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Monday, March 3, 2014

All The Books Around The World.. ..A journey In Writing...Part One

      

     Many people have asked about my books and writing of the books and stories. I promised to do a blog with all of them and it has taken some time to do what I really wanted to do. I wanted to share not only the books, but the links where they can be found. There are many other places to find the books and they can even be ordered from your favorite books stores. When I began writing and first got online with the internet I felt it was my way to reach out beyond where I am. I wanted to be able to not just fade away but to feel alive. When I published the first book I did not know if there would be a chance for any future when they told me how critical the cancer was. Every heart beat brought me close to being inoperable. I was not strong enough or have enough lung capacity to survive the surgery. I worked with treatments until they could do the surgery. I had two novels I had written but had to decide what one I would choose to publish knowing it may be the only chance I would have.

I loved Journey Home. It is a novel and a story I think you will not soon forget. I also love Life Goes On. When I first got the idea to write this story I wanted to share something others could relate to. I wanted to write it to feel so real you would know the people, share their pain, and gain an insight to some of the problems and issues others might have with economics, home, family, children, teenagers, and the dangers of the choices we make in life with consequences that may be far reaching. I wanted it to be a story that would take the reader with them all into the story and life.

There is a new reality television show here sharing the life in a rural area of Hard, Arkansas. Life Goes On takes you into the life this family works to build as the relocate from north to south and city to country with children who do not want to go. None of them dreamed they would go from a life of stability with a good job, beautiful home, safe schools, friends and neighbors to unemployed and life cascading out of control. The loss of job results in a loss of home and moving to a rough neighborhood and a life they had never really understood. You can read the story and feel the people. You can experience the life as they learn to adapt. Many people love the reality shows. This is a work of fiction but has the feel of real life and real people in a place many call home.

Children are survivors and adapt to environment. The environment was not one that any parent would choose, but also not one they could avoid. When they could not pay rent there they were facing a future of being homeless or taking the offer of help from a relative and relocation.

We may pass people who are homeless and often look away. We never really see them or think of who they are or were, and where they came from to arrive in such circumstances. People who have worked for years at the jobs and building their lives suddenly find themselves in situations loosing their homes and struggling to survive. What if there was no place to go? What if there was no one to help? This family had few choices left and a long way to go in miles and transitions.
Each person would have changes, challenges and problems with choices that could affect not only them but their whole family and those they love. They would have to live with the consequences and find a way to go on ….. as Life Goes On.

When I was looking for the links to my book, I wanted to share the links to all of the countries it may be found. I have compiled a list of the Amazon sites.

Before that I want to also explain that every one of my book covers is one of my pieces of art. Many are my paintings and some a from my photos worked to be special for the book or art from pastels. Life Goes On is one of my photos we took many years ago as we traveled from St. Louis, Missouri to Arkansas. The sky was ablaze with color and it took my breath away. It was that special time of evening just before darkness. When I saw the headlights of the cars, the thought occurred to me wondering about those who traveled that evening. They each had their own stories, places to go and pasts they left behind. I knew that was right for this story. Life Goes On.

This is a list of the countries I will provide links for through Amazon.....

US United States            UK United Kingdom            IN India
DE Germany                  FR France                         ES Spain
IT Italy                           JP Japan                           BR Brazil
CA Canada                    CN China                          MX Mexico
AU Austrailia


I have author pages in the US at http://www.amazon.com/Linda-Nance/e/B004PVDVR4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1 and the UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Linda-Nance/e/B004PVDVR4/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1393520462&sr=1-2-ent
There are many other place I often go and have sites such a linkedin, goodreads, twitter and many others. For today I will share the Amazon links to all of the books and all of the countries I could find.

This is the original picture I use for the cover of Journey Home and the final cover for the book.




When I wanted to reach around the world I truly felt as if I was seeing my books in all of these places


LIFE GOES ON

256 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1453780138 (CreateSpace-Assigned)
ISBN-10: 1453780130
BISAC: Fiction / General

LIFE GOES ON The Family of five found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from their apartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation they accepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live and new start in life. They had no choices except seeing their family homeless in a rough part of the city. It was not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experienced moments that would test their sense of humor and times that would test their strength of character. There were some difficult issues they would have to face and how they responded could have life altering consequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each person learned in their own way. This is a story of people and a place they would work to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumph and times of despair. It is a story that speaks to many of us in different ways as the characters struggle with life. They had weathered the difficult transition of the relocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for them all. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.










AMAZON PAPERBACK http://www.amazon.in/Life-Goes-Linda-Nance/dp/1453780130/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393523882&sr=8-1&keywords=LINDA+NANCE

DE KINDLE https://www.amazon.de/dp/B004XJ6U26








JP KINDLE https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B004XJ6U26


AMAZON PAPERBACK



AMAZON PAPERBACK

AMAZON PAPERBACK



The more I get into this, the more I feel the excitement. With every book and story I wrote, I wanted it to be more than just a story to entertain. I wanted it to feel real and let you get to know the people and be able to see the places. As I worked to find all of the links for the books I really did get the feeling or reaching out beyond these walls as I sit here typing.
I love this book. It is the first novel I ever wrote but one that will always have a special place in my heart. Many people have asked me how long it took me to write it. I have no real answer except that life got in the way. I did not give up on it and worked for many years before it became what it is today.



