled with choices. Some are big and life changing choices. Some are so subtle and casual that we hardly realize we are making them. This has been a time of many choices and decisions for me. I have been, and am so excited to see the novel I wrote finally being put into book form. There are decisions and choices...many choices...what font, what size, what templates, what about the cover, the book size, design and many more. What will we have for supper? Should I have the biopsy Surgery or no surgery? Can I wake up from the anesthesia? Can I live through a procedure that big? Can I survive and function afterward with part of the lung gone? How will I manage when I first come home? How can we afford this? Will the function test show that I can tolerate any of it? We will know very soon. The growth rate of the tumor is not allowing me to wait to decide. I wanted to get my book out. If the function test is good enough they will still do a total body scan to see if it is only the 4 we know of, or there is no use in going through all of this at all. Every time the do an x ray they find a tumor. They checked on the broken rib and there is the one under the aorta. They check a vertebrae and now this one that is really growing.... and so on.


I have been trying so hard. There are no words to tell how difficult it can be and how desperately tired I get. There is no way to say how difficult it is, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Now is the time that I have to make the right decisions. I want to be there for my children and grandchildren. I want to see them grow up and know me. I want to hold that little hand in mine and feel the magic in the touch filled with the love of a child. I do not want to go. I want to share laughter and love and good times with my family and be there for my angelboy. I don't want to go...Not today. I want to reach out to the world and make a difference.



It seems unimaginable to share such thoughts with so many people that I have never met. I have to say what a wonderful and inspirational outpouring of love, care, and sharing there has been from so many. I want to thank each and everyone one of you because you cared. I want you to know that it makes a difference. You have made a difference. I want to thank you for the kind words, cares, prayers and messages. Pray that God grants me the wisdom to choose wisely, the strength to endure and the courage to face the future and the blessing of life for another day.

September 11, 2010

I have been so tired. Mom is doing better and has been transferred from the ICU to a room. Tuesday they will do another function test and then make a decision if I am strong enough to have the surgery. I will try to keep writing. I know there are so many with problems and hardships and I hope that we all can keep hope, keep faith and never give up.

We have not got the biopsy results yet. I think that if it was good news they would have called me but want to wait and talk to the other specialists and then talk to me in person. We kind of knew that going on. We have no idea about the surgery. It has risks....big risks....I may decide to just try to keep on keeping on. I may decide to give it a try. You can not understand what it feels like to make such choices, but life is not always easy. Mom is doing a lot better for the shape that she is in. At her best she only has 30 percent of heart function now. It is hard. She knows what is going on and so does daddy.

September 27, 2010 ·

Well....mom is stable now and that was the good news....the other is that the tests are done...the biopsy showed that it is malignant and not in a good operable location. This is not good....but I am not going to give up

October 5, 2010 ·

Today I had good news and then some other news. I will probably be going through with the surgery soon....and today I got the proof for the book that I wrote and approved it. They already have it available at the one web site and will have at two others in about 3 weeks. It may be some time before it is available in local bookstores but I will work one step at a time.

I loved the feeling I had as I held my book in my hands. It was like holding a dream and feeling there was hope. The emotions I had during that time of life are beyond words. I did try to find words so that others having difficult times could know they are not alone and to never give up but there were times I was so close to feeling no hope for myself.

The worry for my mother was intense as she battled congestive heart failure and some other problems. It seems that problems never come one at a time. I guess I can think of those times a challenges.

It seemed as if every heart beat the tumors were growing and in such a bad location that it could easily become inoperable if we waited. The problem was that if I was not strong enough to survive the surgery........

At that point they refused to do the surgery. I pleaded but the answer was that the doctor would not do something he thought might either kill me or leave me a vegetable on life support.. He was right but I was desperate.

October 15, 2010 ·

I am feeling so much better. I still get tired and have been busy doing treatments 4 X a day but it is working. We will find out next Friday if it is enough.

October 25, 2010 at 8:55am

I hope to find out today what they decide can be done. Last night was a long one. My husband and I talked of many things...we had to make some decisions either way. Everyday I have to wait the cancer is growing at a rapid rate. The sooner I go in for surgery may also be the last day that I have. Those are some intense thoughts.

October 26, 2010 ·

I said that I would keep writing and I am trying. I have one thing I need to decide today. Should I go ahead and go crazy? I would not have far to go. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude but sometimes I think I am positively going to shatter into a million little pieces. Too many things going round and round in my head and too tired to find a way to stop them long enough to sort them out. Oh well, I will write on my notes, blogs, Fan Page and take them one at a time.

October 21, 2010

 

Last night was not a bad night but it was a long night. Thoughts would not quiet allowing the peaceful sleep that refreshes. Thoughts flew round and round and the hours slowed down to a crawl. It is not daylight yet but the new day is near.



Tomorrow I go for another pulmonary function test to see if they can perform the surgery without leaving me on a ventilator. Part of me is eager to begin the long recovery. The other part fears what could be. I want a chance to live life to the fullest doing and sharing so many things.



I want to step out and watch the sunrise of a new day breathing in the fresh sweet smell of the morning dew. I want to see the sky color as the new day begins. I want to feel the touch of my grandson's magic hands as we start new adventures and share special times.



My precious grandson hugged me last night and spoke as he gazed directly into my eyes. "Mamaw, I'm gonna hug you forever and ever and love you and never let you go." Now, there is the medicine that can make a weak heart strong and a tired old woman like me work to live and get hugs and love forever and ever.



