Count My Blessings

Part 2

From Then To Now and Never Give Up

I have cried. I have felt fear. I am not so much afraid to die but can not abide the thought of leaving those I love and all of the friends in person and online who have been so loving and supportive in so many ways. I still have an occasional cry but am determined to begin the journey of living and staying alive.

I believe in prayer and am thankful for all of those who pray for me now and before. I know the good Lord will be with me and see me through however things work out but am hoping and praying it will be for me to continue in this life.

The things that I am facing now and will face even more in the near future are so uncertain with the final outcome but I have been thinking back to other challenging times. Many of the thoughts and feelings of the past are now again my present.

I have wanted to write this for some time now. When I think of the title it is impossible to tell of how many blessings I have had in my life. There are some times and people that do come to mind and I can not forget.

Right now my thoughts have drifted back....way back. We would never have dreamed I would be here today typing and finding so many more things in life to be grateful for.

I ran across some things I wrote long ago. This is from

January 31, 2010 at 12:30pm

I went in on December 28 for a CT scan and waited for the results. Every time I called they did not have the results. Last Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment and was curious to hear what they found. I was shocked. I was happily shocked. I had not explained that last summer I found out that the tumor under the aorta was growing. I have lasted so much longer than the six months that we originally thought that I had to live, but have felt for a long time that every day may be my last.

Unless you have ever suffered a devastating illness it is hard to explain or for others to understand what it is like when you say that you are tired. I get so very tired there are no words to describe what it feels like to a healthy person. You can work or play all day and be so tired that you can not stay awake, but it is not a frightening thing or a bad feeling such as the tiredness that I feel. There is no way for a person to understand what it is like to hurt and live in pain every day of your life and know there is no escape but death. Even in the late night hours it can wake you from a sound sleep, if you get into a sound sleep.

I had wanted to write books to entertain and hopefully sell and help support myself and family. I had wanted to write poetry and stories and other things. I wanted to write things that could make other people feel and think. I have tried to do all of these things. I have completed 3 novels and hundreds of pages of other works. I have written poetry and have another novel well on it’s way. I have not been able to find an agent or publisher and fear that time may be short. I do not and have not given up, but am very tired and have been very close to deciding that I am too tired. I am too tired to keep fighting to go on. I am tired of the constant pain.

When I feel like that, I get a visit or call from friends or family but especially from my angel boy. He really is my little angel. He makes me smile and laugh and look for tomorrow. He helps me to live life instead of being alive. He may never realize how very special he is, but the patience and love he shows is beyond his age of 4. He is a blessing. My daughter brings that little grandson to visit and helps in every way that she can. She never forgets us and you can see the love in her eyes.

When it took so long to get the last test results back I feared that it was not good news. I have made sure this time that I did not run out of the herbal tea. I have even increased the amount that I drink. I am trying my best, but how much can a little tea do with tumors under the aorta? Essiac tea has helped more than others would believe.

The Jonesboro Church Health Center has been a life line for me. We do not have insurance or the kind of money it would take for the usual medical care. This place has served and helped so many people for so many years that would otherwise have had to go without any medical help. We are not all eligible for the programs or able to afford insurance. The clinic charges fees that are reasonable and offers not only some medical care, but excellent care.

There are all kinds of ways a person can do a job. They can do a job well. They can do it proficiently and efficiently. The people that work at this place do all of that, but they do so much more. They do their work showing compassion, and care in a respectful and intensely sincere manner that allows a patient to feel like a person. It allows a patient to feel as if there are those that care about them and not just the case that they are. I know that these people and this place does all that it can to help me and that I would not have lived as long as I have if it were not for them and the way that they care about other people. When you talk about doing something special in life, these people do it every day.

There are other people that work with them to help. How can you thank a doctor or specialist that takes the time to volunteer or treat at reduced, (very reduced rates compared to the normal fees) people who have no way to pay what they would have to pay or thank them as they deserve. The doctors help so much more than they can realize. If you have a problem and no way to get help you have to either live or die with it. That may be a simplistic way to describe a difficult situation, but it is the truth. There have been doctors, and they know who they are, that have helped so much and did it with heart and compassion. They work and have volunteered to help because of the special people that they are. I believe that God knows and sees people such as these. Bless you each and every one.

The reason it took so long to get the results is not because I was being neglected or overlooked but because the results seemed medically impossible and they wanted to be sure that they had read the right results in my report. They double checked and verified that the tumors had not grown at all. There were no new growths. I am not well or cured, but for over 8 months things have held as they were instead of getting worse. That may not sound like much, but to me it is a miracle. If it had grown as it had before, I would either be dead or not far from it.

Instead, I am looking forward to warmer weather and our next visit with the grandson and the times we can go down the road and listen to the music with friends and neighbors. There is no way I could say too much about these people and what they have done for me. I do not think that they realize what an impact their friendship has meant to both of us. Things are not easy for Albert. There are times I see the worry in his eyes or the watchful way he spots when I am too tired or the pain is unusually intense and it is time to go home. Most of the time, he fixes our breakfast. I try my best to fix the other meals but sometimes he does that too.

I had an idea for a book that I wanted to write that would incorporate these blogs or what ever you call this journal like thing I am writing and often posting on the internet. I thought about writing a book called ‘I Die a Little Each Day, But Am Not Dead Yet…Not Today.’ I was afraid that it might be a little to real or depressing for those that are close to me if they read some of the things that I am actually going through. What I hoped for in writing such a thing, would be that others who are going through difficult times would realize that we can not give up. I will continue to think on that project. I have so many things in mind that I want to do and write.

There are so many people suffering devastating illnesses and injuries and so many that suffer with pain, disabilities and debilitating disorders or deadly illnesses. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy for depression to either slowly drift in or descend like a blanket that smothers a person. It is easy to feel helpless and hopeless. If I allow all of that to be my lot in life, then I am already dead even if I am still alive. I believe that there are so many people that never really live their lives. I want to live and be alive. I want to see the smiles of the grandchildren, hear the laughter and enjoy the good times. I want to be there to comfort, support, show love and care. I want to hold them and cry with them when times break your heart. I want to be, and do, and live. How to do all of that is a real question.

