I am going to confess and tell what all has been really going on. I can only do this a little at a time and sometimes a line at a time. I am limited at how long I can sit here at the computer and typing is difficult.
Many of you know about my husband's accident. Many know some of my health issues, especially those who have read my nonfiction book, I Will Not Give UP...Not Today...Life Is A Journey. viewBook.at/B00730UT6 Raw emotion finding words for things so real and emotional that the tears ran down my face as I wrote and remembered is a part of that book. I did cry as I wrote this at times. There were other times it made me smile with the memories.
I know I am rambling and maybe getting off track but if I confess honestly, my mind is wandering these days in many directions and at times in directions filled with dark hopeless feelings of despair.
My writing in this document may not be the best in punctuation, sentence structure or editing. I will not even try to edit this. It is not a literary creation but a confession and explanation from a mind that is distraught and confused. Until the blood pressure goes back down it is also at times limited in many ways.
Since I mentioned the book about my life I will tell somethings that are in there and some others from before and after that period. I did not write it to tell about my life but with the hope that others might find a way as I did to believe and hope and never give up even when things are so hard or painful in life.
I was born with a spinal deformity, missing one and a half vertebrae in the lumbar region. That causes a rocking motion that can put pressure on the spinal cord causing severe pain and even loss of use in the legs. I was in back braces and had pain medication. My family had good insurance and I was young and thought I could do whatever I put my mind to.
I studied many things medical and had an interest in that field. I decided to work to make the muscles as strong as possible in the back. I have always had problems with that area but managed to be able to do most things everyone else does. Most people never realized I even had a problem. When it did hurt, I would sit in the floor cross legged and slowly bend forward stretching the lower spine and feel relief.
As the years progressed they told me that I had a degenerative bone and connective tissue disease. They said there is no cure and offered counseling. That hit me hard as my Grandmother had that problem. She also had several surgeries for brain tumors. As the spinal column deteriorated she became a prisoner in her own body living in pain. She could think and feel but not even get up. On day she turned her head and died.
Depression can kill you in one way or another. It can either take away your life or take the life you have, as you do not really live while you are still alive. That may sound confusing but so is that state of mind. I think we have to be able to live life and look to a future with hope and determination. I think we have to be able to believe in a future to live our future and be alive each day we have.
I have been working with my art and words saying many things. I really believe the things that I say about hope for tomorrow.
When I tell you how close I was to loosing hope.... loosing all hope …...that is a confession that is one I never thought I would say.
I told about the back and the past because it so greatly affects the present too. I have a rare endocrine disorder we have to be extremely careful with many things such as anesthesia, bug spray, antihistamines and many other things. Novocaine to fill a tooth can kill me. Zylocaine is fine. It is rare enough, even some in the medical fields had never run across it and ignore what you tell them. We found it by accident when I had an anesthesia and reacted to it. The reaction was to die on the table and end up on life support with no breathing response. They even had me speak to a small group of doctors telling what it was like. They were amazed that I could quote conversations that took place in the operating room when I was being resuscitated. If your heart will not beat on it's own and someone has to breathe for you.... are you dead? If you are not, you are not far from it. It is hard to find words to tell of such feelings but I used that experience to try and bring realism to one of my short stories in the book A Tale To Tell. The story is Watch What You Wish For viewBook.at/B007ESJ49Y Some of these stories tell more than a story to share when the hour is a little spooky some may be haunted in memory
If you follow me on twitter @LindaJNance you may recognize that as one of the tweets I post about the book. Now you know why I said it that way. It is fiction, but in many parts inspired by memories.
By now you may think I am just advertizing my books but this is so much more complex than selling books. The books are something more than something I published to sell. They are a part of me and something I worked to create. I wanted them to be special in many ways, each and every one in it's own way. The topic of my books is something that I take very seriously and it means a lot to me. I do want to feel they are of some worth to others. When I had the free pro mos I had thousands downloaded but in a busy world have no idea if they have been read or will be read one day. I do want to feel as if they have more than dollar worth.