His hands are magic. I told him that they were. I have problems with my hands and they often ache and hurt and often swell. That is odd because the sensory mechanism of touch seems like a delayed response. I am loosing the feeling in both hands. I can not feel when I type now or hot when I am cooking until later when it is too late and I am already burned. The tests show the loss of feeling but they do not know why or what to do. If you can not fix it I am not going to run up more bills. Even with all of that, my bones hurt. It is not a small pain but one that becomes a part of you as your hands and feet twist and swell.



A look of concern crossed his small face as he stood beside me. For one so young he is extremely sensitive. He has concern and compassion that knows no bounds. I explained that my hands hurt. He gently placed his little hand on mine as he slowly and gently rubbed watching me the whole time. "Did that help, Mamaw? Did it make it feel better?"

The look of concern and love on his small face touched this old heart as tears welled in my eyes and it did feel better and it made me smile. I told him that and he smiled brightly. "I really do have magic in my hands." Now, every so often he uses his magic hands to make me feel better.



My daughter smiled as she had some memory of long ago about who knows what, that I had told her as a child. "Mom, why do you tell him he has magic in his hands? He will believe you." We did not realize that he had returned and was listening.



"Because it is true. He has so much love in his heart and his hands that it is magic. When he reaches out to rub my hands and ease my pain ...it is with love and....Love is magic and it works wonders. Love makes the whole person feel better, the pain hurts a little less and the day so much brighter. That is magic. Yes, he has magic hands, he surely does," She had to agree.



I have had so many thoughts of so many things. I have thought about my writing, the things I have written and things I am writing and things I want to write. I think of the paintings I am doing and the sketches and pictures I want to add to the children's books. There are so many things that I want to do and then I am tired.



I want to write all of the things from my heart for each of my loved ones. I want to always be there for them even if it is in a letter. I want to share thoughts and memories from the past and dreams for the future. I need to know that I have a chance for a future. I have to admit that I am filled with stress and apprehension. I wish that I could have the surgery and be on my way to a recovery, then I think of what else might be. I need to put it in the Lord's hands and trust things will work out. I will try. I will be back to write more soon.



I am not afraid to die....Just not today.

As I looked back at posts I made through the years I wanted to share hope that no matter how difficult things may be we can not give up. There is hope and even in the darkest times we can find so many things to be grateful for.

What I found was too much to put in a blog. I had said it was developing into more of a book than a blog and that is so true. There was too much that is too intense to repeat. What I see and feel so much, is a gratitude for the doctors who work so hard and try so hard to help. I have been blessed with doctors that not only a very good at what they do but care about their patients.

My husband has not been so blessed in so many ways. I think we are lucky he lived through much of it. He just went through a surgery to repair some of the damage from when he fell and fractured his skull 2 years ago. When you see someone so mistreated or lack of treatments, it breaks your heart and is so frustrating. The doctor he was finally referred to that did the reconstruction is wonderful. Dr. Woodward did not hesitate to help him and make his life so much easier. A talented doctor who cares about those who come to him in need. It is a shame it took two years before anyone would refer him.

All of that makes me even more grateful for the care and doctors who have done so much for me.

When they told me of a mass under the aorta we did not know how long I would have to live but I am still here. It is not gone but every day really is a blessing.

When they found cancer and I lost much of my left lung we did not know if I would even wake up but I am here and still going. The lung specialist is still taking care of me and looking after me. Dr. Sifford does so much for so many. The man is an amazing doctor but more than that,.....he cares. I met him when we had no insurance and no way to pay for a doctor when we needed one.

He referred me to Pro Med of Jonesboro and Greg Brooks for oxygen. What I got was more than that. All there are caring and supportive people who never fail to help when they can. When you need medical supplies it makes such a difference when they show such dedication to their clients and really care.

I will wait for another day to share the present as I think how thankful I am to be blessed with so many praying and showing support. When I think of the doctors trying and working so hard to give me more tomorrows it warms my heart and gives me hope. When I think of the love and friendship of so many I smile and the tears are no longer filling my eyes are replaced with knowing I am not alone.

Every day is special. I am working my best to do the book I feel inspired to do combining my art and words, thought and feelings, and hope for not only myself but others. This is one of the things I will review for my own life but there are so many others.

 

Count My Blessings Part One The Pain Never Ends

 

Count My Blessings

Part One The Pain Never Ends

When I think of the title of this I realize I have too many blessings to really count. I have been blessed with family and friends that warm my heart. My little grandson has been the sunshine of my life and my daughter is always there for us. My husband knows more than any the endless days with me groaning in pain and trying my best to go on in life and be able to feel I am not worthless. Together we try each day to do the best that we can.

There are others. There are so many others who have helped. Even with all the help and encouragement the pain never ended. I have lived through a lot of pain in this life but my back and at times my foot never stopped. Even in the night, it never stopped. I began to lose hope and feel so desperate. I did not want to die but how could I live and have any real life? 

 

Even in the hospital the doctors said how sorry they were for me after the MRI and CT scans showed what was going on in my spine. They can not give strong pain medication or I might now be able to breathe and the lung I have left might begin to fill with fluid. They offered counseling.

