Honest Words In Hard Times

       

   I had said that I wanted to record and tell of things in life and how I felt about those things as they occurred. I am finding that more difficult than I had ever dreamed. When I wrote the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today....Life Is A Journey, I did not so much write it to tell my own story as to try to share the idea that we can not give up. If we give up today there is so much of tomorrow and the rest of life that we miss. We do not have to be dead to be dead to life. Just because we are alive does not mean we are truly living life. When we loose the ability to find the beauty in life, life can have a dim outlook. When we loose the will to stand up and keep going we fall farther and farther down. If we find what we look for in life it can be something beautiful or it can be dark and increasingly hopeless. I guess that goes to the old saying we need to watch what we look for..... we just might find it.

          When I wrote I Will Not Give Up it was the hardest thing I had ever written but I felt compelled to write it. I wrote about things I had never talked about, and remembered things that for years had been beyond my ability to remember. As I wrote, it was like a flash back and I did not just remember it but relived it. I have heard from so many that the book touched their heart and even helped in their own lives. I could not go back and read my own words. I was unable to risk the feeling of reliving things such as the head-on collision and other times that were so difficult. The pages were not written as an author but emotions straight from the heart.

          Now as I try to keep my word and honestly write about life and how things are going with my writing and surviving, I again find it difficult. I would like to tell you that every day I look on the bright side and am able to see hope and bright and shining things but that would be a lie. I have felt almost overwhelmed. There were times I felt so filled with despair there was no one I could talk to. There was no where I could turn. I turned to prayer. I understand there are many who do not want to hear religious discussions but my beliefs and faith are a part of me. I believed that God was there with me but I do not know his plan. Am I to survive? What are the challenges ahead?

          I was also not alone because of the outpouring of support and well wishes and prayers from all of you online. I have said before how much you have touched my heart and how much it has meant but words really do not describe it.

          Then we lost the internet. My husband has always taken care of our family. He could no longer work. He was lucky to be alive. Everyday he faced challenges trying to survive the damages the brain injury has left him to overcome. We had no income but what the church provided in offerings. We had to go the food banks to have food and work applying any and everywhere we could to get help.

          I had no idea how we would pay for things I feel are necessary in addition to food and utilities or gas to go to doctors. How would I pay for the oxygen that is my lifeline? They showed such compassion and have helped to keep me going.

          Month after month I tried to hold on and not give up. My husband had nearly died in March. My mother and father had been very ill. The end of July we lost my mother. As I stood at her side holding onto her in the physical and emotional sense in those last moments, I felt overwhelmed. I felt a terrible pressure in my chest. I could not breathe even with the oxygen. I went down.

          I thought it was my nerves. I thought it was anxiety. In addition to respiratory problems and the loss of most of my left lung to cancer I have severe hypertension and some heart problems. During those months I felt sure the pressure and stress was showing in an anxiety attack. My family tried to get me to go to the hospital but my mother was dieing,, my father would need me, my husband was so hurt from the skull fracture.... I was so sure it was stress.

          I was wrong. It was my heart. I could not give up. My father needed me. My family needed me. Even the funeral became a nightmare. We could not bury my mother until we came up with money. We thought it was all arranged and there were insurance to cover but it had been cashed in long ago. My father had no idea and the stress was immense. He has mild Alzheimers and it made it more difficult.

          I did my best and she had a beautiful service eventually. I felt so tired. I tried my best to keep going. During that time there were so many who posted comments that helped so much. I thought we were through the worst that life could throw at us but life has a way to surprise you.

          I became so weak I could hardly get up. If I took more than a couple of steps I became dizzy and felt so fragile I began to tremble. We had no choice but to go for help. The good Lord does look after me even as stubborn as I can be. I have felt so bad for so long it is often hard to tell when I am in danger. The went in and found I had an 80 percent block on one side and 70 percent on the other. Four stints later I was doing so much better.

          Since that time I began a rehab program for cardio/pulmonary. It helps so much but how could I be strong enough to do it or have the gas to get there? When my left arm fell down I felt so confused and could not make it work. I just wanted to go home. I thought if I rested I would get stronger and all would be fine. I could do it..... but.... I had had a mild stroke.

