Count My Blessings

Part 2

From Then To Now and Never Give Up

I have cried. I have felt fear. I am not so much afraid to die but can not abide the thought of leaving those I love and all of the friends in person and online who have been so loving and supportive in so many ways. I still have an occasional cry but am determined to begin the journey of living and staying alive.

I believe in prayer and am thankful for all of those who pray for me now and before. I know the good Lord will be with me and see me through however things work out but am hoping and praying it will be for me to continue in this life.

The things that I am facing now and will face even more in the near future are so uncertain with the final outcome but I have been thinking back to other challenging times. Many of the thoughts and feelings of the past are now again my present.

I have wanted to write this for some time now. When I think of the title it is impossible to tell of how many blessings I have had in my life. There are some times and people that do come to mind and I can not forget.

Right now my thoughts have drifted back....way back. We would never have dreamed I would be here today typing and finding so many more things in life to be grateful for.

I ran across some things I wrote long ago. This is from

January 31, 2010 at 12:30pm

I went in on December 28 for a CT scan and waited for the results. Every time I called they did not have the results. Last Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment and was curious to hear what they found. I was shocked. I was happily shocked. I had not explained that last summer I found out that the tumor under the aorta was growing. I have lasted so much longer than the six months that we originally thought that I had to live, but have felt for a long time that every day may be my last.

Unless you have ever suffered a devastating illness it is hard to explain or for others to understand what it is like when you say that you are tired. I get so very tired there are no words to describe what it feels like to a healthy person. You can work or play all day and be so tired that you can not stay awake, but it is not a frightening thing or a bad feeling such as the tiredness that I feel. There is no way for a person to understand what it is like to hurt and live in pain every day of your life and know there is no escape but death. Even in the late night hours it can wake you from a sound sleep, if you get into a sound sleep.

I had wanted to write books to entertain and hopefully sell and help support myself and family. I had wanted to write poetry and stories and other things. I wanted to write things that could make other people feel and think. I have tried to do all of these things. I have completed 3 novels and hundreds of pages of other works. I have written poetry and have another novel well on it’s way. I have not been able to find an agent or publisher and fear that time may be short. I do not and have not given up, but am very tired and have been very close to deciding that I am too tired. I am too tired to keep fighting to go on. I am tired of the constant pain.

When I feel like that, I get a visit or call from friends or family but especially from my angel boy. He really is my little angel. He makes me smile and laugh and look for tomorrow. He helps me to live life instead of being alive. He may never realize how very special he is, but the patience and love he shows is beyond his age of 4. He is a blessing. My daughter brings that little grandson to visit and helps in every way that she can. She never forgets us and you can see the love in her eyes.

When it took so long to get the last test results back I feared that it was not good news. I have made sure this time that I did not run out of the herbal tea. I have even increased the amount that I drink. I am trying my best, but how much can a little tea do with tumors under the aorta? Essiac tea has helped more than others would believe.

The Jonesboro Church Health Center has been a life line for me. We do not have insurance or the kind of money it would take for the usual medical care. This place has served and helped so many people for so many years that would otherwise have had to go without any medical help. We are not all eligible for the programs or able to afford insurance. The clinic charges fees that are reasonable and offers not only some medical care, but excellent care.

There are all kinds of ways a person can do a job. They can do a job well. They can do it proficiently and efficiently. The people that work at this place do all of that, but they do so much more. They do their work showing compassion, and care in a respectful and intensely sincere manner that allows a patient to feel like a person. It allows a patient to feel as if there are those that care about them and not just the case that they are. I know that these people and this place does all that it can to help me and that I would not have lived as long as I have if it were not for them and the way that they care about other people. When you talk about doing something special in life, these people do it every day.

There are other people that work with them to help. How can you thank a doctor or specialist that takes the time to volunteer or treat at reduced, (very reduced rates compared to the normal fees) people who have no way to pay what they would have to pay or thank them as they deserve. The doctors help so much more than they can realize. If you have a problem and no way to get help you have to either live or die with it. That may be a simplistic way to describe a difficult situation, but it is the truth. There have been doctors, and they know who they are, that have helped so much and did it with heart and compassion. They work and have volunteered to help because of the special people that they are. I believe that God knows and sees people such as these. Bless you each and every one.

The reason it took so long to get the results is not because I was being neglected or overlooked but because the results seemed medically impossible and they wanted to be sure that they had read the right results in my report. They double checked and verified that the tumors had not grown at all. There were no new growths. I am not well or cured, but for over 8 months things have held as they were instead of getting worse. That may not sound like much, but to me it is a miracle. If it had grown as it had before, I would either be dead or not far from it.

Instead, I am looking forward to warmer weather and our next visit with the grandson and the times we can go down the road and listen to the music with friends and neighbors. There is no way I could say too much about these people and what they have done for me. I do not think that they realize what an impact their friendship has meant to both of us. Things are not easy for Albert. There are times I see the worry in his eyes or the watchful way he spots when I am too tired or the pain is unusually intense and it is time to go home. Most of the time, he fixes our breakfast. I try my best to fix the other meals but sometimes he does that too.

I had an idea for a book that I wanted to write that would incorporate these blogs or what ever you call this journal like thing I am writing and often posting on the internet. I thought about writing a book called ‘I Die a Little Each Day, But Am Not Dead Yet…Not Today.’ I was afraid that it might be a little to real or depressing for those that are close to me if they read some of the things that I am actually going through. What I hoped for in writing such a thing, would be that others who are going through difficult times would realize that we can not give up. I will continue to think on that project. I have so many things in mind that I want to do and write.

There are so many people suffering devastating illnesses and injuries and so many that suffer with pain, disabilities and debilitating disorders or deadly illnesses. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy for depression to either slowly drift in or descend like a blanket that smothers a person. It is easy to feel helpless and hopeless. If I allow all of that to be my lot in life, then I am already dead even if I am still alive. I believe that there are so many people that never really live their lives. I want to live and be alive. I want to see the smiles of the grandchildren, hear the laughter and enjoy the good times. I want to be there to comfort, support, show love and care. I want to hold them and cry with them when times break your heart. I want to be, and do, and live. How to do all of that is a real question.