Eventually I was referred to a pain management specialist named S_ _ _. I will not call him a doctor. I have never been closer to giving up in my life than after one visit with him. He had not read any of my records or considered any other problems I might have. He announced that my only problem was that I was lazy. I was selfish being so lazy to my family and all around me. He said he was going to go in and do a nerve branch block and I needed to get an exercise bicycle.

I told him I had been going to the Health and Wellness center 3 times a week and it was helping so much and I was able to loose 1 ½ to 2 pounds a week. He announced that was useless and a waste of time. I was just lazy.

I asked how he would prevent excessive bleeding and swelling if he did anything to the spine. He paused and looked confused saying he saw no reason it would be a problem. I reminded him on what blood thinners I was on. I knew he had not even read my medication list let alone any other health issues.

He told me to quit taking them for two weeks. I was outraged and repeated what the cardiologist said after the 4 stints were put in. He told me I would die if I did not take them and allow the stints to heal in place. He said to not even miss a single dose let alone two weeks.

The response was to hand me a prescription for pain meds and tell me to just skip a day or two and he would do what he thought was best. He ranted on saying I was worthless and lazy and other things. He said there was no excuse for lazy people like me.

I did what I thought best and never went back. I did not fill his prescription and just went home. When I got home his loud and abusive tirade echoed in my mind. Memories began to flood in of my mother and grandmother.

I remembered my grandmother laughing and smiling and all of us gathering together for every holiday. I remember her as health issues seemed to be stealing away the joy and ability to enjoy life for her, no matter how we tried. The answer for her was medication and more medication. Pain meds, antidepressants, muscle relaxers, tranquilizers and more. Medications to treat the side affects of other pills. At that time it was common and sometimes still is, to treat anything with pills and if that does not work just give more pills with more side affects. She had a whole case full of pills and still suffered with pain as her spine deteriorated more and more. The more it hurt the less she moved until she was a prisoner in her own body. The suffering as she lay with bed sores growing and not even able to turn over was heart breaking.

I remembered my mother, who we had just lost, suffering with spine pain and eventually almost bed-fast and in a wheelchair. She had lived most of her life on so many pills of all kinds. So many pills and each with their own side affects. There were times she drooled from her mouth and could not even talk but always more pills.

There are no words to explain what I felt that night after my visit with S_ _ _. I have never been closer to giving up. I wondered if there was any hope for me at all. I did not want to leave my family and felt I had so much more I wanted to do in life but what hope was there left?

The level of pain I endured made controlling my blood pressure impossible. Terrible pain can not only steal the joy from life but kill a little at a time or even quicker if the heart gives out or a massive stroke lay in the future.

I tried one last thing and agreed to see another pain doctor named Dr. Gera. By then, I had begun to feel there was no hope left for me. You can only live so long when the pain never ends before the body gives up. Our life was filled with challenges. With Albert unable to work we often had to go to food pantries for what little they could help with. Worry about if we could afford the blood pressure medications and others I was on made me dread the day I would end up with a stroke lying in a bed and nothing to fill the hours but more pain. Hope was dim or almost gone.

Dr. Gera did so much more than ease the pain. Dr. Gera restored my hope for life. He not only is an amazing doctor but a person of heart and care for others. He has done so much for me there are really no words to tell. He did the same thing for my husband as he suffered head aches that incapacitated he and left him no peace or hope. What can you say about someone who cares and dedicates their life working to ease the pain and suffering of others?

 

http://goo.gl/Wg5erh

My whole family is grateful for the help he has given me. My little grandson said he has been so worried about me. He said he could feel how sick I was and he loved me and wanted to help me but did not know how. Then he smiled and said he could tell I am doing so much better and seem happier. He smiled even bigger and told me someday I could go outside with him and Papaw (Albert) and we could all roast hot dogs together. They gathered up their things and headed out to cook our supper. When they came in they were smiling as little Zander announced that he cooked my hot dogs himself and did them just like I like them.

 

What Dr. Gera did for both of us helps our whole family. I don't know if he could ever really know what a difference he makes. We had to go and pick up my medical supplies. The woman there noticed I was doing so much better and I told her it was because of Dr. Gera. A big smile came on her face as she told me her sister and sister's husband also went to Dr. Gera. She told me how grateful the whole family was. Her sister had gone to Dr. S_ _ _ and after one visit was so devastated and depressed she had to seek counseling and they worried she might become suicidal. The woman was filled with outrage as she continued to tell of how destructive that one visit had been. Her sister had been told she was just lazy and apparently the same treatment I had received. 

 

I asked how her sister was doing now and she said thanks to Dr. Gera, she and her husband were doing great and so much happier than she had been in years. She told me how her whole family is grateful to Dr. Gera and I shared our story too.

If you know of someone in the North East Arkansas area I hope you share this with them if they are in pain and know the hopeless feeling not knowing where they can turn. I trust this man with my life as well as my care as he works so hard to help in this difficult time of life.

If I wanted to count my blessings I would have to say Dr. Gera is that. He is a blessing to not only my husband and me but so many others.

A Night To Remember

                                                                    

A Night To Remember 

 

           I look at the sun shining and feel the warmth on my face. This past weekend was the first time I could enjoy sitting out back on the deck. It was wonderful. I can not walk well and become weak and short of breath easily but comfortably sat watching my husband and grandson building a little bonfire with one of the neighbor children joining in for the fun. Hen the fire was just right they brought out the hot dogs and even cooked some for me. It was a wonderful time filled with smiles.