I get so tired and hurt. I am trying to write. If there was a way for others to know and read my words then I would not be alone. They would not be alone either as we share thoughts, feelings and dreams and fears. I had hoped that I could find a way to use words to reach out and touch others. I wanted to be able to use words to paint pictures and make people feel and think. I hope that I have done that in the novels and other things that I have written.

The woman who lives in the area and had the little boy that suffered the serious burns thanked me a while back. She said that what I wrote touched them all and that it reached others and made such a difference to so many people that read it that the donations they received after it was published in the newspaper were enough to meet all of the child’s medical needs. What she told me meant so much to me. I could not bake cakes or do a lot of the work to make the fundraiser a success, but if my words could help an injured child, then I had indeed accomplished what I am trying to do with that. Maybe it helped someone else who read it.

I have had a few letters to the editor published in the local paper, but I do not think that these things that I write from my heart will be read or heard. I see no way for people to even know that it is here for them to share. If we ever get the money to go on line I would love to have my own web site and be able to share and try many things. I used to sculpt and paint. I liked to do bead work and candles and many other arts and crafts. I may not be able to do a lot of things, but who knows, if I had a place to show and share, there might be others out there who would want to help and buy the things I make. They might be able to feel a little less lonely as they read some of the things I wrote or know that we are never really alone. I do believe in God and that he is here with us. There are miracles that happen every day and often we overlook what is right before us.

We may have problems and pray to God saying that there is no way we can work these things out and beg for his help. Later when the problems are better we smile and say that we knew all along we would find a way and we did. There are other times that things happen and we blame God or angrily wonder how he could have allowed such an injustice or cruelty. I do not have those answers and have even thought them myself before. What I believe is, that if we knew all of the answers we would be God, because only he knows all. It is by faith and trust in him, that we may find peace and know that all is not lost. There is more to come.

I am growing very tired and will take a break and try to write more later today. I have so much more I want to share, but it will have to wait.

As I look back at the words I wrote so long ago I have many emotions and thoughts. They would never have found the mass under the aorta if it had not been for the pneumonia that had set in. I had coughed so hard that I broke a rib and by accident they found the mass.

Later in life I had a terrible pain where I had never hurt before. It became so intense I could no longer stand it and went to the hospital. When they x-rayed my back where the pain was, they saw so much more. They saw the tumors in the left lung that could so quickly end my life. I could say it was also by accident they found them just in time....we hoped it was not too late....

When I got home from the hospital the spot that had hurt so badly no longer hurt at all and has never hurt there since.

What I had written in 2010 about doctors that volunteered at that clinic I have to tell a bit more about one named Dr. Sifford. He is amazing as a doctor and a blessing as a human being who cares for so many and helps in every way that he can. If I count my blessings, he and that clinic are blessings to me and so many others.

Dr. Sifford worked with me for years there at the clinic as I have always had upper respiratory problems. Seeing him in different times of need and he was always still there helping those who suffered, offered me a chance to know him. He did not give up on those who reached out to him. He cares. I have never known him personally or even had a cup of coffee with him but I do think of him as my friend and my doctor. A friend is someone who cares. Once in a while in life you meet someone special and he is very special. My whole family feels the same way about him and all of the help he has rendered. He is that to so many people who reach out to him for help.

I ran across another thing that I wrote August 25, 2010 at 2:51pm

I want to make my dreams come true and not give up.

I said that I was going to write no matter what and be honest in what I wrote, so here I am. Honestly….I have been tired. I have been very tired, but I am not giving up. I hurt, but I am not giving in. It is not a stubborn attitude or ignorant denial that I am not receiving the usual medical course of treatments. I have more than one thing wrong and there is no recommended treatment. My previous notes explain all of that in detail. They explain more of the whole picture.
What they do not tell is how I have been up all night because I hurt. By morning I could not take it anymore and spent until now in the ER, tests, ct scans and all of that. When trying to find the cause for the pain they found more. They found that the tumor must have metastasized from what it had been and there is another one large enough they do not want to wait at all for the biopsy. They know that if they can not find a way to stop it soon I will have no more tomorrows. WOW.. this is hard. It is so hard for my husband and daughter. He and my daughter are the only ones that know until now.
I have been sitting here thinking many things. I cried. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel afraid that I will not be able to do as I have always said….Make my dreams come true. Not give up.
A couple of days ago I was so excited. I am going to have one of my books published. This is what it is….
LIFE GOES ON
The Family of five found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from their apartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation they accepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live and new start in life. They had no choices except seeing their family homeless in a rough part of the city.
Against protest from the two eldest children they moved. The differences in all that they had known were immense. It was not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experienced moments that would test their sense of humor and times that would test their strength of character.
Life became complicated. There were some difficult issues they would have to face and how they responded could have life altering consequences. Situations escalated for different family members in different ways that could destroy them and those around them or test them and force them to make choices and face the consequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each person learned in their own way.
This is a story of people and a place they would work to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumph and times of despair. It is a story that talks to many of us in different ways as the characters struggle with life.
They had weathered the difficult transition of the relocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for them all. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.



I understand that publishing a book is only one step. How can people know about it, want it, or decide to get it? I am going to do my best. This is my dream. I want to publish it then one other novel before the children’s book and coloring book that goes with it. Then I have another novel completed and one I am working on. I am not going to give up or give in. I will try to keep my dreams not only alive, but make them come true.
As I am doing all of this, I do intend to keep a journal type of record in my notes here and also on blogspot and any other I might be able to start. I do at times get tired. I am still excited about the book, but the way things are health wise is difficult. I have been in bad shape before and am not dead yet….NOT TODAY. Lately I have begun to wonder if this is the day. Late at night when it is so hard, I have at times felt so alone. Then I realize I am not alone. I believe not only in prayer, but that God will be there with me and help to give me strength. One day at a time….Life Goes On….just like my book.
I am going to wait and write more tomorrow. It has been a day.

