Mother's Day

Me and my mother...a few years ago

Happy Mother's Day to all.  I am going to try to do something special.  I am going to share some poetry on my blog today that I wrote long ago.  I was just telling a friend that one of them, I made up the music and actually sang it to my children when they were young. I had a porch swing and I often would sit with the baby in my arms and as I sang my little song they quieted and slowly drifted off to sleep. Maybe it was the song but then again, it might have been the swinging motion of the porch swing. I like to think it was my song....lol      Someday I may find a way to make a youtube with the little song.  I sang it for my grandson when he was small too.  The words can be changed at one point...   Your momma she loves you and your daddy does too... or... Your grandma she loves you and grandpa does too....or Uncle Bob and Aunt Mary or anyone there for the little one.  I really wish I could still sing but those years are long gone.

For all of the mothers and grandmothers and those who were like mothers to others I wish you happy Mother's Day here and everywhere.  Everyday should be mother's day and father's day that we never forget to say "I love you."

Instead of me telling you about them I will hope you find somethings special in the words as they are.....

Mother’s Day

My Mother and Grandparents

 Momma have we told you our hearts are filled with love,
We are grateful we belong to you and thank the Lord above?
Always you have sacrificed and given us your best.
Many are the times you’ve worked, so hard to give us rest.
And when we’re sick you comfort, your love and strength uphold.
Many of the times you give happiness are thought of but untold.

Now we want to take the time and speak straight from the heart,
But to say in words just why we love you would only be a start.
How can words explain the warmth of your mother’s comforting arms,
Or the quiet way her strength somehow protects us from all harms?
Can you explain the love of a family in times of growing and strife?
Can you explain the bond that exists as we walk our paths through life?

Sometimes we don’t measure up to the children we should be
Your faith is unfailing and you show how you care through the love you’ve shown to me.

Baby Says To Grandma

Grandma, I want to say so much, but in words Mom has to write.

Try as I may, the words I can’t say, but they shine in my eyes so bright.

Let me tell what a Grandma is, to a child as small as me.

She means joy and laughter and good times all, and all the love there can be.

Grandma’s somehow never seem to mind when our bottoms become so full,

And always forgiving the little things done, we know we shouldn’t do.

Grandma’s feed us good things to eat, tasting so good we delight.

Somehow things always taste much better, when Grandma feeds each bite.

Grandma holds us so gently, as we lay our heads to rest.

Grandma manages to love us some more, even days when we are a pest.

Grandma will tell you and Mom will to, I’m good as I can be.

They can see the love and warmth in my heart as I know that they love me.

Grandma’s are great as all little ones know, but you’re the greatest by far.

Happy Mother’s Day to my Grandma I say

I love you just as you are.

Happy Mother’s Day to Grandma

I love you.

By
Linda J. Nance

Momma Says

Ask me all of your questions, I’ll tell you no lies.
Bring me all of your problems and I’ll help you get by.
Your Momma, she loves you, your daddy does too.
We’ll stand strong together what ever we do.

The Lord he did bless us when he gave us this child,
This sweet tiny baby so precious and mild
He answered our prayers with this baby so small
The joy we now have fill the hearts of us all.

So bring me all of your questions, I’ll tell you no lies.
Bring me all of your problems and I’ll help you get by.
Your Momma she loves you and your Daddy does too.
We’ll stand strong together what ever we do.

Now my baby is growing, and getting so tall,
And soon will be walking in no time at all.
A walking and talking and shout with glee,
That baby is special, especially to me.
I wrote this poem and made up a tune to sing it as a lullaby to my babies
By Linda J. Nance

What Will This Day Bring??????

This is my watercolor painting I used to make the book cover

Today is the last day to get the ebook    I Will Not Give Up…Not Today…Life Is A Journey free.  I wanted this to be something special right before Easter.  It is my own story and I hope it helps others to hold onto hope and know that things can work out if we do not give up….if we do not give up…I think I will read that title over and over.  There are times in all of our lives that are difficult but we must find the strength to deal with so many different things.