           I have seen the world through the window or pictures my husband takes for me of the wildlife that visits in our back yard. Most of the time I have left the house has been for doctors visits, therapy, and occasionally to the store. We used to visit our daughter and family (my precious grandson) often but any travel has been painful and tiring. I worked to gain strength but day by day felt worse. I had caught a cold. That does not sound so bad but for me it is a fear. There is little difference between a simple cold and my lung filling up. I lost all of the upper lobe of my left lung to cancer and have COPD. I hear of so many people my age who all have COPD with some barely having symptoms and others near death. I may not be near death but wanted to keep it that way. I also have some problems with my heart and can quickly build fluids.

           Day by day it became more difficult to find the bright side of life. There were moments I began to think I was more of a burden in life. I continued to try to gain strength but even going from one room to another was a challenge. I live in a world of pain. That is something that wears on more than the body. This past year I have been undergoing treatments on my back that have help immensely. The bones have deteriorated to the extent that there was not way to stop the pain short of killing the nerves. There pain might be there but lessened in the areas where I could not feel it. We can not deaden with nerve branch blocks my whole spine. This is not only a challenging thing to endure but to accept and realize that bit by bit my body is giving way makes seeing hope for the future difficult.

           I have wanted to be active on the internet, writing, and the new books I am working on but even sitting in a chair is a challenge. I have wanted for so long to be active in person and not just on the internet and the telephone but have not been able to do it. Even if my health improved it is difficult to find a place to meet we can be sure is available. Those things depressed me but there was more intense problems soon to occur.

            They can not give me strong pain medications without risking respiratory failure. The pain is so intense that my blood pressure is often dangerously high. The medications for blood pressure can only do so much. I have some wonderful doctors working together to do all that they can for me.

           The problem is, what more can they do? The 'cold' got worse. The coughing was severe but I kept thinking if I did all I could and took the medications and breathing treatments I would get better. I am pretty tough and have lived through some difficult times. I could do it. I could get better and stronger. I got a prescription of antibiotics and was sure that would make the difference. I had once had pneumonia and coughed so hard I broke a rib. I feared the cold was much more than I wanted to admit.

           That was one month ago. I had been enjoying the pictures and sites out out back windows. I am working on a book of Art and Words and Inspirations. I am using my paintings, photos and those my family takes to help me. I am excited about it as I think there are so many times I need a happy thought for the day or reminder to never give up and want to share the feeling of hope.

           Winter had set in with a vengeance. We had not only terribly cold temperatures but also ice. We had some snow but by then we had six inches of ice. The little animals that live in the wooded area here are stressed to find food. My husband got some bags of corn and began to put out portions out back. It was wonderful. The yard would fill with all kinds of birds in the day. Other times we would see deer coming one by one and then two and finally whole groups for the food they could find when all else was buried in ice.

           One deer has only three legs. She cold not stand and slap at the ice with her front hoof because she only had one front leg. I was fascinated seeing the creature who proudly survived the wild with such a limitation. She did not give up. She came every day and as we often watched her out the window the alert creature began to take an interest in us too. She would often stand right outside the window and look in. The heavy shroud of ice began to feel like a prison as we waited for warmer weather and surviving the cold.

           It soon became a nightmare in ice. We live in the hills with curving roads. We had six inches of ice on the ground and more falling as I found myself in a life threatening situation and needing help. I could not breathe.

           My husband called 911 and they assured us help was on the way but the roads would make it difficult and they would be there as soon as possible. The 911 dispatcher maintained a calming and reassuring tone to the call as they gathered as much information as possible to assist in the situation and dispatched Emerson Ambulance. Every moment was a terror as I fought to breathe. My chest felt locked as in or out was little more than wheezing gasps. I could hardly speak and soon felt lurching and jerking spasms as I fought to live and breathe. Every moment was a life time.

           More than ice covered roads presented a problem as our drive is long and steep and was covered in ice. The ambulance got a run at it and made it to the top to turn around getting in a position for them to be able to load me in. That was not to be as the ambulance with the attendants slid unstoppably to the bottom.

            I have fought so hard to stay alive and be able to live my life with family and friends and do something special in the time I have, but at that moment I doubted I would see another day. The EMT Tonya McColum and Paramedic Adam Karr could have called for more help or waited to find a way to assist me but they did not hesitate. They did not wait as I fought to breathe. They had to trudge pulling the gurney or stretcher up that ice covered hill fighting for footing all the way. They braved dangerous footing not hesitating to reach me and render help.

           We got me out of the house, strapped and secured with more icy slush raining down on us. Trying to safely negotiate me to the waiting ambulance and the equipment and help I needed was not going to be easy but it was something to remember. You have to understand that from my point of view I could not see it all but I heard enough to know it took courage, determination and professional calm to do what had to be done for me. Adam and Tonya risked their own safety but did not hesitate. My husband was by my side helping as best he could too.

            The stretcher began to slide faster and faster down the icy slope. The ice from the sky continued to rain down on us and there was no way to stop or slow our descent. I could hear my husband saying he was trying to find some traction but there was nothing he could do. One of them mentioned they could not let me tip. There would be no way to stop for any of us. The stretcher with all four of us gained speed sliding through the icy night. We stopped at the bottom at the ambulance. Even loading the stretcher was a problem as ice had frozen under the stretcher making it difficult to fold the wheels. They got me safely in the ambulance and immediately began care for me and to transport me to the hospital.