 

September 7, 2010  

A time of choices and decisions

 

Life is filled with choices. Some are big and life changing choices. Some are so subtle and casual that we hardly realize we are making them. This has been a time of many choices and decisions for me. I have been, and am so excited to see the novel I wrote finally being put into book form. There are decisions and choices...many choices...what font, what size, what templates, what about the cover, the book size, design and many more. What will we have for supper? Should I have the biopsy Surgery or no surgery? Can I wake up from the anesthesia? Can I live through a procedure that big? Can I survive and function afterward with part of the lung gone? How will I manage when I first come home? How can we afford this? Will the function test show that I can tolerate any of it? We will know very soon. The growth rate of the tumor is not allowing me to wait to decide. I wanted to get my book out. If the function test is good enough they will still do a total body scan to see if it is only the 4 we know of, or there is no use in going through all of this at all. Every time the do an x ray they find a tumor. They checked on the broken rib and there is the one under the aorta. They check a vertebrae and now this one that is really growing.... and so on.


I have been trying so hard. There are no words to tell how difficult it can be and how desperately tired I get. There is no way to say how difficult it is, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Now is the time that I have to make the right decisions. I want to be there for my children and grandchildren. I want to see them grow up and know me. I want to hold that little hand in mine and feel the magic in the touch filled with the love of a child. I do not want to go. I want to share laughter and love and good times with my family and be there for my angelboy. I don't want to go...Not today. I want to reach out to the world and make a difference.



It seems unimaginable to share such thoughts with so many people that I have never met. I have to say what a wonderful and inspirational outpouring of love, care, and sharing there has been from so many. I want to thank each and everyone one of you because you cared. I want you to know that it makes a difference. You have made a difference. I want to thank you for the kind words, cares, prayers and messages. Pray that God grants me the wisdom to choose wisely, the strength to endure and the courage to face the future and the blessing of life for another day.

September 11, 2010

I have been so tired. Mom is doing better and has been transferred from the ICU to a room. Tuesday they will do another function test and then make a decision if I am strong enough to have the surgery. I will try to keep writing. I know there are so many with problems and hardships and I hope that we all can keep hope, keep faith and never give up.

We have not got the biopsy results yet. I think that if it was good news they would have called me but want to wait and talk to the other specialists and then talk to me in person. We kind of knew that going on. We have no idea about the surgery. It has risks....big risks....I may decide to just try to keep on keeping on. I may decide to give it a try. You can not understand what it feels like to make such choices, but life is not always easy. Mom is doing a lot better for the shape that she is in. At her best she only has 30 percent of heart function now. It is hard. She knows what is going on and so does daddy.

September 27, 2010 ·

Well....mom is stable now and that was the good news....the other is that the tests are done...the biopsy showed that it is malignant and not in a good operable location. This is not good....but I am not going to give up

October 5, 2010 ·

Today I had good news and then some other news. I will probably be going through with the surgery soon....and today I got the proof for the book that I wrote and approved it. They already have it available at the one web site and will have at two others in about 3 weeks. It may be some time before it is available in local bookstores but I will work one step at a time.

I loved the feeling I had as I held my book in my hands. It was like holding a dream and feeling there was hope. The emotions I had during that time of life are beyond words. I did try to find words so that others having difficult times could know they are not alone and to never give up but there were times I was so close to feeling no hope for myself.

The worry for my mother was intense as she battled congestive heart failure and some other problems. It seems that problems never come one at a time. I guess I can think of those times a challenges.

It seemed as if every heart beat the tumors were growing and in such a bad location that it could easily become inoperable if we waited. The problem was that if I was not strong enough to survive the surgery........

At that point they refused to do the surgery. I pleaded but the answer was that the doctor would not do something he thought might either kill me or leave me a vegetable on life support.. He was right but I was desperate.

October 15, 2010 ·

I am feeling so much better. I still get tired and have been busy doing treatments 4 X a day but it is working. We will find out next Friday if it is enough.

October 25, 2010 at 8:55am

I hope to find out today what they decide can be done. Last night was a long one. My husband and I talked of many things...we had to make some decisions either way. Everyday I have to wait the cancer is growing at a rapid rate. The sooner I go in for surgery may also be the last day that I have. Those are some intense thoughts.

October 26, 2010 ·

I said that I would keep writing and I am trying. I have one thing I need to decide today. Should I go ahead and go crazy? I would not have far to go. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude but sometimes I think I am positively going to shatter into a million little pieces. Too many things going round and round in my head and too tired to find a way to stop them long enough to sort them out. Oh well, I will write on my notes, blogs, Fan Page and take them one at a time.

October 21, 2010

 

Last night was not a bad night but it was a long night. Thoughts would not quiet allowing the peaceful sleep that refreshes. Thoughts flew round and round and the hours slowed down to a crawl. It is not daylight yet but the new day is near.



Tomorrow I go for another pulmonary function test to see if they can perform the surgery without leaving me on a ventilator. Part of me is eager to begin the long recovery. The other part fears what could be. I want a chance to live life to the fullest doing and sharing so many things.



I want to step out and watch the sunrise of a new day breathing in the fresh sweet smell of the morning dew. I want to see the sky color as the new day begins. I want to feel the touch of my grandson's magic hands as we start new adventures and share special times.



My precious grandson hugged me last night and spoke as he gazed directly into my eyes. "Mamaw, I'm gonna hug you forever and ever and love you and never let you go." Now, there is the medicine that can make a weak heart strong and a tired old woman like me work to live and get hugs and love forever and ever.



His hands are magic. I told him that they were. I have problems with my hands and they often ache and hurt and often swell. That is odd because the sensory mechanism of touch seems like a delayed response. I am loosing the feeling in both hands. I can not feel when I type now or hot when I am cooking until later when it is too late and I am already burned. The tests show the loss of feeling but they do not know why or what to do. If you can not fix it I am not going to run up more bills. Even with all of that, my bones hurt. It is not a small pain but one that becomes a part of you as your hands and feet twist and swell.



