I Confess but I Will Explain

I am going to confess and tell what all has been really going on. I can only do this a little at a time and sometimes a line at a time. I am limited at how long I can sit here at the computer and typing is difficult.

Many of you know about my husband's accident. Many know some of my health issues, especially those who have read my nonfiction book, I Will Not Give UP...Not Today...Life Is A Journey. viewBook.at/B00730UT6 Raw emotion finding words for things so real and emotional that the tears ran down my face as I wrote and remembered is a part of that book. I did cry as I wrote this at times. There were other times it made me smile with the memories.

I know I am rambling and maybe getting off track but if I confess honestly, my mind is wandering these days in many directions and at times in directions filled with dark hopeless feelings of despair.

My writing in this document may not be the best in punctuation, sentence structure or editing. I will not even try to edit this. It is not a literary creation but a confession and explanation from a mind that is distraught and confused. Until the blood pressure goes back down it is also at times limited in many ways.

Since I mentioned the book about my life I will tell somethings that are in there and some others from before and after that period. I did not write it to tell about my life but with the hope that others might find a way as I did to believe and hope and never give up even when things are so hard or painful in life.

I was born with a spinal deformity, missing one and a half vertebrae in the lumbar region. That causes a rocking motion that can put pressure on the spinal cord causing severe pain and even loss of use in the legs. I was in back braces and had pain medication. My family had good insurance and I was young and thought I could do whatever I put my mind to.

I studied many things medical and had an interest in that field. I decided to work to make the muscles as strong as possible in the back. I have always had problems with that area but managed to be able to do most things everyone else does. Most people never realized I even had a problem. When it did hurt, I would sit in the floor cross legged and slowly bend forward stretching the lower spine and feel relief.

As the years progressed they told me that I had a degenerative bone and connective tissue disease. They said there is no cure and offered counseling. That hit me hard as my Grandmother had that problem. She also had several surgeries for brain tumors. As the spinal column deteriorated she became a prisoner in her own body living in pain. She could think and feel but not even get up. On day she turned her head and died.

Depression can kill you in one way or another. It can either take away your life or take the life you have, as you do not really live while you are still alive. That may sound confusing but so is that state of mind. I think we have to be able to live life and look to a future with hope and determination. I think we have to be able to believe in a future to live our future and be alive each day we have.

I have been working with my art and words saying many things. I really believe the things that I say about hope for tomorrow.

When I tell you how close I was to loosing hope.... loosing all hope …...that is a confession that is one I never thought I would say.

I told about the back and the past because it so greatly affects the present too. I have a rare endocrine disorder we have to be extremely careful with many things such as anesthesia, bug spray, antihistamines and many other things. Novocaine to fill a tooth can kill me. Zylocaine is fine. It is rare enough, even some in the medical fields had never run across it and ignore what you tell them. We found it by accident when I had an anesthesia and reacted to it. The reaction was to die on the table and end up on life support with no breathing response. They even had me speak to a small group of doctors telling what it was like. They were amazed that I could quote conversations that took place in the operating room when I was being resuscitated. If your heart will not beat on it's own and someone has to breathe for you.... are you dead? If you are not, you are not far from it. It is hard to find words to tell of such feelings but I used that experience to try and bring realism to one of my short stories in the book A Tale To Tell. The story is Watch What You Wish For viewBook.at/B007ESJ49Y Some of these stories tell more than a story to share when the hour is a little spooky some may be haunted in memory

If you follow me on twitter @LindaJNance you may recognize that as one of the tweets I post about the book. Now you know why I said it that way. It is fiction, but in many parts inspired by memories.

By now you may think I am just advertizing my books but this is so much more complex than selling books. The books are something more than something I published to sell. They are a part of me and something I worked to create. I wanted them to be special in many ways, each and every one in it's own way. The topic of my books is something that I take very seriously and it means a lot to me. I do want to feel they are of some worth to others. When I had the free pro mos I had thousands downloaded but in a busy world have no idea if they have been read or will be read one day. I do want to feel as if they have more than dollar worth.

When I was in a head-on collision My body was broken. I know how lucky I am to have lived. I did write about that. If you do not believe in miracles, you would have if you had lived that time with me. The car motor crushed in and pinned my foot to the floorboard of the car crushing the foot and breaking it in 6 places. That may sound bad but it is all that kept me from going through the windshield out onto the road. As the car spun it flung me like a rag doll smashing my face and head into the windshield, my chest and arms into the dash, breaking and cutting me beyond recognition. The windshield broke into tiny squares of glass and my face raked across it. The bleeding was massive.

I tell all of this because things from our past can haunt our present in many ways. The bones in the foot had to be pinned. One joint and half of the other had to be removed. With the delicate condition of the bones the pin in one of the breaks did not hold. The bone was too fragile and re-broke. Every step I take is on that foot. They sewed my hands back and they healed beautifully but do hurt. Arthritis is setting up everywhere.

