Yesterday was wonderful as my daughter and grandson came a day early to surprise me for my birthday with a fantastic cake they made together. We enjoyed the day and it left me with a smile. I mentioned that my hair was really thinning from the chemo treatments.
Last night my scalp seemed to itch and burn a bit all night long. I tossed and turned and when morning came felt something very odd. I seemed to have my hair standing on top of my head in a lump. I started to brush it out and it came out and kept coming out. Most of it had fallen out and was tangled with the few strands left.
It is an odd feeling even though they told me this would happen. Since I was a teenager my hair has been long. It has been very long.
I got it cut when I started with the cancer treatments knowing it would eventually fall out.
That was a bit of a shock but as the days went by I saw my hairbrush filled with hair and in the last few days I could run my fingers through my hair and have a hand full of hair. At one point I cried. That seems silly, knowing this would come but it was an odd feeling to live it instead of say it. I thought about it and think of it this way. If the treatments are doing this to my hair they must be doing something to the cancer. It is not a sign of things ending but things beginning to offer me a chance at life.
In the last few days I have looked out the window and see the leaves that were once vibrant green turn to golden colors and now rain down brown and forgotten for this year leaving the trees bare and almost dead looking silhouetted against the sky. I sort of felt like that. I had once been filled with life and now struggle to stay alive. There have been times I felt more dead than alive. The days have been dreary and filled with rain as in my heart I have felt tears like the rain drops outside. The rain brings water to sprout new life in the Spring. The tears today quickly form to make a determination for life to come. It will be Spring this time next year before I am though with the treatments and it will be time for flowers and new life.
I feel bad I have been unable to get the book of Art, Words, and Inspirations done before Christmas. I thought it would be such a beautiful gift to not only give a book but the hope for the future to see beauty and life. Now I accept I am limited on the time and things I can do. This is taking me so long to do but I want to share the feeling, ideas and hope.
I feel more peaceful now than frustrated with the book knowing what I want to create is something to share any day any time and its time will come. Right now I think of all the love and care others have shared with me. I see the internet and even as I sit here inside, the world has kept me company. You all have reached out and touched my heart. One friend fixed a meal you would not believe with enough I had a variety for days after my other chemo treatment. Family and friends have been so loving and caring. How can I stay sad for long?
Tomorrow I go for another round of chemo and I know know how very sick I become. At one point I really feared I would not see another day and felt so desperately ill I did not mind except I do not want to leave those I love and do feel I have so much more to do in life.
Every day is special and this birthday is one I will remember.....a new day....new hope....and time to fight to live for all of the tomorrows.