A look of concern crossed his small face as he stood beside me. For one so young he is extremely sensitive. He has concern and compassion that knows no bounds. I explained that my hands hurt. He gently placed his little hand on mine as he slowly and gently rubbed watching me the whole time. "Did that help, Mamaw? Did it make it feel better?"

The look of concern and love on his small face touched this old heart as tears welled in my eyes and it did feel better and it made me smile. I told him that and he smiled brightly. "I really do have magic in my hands." Now, every so often he uses his magic hands to make me feel better.



My daughter smiled as she had some memory of long ago about who knows what, that I had told her as a child. "Mom, why do you tell him he has magic in his hands? He will believe you." We did not realize that he had returned and was listening.



"Because it is true. He has so much love in his heart and his hands that it is magic. When he reaches out to rub my hands and ease my pain ...it is with love and....Love is magic and it works wonders. Love makes the whole person feel better, the pain hurts a little less and the day so much brighter. That is magic. Yes, he has magic hands, he surely does," She had to agree.



I have had so many thoughts of so many things. I have thought about my writing, the things I have written and things I am writing and things I want to write. I think of the paintings I am doing and the sketches and pictures I want to add to the children's books. There are so many things that I want to do and then I am tired.



I want to write all of the things from my heart for each of my loved ones. I want to always be there for them even if it is in a letter. I want to share thoughts and memories from the past and dreams for the future. I need to know that I have a chance for a future. I have to admit that I am filled with stress and apprehension. I wish that I could have the surgery and be on my way to a recovery, then I think of what else might be. I need to put it in the Lord's hands and trust things will work out. I will try. I will be back to write more soon.



I am not afraid to die....Just not today.

As I looked back at posts I made through the years I wanted to share hope that no matter how difficult things may be we can not give up. There is hope and even in the darkest times we can find so many things to be grateful for.

What I found was too much to put in a blog. I had said it was developing into more of a book than a blog and that is so true. There was too much that is too intense to repeat. What I see and feel so much, is a gratitude for the doctors who work so hard and try so hard to help. I have been blessed with doctors that not only a very good at what they do but care about their patients.

My husband has not been so blessed in so many ways. I think we are lucky he lived through much of it. He just went through a surgery to repair some of the damage from when he fell and fractured his skull 2 years ago. When you see someone so mistreated or lack of treatments, it breaks your heart and is so frustrating. The doctor he was finally referred to that did the reconstruction is wonderful. Dr. Woodward did not hesitate to help him and make his life so much easier. A talented doctor who cares about those who come to him in need. It is a shame it took two years before anyone would refer him.

All of that makes me even more grateful for the care and doctors who have done so much for me.

When they told me of a mass under the aorta we did not know how long I would have to live but I am still here. It is not gone but every day really is a blessing.

When they found cancer and I lost much of my left lung we did not know if I would even wake up but I am here and still going. The lung specialist is still taking care of me and looking after me. Dr. Sifford does so much for so many. The man is an amazing doctor but more than that,.....he cares. I met him when we had no insurance and no way to pay for a doctor when we needed one.

He referred me to Pro Med of Jonesboro and Greg Brooks for oxygen. What I got was more than that. All there are caring and supportive people who never fail to help when they can. When you need medical supplies it makes such a difference when they show such dedication to their clients and really care.

I will wait for another day to share the present as I think how thankful I am to be blessed with so many praying and showing support. When I think of the doctors trying and working so hard to give me more tomorrows it warms my heart and gives me hope. When I think of the love and friendship of so many I smile and the tears are no longer filling my eyes are replaced with knowing I am not alone.

Every day is special. I am working my best to do the book I feel inspired to do combining my art and words, thought and feelings, and hope for not only myself but others. This is one of the things I will review for my own life but there are so many others.

 

A New Day

Life seemed to present so many things through these past months that I have been quite overwhelmed. When the time came, I was unsure if I could go on I realized I did not have time to not be able to do and be what was needed right then. There is only today because we never really know what tomorrow will bring.... or if there will be a tomorrow.

When the phone rang a few months back and I heard that my husband had suffered a fall, my heart nearly stopped. I knew he was working on a roof in construction and a fall from that high was serious. What I did not know right then was that he landed on his back on concrete. At first we did not know if he would live at all. I fully understood what difficulties he might face in the future. I managed to share that in a blog I wrote http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2013/03/danny-novel-and-linda-author.html . As hurt as Albert was, his one request was for me to get the book Danny done. At that time all I could think of was Albert but he did not want to give up on our dream with the books and writing.

We have struggled with him trying his best to recover as much as possible but it has been so difficult for him to realize that so much of the damage is permanent and he is lucky to have lived. He is used to being the one that helps others when they need help and taking care of his family.

My mother has been in poor health for many years but this time we could see that there was little strength left to fight for life. Congestive heart failure, diabetes, and many other problems was only part of the problem. Cancer that had spread was more that she would be able to survive.

Day after day seeing her so helpless yet still fighting to live was heart breaking but seeing my father by her side holding her hand left me without words. When you see a love that has lasted more than 60 years holding fast in the worst times and delightfully living life to the fullest with family and friends in the best days so obvious in that simple moment it left me without words but tears that would not be held back. I still cry but am trying my best to do what my mother would want and find a way to make the best of life for not only myself, Albert, children, and grandchildren, but also to be there for my father.

My father gave me my mother's jewelry box as she had urgently requested and a bag he said was special to her that she had locked with their papers in a safety deposit box. It felt like a bag of beads. I waited until I was alone and looked in the bag to see what kind of beads were so precious to her that she had locked them away and kept special.

Oh what memories did flood my soul. They were beads. They were the beaded necklaces I had made through the years many many years ago.

I remembered as a young child we had gone on vacation and got lost. We got very lost and began to feel fearful not knowing what way to go when we saw a sign that made it clear tourist were not welcome. We had arrived on an Indian reservation but continued and hoped to find directions back to where we were trying to travel. We parked the car and Daddy told us to wait there while he went into the store to ask for help. A very old woman sat on the porch to the store making something. She looked up directly into my eyes and I felt compelled to step out and see what she was doing.