How would you feel if you believed and knew someone was watching, following, even stalking you and no one took it seriously? Lara relocated thinking she would leave her problems behind. She met new people, made new friends and saw some from her past when she went back to what she thought of as her childhood home. She had to stay for nine months but found those nine months could be a life time or and end to life depending on finding the truth and realizing who she could trust.

What it you looked out your window as darkness approached and instead of enjoying the view, you wondered who and what might be looking in? These were just some of the problems this young woman would face. Her new friends seemed too good to be true but she could not stop the feelings she began to experience for the man who might have the most to gain if she failed to stay or anything happened to her.

Knowing who to trust could be an impossible thing but being alone could be disastrous. The problems she was having were more than an infatuation that developed into stalking. Life and death could be the result for her and anyone close to her. Were the feelings she could not control for Alan real, or would they be what destroyed her? Were her new friends too good to be true or a blessing and her only hope?

Home is more than a place you live or an address where you receive mail. Home is a place in the heart. For this woman to find her way on her Journey Home to find a Home of heart she would have to survive. She would have to survive the Journey Home and find a way to live life.

I had the story, but I needed a cover. I thought of so many things I could try to use. I still hardly knew how to use a computer and the frustration trying to learn so many new things was almost more than I could survive.
Many years ago I did a painting for my father-in-law. I did not have fancy art supplies. I had used a simple piece of typing paper and a 99 cent tray of children's watercolor paints. I got a piece of paper towel and some brushes and tried to capture the sky and the place. All of these years later he is gone from us now but the painting and memories are still alive in our hearts. I knew that was what I wanted for the cover of Journey Home. We each have paths in life we travel and this painting was a path in a place so like the book describes. It may be a path Lara would have walked. I may be a path I would love to walk. It was the path that would take the story Journey Home forward to becoming a book I could hold in my hands.

This is the original painting.



Here are some of the places Journey Home has traveled....

JOURNEY HOME

480 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1456507213 (CreateSpace-Assigned)
ISBN-10: 1456507214
BISAC: Fiction / General

Contemporary family-oriented story with suspense.
Journey Home Lara Stanley’s life is about to drastically change as she embarks on her journey home after the death of her uncle. Join in the journey with mystery, romance, drama and a story to remember. Have you ever wondered as darkness falls and you look out the window, if there is someone or something looking in? A story that takes you with a woman on a journey to find her way in life. Home is more than a place, but it can also be filled with questions and even danger. Finding the truth might be all that saves her.
Journey Home

Even from the grave, love comes to make sure the Journey Home is safe and fulfilling—excellent suspense keeps pages turning ‘til the end- GABixlerReviews

Linda Nance awakens the reader’s understanding of what greed, hate, revenge and deceit really mean. –Fran Lewis




















AMAZON PAPERBACK



AMAZON PAPERBACK

AMAZON PAPERBACK




That brings me to The Pumpkin Field. This is one book that will always be dear to our hearts with a long history even before it became a book. When our boys were young they came home from school telling how much they hated poetry. I explained that a poem is many things. A poem could actually tell a story. They laughed and made young boy faces saying “Yuck, it would be a love story.”

I decided to write a poem about a haunted pumpkin field. Most children and many adults love a ghost or haunted story. I wanted it to be more than a poem and more than a story. I wanted it to be something we could use to explore thoughts, dreams, fears, hopes, and more. I wanted it to be something that could generate enough interest they might begin to explore their own thoughts and creativity.

For many years that is what it was. It was a little poem with a big reach. If a child was afraid of the dark the first part was something I could use to help them understand that night is not bad.....it is a different kind of light. With teenagers and older people they could find and see more. They could and did relate it to life as we find darkness and shadows in life and we have to find a way to find our way. What lies in the darkness and shadows?



My witch does not eat people or hurt people. She is old, ugly and dresses strange. She is different and scary. That does not always mean that different is bad. What we see on the outside is not always what is on the inside or real of the person we see. There are many forms of prejudice and most come from what is different or we do not understand. If we could overcome our fears and look beyond appearances we could come to a much deeper understanding and also discover some amazing people we might have feared or disregarded. I tired to write the entire story in a way that people of all ages could relate to and children would love.



The local schools began to use the poem in their classes at Halloween time of the year and I even did posters with the characters. The State Park near here used it as a focal point and special thing for the children with me reading the story, poem at their Halloween event. The newspapers took pictures of the posters and told all about it.

My husband told me I just had to make it into a book. He believed in me. To do it justice I would want the illustrations to follow the story. That is a lot of art work. How and what to do? Day by day and page by page I decided to work with Pastels to do the pictures. I did full page pictures so the children could really enjoy the book with full color. My little poem became a book.


I thought back to the many time through the years we gathered around a bonfire and I told the little story. Our children, neighborhood children, friends and relatives loved the little poem, story and asked for it over and over. Now they bring their children to hear it and have the book to read. I had to laugh when one many told me it was Christmas time and his two daughters had to have him read them the Pumpkin Field as a bedtime story.


I was overjoyed when I heard from one reader in England who had shared the book with her daughter's class at their grade school. She said her daughter never tired of the book and they read it together over and over. When I found out classes and schools in another country were enjoying my little book there are no words to describe the emoticon I felt.