I will admit that I have had a set back and have not been doing too well.  I know what I have to do and am working each day to get back on my feet.  That is a depressing thing to deal with.  Any chronic condition is one that may get better but will never go away….it is chronic.

Seeing the beautiful day outside the window you view the world from is often less of a comfort than a reminder of what used to be or could be or should be, but is not in life.  What is it that I look for out that window?  What am I looking for in life?

As I have pondered these things I remember why I wrote that book.  I wanted it to be something that could reach out to others.  I wanted it to be able to touch others and maybe make a difference.  I wanted to share hope.  I need to remember to have hope and courage and find the strength inside to be and do what I know is right.

When you talk about a chronic condition, it is a sad and fear filled thing to have congestive heart failure and the best that the heart can function is in the 30 something percent range.  If a person suffers something like that and multiple other problems including diabetes you worry….what is the future…what will tomorrow bring?

Yesterday the ambulance came and took my mother away to the hospital.  She is so pale.  This breaks my heart.  It has happened so many times before, and each time you never know if it is the last.  Each time I cry for my momma.  Easter is almost here…..

Most families have their issues to work out.  In life we have times that we do not understand what motivates some to act and do as they do.  Sometimes we have to stand our ground and stop being used and mistreated.  Sometimes we have to be able to find the strength to forgive and make peace.  Sometimes we have to stop being angry no matter how much we feel hurt or have been mistreated and just love or stand back.  They say that there is a time and place for all things. 

What ever the issues I might have with one or two family members… it is time to see and focus on what is important.

The love in my heart is what is important.  Finding a way to let my mother feel that love even as she is fighting for her life is important.  Finding a way to stop the tears that are running down my face is important…

I would write more but I will soon be contacting the hospital to see how things are going.  I wrote a book that shared my life and hope it might make a difference.  I am sharing this and more for the same….  I hope it helps someone somewhere who may be going through the same things or other things. 

Easter is almost here and I pray we will all be together this year too even if it is in the hospital visiting.

I am going to sit back and look through my own book.  It is not because I can not remember that far back or do not know what I wrote….  I will look at that book and remember I believe it to be true and I do not need to give up….Not today.

Me and my mother.....

I Will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life Is A Journey     US http://amzn.to/yf1tdZ  UK http://amzn.to/xcWxDd 

A LETTER TO HEAVEN

 Dec 23, 2013      Update.... It has been two years since we lost this precious child.  She is still with us in heart.  We lost her momma, we lost her, we lost my mother this summer and so many others, but still we smile with the memories of the joy they brought to all around them.


Mackenzie Beary, 11, of Finch Community died Friday, December 23 at her residence. She was born July 2, 2000 in Jonesboro to David and Teresa Beary. She was a 6th grader at Brookland Middle School and was a member of Central Baptist Church where she was involved with AWANA. She also enjoyed playing volleyball for the NEA Junior Olympics and snow skiing.


 When there is a young person like this who never gave up and reached out in the lives of so many she will live forever in my heart.  Diabetes is something that is not easy and this life was too short but she truly lived her life.


This is not the usual blog, but my blog is my voice to share so many things.  This is so much on my heart that I want to share it.  I wish that I could take this letter and place it in the hands of the little girl I wrote it for.  I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her we love her.  I said that I would write real and from the heart here and you can not get much more real than this. 

Right before Christmas we lost our niece in a tragic accident.  She left behind her two teenage sons and three small children.  She left behind a husband that loved her more than words could tell.  She left behind so many of us who will always keep her in our hearts.  We miss her so.  Teresa Beary will be missed by many.

Christmas was almost here again.  On Dec23 her little daughter died of a sudden illness.  Today is her visitation and tomorrow her funeral.  You can not imagine what a blessing she has been to all of us who knew her.  She …..Oh,…. how we will miss her.  I can not hold her, or hug her, or talk about her hopes and dreams.  So I write her a letter and I will share it here.