I get so tired and hurt. I am trying to write. If there was a way for others to know and read my words then I would not be alone. They would not be alone either as we share thoughts, feelings and dreams and fears. I had hoped that I could find a way to use words to reach out and touch others. I wanted to be able to use words to paint pictures and make people feel and think. I hope that I have done that in the novels and other things that I have written.

The woman who lives in the area and had the little boy that suffered the serious burns thanked me a while back. She said that what I wrote touched them all and that it reached others and made such a difference to so many people that read it that the donations they received after it was published in the newspaper were enough to meet all of the child’s medical needs. What she told me meant so much to me. I could not bake cakes or do a lot of the work to make the fundraiser a success, but if my words could help an injured child, then I had indeed accomplished what I am trying to do with that. Maybe it helped someone else who read it.

I have had a few letters to the editor published in the local paper, but I do not think that these things that I write from my heart will be read or heard. I see no way for people to even know that it is here for them to share. If we ever get the money to go on line I would love to have my own web site and be able to share and try many things. I used to sculpt and paint. I liked to do bead work and candles and many other arts and crafts. I may not be able to do a lot of things, but who knows, if I had a place to show and share, there might be others out there who would want to help and buy the things I make. They might be able to feel a little less lonely as they read some of the things I wrote or know that we are never really alone. I do believe in God and that he is here with us. There are miracles that happen every day and often we overlook what is right before us.

We may have problems and pray to God saying that there is no way we can work these things out and beg for his help. Later when the problems are better we smile and say that we knew all along we would find a way and we did. There are other times that things happen and we blame God or angrily wonder how he could have allowed such an injustice or cruelty. I do not have those answers and have even thought them myself before. What I believe is, that if we knew all of the answers we would be God, because only he knows all. It is by faith and trust in him, that we may find peace and know that all is not lost. There is more to come.

I am growing very tired and will take a break and try to write more later today. I have so much more I want to share, but it will have to wait.

As I look back at the words I wrote so long ago I have many emotions and thoughts. They would never have found the mass under the aorta if it had not been for the pneumonia that had set in. I had coughed so hard that I broke a rib and by accident they found the mass.

Later in life I had a terrible pain where I had never hurt before. It became so intense I could no longer stand it and went to the hospital. When they x-rayed my back where the pain was, they saw so much more. They saw the tumors in the left lung that could so quickly end my life. I could say it was also by accident they found them just in time....we hoped it was not too late....

When I got home from the hospital the spot that had hurt so badly no longer hurt at all and has never hurt there since.

What I had written in 2010 about doctors that volunteered at that clinic I have to tell a bit more about one named Dr. Sifford. He is amazing as a doctor and a blessing as a human being who cares for so many and helps in every way that he can. If I count my blessings, he and that clinic are blessings to me and so many others.

Dr. Sifford worked with me for years there at the clinic as I have always had upper respiratory problems. Seeing him in different times of need and he was always still there helping those who suffered, offered me a chance to know him. He did not give up on those who reached out to him. He cares. I have never known him personally or even had a cup of coffee with him but I do think of him as my friend and my doctor. A friend is someone who cares. Once in a while in life you meet someone special and he is very special. My whole family feels the same way about him and all of the help he has rendered. He is that to so many people who reach out to him for help.

I ran across another thing that I wrote August 25, 2010 at 2:51pm

I want to make my dreams come true and not give up.

I said that I was going to write no matter what and be honest in what I wrote, so here I am. Honestly….I have been tired. I have been very tired, but I am not giving up. I hurt, but I am not giving in. It is not a stubborn attitude or ignorant denial that I am not receiving the usual medical course of treatments. I have more than one thing wrong and there is no recommended treatment. My previous notes explain all of that in detail. They explain more of the whole picture.
What they do not tell is how I have been up all night because I hurt. By morning I could not take it anymore and spent until now in the ER, tests, ct scans and all of that. When trying to find the cause for the pain they found more. They found that the tumor must have metastasized from what it had been and there is another one large enough they do not want to wait at all for the biopsy. They know that if they can not find a way to stop it soon I will have no more tomorrows. WOW.. this is hard. It is so hard for my husband and daughter. He and my daughter are the only ones that know until now.
I have been sitting here thinking many things. I cried. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel afraid that I will not be able to do as I have always said….Make my dreams come true. Not give up.
A couple of days ago I was so excited. I am going to have one of my books published. This is what it is….
LIFE GOES ON
The Family of five found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from their apartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation they accepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live and new start in life. They had no choices except seeing their family homeless in a rough part of the city.
Against protest from the two eldest children they moved. The differences in all that they had known were immense. It was not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experienced moments that would test their sense of humor and times that would test their strength of character.
Life became complicated. There were some difficult issues they would have to face and how they responded could have life altering consequences. Situations escalated for different family members in different ways that could destroy them and those around them or test them and force them to make choices and face the consequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each person learned in their own way.
This is a story of people and a place they would work to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumph and times of despair. It is a story that talks to many of us in different ways as the characters struggle with life.
They had weathered the difficult transition of the relocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for them all. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.



I understand that publishing a book is only one step. How can people know about it, want it, or decide to get it? I am going to do my best. This is my dream. I want to publish it then one other novel before the children’s book and coloring book that goes with it. Then I have another novel completed and one I am working on. I am not going to give up or give in. I will try to keep my dreams not only alive, but make them come true.
As I am doing all of this, I do intend to keep a journal type of record in my notes here and also on blogspot and any other I might be able to start. I do at times get tired. I am still excited about the book, but the way things are health wise is difficult. I have been in bad shape before and am not dead yet….NOT TODAY. Lately I have begun to wonder if this is the day. Late at night when it is so hard, I have at times felt so alone. Then I realize I am not alone. I believe not only in prayer, but that God will be there with me and help to give me strength. One day at a time….Life Goes On….just like my book.
I am going to wait and write more tomorrow. It has been a day.