I may be sick, old, crippled and have problems but as I sat here at home typing, drawing and working on the books that I love I really did feel as if I had escaped these walls and a part of me reached around the world sharing something special to me. I kept the original sketches before I did the pastels for the book. Since my grandson was a baby I used them for coloring pages. He love it. He could make decorations for Halloween and also use them to make his own little book. I would staple them together and he would add to the pictures making his own little stories.

I have had more than one person tell me how stupid I was to not make a coloring book and sell it. I may one day but I wanted to have pages others could copy for free and the children to be able to do as many as they wanted. Each child seems to pick one character that is their favorite. In a coloring book that is one page. For free they can copy as many as they want. Some choose a pumpkin and some choose the scarecrow or even the witch.

That little boy that colored the pictures and stapled the pages together making his little books never gave up on the idea. He has told me that is not the end of the story. There is more to it. I smiled and encouraged him to tell me more of his ideas.

We have worked and he loves his stories. I wrote a book called An Adventure In Writing. It is a journal type thing of what we learned and worked on for an 8 year old to write a book with a story and characters I believe not only children but adults might find interesting. It shares part of his first book called Down The Path http://www.amazon.com/Down-Path-Linda-Nance-ebook/dp/B00GW51ED4/ref=la_B004PVDVR4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393874832&sr=1-1 and the next one he is still working on he said he will call Beyond The Pumpkin Field.

I have heard it said, to write what we know and he does that naturally. I have to smile at parts knowing what is behind the words and stories. We live in a very rural area with miles of forest behind the house. He knows to never go into the woods alone. He knows there are animals there. He knows he is supposed to listen to us and his mom but in his story the children thought just this once it would be alright to go into the woods. I would tell you more but will save it for when I do that book. I tell it now because the little story of The Pumpkin Field was the beginning. It was the beginning of him wanting to write his own stories and books and the beginning of many conversations with young and old alike.


We still love to get out back around a fire and tell stories with family and friends. This is one picture of my little coauthor and his grandpa.



The Pumpkin Field is a little book with a big reach. It reached through the years and around the world. Here are some of the places it can be found.

THE PUMPKIN FIELD

40 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1461044819 (CreateSpace-Assigned)
ISBN-10: 1461044812
BISAC: Juvenile Fiction / Holidays & Celebrations / Halloween

Through the years as I have told or read this story the children sat listening to every word. When the story is over it is only beginning as the questions flood forth about all different things from the different children. I see emotions relating to excitement, curiosity and a desire to share their thoughts, feelings, experiences and questions. 
 
Each and every page is an art work done to bring the story to life. I am so pleased to be able to share something so special in so many ways. The characters are ones that will remain in memory not to haunt but to be happy memories almost like friends on an adventure. The first of the book allows you to write to and from, making it a gift that is special just as you would a greeting card. This is a greeting of happy memories and good times shared. 
 
In a short and magically poetic story many doors open allowing communication on various topics and of as many thoughts as are possible in the young minds of those who share the tale. It is not just a story to tell but one that can be special in many ways. 
 
On this journey through the pumpkin field there are strange, ominous, mysterious, and even magical things that occur. Was it real or was it a dream? Could that be why it is requested even now into a new generation? I hope that my illustrations will bring this tale to life and just as my children and grandchildren and so many others have loved this tale, it will bring a special smile and create memories shared by all who read or receive it. This book is my gift to be passed on and shared, that can live on and reach out beyond the pages leaving delighted smiles. The Pumpkin Field is a little book with a big reach.




US KINDLE  










AMAZON PAPERBACK






AMAZON PAPERBACK

CA KINDLE https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00DIQUBIE

AMAZON PAPERBACK http://www.amazon.ca/Pumpkin-Field-Linda-Nance/dp/1461044812/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393527484&sr=1-5

MX KINDLE https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B00DIQUBIE
AMAZON PAPERBACK

AU KINDLE https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00DIQUBIE
AMAZON PAPERBACK

Before I go I want to share a few of the pages and pictures. 




At the beginning of each book I did a page where you can write to and from. I wanted each child to feel as if the book was special for them. It is sort of like a greeting card giving them a gift. I hope it will be a gift that will inspire communication, creativity, imagination and a wonderful time.







I would stay and tell you all about all of the books but I have to do things a little at a time and this is actually something I have worked on for some time. I will be back soon and share more about the books and my journey writing them. I hope you can help me share about them to others everywhere. I have to do things a little at a time and can not promote them as I would love to do. For me this is more than sharing books for sale..... it is sharing a passion, stories and something created from the heart.
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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