Dear Mackenzie,

            I had to write and tell you things that fill my heart.  I am so proud to say how special you are in so very many ways.

            Your years may be young but your insights and wisdom were so profound as you loved all around you.  Your ability to reach out to others caring, sharing, and inspiring was an example for others to aspire to achieve.

            Your physical beauty was breath taking with a smile that lights the room.  Your eyes sparkled and were filled with life and cheer.

            Your determination and confidence were impressive.  You did more than talk about someday you would be or do.  You did and lived and everyday touched the lives of all who knew you.

            Your courage and strength were exemplary as was your compassion for others.

            Your faith and conviction were pure and from the heart.  You did more than speak your beliefs, you lived your faith.  Such an example we might hope to achieve as we work and grow all of the years of our lives.  You were all of these things and more.

            There is no street address in heaven to send this so I’ll send it in a prayer.

            Are there angels that walk among us? This day I know for sure.  God gave us an angel and now he called you home.

            You live forever in our hearts. 

They have set up a fund for donations to help at the Liberty Bank in Jonesboro, Ar. for MacKenzie Beary.

SILENT NIGHT

SILENT NIGHT

‘Silent Night’ was my Grandmother’s favorite Christmas song.  When I hear the words it brings back wonderful memories and a silent sadness feeling the loss of the loved ones in my life.  The words, silent night instigate a mixture of thoughts and emotions.  The night may be silent because it is filled with peace, hope, and quite solitude.  It might be filled with silence because of loneliness, depression or even despair and hopelessness.  This is the time of year that can intensify emotions and memories.

Many people are busy buying all that they can to make the season bright and wonderful.  I do not believe that we can buy love or happiness.  I do think that if you can afford to buy what you desire, it can give you a wonderful feeling to give to others and be able to share something special with someone that you love.

Love is or should be the important thing.  There are so many people that are suffering hardship, misery, and pain.  It would be wonderful if we could reach out and magically make all things bright and wonderful filling the world with peace and love.  We have no such magic, but we do have magic of our own in each heart if we can find a way to bring it out.

If we take the time to care and share at this magic time of the year, we can make a difference.  It may be with a relative that has been sick or seemed down hearted and we take the time to visit or bring a box of cookies.  It could be helping a stranger.  It could be a wonderfully magic time watching the smiling faces of children as they find their brightly wrapped packages under the tree.  It could be sharing a few cans of food for the local food bank, a few coins or more if you could in the buckets as you hear the bells ring reminding you that this is the time of year you can make a difference.  Maybe you bought an extra toy to donate to those less fortunate.  You might let your own child take the toy in and feel a part of making the holiday special for someone less fortunate reminding them of how blessed and plentiful their own lives are and that we should never forget to reach out and help if we can.

Silent night may be a lonely night and a difficult time with sad memories.  I hear a lot of two kinds of thought.  You have those that are filled with the spirit of the season and smile with hope of peace and love and joy.  You also hear those who find comfort in the Scrooge syndrome of “Bah, Humbug.”  There does not seem to be a lot in between.  I sometimes find myself to be a little of both.

I have bright and warm memories of Christmas but also stark and desperate memories that bring a lonely, sad and silent feeling.  I hope that we can each and every one remember that there are those all around us that need the warmth of friendship and love or a helping hand at this most holy time of year.  I wish for each and everyone to find peace and hope for a bright and fulfilling future allowing their silent night to be one of joy to be alive and peace knowing that we are not alone in this world.  I believe that God is with us.  May God bless and keep you each and every one and you have a very Merry Christmas filled with love and the joy that comes in sharing and reaching out to others.  May this wonderful feeling fill your heart and stay with you through out the year and all of the years to come.