She was weaving the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen. It reminded me of lace. She smiled when I said how beautiful it was and told me I could not buy it but if I never forgot the legend of the necklace she would give me one. She patiently explained......

The Legend of the Necklace

The pathways we travel in our lives take many twists and turns. The necklace is not woven of many strands. It is made of a single strand of many twists and turns. The necklace is not worn hanging down low. It fits about the base of the neck to shield and protect the one who wears it with the tips of each point in the pattern points outward to defend. Any point, when tipped inward, forms a perfect heart. The design is formed to bring luck in love to the one who posses and wears it. We all need love in our lives. From the day we are born until the day that we pass to the next life we need love in many forms. This necklace is a symbol of the wish to protect the heart of the one who wears it that they may always feel loved and love others in return.

She told me that she felt in me a special bond and that I would understand what she was telling me and what was felt. She also told me there would be a time I would choose to make the necklaces and I could do as many as I chose spreading the legend of the beads with it. She smiled and I felt such a connection to her as she continued to explain what she had shared with me was something very special to her and all of her people. If I shared the necklace then be sure to share the meaning of it too.

“From the day we are born until the day we pass on, we all need to feel and be loved. May the legend of the necklace bring luck, love, and keep your spirit safe and protected. May it bring you peace and joy” was what she told me.

It is a perfect circle just as life is a circle with many twists and turns.  It is a circle of life and love in every bead.

This is a picture of me wearing the original one.

This is what I found that was so precious to my mother....the simple beads I had made for her so many years before.

Every hour of every day, we did not know if that would be the last time we would have mother with us. When the time arrived …..I will not describe it because it was not an easy passing. It was filled with suffering, pain and her wanting a little longer in this world. My father bravely stood by her side every moment.

I felt a crushing pain in my chest and could not breathe. The moment was so intense I was sure it must be anxiety and stress. I could not be sick. My father and others needed me to be able to handle things. We thought we had the arrangements complete but there was a misunderstanding and when the time came we found out we would be unable to bury my mother.

My father was devastated and I worried I might loose him too. We would have to find a way to raise the money or they would not bury mother. Albert is unable to work and I have been unable to work for many years. We had no way to come up with money. Daddy sat with his head in his hands and softly said, “They won't give your momma back. What are we going to do?”

When he did not see me and sometimes when he did, the tears would not stop. I felt frantic. When times are the darkest if we hold on and do not give up we can find a way. I shared this on the internet and received some donations but so many heartfelt prayers and well wishes that it warmed my heart. I did not know how we would survive this time but no longer felt so alone.

The church worked with me as I arranged a memorial service. Some of my fathers family had driven many miles to be here with him and this would be a special time for not only my mother but also him. Mom was an only child who had 2 children and 2 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. We are not a large family. The church and the people in it were so wonderful preparing us a beautiful meal as well as the service. You felt the warmth of their love and comfort of their care.

We were eventually able to borrow the money. We still have to find a way to survive in many ways but will work one day at a time. I can take a simple breath now and look back to those moments and try to see more than the pain. We had a visitation and service at the graveside. It had been rainy and dreary weather and here in Arkansas it is also hot. The clouds offered a small measure of cooling shade as the rain stopped. We had no idea if it would end or brew up a summer storm. We gathered there in our small little group under the shade of the tent and clouds above for this sad parting to say our last good byes. The service that was done was beautiful and they did all that they could to make it special and as we would want it. At one point the tears were more than I could contain and that feeling in the chest had returned. The last thing I needed to do was have a heart attack right then. I glanced out across the rolling hills and as Amazing Grace started to play the sun shone through the clouds lighting the day in dazzling light. It was so perfectly on cue with the mood and the music it was almost like a sign. I was not the only one to notice. Most of us there, looked out at the beautiful scene before us.

With the sunshine came the sweltering heat and humidity. I drew in a deep breath feeling the strain and the clouds swiftly closed blocking the sun and a gently cool breeze drifted across us. It may be coincidence, but I felt a peace in my heart. I closed my eyes and said good bye to my Momma. I wore the necklace I had made for her so many years ago.

It seems as though life can become a nightmare and if we look at all of the problems that seem to have no answers we miss out on so many little things all around us.

I have had many sleepless nights. As morning neared I wondered if it was still so hot outside so I stepped out on the back deck. I looked over and saw an amazing glow in the trees of bright red. Morning sunrise is normally pastel colors that swiftly turn into the new day and this was blood red.

 Since there are miles of trees around us the thought that red could be something like fire brought a brief feeling of panic as I looked closer realizing it really was the dawn of a new day.

It happened so quickly I would never have caught it if I had not had my phone with me. I take it with me when ever I go outside in case I fall or have a problem and need help.

As quickly as I could take one picture and then another the color changed and the day was before me. It was so very beautiful and I again felt a moment of peace.

SILENCE IN THE NIGHT

Now that I do not feel as if I might not see the daylight each time I lay down to try and sleep, I can admit that I have been very sick.  I have also been fighting depression.  There are times it is so hard for me to be bright and happy and see the beauty all around me, when I felt so sick I could hardly sit up.  When I fought with all the strength I had to keep living it was hard to smile.  I will never be well and understand and accept that... but I am not dead. 

I have always felt we should try our best in every day and every way.  We all have problems, but look at the things we do have and how blessed we are in so many ways.  If we might find what we look for, I need to look for hope and goodness and not dwell on sickness and suffering.  That can be easier said than done, but I am trying.

I wrote the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today... Life Is A Journey sharing so many things and a hope it might help others to never give up.  There are times it helps me to never give up.

There are times that certain dates bring back emotions from things and times past.  There are times, it seems as I get older, that the more people we loose from our lives the more lonely life can become....then...then I see how blind I can be at times.

There has been such an outpouring of love from so many here at home, family, friends and online there are no words to tell about it.

I can look back in time and remember.  I can remember many little things.  I see the old photos and remember the magic of waiting for Santa.  I remember the family, grandparents, parents and many others smiling, laughing and so happy.  I remember hanging ornaments that had hung on my Great Grandmother's trees, gently and with care.