When I was in a head-on collision My body was broken. I know how lucky I am to have lived. I did write about that. If you do not believe in miracles, you would have if you had lived that time with me. The car motor crushed in and pinned my foot to the floorboard of the car crushing the foot and breaking it in 6 places. That may sound bad but it is all that kept me from going through the windshield out onto the road. As the car spun it flung me like a rag doll smashing my face and head into the windshield, my chest and arms into the dash, breaking and cutting me beyond recognition. The windshield broke into tiny squares of glass and my face raked across it. The bleeding was massive.
I tell all of this because things from our past can haunt our present in many ways. The bones in the foot had to be pinned. One joint and half of the other had to be removed. With the delicate condition of the bones the pin in one of the breaks did not hold. The bone was too fragile and re-broke. Every step I take is on that foot. They sewed my hands back and they healed beautifully but do hurt. Arthritis is setting up everywhere.
These things have come to mind even more as these last days have been so painful in so many ways. I use an anti-inflammatory to keep the swelling down and help keep me going. This may sound impossible with all of the steroids and modern medicine we have, to use aspirin such as BC powders but I do. It also works as a blood thinner.
I had been on steroids for the back and these other things and to help breathing and in massive doses when I was in critical condition with respiratory distress. I gained over a hundred pounds. They said weight gain was normal but it is not normal to have to live in a body you do not feel is even human and even less normal to have to endure the problems excessive weight gain causes. I also have an irregular heart beat that can kick out blood clots. I was told I would have to take blood thinners or risk a heart attack or stroke. My mother, father and grandfather were the same way. My mother had so many problems with the blood thinners and father quit taking his. Aspirin is a blood thinner and I had to use a lot of aspirin with the problems I was living with. For over 20 years I have been making it with my old fashion aspirin. I will mention that when I ran out of the Bcs for extended periods of time I had problems arise with blood clots. It may be coincidence that I managed so long without problems except when I was off the medication with the aspirin.
We should never underestimate simple things that can offer good results but also never forget that they are real. When I was in the ambulance I could no longer see but heard the paramedic asking if I was on drugs....any drugs. I told him no. I do not and never did use drugs. He kept asking if I was taking any drugs and I remembered the thyroid I have to take.
I drifted away and could not hear him. All was quiet and time stopped. I then heard him talking to someone saying he thought this would be a bleed out and he did not know if we would make it to the hospital. The word bleed-out kept echoing in my mind and then it hit me....drugs???? BCs, aspirin...bleed-out, and was able to say BCs.
As the weeks and months and years passed I managed to not only survive but see so many ways my life was blessed. If I ever doubted it, all I had to do is look at the grandchildren and children as they are like a ray of sunshine and hope. Another thing I love is writing. I wanted to be able to write and bring the characters and scenes to life. I wanted to be able to used words on a page to help share feelings, thoughts, and make the stories come to life.
I tell all about those things and more in the book and even going back to school to help me improve what I was so determined to accomplish. I may have problems doing many things but I could try and not give up with my writing.
When it came time I wanted to hold a book in my hand, the process of getting published was one I needed to learn and start working to accomplish. I went to the library and studied all I could and got online too. I started submitting query and synopsis of Journey Home when I got sick. I got so very sick. I coughed so hard I broke a rib. The x-rays showed pneumonia and more. It showed a mass under the aorta. That is not a good spot. Under the aorta and over the heart there is no room for growth and it was growing.
The prognosis was death. I was advised to make whatever arrangements I need to take care of. I told of all that in the book too. It was a time that left you feeling numb. I felt many things but too many to name here. The growth has almost stopped but it is still there.
I did not want to wait and started to consider self publishing. I did not want the things I had written to die with me. I wanted to reach out and have something I thought of as special to live on and others to find pleasure and hope in. I had no idea how much time I had but looked at each day as a gift.
Before I could do much more I found out the growing had spread. I had tumors in the lung, in the arteries that supply the lung and right next to the lymph nodes. I had cancer. My options were limited. They said I might not survive the chemo or radiation and time was very limited. Every beat of my heart brought me closer to inoperable. The surgery had to be postponed at that point because I did not have enough lung function to survive the surgery. I would be left a vegetable on a respirator.