 

September 7, 2010  

A time of choices and decisions

 

Life is filled with choices. Some are big and life changing choices. Some are so subtle and casual that we hardly realize we are making them. This has been a time of many choices and decisions for me. I have been, and am so excited to see the novel I wrote finally being put into book form. There are decisions and choices...many choices...what font, what size, what templates, what about the cover, the book size, design and many more. What will we have for supper? Should I have the biopsy Surgery or no surgery? Can I wake up from the anesthesia? Can I live through a procedure that big? Can I survive and function afterward with part of the lung gone? How will I manage when I first come home? How can we afford this? Will the function test show that I can tolerate any of it? We will know very soon. The growth rate of the tumor is not allowing me to wait to decide. I wanted to get my book out. If the function test is good enough they will still do a total body scan to see if it is only the 4 we know of, or there is no use in going through all of this at all. Every time the do an x ray they find a tumor. They checked on the broken rib and there is the one under the aorta. They check a vertebrae and now this one that is really growing.... and so on.


I have been trying so hard. There are no words to tell how difficult it can be and how desperately tired I get. There is no way to say how difficult it is, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Now is the time that I have to make the right decisions. I want to be there for my children and grandchildren. I want to see them grow up and know me. I want to hold that little hand in mine and feel the magic in the touch filled with the love of a child. I do not want to go. I want to share laughter and love and good times with my family and be there for my angelboy. I don't want to go...Not today. I want to reach out to the world and make a difference.



It seems unimaginable to share such thoughts with so many people that I have never met. I have to say what a wonderful and inspirational outpouring of love, care, and sharing there has been from so many. I want to thank each and everyone one of you because you cared. I want you to know that it makes a difference. You have made a difference. I want to thank you for the kind words, cares, prayers and messages. Pray that God grants me the wisdom to choose wisely, the strength to endure and the courage to face the future and the blessing of life for another day.

September 11, 2010

I have been so tired. Mom is doing better and has been transferred from the ICU to a room. Tuesday they will do another function test and then make a decision if I am strong enough to have the surgery. I will try to keep writing. I know there are so many with problems and hardships and I hope that we all can keep hope, keep faith and never give up.

We have not got the biopsy results yet. I think that if it was good news they would have called me but want to wait and talk to the other specialists and then talk to me in person. We kind of knew that going on. We have no idea about the surgery. It has risks....big risks....I may decide to just try to keep on keeping on. I may decide to give it a try. You can not understand what it feels like to make such choices, but life is not always easy. Mom is doing a lot better for the shape that she is in. At her best she only has 30 percent of heart function now. It is hard. She knows what is going on and so does daddy.

September 27, 2010 ·

Well....mom is stable now and that was the good news....the other is that the tests are done...the biopsy showed that it is malignant and not in a good operable location. This is not good....but I am not going to give up

October 5, 2010 ·

Today I had good news and then some other news. I will probably be going through with the surgery soon....and today I got the proof for the book that I wrote and approved it. They already have it available at the one web site and will have at two others in about 3 weeks. It may be some time before it is available in local bookstores but I will work one step at a time.

I loved the feeling I had as I held my book in my hands. It was like holding a dream and feeling there was hope. The emotions I had during that time of life are beyond words. I did try to find words so that others having difficult times could know they are not alone and to never give up but there were times I was so close to feeling no hope for myself.

The worry for my mother was intense as she battled congestive heart failure and some other problems. It seems that problems never come one at a time. I guess I can think of those times a challenges.

It seemed as if every heart beat the tumors were growing and in such a bad location that it could easily become inoperable if we waited. The problem was that if I was not strong enough to survive the surgery........

At that point they refused to do the surgery. I pleaded but the answer was that the doctor would not do something he thought might either kill me or leave me a vegetable on life support.. He was right but I was desperate.

October 15, 2010 ·

I am feeling so much better. I still get tired and have been busy doing treatments 4 X a day but it is working. We will find out next Friday if it is enough.

October 25, 2010 at 8:55am

I hope to find out today what they decide can be done. Last night was a long one. My husband and I talked of many things...we had to make some decisions either way. Everyday I have to wait the cancer is growing at a rapid rate. The sooner I go in for surgery may also be the last day that I have. Those are some intense thoughts.

October 26, 2010 ·

I said that I would keep writing and I am trying. I have one thing I need to decide today. Should I go ahead and go crazy? I would not have far to go. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude but sometimes I think I am positively going to shatter into a million little pieces. Too many things going round and round in my head and too tired to find a way to stop them long enough to sort them out. Oh well, I will write on my notes, blogs, Fan Page and take them one at a time.

October 21, 2010

 

Last night was not a bad night but it was a long night. Thoughts would not quiet allowing the peaceful sleep that refreshes. Thoughts flew round and round and the hours slowed down to a crawl. It is not daylight yet but the new day is near.



Tomorrow I go for another pulmonary function test to see if they can perform the surgery without leaving me on a ventilator. Part of me is eager to begin the long recovery. The other part fears what could be. I want a chance to live life to the fullest doing and sharing so many things.



I want to step out and watch the sunrise of a new day breathing in the fresh sweet smell of the morning dew. I want to see the sky color as the new day begins. I want to feel the touch of my grandson's magic hands as we start new adventures and share special times.



My precious grandson hugged me last night and spoke as he gazed directly into my eyes. "Mamaw, I'm gonna hug you forever and ever and love you and never let you go." Now, there is the medicine that can make a weak heart strong and a tired old woman like me work to live and get hugs and love forever and ever.



His hands are magic. I told him that they were. I have problems with my hands and they often ache and hurt and often swell. That is odd because the sensory mechanism of touch seems like a delayed response. I am loosing the feeling in both hands. I can not feel when I type now or hot when I am cooking until later when it is too late and I am already burned. The tests show the loss of feeling but they do not know why or what to do. If you can not fix it I am not going to run up more bills. Even with all of that, my bones hurt. It is not a small pain but one that becomes a part of you as your hands and feet twist and swell.



A look of concern crossed his small face as he stood beside me. For one so young he is extremely sensitive. He has concern and compassion that knows no bounds. I explained that my hands hurt. He gently placed his little hand on mine as he slowly and gently rubbed watching me the whole time. "Did that help, Mamaw? Did it make it feel better?"

The look of concern and love on his small face touched this old heart as tears welled in my eyes and it did feel better and it made me smile. I told him that and he smiled brightly. "I really do have magic in my hands." Now, every so often he uses his magic hands to make me feel better.



