I Am Back
These past
few months I have been off the internet have seemed like a lifetime.
I have heard people say that people on the internet are not real or
at least not real friends but I have to differ. There is no way to
describe how wonderful so many have been. I started all of this in
2010 and the people I have met then and now are friends. I may have
never seen you in person or heard your voice but you have touched my
heart. Several of those I have become friends with on the internet
have begun to communicate by phone. For sometime now that was the
only way you could reach me.
I had said I
was going to write about all of this honestly as I went along. It
started with me wanting to see at least one of the things I had
written as a book that I could hold in my hand. They had told me I
had cancer and with all of the other problems we were all very unsure
if I would even wake up from the surgery let alone what the future
would bring.
I shared
honestly and from the heart. I remember the days before the surgery
thinking I may never be able to see and be with those I loved in this
life again. I felt so many emotions. I felt fear and even some
emotions there are no words to describe but I tried.
I got to hold
the proof for Life Goes On days before the surgery. When I woke from
the surgery there was no thought about books. The pain was unreal.
Nothing stopped the pain. Even morphine did not seem to work. I had
to survive. That was all I was doing for sometime.
CreateSpace
had worked with me doing the first novel. The patience and support
they showed was amazing. You have to realize that my oxygen levels
were very low. At one point they were not even able to do the
surgery that could save my life. They said my lung capacity was so
low I would not survive and if I did it would be on life support. I
was doing treatments and working as hard as I could but there was no
way I could have done the book without all of their help.
I knew so
little about computers and the internet I had to learn everything and
had no time to do it. Even uploading the files was difficult.
There were
times they worked with me on the phone talking me through it and even
then we often had to wait and try again later as I became more and
more unable to function.
After the
surgery for sometime I was simply surviving and living in a haze of
pain. I still did not know how long I would have to live and if the
cancer would come back. I decided I would not wait in life. If I
was alive, I wanted to truly live my life. If there were things that
I wanted to do I was driven to do my best to keep going.
I worked to
learn as many things as I could. We had no money for me to do books.
It was not that I had a minimal budget but I had no way to pay for
things I so desperately needed. I had to be the writer, artist for
the covers, figure out how to make a painting into a book cover and
send it to be published and make it work.
Since I had
not even known how to copy and paste there was so much to learn. I
had to be my own editor and I do not recommend that but have had no
choice. There are so many things we miss when it is our own writing.
Reading it closely was difficult since I had not only written it but
read it and rewrote and re-read it so many times I often caught
myself skimming through but did my best.
There is
another thing that make is difficult for me when writing I have never
really talked about before. I am dyslexic. When I say I often
scramble and turn numbers and letters around that it an
understatement. Even writing down a simple phone number is a chore
for me.
When I was
young they did not really understand that and in schools just thought
you were dumb. I did not think I would ever learn to read. Now I
love to read and have my own little methods to make things easier.
One thing when writing I have learned to love is spell check. It
catches every time I scramble letters in words.
As the years
have gone by and after the accident I was in, my hands have arthritis
and my little finger on the left hand is no longer usable. It is
actually drawing up and stiff. Not long ago I had a mild stroke and
lost the use of my left hand. I was going to keep trying to type
with the right hand but decided I will make it work again.
I have to
type and retype but it is working beautifully. I hope to one day
have it back like before. I get tired so easily I am also limited on
time to do things.
After the
cancer surgery and the removal of the lung I worked with a passion to
not give up. I wanted to share that thought because no matter how
hard things may be there are so many others out there suffering their
own problems that are just as bad if not worse. I had so much to
learn but there were so many online who helped and were so patiently
teaching me. I wanted to share that with others.
I won't say
that everything online was wonderful. There were some people who were
very mean to others. If they got mean with me I just did not
continue to talk to them. I sort of thought of it in a weird way.
If this was my last day alive how important would their opinions or
words be to me?
I had some so
called experts demanding I do promotions and things their way because
there were experts. Some of it was great and somethings I just had
to do my way. I was learning as I went. I saw so many who were
giving up on their dreams because they thought there was no hope for
them. Every other author they talked to was a best seller and they
did not know what to do or how to go. When I found something that
worked I tried to share the information.