This Was Hard To Write … But...I Am Still Here








         It has been some time since I have been able to write one of my blogs. I have had dozens of ideas but each day has been a challenge to just continue to live. I promised to be honest in this blog and the things I share as I go along but that is not always easy. When I say that I get tired, very tired, it is something that most people will never fully understand. When I was young I would play until I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I was very tired but it was a good tired. I could rest and feel renewed to play another day. As I grew older I could work until I could go no more but it was a tired that found rest at the end of the day and a new day refreshed. When I became ill I got tired and it was not a good tired that rest could refresh. It was a desperate tired feeling that found no ease. When I became more ill, I often feel tired as if being alive is difficult and facing the challenges that life seems to never run short of, could be more than I had or have the strength left to face.
         I have tried so long and so hard to not only be alive but to live life the best that I can.. I have tried to look for hope and believing that each new day is a blessing. I have tried with my art and words and books and involvement with others to share that feeling of hope. As the family circumstances became more dire my hope began to dim. I began to try to survive. When you can no longer find a way to strive in life, looking forward to each day as a blessing, and are reduced to surviving, you are not in a good place. Words of hope and joy no longer came to mind.
           When I looked out my window I could see the sunshine but not feel it in my heart. I could see all of the people around me here at home and by phone and internet but still feel alone..... and tired. I lived in a world of pain that never ended. In the middle of the night if I finally fell asleep the pain would wake me. It was so intense the blood pressure was extremely high. They could not prescribe pain medicine without close medical supervision because it could diminish lung function. If my lung began to fill with fluid, I would be in trouble in an unbelievable short period of time. What could help me, could kill me. I understand all of that but could not afford the doctors that could help me. I have been seeing a lung specialist that is an amazing doctor and helped keep me alive through a clinic that helps those with no insurance or medicaid. They could not manage pain meds.
         I finally got Medicaid and thought it was the beginning of being able to recover enough to have a life and be alive. By the time I finally got it, I had a heart attack, blockages of 80 percent on one side and 70 on the other. They went in and put in 4 stints at one time and I felt so much better.
        The blood pressure was still an issue but I found out that since I had the Medicaid I could not go to the clinic as I had for years and many doctors are now unable to take new Medicaid patients. The primary care physician tried and could find no one closer than a 3 or 4 hour drive and that was a maybe for a lung specialist.
That was when my left side went limp during one of my rehab sessions for cardio function. I have been lucky and blessed to have regained most of the use on that side. It is still a bit slow and numb but better. The blood pressure was out of control. I am on 16 different prescriptions for blood pressure/ heart, breathing and respiratory, thyroid, blood thinners and that sort of thing.
        The new doctor prescribed pain meds that have been such a relief. I am more able to be up and around. I am able to be awake and not feel like I am loosing my mind. My blood pressure began to come down to almost normal. It is amazing until..... it is time to get my medications refilled. I still need the blood pressure meds. I do not want another stroke or heart attack. I have lived through cancer and having most of my left lung removed. The last time in the hospital they explained that I have a degenerative bone disease that has progressed to the point that there is nothing they can do except try to manage the pain. I have known that for some time but it is not easy to live with especially when you add in all of the other things.
        The Medicaid pays for 6 of 16 prescriptions. The blood thinners are all that will keep the stints from blocking up again. I had pressure increase in the heart not long ago they went in and did another heart cath and I am still here. I on prescriptions they feel are necessary to keep me going...... which ones do I need the most? If I get them filled, will I have the money for gas to go to the cardio rehab that has helped so much? If we do those things will we have the money for groceries? Then there is the big fear that seemed so oppressive especially during the extreme cold weather we had and will have again....will we have the money to fill the gas tank to heat our home? These are things that were ever present on my mind.
        We did not live extravagantly heating the house toasty and warm. We heated only as necessary and only two rooms during the extreme cold. At night we are usually under the covers and we were under a lot of covers. It was cold. I saw no way we would survive month to month and eventually the gas will be gone on a little over $500 a month.
        When Albert fell and fractured his skull it shattered more than the bone. It shattered our life. He tries day by day but some of the damage is permanent. He does his best but is surviving constant headaches and many other things that limit his life and ability to work. He applied for disability but was denied saying he might be able to be retrained. He has appealed and we will have to wait and keep trying to survive.
        All of that brings me back to when I looked out the window seeing the sunshine but feeling no sunshine in my heart. I would like to say that things have all worked out and I see a bright and shining future but I can not see the future.
        What I am now finally able to see, is this moment. I am looking at each day. I felt so close to giving up. I felt myself going down hill until I could hardly function at all. I see the smiling face of my little grandson and my daughter smiling but looking a bit helpless and worried. I see my husband as he takes me for each rehab session and patiently waits reminding me how important it is to continue. I see comments here online and from friends I talk to on the phone.... and I am not as alone as I was not that long ago. I took the time to pray for me along with those others I hear about who need help and realized that I am not alone.
        I got a phone call and the doctor that helped me so much in the clinic found a way to accept me as his patient. He did not forget me and I have hope.
        In the new book I wrote with my grandson, the ending is something a bit different. It is a children’s book but the end is one I think we could all relate to. Things in life are not always as they seem and some things we are never really sure of. Some things require faith. One of our neighbors stopped in to visit today and could not say enough about the little book. She and her husband both read it and she smiled as she told how touched they were. She said they loved the whole story but the ending was one they will never forget.
        I went out on the back porch and sat with our little dog this afternoon. 