My daughter smiled as she had some memory of long ago about who knows what, that I had told her as a child. "Mom, why do you tell him he has magic in his hands? He will believe you." We did not realize that he had returned and was listening.



"Because it is true. He has so much love in his heart and his hands that it is magic. When he reaches out to rub my hands and ease my pain ...it is with love and....Love is magic and it works wonders. Love makes the whole person feel better, the pain hurts a little less and the day so much brighter. That is magic. Yes, he has magic hands, he surely does," She had to agree.



I have had so many thoughts of so many things. I have thought about my writing, the things I have written and things I am writing and things I want to write. I think of the paintings I am doing and the sketches and pictures I want to add to the children's books. There are so many things that I want to do and then I am tired.



I want to write all of the things from my heart for each of my loved ones. I want to always be there for them even if it is in a letter. I want to share thoughts and memories from the past and dreams for the future. I need to know that I have a chance for a future. I have to admit that I am filled with stress and apprehension. I wish that I could have the surgery and be on my way to a recovery, then I think of what else might be. I need to put it in the Lord's hands and trust things will work out. I will try. I will be back to write more soon.



I am not afraid to die....Just not today.

As I looked back at posts I made through the years I wanted to share hope that no matter how difficult things may be we can not give up. There is hope and even in the darkest times we can find so many things to be grateful for.

What I found was too much to put in a blog. I had said it was developing into more of a book than a blog and that is so true. There was too much that is too intense to repeat. What I see and feel so much, is a gratitude for the doctors who work so hard and try so hard to help. I have been blessed with doctors that not only a very good at what they do but care about their patients.

My husband has not been so blessed in so many ways. I think we are lucky he lived through much of it. He just went through a surgery to repair some of the damage from when he fell and fractured his skull 2 years ago. When you see someone so mistreated or lack of treatments, it breaks your heart and is so frustrating. The doctor he was finally referred to that did the reconstruction is wonderful. Dr. Woodward did not hesitate to help him and make his life so much easier. A talented doctor who cares about those who come to him in need. It is a shame it took two years before anyone would refer him.

All of that makes me even more grateful for the care and doctors who have done so much for me.

When they told me of a mass under the aorta we did not know how long I would have to live but I am still here. It is not gone but every day really is a blessing.

When they found cancer and I lost much of my left lung we did not know if I would even wake up but I am here and still going. The lung specialist is still taking care of me and looking after me. Dr. Sifford does so much for so many. The man is an amazing doctor but more than that,.....he cares. I met him when we had no insurance and no way to pay for a doctor when we needed one.

He referred me to Pro Med of Jonesboro and Greg Brooks for oxygen. What I got was more than that. All there are caring and supportive people who never fail to help when they can. When you need medical supplies it makes such a difference when they show such dedication to their clients and really care.

I will wait for another day to share the present as I think how thankful I am to be blessed with so many praying and showing support. When I think of the doctors trying and working so hard to give me more tomorrows it warms my heart and gives me hope. When I think of the love and friendship of so many I smile and the tears are no longer filling my eyes are replaced with knowing I am not alone.

Every day is special. I am working my best to do the book I feel inspired to do combining my art and words, thought and feelings, and hope for not only myself but others. This is one of the things I will review for my own life but there are so many others.

 

Today Is The Day

             I posted this pictures asking what would Today Is The Day mean to you. I have heard so many responses and each different. When I thought of it my feelings were not those of hope filled with the beauty of life. I had begun to feel hopeless and tired. When I say tired, it is more than a lack of sleep. When I say tired, it is an immense feeling through and through. I have hurt so long with no way to escape the constant pain. I have tried to adapt and adjust and find ways to go forward and find meaning in life. In the last few years I have survived cancer, heart issues and even more than that. I began to feel tired.

            When I wrote the book telling the story of part of my life called I will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life is a Journey    ( US    http://www.amazon.com/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=la_B004PVDVR4_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412205803&sr=1-3     and UK   http://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Give-Today-Life-Journey-ebook/dp/B00730UT6A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1412205856&sr=8-3&keywords=linda+nance   I  intended to not just tell about my life or things I had done or plan to do. I wanted to share the thought that as hard as life can become, we can not give up. There may be so much beauty and happiness ahead we would miss if we fail to find ways to reach out in life. I still believe that and have been delighted at the responses to the book. I wanted to write something that could reach beyond the pages and touch or help others. I wanted to be able to use words to share life and created hope.

            That brings me back to this post Today Is The Day. I had said so many times that I would not give up....not today, but had begun to question if that day was near. Is Today the day????? It is not a suicidal thought but one of lost hope. I have worked most of my life to overcome problems and try to go forward in life. I have worked very hard to not just be alive but to live life the best that I can. I do have some health issues to deal with. I do not have to do anything but quit working so hard to keep going and find my health declining.

            Living every hour in pain takes a toll. I finally was able to find a doctor who prescribed medication to help but the pain is still unending. I think of my beautiful grandsons and children and see the trees beginning to change color and realize what a wonderful world and precious life this is.

            I recently had a procedure done to block the pain in a portion of my back that radiates all the way down to my foot. I have to admit I was afraid. When you deal with nerves and the spinal cord there are so many things that can go wrong. My foot still has broken bones that after being pinned re-broke. My bones are now too fragile to hold the pins. Every step has been with pain and even sitting resting, it often throbs.

           I had been warned that the procedure was painful and it was. What happened after that amazed me. I did have some numbness down the leg as if it was partly asleep but I did still have feeling and could tell if it was being touched but I felt no pain. My back in that area was not hurting, my leg did not have the terrible cramps and pain and even more than that.....my foot did not hurt. For 14 years I have lived with the pain in my foot. It did not hurt. I must have appeared unhinged as I sat moving it back and forth watching it and even thumped it on the floor. My husband looked concerned and asked if I was alright.

            I had to smile and laugh saying “Oh yes. I am more than alright. It does not hurt. I can not believe it. It does not hurt.”

