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Friday, November 30, 2012

I Am Back... And The Story Goes On

I am kind of excited as I write this third part in this blog for my birthday.  It is not just because I love to tell about the books even though I do.  It is not just because it is my birthday.  I think it has something to do with the feeling that no matter what there are many things more that I will do in this life.  I want to be able to eventually get well enough to get out and go places and do things.  I want to be able to meet people and feel the sun shine on my face and a gentle breeze on warm days.  I want to see smiles on the faces of my family, friends, and even new people that I might meet.

When I published that first book I told my family, if I managed to survive I was going to one day fill a whole book shelf with the very best books I could write.  They smiled tolerantly and with worried expressions were concerned with living and staying alive from day to day.

It seemed as if I have fought for so many years to stay alive.  Even with the excitement of the book Danny I had the idea for the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life Is A Journey and could not get it out of my mind.  I was not sure what I wanted to write because the idea of writing my own story had never entered my mind.  It was more the opposite.  There are some things in life we may survive but do not always want to focus on and dwell with such intensity as to find words to describe and explain.  We lived it once and do not want to live it again.

Why then did I write the book?  I felt I had to write it and hope it would do more than entertain or tell my story.  I wanted and want it to help others.

When I wrote the other books I wrote and rewrote and edited.  I added or deleted and worked for a long time.  I even went back to school before I finished the first novel to try and learn more to make my writing more than what I had been able to accomplish.  When I wrote this book it was different.  It was very different.  I was not creating a book, I was sharing heart and soul.

There were some things I was unable to remember.  The day of the head on collision I could remember up to when the car was not stopping.  Then nothing.  I could remember hearing voices.... then nothing.  I remember the paramedic asking me if I was on any drugs.  I had never done  He seemed desperate and kept asking.  I thought about prescriptions and mentioned the thyroid.  Then I heard the words bleed out.  He did not know if we would make it in because he thought he had a bleed out.

I had worked in hospitals before and knew what that meant.  Then it dawned on me.  I had and have a lot of pain in my back and arthritis in joints.  I also had an irregular heart beat and family history of blood clots.  After an incident with my heat they wanted me to be on blood thinners.  I had no insurance and could not afford to go regular for visits and blood tests.  BC powders helped with the pain, swelling and the aspirin in them worked as a blood thinner especially since I used quite a bit of aspirin.

Bleed out...aspirin.

I guess since I have been sick for some time again now and felt so fragile, many things and memories have flooded my mind on this day.  This is also the time of year that was so difficult after the cancer surgery.  It may seem odd sharing them here and in books but after that surgery I knew I wanted to write to reach out.  I wanted to have words that did not echo in silence as I sat here alone.  I did not want to live, only to die with hopes and dreams dwindling in the recess of my own mind never to be real.  I want to do more than live... I want to be alive.

Writing I Will Not Give Up was more difficult than any thing I have ever written.  It was not just thinking of those times but finding words for things that had no words.  How do you describe an emotions so intense that just memories of the time brought tears after all of these years?  There were times as I sat here typing that tears ran down my face.

There was one moment that was like a nightmare.  The doctors said they hoped I never remembered all of the accident.  It was my mind's way of protecting me from something so traumatic.  As I was searching for the words the sight and sounds and FEELINGS became so real.  I not only remembered, but it was if it was happening all over again.  As if in slow motion, my face was smashing into the glass and my body twisting and wrenching as it raked my face over the broken shards.

I was determined to be real and tell it.  I wanted to not just tell what happened but what happened inside me and inside my heart and mind.  There were times that I have said you have to learn to laugh or you might cry all the time.  But there were also times I did not want my family to see.  There were times I was so afraid.  There were times I felt so hopeless.  There were times I cried.  As I typed away I cried but I kept typing.

I know this book is not edited properly.  It is not edited at all.  I know the sentence structure is not perfect because some of it is not sentences but feelings and emotions.  I have and do try to create the best books and stories that I can.  That is why it is taking so long on Danny.  As it is being edited I am a bit slow in working and reworking until I am satisfied.  With I Will No Give UP....I did not create a book or write a story.  I did not want to change and edit it to be ....  I wanted it to be real.  I managed to write it but have not been able to go back and reread it myself.  I lived it and now I have shared it but I could not read it.  That is alright because it is not written for me but I hope there is the one or ones who might be able to use it and have hope.  I hope they can share that hope with others and know there is tomorrow.

Our children and nieces and nephews had asked me to write some of the stories I had told through the years.  I have done it having fun but do not remember them all so I gathered a few and write the book A Tale To Tell.  There is a ghost in everyone and it is a lot of fun but as with the children's book there is more to the stories than just the fun of the Tale.

The Midnight Hour is one I like involving a young man who feels the pressure to do something he knows is wrong to try to fit in.  Peer pressure can be immense on our young people.  It may be part of growing up but it is evident even as we grow older.  What he finds in the Midnight Hour is more than a ghostly tale in a haunted cemetery.

Each story is different in it's own way in that book and each of my books is different.  The one thing that is the same is my desire to do the very best that I can and to never give up.  I have only just begun.
I just had to show you the books.  When I said I did the covers it is my way to share my art and paintings.  When you hold the paperback copy you also have one of my paintings.

Well, time is passing and the day is too.  I have enjoyed sharing my birthday with you all.  I want to thank you all for the best wishes here, on Facebook, Twitter and the many other places and phone calls today.

Here are so of mine that I want to share that are not connected to the books but carry a wish...

Some day I want to find a way to make a book of photos and paintings mixing the art and the words. 

The first phone call I got, was one that made me smile and warmed my heart.  A young voice cheerfully chimed out "Happy Birthday Mamaw!  I love you."  It was followed by my wonderful daughter.

I am going to have a good time and will be back tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I love that you included your paintings on the covers.