 Last night I went and sat out for a short time and looked up at the sky. The moon shone through a haze of light clouds. There was no bright shining light from the heavens of the night. There was a dim glow with clouds growing denser and a chill in the night air. Life can be that way. It can be cold with storm clouds brewing. It can seem dark and almost hopeless....almost. With the afternoon sun warming me where I sat and seeing the little dog romp and play, I looked up at the clouds parting and the intense blue of the sky through the trees. The trees are bare making patterns in the sky but Spring will come again. The leaves will bud out in vibrant green. The dogwoods will bloom. The flowers will brighten the world. The darkness of the night before was gone. The clouds were parting instead of building to blot out the sun. All hope is not gone. I have no idea how things will work out but life does go on. I still get very tired. I have had to write this a little at a time but I am writing it to share the idea that as I have said so often. We can not give up. When we give up is when all is lost.
        I have a favor to ask. I need your help. I want each of you who read this, to take the time to tell someone near you how much you love them. We often feel it but do not really say it. A smile can often do wonders. Take a happy thought and pass it on. A simple kindness can mean so much. Reach out to others and try in what ever way that you can. So many here online have reached out to me and they will never know how much they have helped. They have tweeted and shared on twitter and facebook for me and I have not been able to return the favors. I often am too tired to be able to sit at the computer but for very shot times and when my back is acting up am not able to be here at all. When I do come back, there are words of kindness, hope, encouragement and prayers. I believe in those things. You have touched my heart and given me hope.
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Sunday, December 8, 2013

Honest Words In Hard Times

       

   I had said that I wanted to record and tell of things in life and how I felt about those things as they occurred. I am finding that more difficult than I had ever dreamed. When I wrote the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today....Life Is A Journey, I did not so much write it to tell my own story as to try to share the idea that we can not give up. If we give up today there is so much of tomorrow and the rest of life that we miss. We do not have to be dead to be dead to life. Just because we are alive does not mean we are truly living life. When we loose the ability to find the beauty in life, life can have a dim outlook. When we loose the will to stand up and keep going we fall farther and farther down. If we find what we look for in life it can be something beautiful or it can be dark and increasingly hopeless. I guess that goes to the old saying we need to watch what we look for..... we just might find it.
          When I wrote I Will Not Give Up it was the hardest thing I had ever written but I felt compelled to write it. I wrote about things I had never talked about, and remembered things that for years had been beyond my ability to remember. As I wrote, it was like a flash back and I did not just remember it but relived it. I have heard from so many that the book touched their heart and even helped in their own lives. I could not go back and read my own words. I was unable to risk the feeling of reliving things such as the head-on collision and other times that were so difficult. The pages were not written as an author but emotions straight from the heart.
          Now as I try to keep my word and honestly write about life and how things are going with my writing and surviving, I again find it difficult. I would like to tell you that every day I look on the bright side and am able to see hope and bright and shining things but that would be a lie. I have felt almost overwhelmed. There were times I felt so filled with despair there was no one I could talk to. There was no where I could turn. I turned to prayer. I understand there are many who do not want to hear religious discussions but my beliefs and faith are a part of me. I believed that God was there with me but I do not know his plan. Am I to survive? What are the challenges ahead?
          I was also not alone because of the outpouring of support and well wishes and prayers from all of you online. I have said before how much you have touched my heart and how much it has meant but words really do not describe it.
          Then we lost the internet. My husband has always taken care of our family. He could no longer work. He was lucky to be alive. Everyday he faced challenges trying to survive the damages the brain injury has left him to overcome. We had no income but what the church provided in offerings. We had to go the food banks to have food and work applying any and everywhere we could to get help.
          I had no idea how we would pay for things I feel are necessary in addition to food and utilities or gas to go to doctors. How would I pay for the oxygen that is my lifeline? They showed such compassion and have helped to keep me going.
          Month after month I tried to hold on and not give up. My husband had nearly died in March. My mother and father had been very ill. The end of July we lost my mother. As I stood at her side holding onto her in the physical and emotional sense in those last moments, I felt overwhelmed. I felt a terrible pressure in my chest. I could not breathe even with the oxygen. I went down.
          I thought it was my nerves. I thought it was anxiety. In addition to respiratory problems and the loss of most of my left lung to cancer I have severe hypertension and some heart problems. During those months I felt sure the pressure and stress was showing in an anxiety attack. My family tried to get me to go to the hospital but my mother was dieing,, my father would need me, my husband was so hurt from the skull fracture.... I was so sure it was stress.
          I was wrong. It was my heart. I could not give up. My father needed me. My family needed me. Even the funeral became a nightmare. We could not bury my mother until we came up with money. We thought it was all arranged and there were insurance to cover but it had been cashed in long ago. My father had no idea and the stress was immense. He has mild Alzheimers and it made it more difficult.
          I did my best and she had a beautiful service eventually. I felt so tired. I tried my best to keep going. During that time there were so many who posted comments that helped so much. I thought we were through the worst that life could throw at us but life has a way to surprise you.
          I became so weak I could hardly get up. If I took more than a couple of steps I became dizzy and felt so fragile I began to tremble. We had no choice but to go for help. The good Lord does look after me even as stubborn as I can be. I have felt so bad for so long it is often hard to tell when I am in danger. The went in and found I had an 80 percent block on one side and 70 percent on the other. Four stints later I was doing so much better.
          Since that time I began a rehab program for cardio/pulmonary. It helps so much but how could I be strong enough to do it or have the gas to get there? When my left arm fell down I felt so confused and could not make it work. I just wanted to go home. I thought if I rested I would get stronger and all would be fine. I could do it..... but.... I had had a mild stroke.
          I am still working to get it back and making great progress. I am typing this. I may have to do it over and over and it takes longer but I can do it. During all of this there were times it was hard to look on the bright side. There were times it was hard to find hope and beauty in life. I thought of the things I have been working on combining art and words to help share the message of hope. I sat and looked at my own works to find hope in my own life.
          I was hanging on but barely. I read the words you all posted and they inspired me that I was not alone. There were others who cared. The love of my daughter, grandson and husband kept me going. Friends and family shared their love. I could do it. I could live through all of this and find a way to make life worth while.... I hoped I could but was not as sure as I had once been.
          I am finally back online but feel so tired and weak it is difficult for me to be here. I do everything a little at a time. I really miss my momma. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving thanks to my daughter, grandson and her boyfriend. They worked so hard and made such a wonderful meal. My father was there but he looked so lost and fragile. When he first was there I do believe he was ready to go be with Mom. By the time he left, I saw him smiling and talking about the future.
          The little grandson works magic for all of us. He held my father's hand and told him about how he would have to be there for Christmas. Now Daddy is talking about Christmas and smiles. That is the same little grandson that is my co-author. The book we just got out is one I can not promote but am so happy with. I feel it is not only a good story for children but one that may touch grownups too. I wrote a journal type book as we worked to share how we did this. I did not only want to tell a story but teach my grandson how and what it takes to make a story a book. I wanted him to understand why we wrote it as we did and what we were doing as we developed the story. I hope that helps young and older alike to make their dreams come true with the own writing.
          Before I got so sick I was invited to be the guest speaker for the fourth and fifth grade classes at Green County Tech. It was wonderful. The children were so excited and filled with enthusiasm. I hope one day to be able to do a special event and work with some that are interested in writing. So many times the thing that holds us back is the ability to believe and determination to work and work hard learning as much as we can to accomplish our dreams. There are so many things that I want to do. It has been so long since I could be up and about to do the writers group but I will not give up. We still keep in touch on the phone.
          This last round nearly did me in. I was having problems thinking of the future in anyway other than one filled with pain, and a dismal end to life. I could look outside and see a bright day that I could not be a part of. I thought that maybe it was time for me to say enough. I had tried, but living was really hard. I wanted my grandson to hold the book he had worked so hard to write in his hands. It is here now. It is real and so is the book that shares how we did it.
          We let him open the package it arrived in. At first he had no words. He seemed overwhelmed with emotion. I had my husband take pictures of him. 