Merry Christmas

Linda J. Nance

LOVE LIVES IN THE HEART

There are so many things I have wanted to write about and have been excited about but there is only one thing that stands out and fills me with emotion today.  Last night it filled me with tears.  Not long ago I asked for help naming our new little puppy.  We chose PeeWee and he has been such a joy.  He was filled with so much life and radiated love.  He would run a play with my little grandson.  They were best of friends.  Every day when everyone went off to work or school, the little bundle of love was my buddy.  As the months passed he grew.  His legs were long and he could jump and romp and was filled with life and enthusiasm.  He would stand on his hind legs so he could lay his head in my lap looking up with eyes that radiated love and emotion without the need for words from this little animal to this lonely old woman.   He was a little guy with a big heart.

Yesterday just before dark I was out back starting the grill.  My grandson had just come in with his little friend who lives next door playing in his room.  My daughter appeared at the back door telling me to keep the kids here.  She had eyes filled with tears.  PeeWee had escaped and gone out onto the highway.  He had been hit by a truck.  It was bad.  I will not go into details.

When I came in the house I could not hold back the tears and when the phone rang with her saying she needed help from Albert because it was so bad and he was suffering…..I had already called Albert and he was on his way home.  She called back to say it was over.  He was gone.  I felt such loss I could not hold back the tears.  My dog had not died…my friend and companion had died.  My little buddy was gone.  There have been some difficult times in life and he always had a nuzzle, wag of the tail and a way to make me smile.  He was gone.  He is gone.

I could not hold back the tears and felt as if I could not breathe.  I felt a small hand on my shoulder and a voice near my face.  “Mamaw…Mamaw…what’s wrong.  Tell me what’s wrong.  It’s ok…Tell me.”

There before me stood two little boys who had romped and played with the little dog and loved him just as much as I had.  They had held him as a small puppy and ran with him everyday.  They had a right to know but did not need to see.  I told them PeeWee had gone out onto the road and was hit by a truck.

The shock flashed across the two little faces and they were ready to run to the little dog.  I stopped them saying it was too late to help him and they had to stay there with me.  I explained that Zander’s mom and all of the neighbors were there with him and taking care of things.

The look on the faces swiftly changed from shock to heartbreaking grief as what I had said became real.  “I love PeeWee so much, Mamaw.”  He could say no more as tears flowed down his little face.  His friend’s face crumpled into tears beside him as he added that he too loved the little dog.

I reached out before me and hugged a little boy in each arm as we cried to gather.  Today is still a sad day as we have talked and cried some more but we are trying to remember the good times shared and the love this little animal brought to our lives.

PeeWee and the little boy were best friends.  They were play mates.  They were more than a boy and a dog.  Little Zander squared his shoulders and said he wanted to write as note for PeeWee.  He wanted to do it himself.

As his Mom and Grandpa got things ready to lay the little dog to rest wrapped in one of Zanders baby blankets, Zander wrote his own note saying how much he loved PeeWee.  He then very seriously signed his name.

I could not hike that far outside without the oxygen and my small tank was out but my husband told me with deep emotion causing his voice to crack.  They gathered around and little Zander wanted to hold the flashlight so his Papaw could dig the hole.  He then solemnly read what he had written saying good bye to PeeWee and they placed his letter in the blanket.

I have a question…Is it silly to feel such loss and grief over a dog?  To us he was more than a dog.  To me he was my little friend.  The love shared will live in the heart.  I told my grandson that love never dies.  Real love lives in the heart.

A handful of love

You could see the love shared

Little PeeWee was in the hearts of the whole family

He had his own little bed but could find some strange ways to sleep here and there too

He was even friends and played with the cats.  They had adopted him.

It took a lot of kitty patience for his puppy playing but they were family

PeeWee was not to be left out where there were fun times or play times.  If you look behind the boy and his grandpa you see PeeWee waiting for his treat too.

LOVE LIVES IN THE HEART

THE JOURNEY HOME WAITS FOR SOME SPECIAL THOUGHTS…BUT IT IS STILL MY JOURNEY…I WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND HOME…If there is such a place for me.

I have said that this blog is a little of this and a little of that and a lot of me.  On a recent interview with Dellani Oaks I was asked about my blog.  Do I think it is better to separate the writer from the writing?  I think that each and every person is unique and different in their own way.  I think it would be wonderful and so much easier if I could do just that.  For some people it works beau

tifully.  I can not. 