          I am still working to get it back and making great progress. I am typing this. I may have to do it over and over and it takes longer but I can do it. During all of this there were times it was hard to look on the bright side. There were times it was hard to find hope and beauty in life. I thought of the things I have been working on combining art and words to help share the message of hope. I sat and looked at my own works to find hope in my own life.

          I was hanging on but barely. I read the words you all posted and they inspired me that I was not alone. There were others who cared. The love of my daughter, grandson and husband kept me going. Friends and family shared their love. I could do it. I could live through all of this and find a way to make life worth while.... I hoped I could but was not as sure as I had once been.

          I am finally back online but feel so tired and weak it is difficult for me to be here. I do everything a little at a time. I really miss my momma. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving thanks to my daughter, grandson and her boyfriend. They worked so hard and made such a wonderful meal. My father was there but he looked so lost and fragile. When he first was there I do believe he was ready to go be with Mom. By the time he left, I saw him smiling and talking about the future.

          The little grandson works magic for all of us. He held my father's hand and told him about how he would have to be there for Christmas. Now Daddy is talking about Christmas and smiles. That is the same little grandson that is my co-author. The book we just got out is one I can not promote but am so happy with. I feel it is not only a good story for children but one that may touch grownups too. I wrote a journal type book as we worked to share how we did this. I did not only want to tell a story but teach my grandson how and what it takes to make a story a book. I wanted him to understand why we wrote it as we did and what we were doing as we developed the story. I hope that helps young and older alike to make their dreams come true with the own writing.

          Before I got so sick I was invited to be the guest speaker for the fourth and fifth grade classes at Green County Tech. It was wonderful. The children were so excited and filled with enthusiasm. I hope one day to be able to do a special event and work with some that are interested in writing. So many times the thing that holds us back is the ability to believe and determination to work and work hard learning as much as we can to accomplish our dreams. There are so many things that I want to do. It has been so long since I could be up and about to do the writers group but I will not give up. We still keep in touch on the phone.

          This last round nearly did me in. I was having problems thinking of the future in anyway other than one filled with pain, and a dismal end to life. I could look outside and see a bright day that I could not be a part of. I thought that maybe it was time for me to say enough. I had tried, but living was really hard. I wanted my grandson to hold the book he had worked so hard to write in his hands. It is here now. It is real and so is the book that shares how we did it.

          We let him open the package it arrived in. At first he had no words. He seemed overwhelmed with emotion. I had my husband take pictures of him. 

In a flash he grabbed up the two copies and held them up with a smile that would light the room. 

          I was sitting beside him. It had been a very difficult day for me and I think it showed but he lunged toward me with the books in his hands and we had a special moment I will never forget and even had the picture of the moment.

          After that I had a really bad day. I had not been feeling well at all. The blood pressure is uncontrolled even with medication. I have tried my best but felt so bad. When I finally gave up and went to the hospital they kept me there. I began to wonder if this would be my last. I had the nurse take a picture so if I did get to come home and write this it would be one more piece of life's puzzle. For a brief moment I thought it might be the last picture of me to be had. It was a sad and fearful feeling. 

          I felt so weak and fragile. They did many tests and all of a sudden we were headed to the heart cath lab. They called in specialists and they were so good. They went into my heart and did what they could and I am alive. I have to find ways to make life special and live it, instead of just being alive. I had pressure that had built up in the heart that could have ended all of that. I still am fighting hour to hour the blood pressure that could do it again but I am alive.

          I came home from the hospital in and ice storm. We live out in the country and often loose our electricity. When we loose ours I loose my oxygen. I have a couple of small tanks, but how long will they last. The ice made it impossible to leave the house. There was no way I could walk on the ice or for us to get our vehicle out to go anywhere.