In a flash he grabbed up the two copies and held them up with a smile that would light the room. 


          I was sitting beside him. It had been a very difficult day for me and I think it showed but he lunged toward me with the books in his hands and we had a special moment I will never forget and even had the picture of the moment.


          After that I had a really bad day. I had not been feeling well at all. The blood pressure is uncontrolled even with medication. I have tried my best but felt so bad. When I finally gave up and went to the hospital they kept me there. I began to wonder if this would be my last. I had the nurse take a picture so if I did get to come home and write this it would be one more piece of life's puzzle. For a brief moment I thought it might be the last picture of me to be had. It was a sad and fearful feeling. 


          I felt so weak and fragile. They did many tests and all of a sudden we were headed to the heart cath lab. They called in specialists and they were so good. They went into my heart and did what they could and I am alive. I have to find ways to make life special and live it, instead of just being alive. I had pressure that had built up in the heart that could have ended all of that. I still am fighting hour to hour the blood pressure that could do it again but I am alive.
          I came home from the hospital in and ice storm. We live out in the country and often loose our electricity. When we loose ours I loose my oxygen. I have a couple of small tanks, but how long will they last. The ice made it impossible to leave the house. There was no way I could walk on the ice or for us to get our vehicle out to go anywhere.
          The night we got home from the hospital we did loose our electricity for awhile but thanks to those who work in the cold and difficult weather they got us going before I ran our of oxygen. The next day I looked out the window to a world of ice. I usually love the beauty as it sparkles like crystal. All I saw was a shroud. It was a shroud of ice. I looked out the window at the trees the ice storms of the past had broken with their twisted limbs reaching up and more ice on the branches. Was it a world of beautiful crystal or a shroud of ice? I guess it is all how you look at it.


          I looked out and thought of all the messages from those online. I thought of the love of family and friends. I thought the my husband, daughter and grandson and knew I had to find a way to see the beauty. I had to find a way to get tough and get up and live. It is not over until we give up.
          My grandson asked how will anyone ever know about our book. I told him not to worry. We did something special and I believe in the story. It is a tale for young and old alike, sharing the story of two young children and the discoveries they make down the path they take. The choices we make have consequences as the two young children discover. What may seem like an adventure and time of fun can often evolve into something more sinister or frightening. Discovering the right path and surviving to come safely home is something the children almost loose hope of finding. A story of the faith of a child and courage to stand by what they believe.




I told him it is there and it is real. Even if only one person reads it and it touches them we did good.
          I looked out again at the ice on the trees and knowing how cold it is outside. I saw it sparkle in the sunlight. I saw the beauty again. I did not give up. I may have come close but there is more for me to do in this life. I have no idea what the future holds and am working with all my might to hang on and improve. There are so many more things I want to do. Even on the coldest days the love of family and friends here and online make a warm place in my heart.
Before I go I want to share some of the art projects I have been doing with art and words.  I have used my own water color paintings and photos to combine feelings, sight and heart