           I was amazed as the Paramedic and EMT showed not a moments hesitation not only getting me to the ambulance but immediately starting to work on me. I know after our slide down the icy slope the adrenalin had to be pumping in all of us and knowing how serious it could have been if the stretcher had tipped creating even more stress but the calm was more than the actions to help me. Even the tone of voice was reassuring and an IV established before we even left the drive.

           When we are hurt or in need of help, those we call to are in our mind at the moment but we often forget the courage and dedication these people show every day in so many different situations. When there is a fire we are so grateful but if it is not us in need do we remember these people work and live at the ready to assist and even risk their own safety to help others? When we are afraid or needing a police officer do we remember in other times he or she is risking their lives every time they answer a call? I want to always remember and be grateful to all of those who work so hard helping others in so many professions. The people who brave the freezing and stormy weather to restore our electricity and so many others are often forgotten in sunny days.

            When we are in a hurry and an emergency vehicle is approaching, the moment we take to pull aside and stop could make such a difference. The drivers are flashing lights and sirens for a reason and every second could count. If it was my house burning those few minutes could mean so much. If a prowler was breaking in to my house what a difference a minute or two could be to the outcome. What about the safety of those who hurry to aid others? Every trip and every day they stand ready to help.

           I was not sure I would see a tomorrow but they got me safely to help and took care of me all the way. Any one who pulled aside, if there were others out on such a night, helped me to safety. too.

           I spent time in the ER then to Accute Care and after that to a regular hospital room at St. Bernards and have to say I not only had excellent care but constant positive reassurances and interactions. I was not just short of breath, I needed help and that is what I got. I am so blessed to have such wonderful doctors and medical care, family and friends, but also all of those along the way who work each day reaching out to others. What a night to remember.

Today Is The Day

             I posted this pictures asking what would Today Is The Day mean to you. I have heard so many responses and each different. When I thought of it my feelings were not those of hope filled with the beauty of life. I had begun to feel hopeless and tired. When I say tired, it is more than a lack of sleep. When I say tired, it is an immense feeling through and through. I have hurt so long with no way to escape the constant pain. I have tried to adapt and adjust and find ways to go forward and find meaning in life. In the last few years I have survived cancer, heart issues and even more than that. I began to feel tired.

            When I wrote the book telling the story of part of my life called I will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life is a Journey    ( US    http://www.amazon.com/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=la_B004PVDVR4_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412205803&sr=1-3     and UK   http://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1412205856&sr=8-3&keywords=linda+nance   I  intended to not just tell about my life or things I had done or plan to do. I wanted to share the thought that as hard as life can become, we can not give up. There may be so much beauty and happiness ahead we would miss if we fail to find ways to reach out in life. I still believe that and have been delighted at the responses to the book. I wanted to write something that could reach beyond the pages and touch or help others. I wanted to be able to use words to share life and created hope.

            That brings me back to this post Today Is The Day. I had said so many times that I would not give up....not today, but had begun to question if that day was near. Is Today the day????? It is not a suicidal thought but one of lost hope. I have worked most of my life to overcome problems and try to go forward in life. I have worked very hard to not just be alive but to live life the best that I can. I do have some health issues to deal with. I do not have to do anything but quit working so hard to keep going and find my health declining.

            Living every hour in pain takes a toll. I finally was able to find a doctor who prescribed medication to help but the pain is still unending. I think of my beautiful grandsons and children and see the trees beginning to change color and realize what a wonderful world and precious life this is.

            I recently had a procedure done to block the pain in a portion of my back that radiates all the way down to my foot. I have to admit I was afraid. When you deal with nerves and the spinal cord there are so many things that can go wrong. My foot still has broken bones that after being pinned re-broke. My bones are now too fragile to hold the pins. Every step has been with pain and even sitting resting, it often throbs.

           I had been warned that the procedure was painful and it was. What happened after that amazed me. I did have some numbness down the leg as if it was partly asleep but I did still have feeling and could tell if it was being touched but I felt no pain. My back in that area was not hurting, my leg did not have the terrible cramps and pain and even more than that.....my foot did not hurt. For 14 years I have lived with the pain in my foot. It did not hurt. I must have appeared unhinged as I sat moving it back and forth watching it and even thumped it on the floor. My husband looked concerned and asked if I was alright.

            I had to smile and laugh saying “Oh yes. I am more than alright. It does not hurt. I can not believe it. It does not hurt.”

            I know there are many more procedures to go and there are no guarantees but I have hope. I do not hope to be fully healed and young and healthy because I know that is not to be. I hope to be able to enjoy the wonderful people and times in this life. I hope to be able to make a difference and do many things. I hope to be able to share the love of those around me.

            Yesterday is gone and will never be again. Tomorrow is not yet here but Today is the day..... May we live for today, learn from yesterday and look forward to tomorrow with hope and joy in our hearts.

            Today Is The Day....... yes it is. Every new day is the day to remember we can do so many things if we do not give up....not today.

 I love to use my water color paintings to be able to add words to share....

From Then To Now and On To Tomorrow

          I have wanted to write this for some time but finding the right words to share this part of a journey in life has been a challenge. There are so many things to tell and complicated in many ways.