I remember one year I went to see Santa and saw his beard was held on with elastic.  That would take some explaining.

I remember a Christmas when I was a teenager that stands out.  I do not recall what gifts I got that year.  It was cold.  The weather was getting nasty and the roads were getting slick.  Cold and damp,icy winds blew.  Our church had a list of what they called shut ins.  Those are people who for what ever reason, were unable to get out and around.  You may be shut in but should never be forgotten. 

Our youth group had planned to go Christmas Caroling but the weather was so miserable.  We were determined and demanded we try to make it on the icy roads.  One after another we went to the houses with our breath plumbing out in the cold night air.  When you saw the surprise on the faces and smiles all around, it did not feel as cold anymore.

One house seemed almost totally dark.  We knocked and knocked and finally the door slowly opened.  A fragile little old woman stood solemnly looking confused at the group of people before her.  We started to sing and her face crumpled as tears streamed down her face.  I was never shy and became very distressed that we had made her cry.  I ran up the steps and placed my arm gently around her saying I was sorry.  "We did not mean to make you cry.  We want you to be happy."

It took a moment before she could respond in an emotion choked voice.  "But that's why I am crying.  I did not think anyone even remembered I am still alive.  I have lost almost all of my family now as the years passed, and since I can not get around too good.... "

Emotion overtook her and most of our group too.  She stood a little straighter and cleared her throat.  "Please come in.  I never dreamed I would have guests and I have nothing to give.  Please tell me what I can give to you all."

I was relieved she had quit crying because I had joined her with my own tears.  "If we can see you smile and you tell us your favorite song, we would love to visit and sing it for you."

"Silent Night.  I think my favorite Christmas song is Silent Night."  After she had said those words I remembered my grandmother telling me it was her favorite song.  Every Christmas we would sing it together.

We sang many songs and visited before I asked her where she puts her tree.

"I don't have a tree.  There is no one to see it anyway."

When we left her house, that haunted me.  I talked to the other kids and told them she just had to have a tree.  We all went home to get decoration donations and one boy knew they had a small tree they were not using since they got their big new one.

We made it back in record time and what a sight it was, seeing all of us determined to make Christmas come alive.  We had decorations, cookies, candy and even eggnog.  We were too young to realize the pain that can come with age and loss.  We were excited and it seemed contagious as she began to giggle and smile.  She declared it was the most beautiful tree she had ever seen.  I told her she was and would never be alone because there are all of those who love her and she was with them in their hearts.

"That may be true, but most of the people I knew and loved are all gone now."  A sadness seemed to spread over her face.

"They are not really gone...just gone ahead.  Love never dies.  It lives in our hearts."

She told us she would never again forget or hate Christmas and she loved her little tree.

There are times we never realize how much and how blessed we really are.






Holidays can bring happiness and smiles, laughter and cheers but it also can bring memories that leave a tear for one reason or another.

This time of the year I think of our niece and her daughter so often.  A beautiful family gathered and wrapped their presents early and had a few more to go. The mom left for work as dad prepared supper for the three small children. Christmas would soon be there and there was so much love and joy.

Dec 14, 2009, A knock at the door changed their lives.  An accident on the way to work took their mother and wife and our niece.  Her gifts from loved ones sat under the tree.  I will not go into the details of that Christmas.  I will think and remember all of the love and laughter and smiles Teresa gave to us all.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/linda-nance/teresa/231513392504

Dec 23, 2011..... The daughter of Teresa had been challenged through most of her life with juvenile diabetes.  She never gave up and was such an amazing child.  Her determination and confidence were impressive.  She did more than talk about what someday she would be or do.  She did and lived and everyday touched the lives of all who knew Her.  On Dec 23 she left this world.  When you see a young person so filled with life and then..... she is gone.... but she is with us always.  Just as I had told the woman so many years ago..... I could now better understand even my own words.

This is what I wrote then   http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2011/12/letter-to-heaven.html


This is so odd.  As I was writing this, little Mackenzie was leaving this life behind and we had no idea.  http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2011/12/silent-night.html

To all of those loved ones who have gone on ahead we hold you in our hearts with love.  May God grant us the peace and healing to find joy and know there is hope in life.  May we see the smiles and feel the warmth of our loved ones and know how blessed we really are.  May we have eyes that see others to take the time and share a kind word or what ever we can do to make their day a little brighter or their Christmas one to remember.  There may be Silence in the night but may there be peace in the heart.

I Am Back... And The Story Goes On

I am kind of excited as I write this third part in this blog for my birthday.  It is not just because I love to tell about the books even though I do.  It is not just because it is my birthday.  I think it has something to do with the feeling that no matter what there are many things more that I will do in this life.  I want to be able to eventually get well enough to get out and go places and do things.  I want to be able to meet people and feel the sun shine on my face and a gentle breeze on warm days.  I want to see smiles on the faces of my family, friends, and even new people that I might meet.

When I published that first book I told my family, if I managed to survive I was going to one day fill a whole book shelf with the very best books I could write.  They smiled tolerantly and with worried expressions were concerned with living and staying alive from day to day.

It seemed as if I have fought for so many years to stay alive.  Even with the excitement of the book Danny I had the idea for the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life Is A Journey and could not get it out of my mind.  I was not sure what I wanted to write because the idea of writing my own story had never entered my mind.  It was more the opposite.  There are some things in life we may survive but do not always want to focus on and dwell with such intensity as to find words to describe and explain.  We lived it once and do not want to live it again.

Why then did I write the book?  I felt I had to write it and hope it would do more than entertain or tell my story.  I wanted and want it to help others.

When I wrote the other books I wrote and rewrote and edited.  I added or deleted and worked for a long time.  I even went back to school before I finished the first novel to try and learn more to make my writing more than what I had been able to accomplish.  When I wrote this book it was different.  It was very different.  I was not creating a book, I was sharing heart and soul.