 
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Saturday, November 30, 2013

Patterns in Life

Patterns in Life


We got ready early in the morning to go to the cardio/pulmonary rehab and it was so cold.
I had had the blues and missed my mother. I missed my grandparents and so many others who have passed from this life. Family and friends are now gone. The holidays are near and my daughter and grandson are trying so hard to make a wonderful and happy time for us all. Her boyfriend makes us feel ever so welcome and they work together trying to make it all so special....yet I had the blues. I know they are missing mom and also worried about us but they work to make happy times to come.
All during these difficulties my daughter came every day. She ran and fetched for us. We had no way to even get groceries or medicines. She gave all she had to give and did all she could to help as well as take care of her family and child.
I am so grateful and it warms my heart seeing all of the love she shares with us. The little grandson makes me smile and the dreariest days seem bright.
But I still had cried off and on for days.
I risk falling when ever I try to go somewhere so even getting out to the vehicle is a challenge. The cold makes the aches and pains worse but the therapy makes them better..... so I was going to do my best.
Albert takes me three times a week and patiently waits without complaint. All of that and I had begun to feel as if it was no use. No matter how hard I work I will never get well. I will never be able to go for a walk or hike in the woods with my grandson seeing all of the beauty there, as I did with my children. I will never be able to go camping and sit peacefully by the campfire.
I could go on listing all of the things I will never be able to do and dreading all of the things yet to come....
When I got in the pickup truck it was so cold the windows were iced over. We would have to wait for a few moments and let the heat from the defroster melt it away while Albert switched out my oxygen bottle.
As these feelings washed over me, the sun broke through the gray cloudy sky. The ice on the windshield sparkled like diamonds. The delicate lacy patterns shimmered on the glass. It was so beautiful. It was icy and it was cold but it was delicate, intricate and sparkling and bright.
Staring at that cold and frozen windshield I began to feel a bit of peace. I thought of the things I write and say and realize there are times I need to read them myself and remember to watch what we look for. If we look for the misery and pain in life, it is not hard to find but is that what do we really want to find? There are those who hurt us and take advantage of us. There are those who are cruel or bully.
There is beauty. There is love and kindness. There are also those who do not forget us. There are those who do all they can to help us and keep us in their thoughts and prayers. There is sunshine behind the clouds and beauty if we look for it even in a frozen windshield. There is hope for tomorrow.
I am not dead yet..... I have so much more life to live and want to do the best that I can. I will not say that I never feel despair, fear, heartbreak, anger, frustration and depression. But I will not let those fleeting feelings dictate to me. I will find a way to see the patterns in life that lead to hope and joy.
Life can be so cold and harsh just as the ice that froze on the glass. Life can also hold untold beauty and surprises for the days ahead. If we give up today we miss all of the tomorrows.
I Will Not Give Up Today....Life is a journey and there is so much more I have to do.


To all who miss loved ones during these holiday seasons, know that love never dies. Love that lives in the heart lives forever. Instead of thinking about all that I have lost I want to think of all that I have. I want to think of ways to make good memories for those I love instead of grieving and stealing the joy of the moment.
I want to look for the patterns in life that give beauty and joy.
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I Am Back