            I know there are many more procedures to go and there are no guarantees but I have hope. I do not hope to be fully healed and young and healthy because I know that is not to be. I hope to be able to enjoy the wonderful people and times in this life. I hope to be able to make a difference and do many things. I hope to be able to share the love of those around me.

            Yesterday is gone and will never be again. Tomorrow is not yet here but Today is the day..... May we live for today, learn from yesterday and look forward to tomorrow with hope and joy in our hearts.

            Today Is The Day....... yes it is. Every new day is the day to remember we can do so many things if we do not give up....not today.

 I love to use my water color paintings to be able to add words to share....

I Can Do It A Summer Adventure In Writing

It has been an amazing day. My grandson and I plan to write a book together. He has some fantastic ideas and actually complex story lines and characters. I want it to be more. I want this to be our little adventure with writing and learning. I think one of the most important aspects of learning is the ability to learn to think. We can memorize many things. We can read and we can listen. We can learn. We also need to think about all of those things. To be able to use the things we learn, to do something we desire to do or accomplish that something special that has alluded us, is bringing learning into a new light of utilization of acquired skills and knowledge. We need to expand from accepting all we hear, to thinking about what we hear and learning from life.

Much of this day has been discussing. He agrees with me and wants to learn as much as possible and make the book we do together, something special. We can only do that by work. We will have to work to learn many things. We will have to work with ideas and learn to develop them.We will have to think and create.

We discussed his school, teachers, and classes. Whenever I read the little book I wrote called The Pumpkin Field, we always end up talking about many things. We discuss their thoughts, ideas and it goes on from there. Some tell of the their fears such as the fear of darkness and we see how the story helps us to understand those things. We almost always talk about writing. When they ask me about writing the book I see such excitement and enthusiasm. We talked about writing and the last class did a whole class project with them writing their own stories.

As we talk there and at home, one point I ask is about when they learn their spelling words, their definitions of words and what words really are? “You may think that you study your spelling words to get a good grade and that is correct but there is another reason you may not know yet.... you will one day.”

They always ask what it is that they do not know about their own spelling words and at times the teacher looks curious about what I might be getting to in the discussion. “What you learn here in school is wonderful and we all need good grades but there is more. What you learn here is a gift that will last a life time. Your teachers are doing more than teaching you the words, they are helping you how to learn. Teachers give you the gift that lasts all of your lives. The things you learn now will be with you forever.”

We discuss many other things and always have such a good time. Today with my grandson, we reviewed somethings we had already learned and discussed new ideas. We talked about what kind of stories we want to write. We talked about characters and also not using other people's ideas and characters. He does love Iron Man. I even explained copyright about what we write and create including what you see on television. Our story will have to come entirely from our own imagination.

I told him anything worth doing is worth doing well and also worth working as hard as we can. He agreed we will spend this time not only doing a book but learning about books, words and many things we can use to write.

I am not going to go into every detail here but thought about keeping a journal of the study pages, discussions, topics and ideas as we go. I think I will see if I can work it into book form to help other children learn to write or just have a joy and being able to create with words.

I still plan to have a small group of children who are interested in writing with a group of their own. We can have our writers group and the junior group too at different times. I thought about doing a workshop with them if there ever was such an interest. Right now I am excited about what we are doing together, grandson and grandma. He calls me MaMaw.

As I discussed all of this with him he frowned and mentioned it might be nice to have a book so that other kids could make their books too. “Can you teach them and help them with a book?”

“I guess I could, but it would take a lot of work.” He smiled at me as I smiled in return, thinking of how I might be able to do this and him at the same time.

With that big grin on his face he told me we needed a cover for our notebook. It could be the cover for the book to learn to write and then we will have to do our book.

I reviewed some of the vocabulary I wanted him to remember. I asked him if he remembered what a protagonist was. “Sure I do. That’s the one the story is about.”

I then mentioned that the main character would be the protagonist and asked if he remembered how to spell protagonist. He thought for a moment and I could see his little lips move as he silently sounded it out and spelled it perfectly. We did a few other words and definitions including talking about how he could use these things. He asked me why he could just not call them people instead of protagonists. I explained the story might have a main character that was an animal or maybe even an alien. By using the proper term we can more easily understand each other. We lean new things all the time and in school they are always learning new words. Think how limited life would be if we only learned a little and never learned any more. Words can open a whole world and echo through the ages of time.

As I write this blog I am sure now that I will make a book/workbook about writing for young people. Zander is 8 years old and he constantly amazes me. We never know what we can do until we try and then keep trying and learning. As we work to learn and write our story I can also share that experience. It is an exciting time for me and Zander. He has always said that one day he was going to write his own story in his own book with his MaMaw, and the time is right.  We can do it.

I Confess but I Will Explain

I am going to confess and tell what all has been really going on. I can only do this a little at a time and sometimes a line at a time. I am limited at how long I can sit here at the computer and typing is difficult.

Many of you know about my husband's accident. Many know some of my health issues, especially those who have read my nonfiction book, I Will Not Give UP...Not Today...Life Is A Journey. viewBook.at/B00730UT6 Raw emotion finding words for things so real and emotional that the tears ran down my face as I wrote and remembered is a part of that book. I did cry as I wrote this at times. There were other times it made me smile with the memories.

I know I am rambling and maybe getting off track but if I confess honestly, my mind is wandering these days in many directions and at times in directions filled with dark hopeless feelings of despair.

My writing in this document may not be the best in punctuation, sentence structure or editing. I will not even try to edit this. It is not a literary creation but a confession and explanation from a mind that is distraught and confused. Until the blood pressure goes back down it is also at times limited in many ways.

Since I mentioned the book about my life I will tell somethings that are in there and some others from before and after that period. I did not write it to tell about my life but with the hope that others might find a way as I did to believe and hope and never give up even when things are so hard or painful in life.

I was born with a spinal deformity, missing one and a half vertebrae in the lumbar region. That causes a rocking motion that can put pressure on the spinal cord causing severe pain and even loss of use in the legs. I was in back braces and had pain medication. My family had good insurance and I was young and thought I could do whatever I put my mind to.

I studied many things medical and had an interest in that field. I decided to work to make the muscles as strong as possible in the back. I have always had problems with that area but managed to be able to do most things everyone else does. Most people never realized I even had a problem. When it did hurt, I would sit in the floor cross legged and slowly bend forward stretching the lower spine and feel relief.