I had to see my story become a book. I had to hold it in my hands. I chose Createspace. I know there are dozens of companies and many wonderful options but I did not have time to try to work things out. They worked with me. When they say they will help you, I not only knew so little about computers and the internet it would amaze you but did not even understand many of the terms and had no time to learn them. They talked me through it. Their patience was amazing. When talking to me, by then there were times that I would become unable to talk or understand as the oxygen lever was getting lower.
I got online and set up a facebook page. You may hear many stories about the bad things encountered on the internet and I am sure they are true and even more but I have to tell you about what I found. I found friends. I found people of such heart and caring attitudes who offered their support, best wishes and even prayers that it touched me to the heart and I will never forget. Family and friends, near and far, in person and online gave more to me than words can tell.
Before I went in for the surgery I held that book in my hand and cried. I cried tears of joy and hope.
These are all ramblings of the past but there are times that the past can come back to haunt in more than one way. The next book I published was Journey Home. It was actually the first Novel I wrote and I love that book. Who, what and why were questions with no answers but the future and the past were soon to meet with deadly consequences http://viewBook.at/B0054GLX92
I wanted each of my books to be special from cover to cover and all that was inside. The first one I used a photo I had taken many years before that wraps completely around to the back with a sunset. Seeing the car lights of travelers reminded me of the story as the family had to relocate starting a new life and seemed perfect.
With Journey Home I decided to use one of my paintings. I even post some of them as I worked on them on the new fan page I had set up. After all that work the one I decided on was one with special sentimental attachment. I had done the painting for my father-in-law before he passed. I wanted to share the things from my heart that were so much a part of me. I wanted to share my writing and my art.
I lived each day not knowing how many more I would have. I was obsessed to accomplish as much as I could and leave something behind that my family, friends, children and others who might have a chance to read my words could enjoy and become a part of. I did not want to die feeling alone and isolate. I was very isolate in physical person as I could not easily go anywhere. There was the illness, pain, sickness, cancer, surgery and then even after all of that there was the recovery from it was so painful and debilitating. Just being alive was work. At first I felt as if the tube for the oxygen was my life line. I had to have it to live. As the days and weeks passed it became more of a leash that offered another reason I could not go or do what ever it was..... I could not just jump in the pool or lake and swim out in the refreshing water. I could not dive down feeling the cool water caress over my face. I could not go many places or do many things. We had to buy the bottles of oxygen for me to leave the house at all even to go out back.
With no insurance that can be a problem. There are the meds for blood pressure and heart, thyroid, BC's and then the oxygen for the machine at the house and bottles to go out. We were making it though and little by little I did go out at times. I started the writers group here in town to help others make their dreams come true too. I am no expert on anything but together we have done amazing things. Each person helping one another is fantastic. Each member of the group is so special.
I extended it to a facebook group page and am so delighted hearing from writers all round the world sharing information and their projects. I continued to work on the fan page, writers group page and set up the blog....this blog. I did not know what I was doing and still don't but wanted it to be something real.
I called it More Than Just A Story In A Book because each of my books is that. One day I hope to have the time to really talk about the stories and all that is in each one. I think the blog is that too. This blog is more than the stories and the books. I write a lot about what I write, because it is so important to me. I have tried to put so much in these stories and tried to bring them to life with emotion and content using words on a page. I also have shared me. I have shared more me since I got online than I would ever have dreamed of. It is not that I am so sure my life is so interesting but I am still alive. I am still trying to live each day and look for something beautiful and find hope.
It sure is taking me a long time to get to my confession but it is hard for me to admit that I came so close to giving up. I felt so hopeless. All I have to do it to quit trying. I have enough health problems if I don't take the medicine, use the oxygen, and try....... How can a person work so hard and try if they feel totally worthless and helpless? How can they keep trying if all seems lost?
You may wonder how I can go from looking for something beautiful and never giving up to having a thought cross my mind to write another book titled Time To Give Up....Today is the Day....Life Is Over.
