Now that I do not feel as if I might not see the daylight each time I lay down to try and sleep, I can admit that I have been very sick. I have also been fighting depression. There are times it is so hard for me to be bright and happy and see the beauty all around me, when I felt so sick I could hardly sit up. When I fought with all the strength I had to keep living it was hard to smile. I will never be well and understand and accept that... but I am not dead.
I have always felt we should try our best in every day and every way. We all have problems, but look at the things we do have and how blessed we are in so many ways. If we might find what we look for, I need to look for hope and goodness and not dwell on sickness and suffering. That can be easier said than done, but I am trying.
I wrote the book I Will Not Give Up...Not Today... Life Is A Journey sharing so many things and a hope it might help others to never give up. There are times it helps me to never give up.
There are times that certain dates bring back emotions from things and times past. There are times, it seems as I get older, that the more people we loose from our lives the more lonely life can become....then...then I see how blind I can be at times.
There has been such an outpouring of love from so many here at home, family, friends and online there are no words to tell about it.
I can look back in time and remember. I can remember many little things. I see the old photos and remember the magic of waiting for Santa. I remember the family, grandparents, parents and many others smiling, laughing and so happy. I remember hanging ornaments that had hung on my Great Grandmother's trees, gently and with care.
I remember one year I went to see Santa and saw his beard was held on with elastic. That would take some explaining.
I remember a Christmas when I was a teenager that stands out. I do not recall what gifts I got that year. It was cold. The weather was getting nasty and the roads were getting slick. Cold and damp,icy winds blew. Our church had a list of what they called shut ins. Those are people who for what ever reason, were unable to get out and around. You may be shut in but should never be forgotten.
Our youth group had planned to go Christmas Caroling but the weather was so miserable. We were determined and demanded we try to make it on the icy roads. One after another we went to the houses with our breath plumbing out in the cold night air. When you saw the surprise on the faces and smiles all around, it did not feel as cold anymore.
One house seemed almost totally dark. We knocked and knocked and finally the door slowly opened. A fragile little old woman stood solemnly looking confused at the group of people before her. We started to sing and her face crumpled as tears streamed down her face. I was never shy and became very distressed that we had made her cry. I ran up the steps and placed my arm gently around her saying I was sorry. "We did not mean to make you cry. We want you to be happy."
It took a moment before she could respond in an emotion choked voice. "But that's why I am crying. I did not think anyone even remembered I am still alive. I have lost almost all of my family now as the years passed, and since I can not get around too good.... "
Emotion overtook her and most of our group too. She stood a little straighter and cleared her throat. "Please come in. I never dreamed I would have guests and I have nothing to give. Please tell me what I can give to you all."
I was relieved she had quit crying because I had joined her with my own tears. "If we can see you smile and you tell us your favorite song, we would love to visit and sing it for you."
"Silent Night. I think my favorite Christmas song is Silent Night." After she had said those words I remembered my grandmother telling me it was her favorite song. Every Christmas we would sing it together.
We sang many songs and visited before I asked her where she puts her tree.
"I don't have a tree. There is no one to see it anyway."
When we left her house, that haunted me. I talked to the other kids and told them she just had to have a tree. We all went home to get decoration donations and one boy knew they had a small tree they were not using since they got their big new one.
We made it back in record time and what a sight it was, seeing all of us determined to make Christmas come alive. We had decorations, cookies, candy and even eggnog. We were too young to realize the pain that can come with age and loss. We were excited and it seemed contagious as she began to giggle and smile. She declared it was the most beautiful tree she had ever seen. I told her she was and would never be alone because there are all of those who love her and she was with them in their hearts.
"That may be true, but most of the people I knew and loved are all gone now." A sadness seemed to spread over her face.
"They are not really gone...just gone ahead. Love never dies. It lives in our hearts."
She told us she would never again forget or hate Christmas and she loved her little tree.
There are times we never realize how much and how blessed we really are.
Holidays can bring happiness and smiles, laughter and cheers but it also can bring memories that leave a tear for one reason or another.
This time of the year I think of our niece and her daughter so often. A beautiful family gathered and wrapped their presents early and had a few more to go. The mom left for work as dad prepared supper for the three small children. Christmas would soon be there and there was so much love and joy.
Dec 14, 2009, A knock at the door changed their lives. An accident on the way to work took their mother and wife and our niece. Her gifts from loved ones sat under the tree. I will not go into the details of that Christmas. I will think and remember all of the love and laughter and smiles Teresa gave to us all.
https://www.facebook.com/notes/linda-nance/teresa/231513392504
Dec 23, 2011..... The daughter of Teresa had been challenged through most of her life with juvenile diabetes. She never gave up and was such an amazing child. Her determination and confidence were impressive. She did more than talk about what someday she would be or do. She did and lived and everyday touched the lives of all who knew Her. On Dec 23 she left this world. When you see a young person so filled with life and then..... she is gone.... but she is with us always. Just as I had told the woman so many years ago..... I could now better understand even my own words.
This is what I wrote then http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2011/12/letter-to-heaven.html
This is so odd. As I was writing this, little Mackenzie was leaving this life behind and we had no idea. http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2011/12/silent-night.html
To all of those loved ones who have gone on ahead we hold you in our hearts with love. May God grant us the peace and healing to find joy and know there is hope in life. May we see the smiles and feel the warmth of our loved ones and know how blessed we really are. May we have eyes that see others to take the time and share a kind word or what ever we can do to make their day a little brighter or their Christmas one to remember. There may be Silence in the night but may there be peace in the heart.