          The night we got home from the hospital we did loose our electricity for awhile but thanks to those who work in the cold and difficult weather they got us going before I ran our of oxygen. The next day I looked out the window to a world of ice. I usually love the beauty as it sparkles like crystal. All I saw was a shroud. It was a shroud of ice. I looked out the window at the trees the ice storms of the past had broken with their twisted limbs reaching up and more ice on the branches. Was it a world of beautiful crystal or a shroud of ice? I guess it is all how you look at it.

          I looked out and thought of all the messages from those online. I thought of the love of family and friends. I thought the my husband, daughter and grandson and knew I had to find a way to see the beauty. I had to find a way to get tough and get up and live. It is not over until we give up.

          My grandson asked how will anyone ever know about our book. I told him not to worry. We did something special and I believe in the story. It is a tale for young and old alike, sharing the story of two young children and the discoveries they make down the path they take. The choices we make have consequences as the two young children discover. What may seem like an adventure and time of fun can often evolve into something more sinister or frightening. Discovering the right path and surviving to come safely home is something the children almost loose hope of finding. A story of the faith of a child and courage to stand by what they believe.

I told him it is there and it is real. Even if only one person reads it and it touches them we did good.

          I looked out again at the ice on the trees and knowing how cold it is outside. I saw it sparkle in the sunlight. I saw the beauty again. I did not give up. I may have come close but there is more for me to do in this life. I have no idea what the future holds and am working with all my might to hang on and improve. There are so many more things I want to do. Even on the coldest days the love of family and friends here and online make a warm place in my heart.

Before I go I want to share some of the art projects I have been doing with art and words.  I have used my own water color paintings and photos to combine feelings, sight and heart

 

LOOKING BACK

LOOKING BACK

Many years ago we went on a family vacation.  One of the things I enjoyed was riding on as real old time steam engine.  There is a place in northern Ark where you can ride the train that is now used to give tourist the opportunity to experience the sights, sounds, and feelings from the past and occasionally they use it making movies.

My parents had given me a camera and explained to only take special pictures and make each one the best that you can.  I understand now it is to help prevent me from taking every and any picture I could click and later they pay to develop pictures of floors and other strange things.

The years had passed, but I still had the little camera and used it to take many memorable pictures for me and my family.  This trip was filled with wonderful moments shared with not only my children but parents and Grandfather.  He was an amazing man of heart, soul, and a gift of sharing with others.  Riding on an old fashioned steam engine train brought back memories for him and he began to share the tales from the past.  They had a man who told interesting facts about many things including the train.  The shock and amazement on his face would have made a fantastic picture but I was shocked at the same time.

The seats were all facing the front of the train.  My Grandfather slid his hand down touching the ornate bracket on the seat, asked me to sand for a moment and like magic the seat back rotated to face the opposite direction.  I thought he had broken the antique seat as ……did the tour narrator judging by the expression on his face.

Grandpa laughed and explained that many of the runs went from town to town and back in those days.  They did not want to try to turn every car around for the return trip and the people would not want to all ride facing backwards.  The hinged seats were the answer.  He went on to explain about many things he remembered as a very young child.  Everyone in the passenger car listened and was smiling as he shared the memories of the past.  You could almost see the little boy who had gone with his father who was the conductor. 

It was a day filled with wonder and shared memories.  Of all the pictures there is one that I would like to share.  At one point I went to the back of the train and stood on the little area at the back of the caboose.  I took my picture as the track faded into the distance.  I could almost hear and feel the time fade into the past and heard the echoes of the stories I had heard from my grandfather and great-grandfather.

Now as I grow older I have found myself often viewing times past in life.  At family reunions as a child I would often hear the OLD” folks say….”I remember when…” and “Back in my day we…” and so on.  Now when I go to gatherings and sit back and listen…we the children of the past are saying….”I remember when….and  Back in my day….”  I have to smile.

 In my heart I still keep a spot for that child that took such delight in the intricate beauty of a delicate blossom of a wild flower or the fluttering beauty of a butterfly.  I still like to play with playdoh and only wish I could run, walk go out and about and enjoy the beauty and wonder that surrounds us in nature.