I told before about my husband's devastating accident. There has been more going on. They released him too soon. I have never heard of anyone going straight from ICU to home in a little over 48 hours from the time they fell fracturing their skull with a brain bleed even if it had stopped for several hours. He was still on Ivs. His doctor released him because he said he was feeling better and wanted to go home. He would tell them anything to go home. He felt panicked he would never get well unless he did, because they kept waking him up. They did that to make sure he could still wake up. He thought the pain meds were the reason he could not stay awake and could not understand that at that time his brain was bleeding in three places from the fracture at the back it was putting pressure even on the front of the brain.
He made it until that evening ranting about the pain and unable to even keep water down. The ER readmitted him and the same doctor released him a day and a half later. We were on our own. I could not just watch him die but he got confused and the pain had him pacing and constantly demanding to find a way to make it stop in his head and back. I rubbed everything. Soon his legs and even his feet hurt. His back had the impression from the concrete imbedded in it from the impact of his fall.
He had lost his sense of taste so refused to eat saying it was my fault. Everything I cooked had no taste. If I would just put some seasoning in it..... I tried everything and cooked all different things. Eventually I did get him to eat but it had been long enough it was one bite at a time. He had gone from 155 pounds to 119.
My daughter did all that she could but she works to support her son and take care of her family too. She came every day but the bottom line was that I was here and if I could not find a way to help him I thought he would die.
In addition to him being constantly angry with me he demanded I get Danny done. He was so enthusiastic about it I had found hope and joy that he cared about something so important to me too. He has been so supportive of me and even took me to each of the writers group functions.
We had and have no income during this time. I tried to keep a positive out look but was hurting more than words could describe myself and so very tired. I kept working and trying and taking care of him even if he got angry.
With no insurance and no income even with family trying to help I watched as the shelves got bare and the freezer was more empty. I forgot to check our gas tank. We had snow predicted when someone coming in to visit happened to check and see it was on '0'. I can not leave the oxygen machine and we were running out of gas to heat.
I began to feel as if I was in a nightmare and needed to wake up and see it was really only a dream. We were running out of food and no way to heat. We had no money or income and the family had no way of helping.
I found an agency that helped us to get gas but we had to get there to fill out the papers. We did. A local church called Happy Trails Cowboy Church was so very generous helping with food and our church Pilgrim Lutheran has been there emotionally and also helping so we would not loose our vehicle insurance so Albert would have a way when able to go back to work.
Friends and family are helping all they could. Another friend in the writers group not only bought food but cooked enough I had meals for days.
Even with all of that day by day things are so difficult. I did not have the money for my prescriptions. I began to ration them using half the prescribed doses.
I do understand that with a severe head injury it can affect a person's thinking and even their personality. My daughter mentioned Albert did not seem like the same person. He was not the same person as the one that was so supportive and loved to do things with the grandchildren. It was becoming something fearful. He seemed as if he could become violent and above all else he hated me. Nothing I did was right. Whatever was wrong was my fault. You could not talk to him. His anger was all there was left. He did still want me to get Danny done and published. He demanded it and I was happy he still cared about it.
The day before I was going to upload the file to make it a book he announced it was all over. He had decided that all my writing was totally worthless and an waste of time. It was over and done. I was so shocked and hurt that at first I could not talk at all.
I explained how much it meant to me. There was so much I could not do in life but what I wrote was part of my heart and soul. It was my way to reach out and not just be sick, crippled, alone to die. If I had to give up on all of that and the things that I love I was giving up on being alive.
He calmly and coldly looked at me and said, “Get real. How much do you make in dollars and cents? Your books are worthless and your writing is a waste of time. It is over and there is no reason to keep the internet either.”
I already knew we would not be able to stay on the internet much longer until he was well enough to go back to work or a miracle made the books best sellers overnight...even that would be too late for now. I thought when I could not afford the internet and we had to cancel it, I would continue to write and when things got better I would be back. Until then, if I visited somewhere I could get on and say hello.