I Am Back

These past few months I have been off the internet have seemed like a lifetime. I have heard people say that people on the internet are not real or at least not real friends but I have to differ. There is no way to describe how wonderful so many have been. I started all of this in 2010 and the people I have met then and now are friends. I may have never seen you in person or heard your voice but you have touched my heart. Several of those I have become friends with on the internet have begun to communicate by phone. For sometime now that was the only way you could reach me.
I had said I was going to write about all of this honestly as I went along. It started with me wanting to see at least one of the things I had written as a book that I could hold in my hand. They had told me I had cancer and with all of the other problems we were all very unsure if I would even wake up from the surgery let alone what the future would bring.
I shared honestly and from the heart. I remember the days before the surgery thinking I may never be able to see and be with those I loved in this life again. I felt so many emotions. I felt fear and even some emotions there are no words to describe but I tried.
I got to hold the proof for Life Goes On days before the surgery. When I woke from the surgery there was no thought about books. The pain was unreal. Nothing stopped the pain. Even morphine did not seem to work. I had to survive. That was all I was doing for sometime.
CreateSpace had worked with me doing the first novel. The patience and support they showed was amazing. You have to realize that my oxygen levels were very low. At one point they were not even able to do the surgery that could save my life. They said my lung capacity was so low I would not survive and if I did it would be on life support. I was doing treatments and working as hard as I could but there was no way I could have done the book without all of their help.
I knew so little about computers and the internet I had to learn everything and had no time to do it. Even uploading the files was difficult.
There were times they worked with me on the phone talking me through it and even then we often had to wait and try again later as I became more and more unable to function.
After the surgery for sometime I was simply surviving and living in a haze of pain. I still did not know how long I would have to live and if the cancer would come back. I decided I would not wait in life. If I was alive, I wanted to truly live my life. If there were things that I wanted to do I was driven to do my best to keep going.
I worked to learn as many things as I could. We had no money for me to do books. It was not that I had a minimal budget but I had no way to pay for things I so desperately needed. I had to be the writer, artist for the covers, figure out how to make a painting into a book cover and send it to be published and make it work.
Since I had not even known how to copy and paste there was so much to learn. I had to be my own editor and I do not recommend that but have had no choice. There are so many things we miss when it is our own writing. Reading it closely was difficult since I had not only written it but read it and rewrote and re-read it so many times I often caught myself skimming through but did my best.
There is another thing that make is difficult for me when writing I have never really talked about before. I am dyslexic. When I say I often scramble and turn numbers and letters around that it an understatement. Even writing down a simple phone number is a chore for me.
When I was young they did not really understand that and in schools just thought you were dumb. I did not think I would ever learn to read. Now I love to read and have my own little methods to make things easier. One thing when writing I have learned to love is spell check. It catches every time I scramble letters in words.
As the years have gone by and after the accident I was in, my hands have arthritis and my little finger on the left hand is no longer usable. It is actually drawing up and stiff. Not long ago I had a mild stroke and lost the use of my left hand. I was going to keep trying to type with the right hand but decided I will make it work again.
I have to type and retype but it is working beautifully. I hope to one day have it back like before. I get tired so easily I am also limited on time to do things.
After the cancer surgery and the removal of the lung I worked with a passion to not give up. I wanted to share that thought because no matter how hard things may be there are so many others out there suffering their own problems that are just as bad if not worse. I had so much to learn but there were so many online who helped and were so patiently teaching me. I wanted to share that with others.
I won't say that everything online was wonderful. There were some people who were very mean to others. If they got mean with me I just did not continue to talk to them. I sort of thought of it in a weird way. If this was my last day alive how important would their opinions or words be to me?
I had some so called experts demanding I do promotions and things their way because there were experts. Some of it was great and somethings I just had to do my way. I was learning as I went. I saw so many who were giving up on their dreams because they thought there was no hope for them. Every other author they talked to was a best seller and they did not know what to do or how to go. When I found something that worked I tried to share the information.
Three days a week I have to go to cardio/pulmonary rehab. It is through St. Bernards Hospital here in Jonesboro, Ar. and they have been fantastic. It is a lot of work but so worth it for recovering and maintaining.
When I was in the hospital with the last problem, I got to meet many doctors. They checked me from top to bottom. They were conscientious and caring. I had excellent care from all of the staff. There is only so much they can do.
At one point we all had a nice little talk. I have severe back pain and at times my legs quit working. I have suffered several falls lately. The good news is that I do not have any spinal fractures or ruptures in the vertebrae.
The bad news was that I am worn out. I had to laugh at the young doctor as he so seriously told me that , and replied that may be because I am an old lady.
He remained very serious and tried to make sure I really understood. I have a degenerative bone disease. I understand more than most how serious it is and will become. Years ago when they first told me I cried. I was afraid and began to feel depression set in thinking of the future. I had seen my grandmother go from happy and always doing something to bedfast and in constant pain. She would cook so many wonderful things from scratch and sing songs with me. One day in the nursing home she had to live in as she had become totally a prisoner in her own body she turned her head and it cut the spinal cord when the bones gave way.
I had understood what could be for many years but what they were telling me is that is not something that may be in the future but is now. That is why there is so much pain in the back, knees, shoulders, hands and almost every part of my body.
You would think they could give me some really good pain medicine to help, but if they do, it will reduce the respiratory and that could be very dangerous for me. If the pain is too intense the blood pressure goes way up. I don't think they know what to do for me. I was and sort of am beginning to think I don't know either.
After the lung removal I threw myself into my writing, books and even started a writers group to help others with their projects.
This past 7 or 8 months was almost enough to extinguish the passion and dim the hope.
I nearly lost my husband when he fell onto concrete fracturing his skull and suffering brain bleeds. The damage he sustained destroyed life as he had known it. He has always worked and took care of his family. Now he is unable to work and life as he knew it will never be. He is having to adjust and survive.
My father had blood clots that were life threatening but survived. My mother had health issues so severe you never knew one day to the next what the future would hold.
The end of July we lost my mother. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving in my life without her.
I was with her at the end. In those moments I felt a crushing weight in and on my chest. I could not breath. I went down.
My family tried to get me to go to the hospital but I was so grief stricken I felt sure my problems were anxiety and stress.
I was wrong. It was my heart.
I will skip the details. There is no need to try to find words. I will move on along to when I did finally go for help. They did many tests and found out I had a blockage of 70 percent on one side and 80 on the other. I was lucky I lived. With 4 stints put in I began to do much better.
I went to the rehab as soon as I was strong enough. I could not believe how much better I was doing and what a difference it made.
One day not long ago my hand fell down off the handle of the machine. I felt so confused and as hard as I strained it would not go back up. It was numb. They tried to get me to go to the hospital but I explained that I fell the day before and hurt that shoulder as well as all of the rest of me. I am old enough I do not bounce well. I just wanted to get home and rest. I was sure I would be better if I could only rest a bit.
It was not long before we knew I was not better and something was terribly wrong. As I told before there was more than just a small stroke I will have to deal with and endure.
I know I will have to work but I am not dead yet. I was able to get the two projects I had started with my grandson ready and he is so excited. He little face lights up when we talk about the books. I showed him on the computer what it would look like. I even showed him the Amazon page. That is not like holding the book in your hands. Month after month we worked and planned, discussed and learned.
Yesterday my husband told him it would not be long before the book was here. He just gave him a look and said “really?”
When he realized Albert was serious I can not describe the look on his face. He is so excited. I can hardly wait to see his face when the book arrives. We are going to wait for him to get home from school so he can open it. I just hope I will be able to get a picture of his face when he does.
One day at a time....
When I wrote my own story I called it I Will Not Give Up....Not Today....Life Is A Journey.
I did not give up before....did not give up today and the journey is not over.


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