          I first walked into St. Bernard's Health and Wellness center almost a year ago. I say that I walked but I hobbled, shuffled and struggled every inch of the way. I was dragging my little trolly thing that held the big bottle of oxygen I have had to use since the cancer made it necessary to remove so much of my lung. Constant fatigue was something I had been living with as I tried to survive but the heart issues were almost more than I had the strength to overcome and continue to believe I could do it.... what ever 'it' was. The building was beautiful, clean and has fantastic huge windows all around. The impressive sight lasted only moments before the fear of falling took over making my way to begin sessions my cardiologist has scheduled for rehab, after I had problems resulting in 4 stints in my heart.

          I can try to explain how tired I was but the truth is that I was almost bed-fast at that point. I had become so weak that just being alive was a challenge. The thought of an exercise program seemed almost impossible but the doctor thought it necessary and I was going to try my best. I was trying my best to stay alive.

          Many people go to a gym to get into shape or loose a bit of weight. The outlook and pressure to accomplish goals is quite different from someone who feels they are working to live or die and have no way to tell what the future would hold and those who enjoy health and vigor with no understanding of the feeling when those wondrous things in life are no longer theirs to enjoy. The moods and reactions also may differ from person to person. I saw some people bursting with energy and health ready to do amazing things. Other people seemed almost angry feeling pressured by doctors to endure things they felt were beyond them. Seeing the changes after they began their routines was amazing. I had no idea what to expect or what to do. I felt vulnerable and fragile but determined to try with all my might.

          From the moment I first entered there were people there smiling, helpful and supportive. Working with the public allows a person to develop a professional demeanor being friendly and helpful in what ever capacity they have but these people radiated warmth and welcome. That helped but I had a long way to go even to get from the front door through the lobby and up the elevator to the place I needed to be.

          You can try to be brave but I was afraid. I was afraid I would not be able to do what I knew I had to do to regain my strength and improve the circulation and keep the stints open. I was intimidated in unfamiliar circumstances and surroundings. The last thing I wanted was to have another heart attack. I knew no one there. Everyone where I was going had suffered their own problems and health issues. Each one was there working toward goals of their own and for their own reasons. Some seemed determined to push through their hardships with amazing courage. They were not doing it for their doctors or others who might see or know of their work. They were working to survive. Some seemed almost angry and appeared or expressed their feelings of hopelessness and fruitless efforts doing things so difficult for them they were miserable. Those attitudes and irritated angry individuals were met with the same smiling encouraging attitudes of supportive help from the staff as those who arrived smiling and ready to begin their work. I do not know what I appeared to be when viewed by others. I was just so very tired and afraid.

           The staff was supportive and caring as they made sure I safely made it to the cardio rehab area. What I found there was amazing in many ways. Every precaution was taken to protect me and help me. The medical staff there for us were so competent but also radiated such a positive and professional manner you could not help but smile and know you could give it a try. When we arrive they took our blood pressure and pulse, respiratory and hooked up the monitor for the ekg I would wear whenever I exercised. Knowing they could see what the heart was doing was a bit more reassuring but also knowing there was such caring and competent staff who were not only there but attending to each of us the whole time and a doctor also in the building had me ready to see if I could do this thing what ever it was.

          They have an amazing array of machines to exercise in many ways. I have a crippled foot and severe back problems. I live in a world of pain and every step making this thing I was about to do a challenge. Walking on a treadmill is impossible. Many of the things some can do I can not. They did have a machine that held my back in alignment and worked not only the legs but arms as well. It was work. It was a lot of work.

          There were many other people there with their wires and electrodes in place ready to start their own routines. I felt the outsider but that feeling was short lived. There are many things in life that are contagious. Attitudes can be something that is shared too from one to another. Even the other patients had such a positive outlook and a smile for the new comer. Jim and Vicky and all of the others who worked there made you feel not only cared for and protected but encouraged and supported in an understanding but encouraging manner. They may think they work there and are doing their jobs but they are doing so much more with the way the work with people. They are touching lives and helping others to find a way to not only stay alive but live and smile, feeling hope.

          My first session I worked as hard as I possibly could and lasted 5 minutes before I was literally shaking and feeling as if I had hit the limit of my strength. I felt a fear not knowing if I would even be able to walk to leave and go home but I knew they did have wheelchairs if needed and they would be there for me. I did not want to have to have help or a wheelchair. I wanted to make it on my own and walk out just as I had walked in, however slow it may have been. I did and I made it but I noticed they watched after me making sure that I was alright That was the beginning.

          The insurance only allowed a certain number of visits and I was determined to get the most out of each visit that I could. There were times that I hurt. I was always tired. The tired I felt was not the same as I had know in healthier times. This was a tired that felt as if the life had drained from me leaving very little left.

          I suffered several set backs with times I could not go to do the work so necessary for me to improve. I did not just have the heart issues to deal with. I had the limited pulmonary function from not only COPD but also the removal of the whole upper lobe of my lung from cancer. I had a mass under the aorta that gives a bit to think about and great concern about blood pressure. I had been on many medications trying to control the blood pressure but had been known to run 220/110 from time to time and most times ran unacceptably high no matter what we had tried. I believed and they saw from different times in the hospital that the level of pain greatly affected the blood pressure. I lived in a world of pain from the back, foot and many other areas of the body. They were afraid to give pain medications because one of the major issues was the fact that in reducing the level of pain, the medications also reduced lung function. I understood the general idea that it would not do any good to stop the pain in the patient if I went to sleep and lung function decreased killing the patient. Most times I would have gratefully taken that risk just to ease the pain. The doctors were not willing to take that risk so I pressed on with this new program to keep the blood flowing and stints open.