To accomplish my dream of these books that are, and the ones that are soon to be….it has taken a lifetime worth of living and seeing life to be able to try to find words to create the characters, stories, people and places in them.  I wanted each and every book that I write to be more than just a story well told.  I want every book to be one that the reader can become a part of and feel with and remember.  The blog is not to promote the books or it would be filled with discussion about writing them, and publishing them and marketing them and other things about them.  I do post the reviews and am very proud of those.  Someone took the time to write something special about something that I wrote and share it.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

My books are a part of me.  They are my way of reaching out and creating.  They are my voice.   They are a reminder of the past…painful and depressing as well as wonderful and exciting.  All things we see, hear, think and feel, live and love become a part of us in one way or another.  For good or bad…if we survive we grow.  Hopefully we grow in a good way that makes us stronger but there are times that I wonder. 

They say that time heals all wounds but they lie.  I have wounds that never heal.  I have wounds of the heart that may have scarred over but they are there, none the less.  People may tell you…. to get over it…but then it is not them that had to do the getting over, is it?  If you repeat history and pick at that old scar you may find more underneath than you expect.  I am getting old now and have poor health.  I do not have the time left in life to look on the bright side and hope for the best.  I would like to.  I try to.  I am often thought of as a fool for even trying to believe in good and honest and trustworthy.  That is all right, because it is usually the very same people that will lie and betray, hurt and destroy, and prove in their lives how little trust you can place in them before you are a fool to love or believe.

All of this sounds a little harsh when you put feelings into words, life can be harsh.  Life can be hard.  What we do with the blessed gift of life is up to us.  I could have given up and just died.  It is not hard at all.  All I have to do is quit trying and working to live.  Things have been that bad for me.  I did not want to do that for many reasons.  I do have some family that loves me and I love them.  I do have hopes and dreams.  I have more.  The story of Journey Home is more than a story.  I believe that God does have a purpose for me.  He has a purpose for each and every one of us.  I believe it is my responsibility to try my best in life and no matter what others do I will have to do my best.  I will not give up…I will not give in…Not Today!  If  I say that everyday, then everyday I will have a tomorrow until the good Lord calls me home.

Now I know that some people do not believe in God.  They think I am stupid and deluded or brainwashed into the beliefs I have.  I understand your skepticism.  I understand your doubt.  I am not even going to try to persuade you to think otherwise because you are not listening.  My beliefs are mine.  You see things as you want to see them, but I wish you well.  I hope that life shows you wonderful and happy things.

Here I go…The last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about religion or politics.  If I want to tell you about my books and reach out so that others might even take notice ….the last thing I need is depressing or controversial….but……

That brings us back to the subject of the blog about only the books or mine that is…me.  I may not want to talk about religion, debate religion or discuss religion, but if I am honest it is a part of my very soul so much there is no way I could avoid it.

I believe no matter how hard life is…we can make it….but I could never have done it alone.  I have been very alone many times.  I have been very isolated many times and even in situations that were abusive and controlling.  I do understand that part of life too.  I understand it too well and remember.  When you get a reminder that old scar falls away and leaves not only the new problems but the old with it.  How can I survive?  How can I deal with life’s problems?  I do not know.  I hope with God’s help because I have no more answers.  Am I giving up?  Never….Not Today.

When I thought I was alone and I had no one I could talk to because I did not want to worry them or start any thing….you would not believe the outpouring of love, support and encouragement from friends on line and they only knew the surgery and cancer part of the story….but they cared.  They made a difference.  I wish they really knew how much.

I can not run a marathon.  I can not hold a job.  I can not get disability because I could…I am not going to give up.  I have two novels, two ebooks and the children’s book that I wrote and illustrated.  I have more.  I have so much more.  I am going to share many things here.  I want to share stories, poems, pictures, thoughts, feelings and more.  I hope you come with me.  I hope that you understand.  I hope you share my journey.