I am not done.  I may be getting older but I am not yet old….(Except on some days when it seems almost to difficult to go on)  There are also those days.  I have often talked about not giving up and that we should keep trying.  I fully believe all of those things and more but there are also times that are so hard, and painful, and filled with emotions that seem dark and filled with despair. 

At those times I tend to look back at many things.  I look back to when I could walk and run and play all day.  I can remember but not quite feel the excitement at being alive….  They I remember special people in my life and good times that seemed so magic.  Memory can be a double edged sword because so many of those I loved are gone from me now.  So many I trusted, betrayed and some that I tried to help, took advantage.  Hopes and dreams that seemed so bright faded with time or evolved from dreams into nightmares. 

That is a dark place emotionally to be.  If I stayed there long I would not be long for this world.  I really believe that what is in our minds and hearts greatly affects our health.  We have to be alive in our hearts and souls to be alive in our lives.  More than our physical mortality is a living death of life with no purpose.  I ask why am I still here?  What am I supposed to do?  What good am I to anyone?  There are times I am so sure I am nothing but a burden to all around me.  I feel more tolerated than loved and wonder if life is really worth working so hard to continue.  The day I decide to go on in the next life, all I have to do is quit working and trying so hard to go on.  What good am I to anyone?

Well….I do not have all of the answers.  I can say things that I think and feel and hope that in someway it might help another to know they are not alone.  If it even helps one person…then I did have a purpose.  I do not share these things here to make myself feel better.  Some say that writing helps to work out our problems.  I love to write and would no matter what but posting them for the world is no help for me….it is my way to share…me.  If I can share things that might touch another or even for a moment help them to think or feel better it is worth it.

 Life can be so busy we forget to take the time to really look.  Do we really look around us?  No matter what is going on, there is beauty all around us.  We can marvel at the beauty of a sunrise or blazing sunset that paints the sky.  We can appreciate the delicate beauty of a flower or butterfly.  We can take the time to see the excitement in a young child, or the magical affects of their smiles, laughter or loving touch of their hand in yours.

Life can be so difficult and painful but it is also a gift.  What we do with that is our choice.  I want to be able to reach out to others and hopefully make a positive difference.  I want to have a voice and know I do not sit here alone in silence.  I want to live and be alive every day of my life.  I would like to see others take heart, hope and not give up.  Believe.  We have to believe.

In the things that I have published and will publish I am trying to share.  I want to write the best stories possible to allow the reader to sit back and see, feel and be there.  I want each and every story to be one they will enjoy and remember.  Accomplishing the feat of making my simple words into books is sharing my dream.  It is a dream you can hold in your hand and share with a friend.  It is a dream to see the cover and enjoy all that is between front and back. 

Each of my covers is also something I share.  The first is from a photo I took over 20 years ago.  The second is one of my paintings.  The children’s book is pastels and charcoal in all of the illustrations and cover that I did.  The one I am doing next I will have to see what I can come up with.  I hope you enjoy these things I share and also that it might touch you in some way.  I pray it might make a difference. 

I will not give up…not today.  I do believe….in many things.  I hope you have a wonderful day filled with smiles, laughter, and dreams that can come true….and pass it on to others.

I hope you stop by and see the books and information at Amazon or the many other sites.  You can ask at any bookstore too.

http://www.amazon.com/Linda-Nance/e/B004PVDVR4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326982811&sr=1-1

  If you get time to stop by the fan page I set up I shared many things there and would love to hear your comments. 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Linda-Nance-Fan-Page/162224753802546

THE JOURNEY HOME WAITS FOR SOME SPECIAL THOUGHTS…BUT IT IS STILL MY JOURNEY…I WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND HOME…If there is such a place for me.

I have said that this blog is a little of this and a little of that and a lot of me.  On a recent interview with Dellani Oaks I was asked about my blog.  Do I think it is better to separate the writer from the writing?  I think that each and every person is unique and different in their own way.  I think it would be wonderful and so much easier if I could do just that.  For some people it works beau

tifully.  I can not. 