          When I said that I suffered several set backs, they were ones that were not just limiting or inconvenient but things that put me back in the hospital. A simple cold can become a big issue for me and pneumonia can be life threatening. If I thought I was tired when I started, that round gave me time to wonder if there was any hope at all to keep going. Was all of the pain, work and effort just making me more miserable for nothing? When I got back to the sessions at St. Bernards Health and Wellness Institute where I had been doing the sessions the doctor had ordered, I was again met with people who seemed so confident and encouraging it made no difference if I believed it would help or not. Their continued care gave me the strength to do one more session....one more minute on the machine....one more stroke of the handles. One more. One more session, one more day, one more reason to hope I had a chance to live.

          I will not tell you that I am an optimist who suffers no doubts or depression. When I fell, everything on me hurt. Falling was a fear that was a very real threat for me. I ended up not only in the ER but admitted. When they had finished the X-Rays and tests the doctors had a serious talk with me explaining what all they had found and seen. The condensed version is that I am getting old and worn out. They did not say it in that manner and were very kind and trying to not depress me with the diagnosis and prognosis but I had demanded honesty. The only way I can emotionally deal with all of this, is if I understand what I am facing to try to make a plan of what I will do. They did not want me to give up but to understand there are limitations to what I can do or expect from the work ahead of me. Nothing they told me was news but it confirmed how difficult it would be to accomplish improvement and how painful and demanding it would be.

          I went back and continued to work one session at a time and minute by minute with amazing results. The blood pressure was coming down. It helped with the back problems and the breathing became much easier and greatly improved. I began to feel a passion with every visit. The other patients or people there in the programs of their own were such a blessing with their friendly and courageous attitudes working and pushing forward. 

 

          One day as I was sitting at the table off to the side where my blood pressure was checked and the electrodes for the ekg were put into place I watched. Before me were row after row of machines of all kinds. A group of other heart patients were steadily walking on the treadmills there. Step by step they continued each at their own pace. As I watched the people, their expressions and their progress, the thought occurred to me that they were not walking.....they were marching. They were not marching forward to a destination of location or to a challenge of event such as a soldier would in battle. They were marching to an objective of health and life. They were an army of people working side by side to survive each encouraging those around them but also in a solitary mission of their own.

          I had an occasion of what they diagnosed as a TIA or some call a mini stroke. It is more than the loss of movement and feeling. At the time I felt such confusion and could not understand why my left arm would not move. I did not understand why my body had become so heavy and I felt numb. I know what the symptoms mean especially with the problem I have with blood pressure but could not think any better than I could move.

          It took a lot of work to get it all going again but the program and people there were a life line for me and I was able to go back and work on again....one more time....one more step, one more repetition, one more minute.

          There were times I wanted to quit but feared I might not only decline in health and ability to function but actually die. The thought of death does not hold the fear for me it does for some. There are times I wondered why I had worked so hard and hurt so much when I could have just given up and let it all end. Let all of the pain and hurtful things in body and mind be over was a thought that battled with the desire to try just a little longer and harder.

          I would get online on the computer and hear such wonderful kindness and thoughtful words across the screen from so many people. They will never know how much it meant to me seeing their encouragement and expressions of hope. I would look at my family and friends and see that something special that makes you try a little longer or harder. I would look at my grandson and know I could not give up. He is my little ray of sunshine. He makes me smile and feel in my heart there is more in life that I need to do. He believes in me and I could not give up and leave him.

          When he was little he would rub my hands when they hurt and it always brought such a smile to my face and did ease the pain. Was it the feeling from the rubbing, the relaxation from having the hands messaged, or the feeling of love he radiated as he did what he could to make his grandmother feel better that made it all better? I told him he had magic in his hands and it made me so much better. Love is magic. Love can do amazing things and this little kindness and effort did so much and brought a smile not only to my face but to my heart. He believed in the magic.

          As the years passed he grew older and smiled at me one day. “Mamaw (That is what he calls me) I don't really have magic in my hands, do I?” I had to laugh before I answered.

          When I told him Mom, my daughter about the conversation she frowned and asked me why I tell him such things? I told her exactly what I told him. “To me, he has magic in his hands and I will tell you why. When he rubs my tired old hands they do feel better. Is it magic, rubbing or knowing he does what he does because he loves me. Feeling like you are loved is a magic feeling and it makes the world brighter. Love can make you feel better. That is magic. Yes I do think he has magic in his hands.... and he makes me smile.”

          She had to laugh when I told her and he thought on it for a while before he answered. “OK Mamaw. If you think it is magic I guess I will believe in magic. I do love you.”

          What does it take for a person to find the strength to go on and keep trying when life gets hard and things cause pain? I really do not have the answers but believe it is a combination of things. I can not refrain from expressing how much I believe in a higher power. We can call God by many names but for me he is ever there and I believe in the power of prayer. Is it the combination of positive thoughts from others or an answer from above? When I hear from all of those who remembered me, there is a power to inspire me to never give up. To each and every one of you who have taken the time to communicate with me, weather I was able to answer or not, I hear you and feel so much from you that I want to thank you and let you know that you make a difference. Finding the strength to go on for me is a combination of many things but it is not giving up each and everyday. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I want to live the best that I can for this day.