There were some things I was unable to remember.  The day of the head on collision I could remember up to when the car was not stopping.  Then nothing.  I could remember hearing voices.... then nothing.  I remember the paramedic asking me if I was on any drugs.  I had never done drugs...no.  He seemed desperate and kept asking.  I thought about prescriptions and mentioned the thyroid.  Then I heard the words bleed out.  He did not know if we would make it in because he thought he had a bleed out.

I had worked in hospitals before and knew what that meant.  Then it dawned on me.  I had and have a lot of pain in my back and arthritis in joints.  I also had an irregular heart beat and family history of blood clots.  After an incident with my heat they wanted me to be on blood thinners.  I had no insurance and could not afford to go regular for visits and blood tests.  BC powders helped with the pain, swelling and the aspirin in them worked as a blood thinner especially since I used quite a bit of aspirin.

Bleed out...aspirin.

I guess since I have been sick for some time again now and felt so fragile, many things and memories have flooded my mind on this day.  This is also the time of year that was so difficult after the cancer surgery.  It may seem odd sharing them here and in books but after that surgery I knew I wanted to write to reach out.  I wanted to have words that did not echo in silence as I sat here alone.  I did not want to live, only to die with hopes and dreams dwindling in the recess of my own mind never to be real.  I want to do more than live... I want to be alive.

Writing I Will Not Give Up was more difficult than any thing I have ever written.  It was not just thinking of those times but finding words for things that had no words.  How do you describe an emotions so intense that just memories of the time brought tears after all of these years?  There were times as I sat here typing that tears ran down my face.

There was one moment that was like a nightmare.  The doctors said they hoped I never remembered all of the accident.  It was my mind's way of protecting me from something so traumatic.  As I was searching for the words the sight and sounds and FEELINGS became so real.  I not only remembered, but it was if it was happening all over again.  As if in slow motion, my face was smashing into the glass and my body twisting and wrenching as it raked my face over the broken shards.

I was determined to be real and tell it.  I wanted to not just tell what happened but what happened inside me and inside my heart and mind.  There were times that I have said you have to learn to laugh or you might cry all the time.  But there were also times I did not want my family to see.  There were times I was so afraid.  There were times I felt so hopeless.  There were times I cried.  As I typed away I cried but I kept typing.

I know this book is not edited properly.  It is not edited at all.  I know the sentence structure is not perfect because some of it is not sentences but feelings and emotions.  I have and do try to create the best books and stories that I can.  That is why it is taking so long on Danny.  As it is being edited I am a bit slow in working and reworking until I am satisfied.  With I Will No Give UP....I did not create a book or write a story.  I did not want to change and edit it to be ....  I wanted it to be real.  I managed to write it but have not been able to go back and reread it myself.  I lived it and now I have shared it but I could not read it.  That is alright because it is not written for me but I hope there is the one or ones who might be able to use it and have hope.  I hope they can share that hope with others and know there is tomorrow.

http://www.amazon.com/Will-Up-Today-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1354304234&sr=1-4

Our children and nieces and nephews had asked me to write some of the stories I had told through the years.  I have done it having fun but do not remember them all so I gathered a few and write the book A Tale To Tell.  There is a ghost in everyone and it is a lot of fun but as with the children's book there is more to the stories than just the fun of the Tale.

http://www.amazon.com/A-Tale-To-Tell-ebook/dp/B007ESJ49Y/ref=la_B004PVDVR4_1_5_title_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1354305509&sr=1-5

The Midnight Hour is one I like involving a young man who feels the pressure to do something he knows is wrong to try to fit in.  Peer pressure can be immense on our young people.  It may be part of growing up but it is evident even as we grow older.  What he finds in the Midnight Hour is more than a ghostly tale in a haunted cemetery.

Each story is different in it's own way in that book and each of my books is different.  The one thing that is the same is my desire to do the very best that I can and to never give up.  I have only just begun.
I just had to show you the books.  When I said I did the covers it is my way to share my art and paintings.  When you hold the paperback copy you also have one of my paintings.

Well, time is passing and the day is too.  I have enjoyed sharing my birthday with you all.  I want to thank you all for the best wishes here, on Facebook, Twitter and the many other places and phone calls today.

Here are so of mine that I want to share that are not connected to the books but carry a wish...

Some day I want to find a way to make a book of photos and paintings mixing the art and the words. 

The first phone call I got, was one that made me smile and warmed my heart.  A young voice cheerfully chimed out "Happy Birthday Mamaw!  I love you."  It was followed by my wonderful daughter.

I am going to have a good time and will be back tomorrow.

Reaching Out... One of more to come

I have thought about this in a dozen different ways.  Reaching out.  When I first published Life Goes On, I desperately wanted to find a way to reach out.  I did want to reach out about my books and the things that I write, but it was, and is so much more than that.  I wanted to be able to reach out and feel alive.  I wanted to find a way, that as I sit here alone, I am not alone.  I know that the good Lord is always with me and will be, from here to the next life, but I hope that walk can wait a while longer.

I wanted to be able to reach out even when I could not get out.  When I could hardly get up I would not be alone.  I did not want to cry out and hear only the echo of my voice knowing it died in silence with no one to hear the thoughts, hopes, dreams and things I wanted to share. 

Internet... computers... modern technology... are things of wonder to me.  There are times it does not take a lot to impress me but I am trying to learn so many new things.  You have to understand that I remember back to when there were party lines and our telephones were mounted on the wall.  You dialed....dittttttt..dittttt...dittttt..dittttttttt...as it went round and round with each number.  After all of that, you realize you dialed one number wrong and you can start over.  Dial ... ditttttttttttttt....dial another number...ditttttttttttt....and another.  Now cell phones are everywhere.  Beep beep beep and send.

Science is amazing.  Technology is amazing and for an old gal like me it is all a lot to learn..... but... it is like a doorway that opens to the whole world.  That is an amazing thought.  The world.  Good, bad, and what ever.... it is all out there.

I hear and read terrible stories about things that happen connected to the internet.  There are stalkers, hackers, thieves, cons and who know what all lurks in the space they call cyber space.  Did I let it in?  Did I open a portal to the unknown with all of the evil and malicious individules out there to come and get me.  I probably did. 