I have heard from people all around the world about my books and some of the other things that I write. There is a school in England that read the children's book in their school and contacted me saying wonderful things. There have been others that have thanked me for the story I Will Not Give Up saying it helped them. There have been many that used the coloring books pages I posted on the fan page with their children or classes in school. They are not for sale. They are free for the children but does that make them worthless? I had free promotions for each of the other books and gave literally thousands away free. I do not know how many have had time to read them yet other than those I have heard from. It is a busy world but I have had some wonderful responses.
There is no charge to read this blog, but is it worthless? Even though my mind understands head injuries, my heart had taken almost all the hurt it could stand. My body hurts so much. Now the fluids around the heart and lungs is almost more than I can function with. My legs and feet as so swollen the skin stretch so thin it blistered and broke in several places. Everything on me hurts.
Something inside of me was dieing right then. The tears ran down my face but I had no words. I felt empty and lost. I felt alone. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and there was no hope. I did not call my family or friends because there was nothing they could do. How could anyone give me back heart and hope when your own husband hates you and screams how worthless you are?
You did though. You all here did. You have no idea what you did and are doing right now. You are posting tweets for Danny and posting sites and the book on pages and so many places. You are posting and tweeting hope and dreams to keep us alive and living instead of feeling alone, helpless and filled with despair. You are not selling a book but saving a friend in a dark and desperate time of life.
I believe in the book. Albert did too before he broke his head. We both think that although it is fiction, it is one not to be forgotten and special. I wanted to try to write it realistically enough you knew the people, could feel the pain, fear, and see them. I wanted it to be one of a kind.
So many people.... I have not and can not sit here for very long. This is taking days to write. But day after day you did not forget me. You take all this time to help in so many ways. You show and tell care, prayers, and well wishes. Each and every comment, tweet and post touches me so much. There are no words to say how much all you have and are doing means to me. I am not going to give up. I am not going to give up writing or trying or living. There is a lifeline that has helped me through a dark and dangerous time in life and it is you....all of you.
I have so many more Novels in my mind. I have more words I want to share and paintings I want to paint. I can see that now, because of what you all did and are doing. I want to keep using words to create and share.
I can hardly wait to hear from those who read Danny. I can only hope I have accomplished what I tried to do with the story and the book.
With more help from family I am able to get the medications refilled and today will be back on full doses. It will take some time to get back up and around. I am using the nebulizer machine breathing treatments. I am stopping in as often as I can and see all you are doing and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I confess I almost gave up. You did not let me.
The swelling in Albert's brain has decreased and it is like a miracle. Part of his hearing is returning and he can taste food a little better. Better than that, he seems unaware of how intensely aggressive and angry he had been. He asks me how Danny is doing and seems pleased about the books and writing again.
We will still be off line soon but I will not be gone. I will be alright and who knows what all I might be able to write and share when I get back.
I could not do a real book launch for Danny as much as I love the book and story. I could not talk about it, do interviews or share some insights to the different things within the story but will one day.
With so much help, support, and effort from so many I think of this as the launch that never ends. Every time I think of the book I will remember all that is being done to help me. Every time I think of the book I will remember to never give up. What a launch this is to give back to me more than promotion of a book but promotion of living life and not giving up. What better thing to share than love and care and a helping hand offered asking nothing in return but from the heart. This is the launch that will never end as I will always remember all that you all have done.
I may have rambled on telling all of those things from the past but the past seemed to come so intensely to the present to haunt and overwhelm me. I could see no way to find the light of the day instead of darkness and despair. It was more than one thing that finally made me feel like giving up. I came so close. I was ready to leave this life. All I have to do is quit trying.
Now I know I can not give up. The good Lord has more for me to do. I may not know what I am supposed to do, but will keep trying to do my best each day.
Thank you seems so inadequate.....but I do. I thank you.
You all did that for me. You gave me hope. You gave me heart. You touched a soul.
This took me days to write. Please read and RT and share 'I Confess...But I Will Explain'. I I wish all who are doing so much and helping could really know how much it means to me. Thank you. Thank you all