I will be back to the ongoing blog I swore I could write about the Journey to Journey Home.  I might later regret being so honest with things in life but then again life is what is it.  If you do not want the world to know about it, do not do it, and do not do it to someone you say you love…..especially if she has a blog.

Review by Deb Hockenberry Life Goes On

Life Goes On

TITLE: Life Goes On
AUTHOR: Linda Nance
PUBLISHER: Createspace (October 5, 2000)
FORMAT: Paperback, Kindle
PAGES: 256
PRICE: $12.99 – Paperback, $4.95 – Kindle
ISBN – 10: 1453780130
ISBN – 13: 9781453780138


John and Becky had a wonderful life until one day disaster struck. John was laid off at the factory and they all had to move into a rundown apartment building in a very bad neighborhood. Unknown to their children, John and Becky have received an eviction notice to vacate the apartment in ten days.

Their two oldest children were caught up in the neighborhoods activities. Bobby was learning the tricks of the trade of running drugs with the gang he considered his family. The oldest daughter, teenaged Donna, was caught up in the wrong type of crowd constantly partying, doing drugs and drinking. The youngest child, Stacy, was still a good kid but was beginning to following in her older sibling’s footsteps.

It looks like all hope is gone for the family. Ah, but John has a plan. He secretly contacts a relative for help. The relative is more than helpful and offers John more than he could ever hope for.

Neither John nor Becky wanted runaway kids on their hands. They love their children too much and knew the life their kids would be running too. But John and his relative have a plan already in motion to prevent that.

I have to admit that at first I didn’t like Life Goes On since there’s so much attitude and disrespect from the kids. Although this is very realistic, it doesn’t make a relaxing read for me. So, I started it over and was pleasantly surprised after I read on just why Linda Nance started the book the way she did. Soon, I couldn’t put Life Goes On down.

I highly recommend action packed story for both adults and young adults. Life Goes On is a story about what real families can do in the toughest times. Even if the families are separated by states!

You can learn more about Linda Nance by visiting her blog at: http://linda-nance.blogspot.com. You can also find out about Linda at her Amazon Page at: http://www.amazon.com/Linda-Nance.

To purchase this page turner just go to Amazon.com, Amazon.com (the Kindle store), Amazon.ca, or Amazon.co.uk. You can also buy Life Goes On directly from the publisher at http://www.createspace.com/3478911

I CRIED PART 3

I had to share one of my paintings for this part of the blog.  It deals with a very traumatic time.   Seeing that path to lead me on, was in my heart... now here to see.  I had to stop writing but will be back soon.  It is titled I CRIED and I did...then  and now, but Life really does Go On and I am alive and living life to the best of my ability.

I CRIED

When you suffer a serious injury or trauma or even illness time is experienced differently.  The staff was not only capable, knowledgeable, efficient and competent, they were caring and compassionate.  They were exceptional.  I had the maximum amount of pain medication and excellent care.  A person could not ask for any better, but still the pain was almost unending…except when I had drifted away completely.  The problem was that it was all so hard.  I hurt so much and was so tired.  Just to be awake was an enormous effort but to drift away would be so easy.  I believed there was and is a place waiting that is so wonderful there are no words to describe…or stay here in pain with a future I chose not to think about.  I did not need a mirror to know that a broken windshield could do a lot of damage but living with it would be something I would have to think about later or I just might be too tired…..Every breath I took hurt.  Everything on me hurt.

My family and friends came to visit and I could not leave.  I had to keep trying.  They kept telling me they loved me, believed in me and knew that I could do it.  Everything would be fine….It would NOT BE FINE…but it might work out.  I had no idea how to make it work out but then again I was to sick and hurt and tired to do much of anything.  I just put it in the Lord’s hands and then drifted back away where it hurt no more.

The first thing I said was about time and time did come and go.  Time also passed and I grew stronger and more alert.  At first I puzzled that there was nothing in the room that could reflect an image.  As I became more alert I understood they were protecting me but I had to know.  I was so sure that I could handle it no matter how bad it looked.  I had to know so that I could try to find a way to work it out in my mind and begin to deal with it.