          I am not eligible for the continued cardio rehab program the doctor prescribed but have been able to continue working through the St Bernards Health and Wellness Institute as a member there and now have finally been able to find a pain management doctor that seems to be doing his very best to help me find a way to survive in this body and this life. With all of this time working there, amazing things are occurring a little at a time that are in themselves like small miracles. Combined exercise and medications are showing my blood pressure near normal. That is something I have not seen for so many years I can not remember when it was something for me to have. I could breathe easier. I could do more. We had always checked and kept constant monitoring of my oxygen levels as I worked but we were seeing it holding in not only safe numbers but really good numbers. After all of these years I could actually exercise and still breathe and not have my oxygen level drop. We did a night study to see if I could survive on the pain meds while sleeping without the oxygen level dropping..... and this is without the oxygen. I did good. I did really good. Is it the work or a miracle? I am the same person with the damages of life and illness but doing so much better is so many ways.

          The new doctor is working with me as a whole patient and not just the complaint of pain. He seems concerned to help me as a person and not just complaint or number on a chart. I had one doctor who ignored all about me except his own narrow view and was determined to treat me like with a total disregard for other health issues and go into the spine doing what ever he decided I needed to do. I asked what would happen to my spine when he went in with me on all of these blood thinners and he ignored it. I demanded to know if the excessive bleeding would not be a problem and he arrogantly announced I was to quit the blood thinners for two weeks and he would …....I have never felt so frustrated and endangered. This man could kill me and his whole attitude was that my problem was that I was lazy. If I worked harder I would be in better shape and I needed to get an exercise bicycle and forget the wellness center that had seemed to help so much. He said it was a waste of time and I should do as he says if I do not want to live in severe pain for the rest of my life. I could go on for hours about this man but will keep it short and say there is no way to describe my disgust and anger for such a person who is called doctor. Who knows how much suffering, despair and damage this man has caused to others? When I asked him if he would guarantee I would not have a heart attack or the stints close up killing me he glared at me. I reminded him the cardiologist told me not to miss a single dose and he prescribed the rehab that had helped so much, he did not answer for some time as he gave me what I thought was a look of contempt. He finally told me he would check with the cardiologist and then begin what he had planned for me.

          The cardiologist made it clear I was not to stop the blood thinners or anyone go into my spine at this time. I decided I would never go back to this man or allow him any treatment for me no matter how bad the pain was. I could quit taking my heart and blood pressure meds anytime, lay down and die and suffer less than in his hands. He had left me feeling so helpless and hopeless that I faced a future with no relief at all from this body that trapped me in pain even in the late night hours robing me of sleep, peace and hope to keep going.

          I did not know if the new doctor would accept me or what to expect from him. What I have seen so far is a competent and caring doctor that is working with me and the other doctors to safely help me. I am now on mild pain meds and muscle relaxers that help. I can not take strong medications and safely be sure to breathe through the night and an addiction to the drugs would only result in building a tolerance requiring higher doses with more side affects. Physical therapy has been prescribed in addition to the medications. We were back to the problem that it is not one nerve involved but the whole lumbar and sacral region and the respiratory problems and other health issues including a crippled foot. Working in water was what was finally decided. Working to strengthen and increase flexibility without doing more damage to old joints and bones seems safer in water. I know it will tire me and make me sore and hurt but the pain from working to get stronger is so much different that pain from more injuries in falls or as inactivity slowly or quickly erodes what strength and ability I have left.

          I am doing it. I am in a program of physical therapy at the same place and going to continue to use the machine that has helped me so much so far too. I have been so pleased to meet and am getting to know them in this department too. It is a relief to be in the hands of competent and caring people who encourage and inspire you to go forward in challenges that could make a whole new future enabling me to do more and not only be alive but live life. Each and everyone I have met in this place from the first I see when I come in the door to the professionals who care for me and help me work to the wonderful people there working each in their own way sharing a smile and encouraging word are a blessing.

          I am ever so thankful for the caring and dedicated physicians that have worked to help me stay in this world and do better. The nurses and medical personnel are often overlooked in all that they do but I will never forget all they have done for me.

          Knowing that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come but today is the blessing I have to do with as I am able and choose, is a thought I keep near to me. I may not be promised tomorrow but I will look for tomorrow and things I have in my heart to do. I want to continue to be here on the internet for as long as I can sharing things and grateful to all of those who share with me. I want to finish the book I am working on and the next two novels after that I already have in mind. I want to be able to help my grandson with the book he has started and the story he is working and developing. I want to be able to laugh and share good time with family and fiends. I want to work with children and schools and share the idea to never give up. I want them to realize that what they learn is not only the grade that they get but a gift that can help them in all of their lives. I want them to see that they too can make their dreams come true if they are willing to learn all that they can, work as hard as they can, believe in themselves and never give up. I can try to do these things and have hope for the future.

          I know I will never be well or young again but I can and will try to be the best that I can be and do all that I can for as long as I can. I came so close to giving up. I almost thought it was time to finish the books about my life I had started with the one I called I Will Not Give Up....Not Today....Life Is A Journey and write I Did Not Give Up...But Don't Know About Tomorrow...This Journey Is Almost Over. I wrote that book not to tell about my life but to share the idea we can not give up. I tried to be honest in sharing thoughts of good times and some that were almost more than I could endure. I can honestly say now that I am not writing that second book and not giving up.

          There is so much more in life I do not want to miss. There is so much more that I want to do. There is so much I am grateful for and feel blessed. I will be back soon but am wishing you each happiness, health and bright days ahead.