Patterns in Life
We got ready early in the morning to go to the cardio/pulmonary rehab and it was so cold.
I had had the blues and missed my mother. I missed my grandparents and so many others who have passed from this life. Family and friends are now gone. The holidays are near and my daughter and grandson are trying so hard to make a wonderful and happy time for us all. Her boyfriend makes us feel ever so welcome and they work together trying to make it all so special....yet I had the blues. I know they are missing mom and also worried about us but they work to make happy times to come.
All during these difficulties my daughter came every day. She ran and fetched for us. We had no way to even get groceries or medicines. She gave all she had to give and did all she could to help as well as take care of her family and child.
I am so grateful and it warms my heart seeing all of the love she shares with us. The little grandson makes me smile and the dreariest days seem bright.
But I still had cried off and on for days.
I risk falling when ever I try to go somewhere so even getting out to the vehicle is a challenge. The cold makes the aches and pains worse but the therapy makes them better..... so I was going to do my best.
Albert takes me three times a week and patiently waits without complaint. All of that and I had begun to feel as if it was no use. No matter how hard I work I will never get well. I will never be able to go for a walk or hike in the woods with my grandson seeing all of the beauty there, as I did with my children. I will never be able to go camping and sit peacefully by the campfire.
I could go on listing all of the things I will never be able to do and dreading all of the things yet to come....
When I got in the pickup truck it was so cold the windows were iced over. We would have to wait for a few moments and let the heat from the defroster melt it away while Albert switched out my oxygen bottle.
As these feelings washed over me, the sun broke through the gray cloudy sky. The ice on the windshield sparkled like diamonds. The delicate lacy patterns shimmered on the glass. It was so beautiful. It was icy and it was cold but it was delicate, intricate and sparkling and bright.
Staring at that cold and frozen windshield I began to feel a bit of peace. I thought of the things I write and say and realize there are times I need to read them myself and remember to watch what we look for. If we look for the misery and pain in life, it is not hard to find but is that what do we really want to find? There are those who hurt us and take advantage of us. There are those who are cruel or bully.
There is beauty. There is love and kindness. There are also those who do not forget us. There are those who do all they can to help us and keep us in their thoughts and prayers. There is sunshine behind the clouds and beauty if we look for it even in a frozen windshield. There is hope for tomorrow.
I am not dead yet..... I have so much more life to live and want to do the best that I can. I will not say that I never feel despair, fear, heartbreak, anger, frustration and depression. But I will not let those fleeting feelings dictate to me. I will find a way to see the patterns in life that lead to hope and joy.
Life can be so cold and harsh just as the ice that froze on the glass. Life can also hold untold beauty and surprises for the days ahead. If we give up today we miss all of the tomorrows.
I Will Not Give Up Today....Life is a journey and there is so much more I have to do.
To all who miss loved ones during these holiday seasons, know that love never dies. Love that lives in the heart lives forever. Instead of thinking about all that I have lost I want to think of all that I have. I want to think of ways to make good memories for those I love instead of grieving and stealing the joy of the moment.
I want to look for the patterns in life that give beauty and joy.