As the years progressed they told me that I had a degenerative bone and connective tissue disease. They said there is no cure and offered counseling. That hit me hard as my Grandmother had that problem. She also had several surgeries for brain tumors. As the spinal column deteriorated she became a prisoner in her own body living in pain. She could think and feel but not even get up. On day she turned her head and died.

Depression can kill you in one way or another. It can either take away your life or take the life you have, as you do not really live while you are still alive. That may sound confusing but so is that state of mind. I think we have to be able to live life and look to a future with hope and determination. I think we have to be able to believe in a future to live our future and be alive each day we have.

I have been working with my art and words saying many things. I really believe the things that I say about hope for tomorrow.

When I tell you how close I was to loosing hope.... loosing all hope …...that is a confession that is one I never thought I would say.

I told about the back and the past because it so greatly affects the present too. I have a rare endocrine disorder we have to be extremely careful with many things such as anesthesia, bug spray, antihistamines and many other things. Novocaine to fill a tooth can kill me. Zylocaine is fine. It is rare enough, even some in the medical fields had never run across it and ignore what you tell them. We found it by accident when I had an anesthesia and reacted to it. The reaction was to die on the table and end up on life support with no breathing response. They even had me speak to a small group of doctors telling what it was like. They were amazed that I could quote conversations that took place in the operating room when I was being resuscitated. If your heart will not beat on it's own and someone has to breathe for you.... are you dead? If you are not, you are not far from it. It is hard to find words to tell of such feelings but I used that experience to try and bring realism to one of my short stories in the book A Tale To Tell. The story is Watch What You Wish For viewBook.at/B007ESJ49Y Some of these stories tell more than a story to share when the hour is a little spooky some may be haunted in memory

If you follow me on twitter @LindaJNance you may recognize that as one of the tweets I post about the book. Now you know why I said it that way. It is fiction, but in many parts inspired by memories.

By now you may think I am just advertizing my books but this is so much more complex than selling books. The books are something more than something I published to sell. They are a part of me and something I worked to create. I wanted them to be special in many ways, each and every one in it's own way. The topic of my books is something that I take very seriously and it means a lot to me. I do want to feel they are of some worth to others. When I had the free pro mos I had thousands downloaded but in a busy world have no idea if they have been read or will be read one day. I do want to feel as if they have more than dollar worth.

When I was in a head-on collision My body was broken. I know how lucky I am to have lived. I did write about that. If you do not believe in miracles, you would have if you had lived that time with me. The car motor crushed in and pinned my foot to the floorboard of the car crushing the foot and breaking it in 6 places. That may sound bad but it is all that kept me from going through the windshield out onto the road. As the car spun it flung me like a rag doll smashing my face and head into the windshield, my chest and arms into the dash, breaking and cutting me beyond recognition. The windshield broke into tiny squares of glass and my face raked across it. The bleeding was massive.

I tell all of this because things from our past can haunt our present in many ways. The bones in the foot had to be pinned. One joint and half of the other had to be removed. With the delicate condition of the bones the pin in one of the breaks did not hold. The bone was too fragile and re-broke. Every step I take is on that foot. They sewed my hands back and they healed beautifully but do hurt. Arthritis is setting up everywhere.

These things have come to mind even more as these last days have been so painful in so many ways. I use an anti-inflammatory to keep the swelling down and help keep me going. This may sound impossible with all of the steroids and modern medicine we have, to use aspirin such as BC powders but I do. It also works as a blood thinner.

I had been on steroids for the back and these other things and to help breathing and in massive doses when I was in critical condition with respiratory distress. I gained over a hundred pounds. They said weight gain was normal but it is not normal to have to live in a body you do not feel is even human and even less normal to have to endure the problems excessive weight gain causes. I also have an irregular heart beat that can kick out blood clots. I was told I would have to take blood thinners or risk a heart attack or stroke. My mother, father and grandfather were the same way. My mother had so many problems with the blood thinners and father quit taking his. Aspirin is a blood thinner and I had to use a lot of aspirin with the problems I was living with. For over 20 years I have been making it with my old fashion aspirin. I will mention that when I ran out of the Bcs for extended periods of time I had problems arise with blood clots. It may be coincidence that I managed so long without problems except when I was off the medication with the aspirin.

We should never underestimate simple things that can offer good results but also never forget that they are real. When I was in the ambulance I could no longer see but heard the paramedic asking if I was on drugs....any drugs. I told him no. I do not and never did use drugs. He kept asking if I was taking any drugs and I remembered the thyroid I have to take.

I drifted away and could not hear him. All was quiet and time stopped. I then heard him talking to someone saying he thought this would be a bleed out and he did not know if we would make it to the hospital. The word bleed-out kept echoing in my mind and then it hit me....drugs???? BCs, aspirin...bleed-out, and was able to say BCs.

As the weeks and months and years passed I managed to not only survive but see so many ways my life was blessed. If I ever doubted it, all I had to do is look at the grandchildren and children as they are like a ray of sunshine and hope. Another thing I love is writing. I wanted to be able to write and bring the characters and scenes to life. I wanted to be able to used words on a page to help share feelings, thoughts, and make the stories come to life.

I tell all about those things and more in the book and even going back to school to help me improve what I was so determined to accomplish. I may have problems doing many things but I could try and not give up with my writing.

When it came time I wanted to hold a book in my hand, the process of getting published was one I needed to learn and start working to accomplish. I went to the library and studied all I could and got online too. I started submitting query and synopsis of Journey Home when I got sick. I got so very sick. I coughed so hard I broke a rib. The x-rays showed pneumonia and more. It showed a mass under the aorta. That is not a good spot. Under the aorta and over the heart there is no room for growth and it was growing.

The prognosis was death. I was advised to make whatever arrangements I need to take care of. I told of all that in the book too. It was a time that left you feeling numb. I felt many things but too many to name here. The growth has almost stopped but it is still there.

I did not want to wait and started to consider self publishing. I did not want the things I had written to die with me. I wanted to reach out and have something I thought of as special to live on and others to find pleasure and hope in. I had no idea how much time I had but looked at each day as a gift.