To accomplish my dream of these books that are, and the ones that are soon to be….it has taken a lifetime worth of living and seeing life to be able to try to find words to create the characters, stories, people and places in them.  I wanted each and every book that I write to be more than just a story well told.  I want every book to be one that the reader can become a part of and feel with and remember.  The blog is not to promote the books or it would be filled with discussion about writing them, and publishing them and marketing them and other things about them.  I do post the reviews and am very proud of those.  Someone took the time to write something special about something that I wrote and share it.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

My books are a part of me.  They are my way of reaching out and creating.  They are my voice.   They are a reminder of the past…painful and depressing as well as wonderful and exciting.  All things we see, hear, think and feel, live and love become a part of us in one way or another.  For good or bad…if we survive we grow.  Hopefully we grow in a good way that makes us stronger but there are times that I wonder. 

They say that time heals all wounds but they lie.  I have wounds that never heal.  I have wounds of the heart that may have scarred over but they are there, none the less.  People may tell you…. to get over it…but then it is not them that had to do the getting over, is it?  If you repeat history and pick at that old scar you may find more underneath than you expect.  I am getting old now and have poor health.  I do not have the time left in life to look on the bright side and hope for the best.  I would like to.  I try to.  I am often thought of as a fool for even trying to believe in good and honest and trustworthy.  That is all right, because it is usually the very same people that will lie and betray, hurt and destroy, and prove in their lives how little trust you can place in them before you are a fool to love or believe.

All of this sounds a little harsh when you put feelings into words, life can be harsh.  Life can be hard.  What we do with the blessed gift of life is up to us.  I could have given up and just died.  It is not hard at all.  All I have to do is quit trying and working to live.  Things have been that bad for me.  I did not want to do that for many reasons.  I do have some family that loves me and I love them.  I do have hopes and dreams.  I have more.  The story of Journey Home is more than a story.  I believe that God does have a purpose for me.  He has a purpose for each and every one of us.  I believe it is my responsibility to try my best in life and no matter what others do I will have to do my best.  I will not give up…I will not give in…Not Today!  If  I say that everyday, then everyday I will have a tomorrow until the good Lord calls me home.

Now I know that some people do not believe in God.  They think I am stupid and deluded or brainwashed into the beliefs I have.  I understand your skepticism.  I understand your doubt.  I am not even going to try to persuade you to think otherwise because you are not listening.  My beliefs are mine.  You see things as you want to see them, but I wish you well.  I hope that life shows you wonderful and happy things.

Here I go…The last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about religion or politics.  If I want to tell you about my books and reach out so that others might even take notice ….the last thing I need is depressing or controversial….but……

That brings us back to the subject of the blog about only the books or mine that is…me.  I may not want to talk about religion, debate religion or discuss religion, but if I am honest it is a part of my very soul so much there is no way I could avoid it.

I believe no matter how hard life is…we can make it….but I could never have done it alone.  I have been very alone many times.  I have been very isolated many times and even in situations that were abusive and controlling.  I do understand that part of life too.  I understand it too well and remember.  When you get a reminder that old scar falls away and leaves not only the new problems but the old with it.  How can I survive?  How can I deal with life’s problems?  I do not know.  I hope with God’s help because I have no more answers.  Am I giving up?  Never….Not Today.

When I thought I was alone and I had no one I could talk to because I did not want to worry them or start any thing….you would not believe the outpouring of love, support and encouragement from friends on line and they only knew the surgery and cancer part of the story….but they cared.  They made a difference.  I wish they really knew how much.

I can not run a marathon.  I can not hold a job.  I can not get disability because I could…I am not going to give up.  I have two novels, two ebooks and the children’s book that I wrote and illustrated.  I have more.  I have so much more.  I am going to share many things here.  I want to share stories, poems, pictures, thoughts, feelings and more.  I hope you come with me.  I hope that you understand.  I hope you share my journey.

I will be back to the ongoing blog I swore I could write about the Journey to Journey Home.  I might later regret being so honest with things in life but then again life is what is it.  If you do not want the world to know about it, do not do it, and do not do it to someone you say you love…..especially if she has a blog.