It did more than that though.  It opened a door to the world and all of the people there.  Years ago I got a computer and learned how to use it to write my books.  I got online and met some people but not many and was in a terrible head on collision.  My hands and arms were crushed along with many other injuries.  I was no longer on line.

I had learned some things such as why we have to click on start to stop the computer.  Eventually I was able to resume writing.  I had the novel Journey Home written and wanted it to be more than I had the ability to make it.  I wanted it to be the best that I could make it, so I enrolled and took classes here at ASU.  They were wonderful.  I wrote about that in the book I Will Not Give Up... Not Today...Life Is A Journey.  I went back and rewrote the entire book.

I remember the first time I went to the library there at the college.  It was huge.  It was bigger than any I had ever seen.  I was so impressed and amazed.  I looked and looked but could not find the card files.  You younger people may not have any idea what I am talking about but those who do, might see some humor in all of this.  I had really lived so isolated from the world that I looked for the card files to find books.

When I could find none, and they should have been easy to find....usually a whole wall full of little drawers filled with cards for each of the books, I asked the young librarian.  I think she was younger than my youngest child.  She stood mutely looking at me with one of those looks that tell you she would rather be doing something else and asked, "what is a card file."  She stood looking at me with a condescending look of one who was not sure if I was crazy or just senile.

I was excited about my new class but had so many things I needed to look up.  "If you want to look up a book you go to the card file.  Every library I have ever been in has a whole wall full of drawers with little cards that tell you where to find each book.....a card file....to find books." My back hurt, my foot hurt and I leaned on the counter waiting to find out where the card file was to look up books.

Her expression did not change as she asked, "Look up books?"  She then silently pointed toward a computer on a near by table.

"I need the card file to find the books I want."

Rolling her eyes she responded.  "If you want a book... if you want to find a book... that is where you look it up.  I do not know about any card file.  I have never heard of such a thing.  I don't know what libraries you have been in...but there is how you find a book."

It was a new world and I had so much to learn.  I was taking an advanced class and had not been to school for many years.  I have to say that it was wonderful.  I learned how to find a book but learned so much more.

I learned how to think in a different way and how to improve what I was wanting to do in my writing.  I learned every day and in many ways.

I was not able to walk all the way to the class so I would park and then walk to a bench that was located near the door.  I would rest for awhile and then continue to the class.  While I sat there it was so peaceful with the beautiful layout of the college.  There was even a squirrel that often came to visit and was unafraid of people.

Dozens of students would pass during the class change as I rested there.  Many would smile or utter a friendly greeting.  I did notice that eight out of ten had a cell phone in their hand either talking or texting.  What was so funny to me is that more than once I would overhear a person talking on the phone to someone not far behind or in front of them.  I never could understand why they would rather talk on the phone than walk together or visit.

They were reaching out in ways that I had no idea or experience.  I did not have and had never even used a cell phone.  I would still rather sit and visit a spell.

The library used computers to allow a student to reach out and find any book they want with the click of the mouse, if they knew how to use item and they all seemed to know how.  I learned.

I learned that and so much more.  I knew about typewriters but there were printers.  Spell check was a special treat.  I became a regular in the computer lab.  The people who worked there were so patient and sweet.  They helped and showed me spectacular things....computers.  It was a new world.  I used to go to the book shelf and look through several volumes of encyclopedias to look up something at home and there you could just type and click.

You could reach out and learn so many things but only if you learned how to use the computer.

Trying to reach out and learning so many new things.... it was a new world.  It was a world that the others in the class did not understand.  They all had at least one college degree and were working on advanced studies.  Most were on the deans list and had the confidence that went with it.  I was.... just me.  I wanted to learn. I had promised if I was unable to keep up with the class I would not slow them down.  I understood that I was unprepared for such study but wanted to learn.  I just wanted a chance to learn and was afraid I did not have the years or time left to live to prepare for such a class in the traditional way. 

When I did not understand a term...I looked it up.  I had learned how to use the computers for that and the library.  When I needed to know more about something pertaining to what they were teaching.... I looked it up.  I was reaching out. 

I went through Journey Home, one line at a time and worked to make it the best story I could make it.  I love that book.  I am proud of that book.  I have read some books that I really liked but half way through it, you knew who did it.  You could see the ending coming but it was still a good book.  I wanted a book that carried the reader right there so they could see the scenery, know the people, and feel how they felt.  I wanted a book that carried the reader so they felt how it is to look out a window in the dark and not know who or what was looking in.  When you know in your heart there is someone, somewhere, stalking and out there but have no idea who or why, but deep down inside know your life could depend on finding a way to survive it.  I did not want to tell the story but have the reader feel the story.

http://www.amazon.com/Linda-Nance/e/B004PVDVR4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

My covers for Journey Home, Life Goes On and all of the others are my own art projects and paintings.  I want every book I write to be special from cover to cover.  I am still learning.  I am still trying to be able to make them special.

I am beginning to get tired so I am going to shorten this up.  There are so many things, thoughts and special things that I want to share but I will have to do it a little at a time.  I called this Reaching  Out and that is what I am trying to do.  I am trying to reach out.  I found a new site that help authors with their books.  It sounds fantastic.  They help us to reach out.  When I see one of my books on a site it warms my heart but it does more than that....it lets me know I am not alone.   I can reach out out beyond these walls and the things that hold me back.  I can reach out to a whole world....

My books will soon be included in those here on this site and I will share the news.  Until now.... if you write books... Tell them Linda sent you and have fun.  It is a place you can show what you have and who you are.  It is a place where the readers can find some very special books.....

http://askdavid.com/free-book-promotion

 http://askdavid.com or http://askdavid.com/free-book-promotion

http://askDavid.com

I have so many other things on my mind and that I want to share but it will have to wait.  I do still really get tired.  It is not just tired like when I was healthy and young but very tired and the rest will wait for another day....

I want to thank you each and everyone who shares this link or reads my words.  I want to thank you for helping me to reach out and not be alone.  I want to thank you.