I demanded a mirror.  The staff dealt with it beautifully explaining there was nothing to worry about…a lot of the bedside trays were the same as mine and I should relax….and so on.  I understood that there are medical orders and they could not discuss or do anything that might cause a severe reaction or cause me to become distraught. 

I told my husband I had to have a mirror.  He tried to persuade me not to worry.  He finally told me no.  He did not feel like it was something I should worry about.  I should worry about getting stronger.  He was not going to budge an inch. 

I tried to explain that I could not deal with what I did not know.  If they want me to find a way to deal with all that had happened then I had the right to know the truth.

“The truth is that you do not need a mirror.  It will not help you right now.  What you need to do is get stronger and know that we love you.  Everything will work out.”

Before he could say much more a visitor was outside the door talking to the nurse and getting the usual instructions not to mention my appearance or show shock.  The woman assured her that she had seen things about as bad as they could be and it was not problem.

Now I admit that I was hurt beyond description especially if you try it from the inside out but even I had to keep a bit of a sense of humor.  There had just not been anything I found too funny at that point…until….then and for some reason the situation struck me funny.  Maybe the stress and all played an emotional factor or maybe I am just a little bit warped.

I need to explain about the art stuff.  I have always loved arts and crafts.  I like to make sculptures and even playdoh flowers.  I like to paint a path and sunsets.  I might take a piece of charcoal from the bag for BBQ’s and do a sketch.  At Halloween there were dozens of people that would come by the house and ask me to do their makeup.  I can do

a great witch face.  This woman had always compliment my little art projects.

I had my glasses so I could actually see her.  She strolled into the room full of love, enthusiasm and a mission to cheer and show she cared.  Stopping midway her mouth fell open with a gasping sound as she clutched her chest and staggered a step backward.  I thought for a moment she would actually pass out.

Finally drawing in a deep breath she spoke softly almost like a person suffering some great shock.  “Oh my God, it even knocked off her eyebrows.  Her whole face is gone!!!!”

She did not intend it to sound mean or hurtful at all.  She was so shocked she could not contain the emotion.  My husband instantly reacted with a protective and almost angry outburst….but before he could even get started……..

I started to laugh.  It was the first time since the accident that I had laughed.  It struck me funny even though it was so sad.  She was so sure she could handle anything, but this must be really something…it knocked my eyebrows off.

I told her not to worry.  “It will not be that bad.  After all these years messing around with art I will just draw them back on.”  She regained her composure somewhat.  She saw no humor in my statement but realized the intense look from my husband showed his protective nature.

After she left I explained I was not trying to be stubborn or difficult but I had to be able to see for myself.  He became angry at the reaction and comment from my visitor but I told him it had done me no harm.  She was upset because she cared about me.  She was shocked by what she could see that I could not.  It was my face and I had the right to see it.

He would not give in until I threatened to climb out of bed and go until I found a mirror.  He knew that there was no way I could climb or get out of bed with all of the tubes and all but he did not want me to try.  He calmly explained that he did not feel that I was ready for that yet and because he loved me he wanted me to give it more time.

After talking he realized that I had to see or it was all I could think about.  He agreed to bring a mirror the next time he came because they had orders not to allow anything that would show my reflection in the room.

During all of this time I have to say that the nursing staff was so diligent and caring.  I never needed to call a nurse because there were there.  Maybe it is always like that in acute care but they were outstanding.  The doctor was the same way.  He was so patient and there in and out at all different times.  It was not the daily visit.  He cared.  He was and is amazing.  He also is very good at avoiding the discussion of a mirror.

***********

Albert came into the room looking depressed.  He silently sat in the chair with shoulder drooping as he stared at his hands.  I knew what it was.  He had promised to bring me a mirror and did not want to.  He wanted to protect me.  He also had promised.