Before I could do much more I found out the growing had spread. I had tumors in the lung, in the arteries that supply the lung and right next to the lymph nodes. I had cancer. My options were limited. They said I might not survive the chemo or radiation and time was very limited. Every beat of my heart brought me closer to inoperable. The surgery had to be postponed at that point because I did not have enough lung function to survive the surgery. I would be left a vegetable on a respirator.

I had to see my story become a book. I had to hold it in my hands. I chose Createspace. I know there are dozens of companies and many wonderful options but I did not have time to try to work things out. They worked with me. When they say they will help you, I not only knew so little about computers and the internet it would amaze you but did not even understand many of the terms and had no time to learn them. They talked me through it. Their patience was amazing. When talking to me, by then there were times that I would become unable to talk or understand as the oxygen lever was getting lower.

I got online and set up a facebook page. You may hear many stories about the bad things encountered on the internet and I am sure they are true and even more but I have to tell you about what I found. I found friends. I found people of such heart and caring attitudes who offered their support, best wishes and even prayers that it touched me to the heart and I will never forget. Family and friends, near and far, in person and online gave more to me than words can tell.

Before I went in for the surgery I held that book in my hand and cried. I cried tears of joy and hope.

These are all ramblings of the past but there are times that the past can come back to haunt in more than one way. The next book I published was Journey Home. It was actually the first Novel I wrote and I love that book. Who, what and why were questions with no answers but the future and the past were soon to meet with deadly consequences http://viewBook.at/B0054GLX92

I wanted each of my books to be special from cover to cover and all that was inside. The first one I used a photo I had taken many years before that wraps completely around to the back with a sunset. Seeing the car lights of travelers reminded me of the story as the family had to relocate starting a new life and seemed perfect.

With Journey Home I decided to use one of my paintings. I even post some of them as I worked on them on the new fan page I had set up. After all that work the one I decided on was one with special sentimental attachment. I had done the painting for my father-in-law before he passed. I wanted to share the things from my heart that were so much a part of me. I wanted to share my writing and my art.

I lived each day not knowing how many more I would have. I was obsessed to accomplish as much as I could and leave something behind that my family, friends, children and others who might have a chance to read my words could enjoy and become a part of. I did not want to die feeling alone and isolate. I was very isolate in physical person as I could not easily go anywhere. There was the illness, pain, sickness, cancer, surgery and then even after all of that there was the recovery from it was so painful and debilitating. Just being alive was work. At first I felt as if the tube for the oxygen was my life line. I had to have it to live. As the days and weeks passed it became more of a leash that offered another reason I could not go or do what ever it was..... I could not just jump in the pool or lake and swim out in the refreshing water. I could not dive down feeling the cool water caress over my face. I could not go many places or do many things. We had to buy the bottles of oxygen for me to leave the house at all even to go out back.

With no insurance that can be a problem. There are the meds for blood pressure and heart, thyroid, BC's and then the oxygen for the machine at the house and bottles to go out. We were making it though and little by little I did go out at times. I started the writers group here in town to help others make their dreams come true too. I am no expert on anything but together we have done amazing things. Each person helping one another is fantastic. Each member of the group is so special.

I extended it to a facebook group page and am so delighted hearing from writers all round the world sharing information and their projects. I continued to work on the fan page, writers group page and set up the blog....this blog. I did not know what I was doing and still don't but wanted it to be something real.

I called it More Than Just A Story In A Book because each of my books is that. One day I hope to have the time to really talk about the stories and all that is in each one. I think the blog is that too. This blog is more than the stories and the books. I write a lot about what I write, because it is so important to me. I have tried to put so much in these stories and tried to bring them to life with emotion and content using words on a page. I also have shared me. I have shared more me since I got online than I would ever have dreamed of. It is not that I am so sure my life is so interesting but I am still alive. I am still trying to live each day and look for something beautiful and find hope.

It sure is taking me a long time to get to my confession but it is hard for me to admit that I came so close to giving up. I felt so hopeless. All I have to do it to quit trying. I have enough health problems if I don't take the medicine, use the oxygen, and try....... How can a person work so hard and try if they feel totally worthless and helpless? How can they keep trying if all seems lost?

You may wonder how I can go from looking for something beautiful and never giving up to having a thought cross my mind to write another book titled Time To Give Up....Today is the Day....Life Is Over.

I told before about my husband's devastating accident. There has been more going on. They released him too soon. I have never heard of anyone going straight from ICU to home in a little over 48 hours from the time they fell fracturing their skull with a brain bleed even if it had stopped for several hours. He was still on Ivs. His doctor released him because he said he was feeling better and wanted to go home. He would tell them anything to go home. He felt panicked he would never get well unless he did, because they kept waking him up. They did that to make sure he could still wake up. He thought the pain meds were the reason he could not stay awake and could not understand that at that time his brain was bleeding in three places from the fracture at the back it was putting pressure even on the front of the brain.

He made it until that evening ranting about the pain and unable to even keep water down. The ER readmitted him and the same doctor released him a day and a half later. We were on our own. I could not just watch him die but he got confused and the pain had him pacing and constantly demanding to find a way to make it stop in his head and back. I rubbed everything. Soon his legs and even his feet hurt. His back had the impression from the concrete imbedded in it from the impact of his fall.

He had lost his sense of taste so refused to eat saying it was my fault. Everything I cooked had no taste. If I would just put some seasoning in it..... I tried everything and cooked all different things. Eventually I did get him to eat but it had been long enough it was one bite at a time. He had gone from 155 pounds to 119.

My daughter did all that she could but she works to support her son and take care of her family too. She came every day but the bottom line was that I was here and if I could not find a way to help him I thought he would die.

In addition to him being constantly angry with me he demanded I get Danny done. He was so enthusiastic about it I had found hope and joy that he cared about something so important to me too. He has been so supportive of me and even took me to each of the writers group functions.

We had and have no income during this time. I tried to keep a positive out look but was hurting more than words could describe myself and so very tired. I kept working and trying and taking care of him even if he got angry.