Three days a
week I have to go to cardio/pulmonary rehab. It is through St.
Bernards Hospital here in Jonesboro, Ar. and they have been
fantastic. It is a lot of work but so worth it for recovering and
maintaining.
When I was in
the hospital with the last problem, I got to meet many doctors.
They checked me from top to bottom. They were conscientious and
caring. I had excellent care from all of the staff. There is only
so much they can do.
At one point
we all had a nice little talk. I have severe back pain and at times
my legs quit working. I have suffered several falls lately. The good
news is that I do not have any spinal fractures or ruptures in the
vertebrae.
The bad news
was that I am worn out. I had to laugh at the young doctor as he so
seriously told me that , and replied that may be because I am an old
lady.
He remained
very serious and tried to make sure I really understood. I have a
degenerative bone disease. I understand more than most how serious
it is and will become. Years ago when they first told me I cried. I
was afraid and began to feel depression set in thinking of the
future. I had seen my grandmother go from happy and always doing
something to bedfast and in constant pain. She would cook so many
wonderful things from scratch and sing songs with me. One day in the
nursing home she had to live in as she had become totally a prisoner
in her own body she turned her head and it cut the spinal cord when
the bones gave way.
I had
understood what could be for many years but what they were telling me
is that is not something that may be in the future but is now. That
is why there is so much pain in the back, knees, shoulders, hands and
almost every part of my body.
You would
think they could give me some really good pain medicine to help, but
if they do, it will reduce the respiratory and that could be very
dangerous for me. If the pain is too intense the blood pressure goes
way up. I don't think they know what to do for me. I was and sort
of am beginning to think I don't know either.
After the
lung removal I threw myself into my writing, books and even started a
writers group to help others with their projects.
This past 7
or 8 months was almost enough to extinguish the passion and dim the
hope.
I nearly lost
my husband when he fell onto concrete fracturing his skull and
suffering brain bleeds. The damage he sustained destroyed life as he
had known it. He has always worked and took care of his family. Now
he is unable to work and life as he knew it will never be. He is
having to adjust and survive.
My father had
blood clots that were life threatening but survived. My mother had
health issues so severe you never knew one day to the next what the
future would hold.
The end of
July we lost my mother. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving in
my life without her.
I was with
her at the end. In those moments I felt a crushing weight in and on
my chest. I could not breath. I went down.
My family
tried to get me to go to the hospital but I was so grief stricken I
felt sure my problems were anxiety and stress.
I was wrong.
It was my heart.
I will skip
the details. There is no need to try to find words. I will move on
along to when I did finally go for help. They did many tests and
found out I had a blockage of 70 percent on one side and 80 on the
other. I was lucky I lived. With 4 stints put in I began to do much
better.
I went to the
rehab as soon as I was strong enough. I could not believe how much
better I was doing and what a difference it made.
One day not
long ago my hand fell down off the handle of the machine. I felt so
confused and as hard as I strained it would not go back up. It was
numb. They tried to get me to go to the hospital but I explained
that I fell the day before and hurt that shoulder as well as all of
the rest of me. I am old enough I do not bounce well. I just wanted
to get home and rest. I was sure I would be better if I could only
rest a bit.
It was not
long before we knew I was not better and something was terribly
wrong. As I told before there was more than just a small stroke I
will have to deal with and endure.
I know I will
have to work but I am not dead yet. I was able to get the two
projects I had started with my grandson ready and he is so excited.
He little face lights up when we talk about the books. I showed him
on the computer what it would look like. I even showed him the
Amazon page. That is not like holding the book in your hands. Month
after month we worked and planned, discussed and learned.
Yesterday my
husband told him it would not be long before the book was here. He
just gave him a look and said “really?”
When he
realized Albert was serious I can not describe the look on his face.
He is so excited. I can hardly wait to see his face when the book
arrives. We are going to wait for him to get home from school so he
can open it. I just hope I will be able to get a picture of his face
when he does.
One day at a
time....
When I wrote
my own story I called it I Will Not Give Up....Not Today....Life Is A
Journey.
I did not
give up before....did not give up today and the journey is not over.