I asked and he handed it to me.  I did not use it right then even though I wanted to grasp it and see what was left of me…see what had happened…see it all.  I did not want to risk getting upset and have him see it.  I reassured him since I had a mirror I was satisfied.  I would look later when I was ready. 

We had a nice visit but strained as I wanted to use that mirror and he wanted to snatch it back and take it away.  When the time neared he would have to leave he finally told me that he had to be there when I used the mirror.  He was not leaving me there alone to see something that he was sure would get better and he thought I should quit worrying about.

“It’s no problem.  I am sure no matter how bad it looks it will be a lot better when all of the stitches are out and swelling.  I can handle this.  I have to.  It is my face and I have to wear it the rest of my life.”

Before he could answer or argue, I opened the mirror and held it before me.  At first I felt confusion.  I peered into the mirror but could not find my face.  I could not see any face.  There was a mess of horrible colors similar to a modern art horror piece with eyes filled with pain, confusion and sadness that gazed back at me.

I could not breathe.  For long moments I could not breathe.  I realized that Albert was watching with concern waiting to see what would happen.  “WOW….I….ah..ah…wow.”  Emotions were building with such intensity I could barely hold them in let alone act as if all was going to be fine.  He looked as if he was ready to call for medical back up.

Breathe…breathe…a little deeper…long…slow…breaths….I can do this.  “I understand now why there were no mirrors.  I understand why you worried, but I am going to be all right.  I may never be fine, but I am glad that at least now I know.”  The eyebrow thing did not seem quite so funny anymore.

He stayed for a little while longer watching me closely.  When he was finally convinced I was as good as I might be expected to be he kissed me gently and told me he would be back as soon as he could.  I think he went straight to the nurses’ station.  I could hear people outside my door and knew they were there if I needed them.

I held the little mirror in my hand but did not feel the desire to look again or any closer.  What I had seen was etched in my mind and heart.  It was so horrible and it was me.  It almost seemed to be someone else….with sad frightened eyes.  I can still see those lost eyes looking back at me in that mirror.

I cried.  It poured out in gasping tortured sobs.  The nurses came in and it was time for my meds and I slept.

I can write no more right now but will be back soon.

FATHERS….DADS….POP…DADDY….GRANDFATHER…

WE LOVE YOU

There is so much I would like to write for father’s day.  I decided to look for some photos that I could share and the memories flooded my soul.  They brought with them smiles and warmth to the heart as I viewed the moments captured and knew the stories of each one.  We all have our memories and special moments to cherish. 

There are also memories that bring sadness and even a tear as we miss those so dear to our hearts or remember times so long gone by that are so distant from us now.  Even in the sadness we can take comfort knowing and remembering the love shared and times together.  Those are things of the heart and heart and love never dies.  If there is love there is something within that will be there forever.

There have been many years pass since I wrote a little poem for my father.  I have decided to share it here.  It may not be the best or most well written but it is from my heart and I hope it is something that will have meaning.  I wish that each and every one of you could know my father.  He has lived his life….He really has.  He lives loving and sharing with his family and others he might meet.  He reaches out to others and has and had a zest for life.  He taught us, cared for us and shared the joy of living as we grew.  He gives so much to everyone around him. 

Every photo I viewed brought so many memories and stories I wish I could share.  Daddy is special.  This is for him…..and…..

I want to take the time to mention all of our fathers.  Albert has been there for us and the grandchildren.  He reaches out to others to care and help.  He shows in the life he leads what it is to be special.  No one or thing in life is perfect but he strives to build and grow creating memories for the future that we may cherish.  The little children smile in delight as he takes the time to play, share, teach and not only talk to them but listen to them with heart as well as ears.  He takes the time.

Now to salute the next generation who work so hard to face life and are now the children of memories and daddies of today.  Jason, Carl, and Albert…we hope that you know our love and respect as you work to do so much.  You protect, provide, and do so much more.  You teach love in the love that you show.  You take the time to listen and care.  You are Daddies and we love you.  You will still however be our kids.

I will try to write more but for now close with this thought…Daddy…..We love you.