With no insurance and no income even with family trying to help I watched as the shelves got bare and the freezer was more empty. I forgot to check our gas tank. We had snow predicted when someone coming in to visit happened to check and see it was on '0'. I can not leave the oxygen machine and we were running out of gas to heat.

I began to feel as if I was in a nightmare and needed to wake up and see it was really only a dream. We were running out of food and no way to heat. We had no money or income and the family had no way of helping.

I found an agency that helped us to get gas but we had to get there to fill out the papers. We did. A local church called Happy Trails Cowboy Church was so very generous helping with food and our church Pilgrim Lutheran has been there emotionally and also helping so we would not loose our vehicle insurance so Albert would have a way when able to go back to work.

Friends and family are helping all they could. Another friend in the writers group not only bought food but cooked enough I had meals for days.

Even with all of that day by day things are so difficult. I did not have the money for my prescriptions. I began to ration them using half the prescribed doses.

I do understand that with a severe head injury it can affect a person's thinking and even their personality. My daughter mentioned Albert did not seem like the same person. He was not the same person as the one that was so supportive and loved to do things with the grandchildren. It was becoming something fearful. He seemed as if he could become violent and above all else he hated me. Nothing I did was right. Whatever was wrong was my fault. You could not talk to him. His anger was all there was left. He did still want me to get Danny done and published. He demanded it and I was happy he still cared about it.

The day before I was going to upload the file to make it a book he announced it was all over. He had decided that all my writing was totally worthless and an waste of time. It was over and done. I was so shocked and hurt that at first I could not talk at all.

I explained how much it meant to me. There was so much I could not do in life but what I wrote was part of my heart and soul. It was my way to reach out and not just be sick, crippled, alone to die. If I had to give up on all of that and the things that I love I was giving up on being alive.

He calmly and coldly looked at me and said, “Get real. How much do you make in dollars and cents? Your books are worthless and your writing is a waste of time. It is over and there is no reason to keep the internet either.”

I already knew we would not be able to stay on the internet much longer until he was well enough to go back to work or a miracle made the books best sellers overnight...even that would be too late for now. I thought when I could not afford the internet and we had to cancel it, I would continue to write and when things got better I would be back. Until then, if I visited somewhere I could get on and say hello.

I have heard from people all around the world about my books and some of the other things that I write. There is a school in England that read the children's book in their school and contacted me saying wonderful things. There have been others that have thanked me for the story I Will Not Give Up saying it helped them. There have been many that used the coloring books pages I posted on the fan page with their children or classes in school. They are not for sale. They are free for the children but does that make them worthless? I had free promotions for each of the other books and gave literally thousands away free. I do not know how many have had time to read them yet other than those I have heard from. It is a busy world but I have had some wonderful responses.

There is no charge to read this blog, but is it worthless? Even though my mind understands head injuries, my heart had taken almost all the hurt it could stand. My body hurts so much. Now the fluids around the heart and lungs is almost more than I can function with. My legs and feet as so swollen the skin stretch so thin it blistered and broke in several places. Everything on me hurts.

Something inside of me was dieing right then. The tears ran down my face but I had no words. I felt empty and lost. I felt alone. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and there was no hope. I did not call my family or friends because there was nothing they could do. How could anyone give me back heart and hope when your own husband hates you and screams how worthless you are?

You did though. You all here did. You have no idea what you did and are doing right now. You are posting tweets for Danny and posting sites and the book on pages and so many places. You are posting and tweeting hope and dreams to keep us alive and living instead of feeling alone, helpless and filled with despair. You are not selling a book but saving a friend in a dark and desperate time of life.

I believe in the book. Albert did too before he broke his head. We both think that although it is fiction, it is one not to be forgotten and special. I wanted to try to write it realistically enough you knew the people, could feel the pain, fear, and see them. I wanted it to be one of a kind.

So many people.... I have not and can not sit here for very long. This is taking days to write. But day after day you did not forget me. You take all this time to help in so many ways. You show and tell care, prayers, and well wishes. Each and every comment, tweet and post touches me so much. There are no words to say how much all you have and are doing means to me. I am not going to give up. I am not going to give up writing or trying or living. There is a lifeline that has helped me through a dark and dangerous time in life and it is you....all of you.

I have so many more Novels in my mind. I have more words I want to share and paintings I want to paint. I can see that now, because of what you all did and are doing. I want to keep using words to create and share.

I can hardly wait to hear from those who read Danny. I can only hope I have accomplished what I tried to do with the story and the book.

With more help from family I am able to get the medications refilled and today will be back on full doses. It will take some time to get back up and around. I am using the nebulizer machine breathing treatments. I am stopping in as often as I can and see all you are doing and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I confess I almost gave up. You did not let me.

The swelling in Albert's brain has decreased and it is like a miracle. Part of his hearing is returning and he can taste food a little better. Better than that, he seems unaware of how intensely aggressive and angry he had been. He asks me how Danny is doing and seems pleased about the books and writing again.

We will still be off line soon but I will not be gone. I will be alright and who knows what all I might be able to write and share when I get back.

I could not do a real book launch for Danny as much as I love the book and story. I could not talk about it, do interviews or share some insights to the different things within the story but will one day.

With so much help, support, and effort from so many I think of this as the launch that never ends. Every time I think of the book I will remember all that is being done to help me. Every time I think of the book I will remember to never give up. What a launch this is to give back to me more than promotion of a book but promotion of living life and not giving up. What better thing to share than love and care and a helping hand offered asking nothing in return but from the heart. This is the launch that will never end as I will always remember all that you all have done.

I may have rambled on telling all of those things from the past but the past seemed to come so intensely to the present to haunt and overwhelm me. I could see no way to find the light of the day instead of darkness and despair. It was more than one thing that finally made me feel like giving up. I came so close. I was ready to leave this life. All I have to do is quit trying.

Now I know I can not give up. The good Lord has more for me to do. I may not know what I am supposed to do, but will keep trying to do my best each day.

Thank you seems so inadequate.....but I do. I thank you.

You all did that for me. You gave me hope. You gave me heart. You touched a soul.

This took me days to write. Please read and RT and share 'I Confess...But I Will Explain'.   I I wish all who are doing so much and helping could really know how much it means to me.           Thank you. Thank you all