These things have come to mind even more as these last days have been so painful in so many ways. I use an anti-inflammatory to keep the swelling down and help keep me going. This may sound impossible with all of the steroids and modern medicine we have, to use aspirin such as BC powders but I do. It also works as a blood thinner.

I had been on steroids for the back and these other things and to help breathing and in massive doses when I was in critical condition with respiratory distress. I gained over a hundred pounds. They said weight gain was normal but it is not normal to have to live in a body you do not feel is even human and even less normal to have to endure the problems excessive weight gain causes. I also have an irregular heart beat that can kick out blood clots. I was told I would have to take blood thinners or risk a heart attack or stroke. My mother, father and grandfather were the same way. My mother had so many problems with the blood thinners and father quit taking his. Aspirin is a blood thinner and I had to use a lot of aspirin with the problems I was living with. For over 20 years I have been making it with my old fashion aspirin. I will mention that when I ran out of the Bcs for extended periods of time I had problems arise with blood clots. It may be coincidence that I managed so long without problems except when I was off the medication with the aspirin.

We should never underestimate simple things that can offer good results but also never forget that they are real. When I was in the ambulance I could no longer see but heard the paramedic asking if I was on drugs....any drugs. I told him no. I do not and never did use drugs. He kept asking if I was taking any drugs and I remembered the thyroid I have to take.

I drifted away and could not hear him. All was quiet and time stopped. I then heard him talking to someone saying he thought this would be a bleed out and he did not know if we would make it to the hospital. The word bleed-out kept echoing in my mind and then it hit me....drugs???? BCs, aspirin...bleed-out, and was able to say BCs.

As the weeks and months and years passed I managed to not only survive but see so many ways my life was blessed. If I ever doubted it, all I had to do is look at the grandchildren and children as they are like a ray of sunshine and hope. Another thing I love is writing. I wanted to be able to write and bring the characters and scenes to life. I wanted to be able to used words on a page to help share feelings, thoughts, and make the stories come to life.

I tell all about those things and more in the book and even going back to school to help me improve what I was so determined to accomplish. I may have problems doing many things but I could try and not give up with my writing.

When it came time I wanted to hold a book in my hand, the process of getting published was one I needed to learn and start working to accomplish. I went to the library and studied all I could and got online too. I started submitting query and synopsis of Journey Home when I got sick. I got so very sick. I coughed so hard I broke a rib. The x-rays showed pneumonia and more. It showed a mass under the aorta. That is not a good spot. Under the aorta and over the heart there is no room for growth and it was growing.

The prognosis was death. I was advised to make whatever arrangements I need to take care of. I told of all that in the book too. It was a time that left you feeling numb. I felt many things but too many to name here. The growth has almost stopped but it is still there.

I did not want to wait and started to consider self publishing. I did not want the things I had written to die with me. I wanted to reach out and have something I thought of as special to live on and others to find pleasure and hope in. I had no idea how much time I had but looked at each day as a gift.

Before I could do much more I found out the growing had spread. I had tumors in the lung, in the arteries that supply the lung and right next to the lymph nodes. I had cancer. My options were limited. They said I might not survive the chemo or radiation and time was very limited. Every beat of my heart brought me closer to inoperable. The surgery had to be postponed at that point because I did not have enough lung function to survive the surgery. I would be left a vegetable on a respirator.

I had to see my story become a book. I had to hold it in my hands. I chose Createspace. I know there are dozens of companies and many wonderful options but I did not have time to try to work things out. They worked with me. When they say they will help you, I not only knew so little about computers and the internet it would amaze you but did not even understand many of the terms and had no time to learn them. They talked me through it. Their patience was amazing. When talking to me, by then there were times that I would become unable to talk or understand as the oxygen lever was getting lower.

I got online and set up a facebook page. You may hear many stories about the bad things encountered on the internet and I am sure they are true and even more but I have to tell you about what I found. I found friends. I found people of such heart and caring attitudes who offered their support, best wishes and even prayers that it touched me to the heart and I will never forget. Family and friends, near and far, in person and online gave more to me than words can tell.

Before I went in for the surgery I held that book in my hand and cried. I cried tears of joy and hope.

These are all ramblings of the past but there are times that the past can come back to haunt in more than one way. The next book I published was Journey Home. It was actually the first Novel I wrote and I love that book. Who, what and why were questions with no answers but the future and the past were soon to meet with deadly consequences http://viewBook.at/B0054GLX92

I wanted each of my books to be special from cover to cover and all that was inside. The first one I used a photo I had taken many years before that wraps completely around to the back with a sunset. Seeing the car lights of travelers reminded me of the story as the family had to relocate starting a new life and seemed perfect.

With Journey Home I decided to use one of my paintings. I even post some of them as I worked on them on the new fan page I had set up. After all that work the one I decided on was one with special sentimental attachment. I had done the painting for my father-in-law before he passed. I wanted to share the things from my heart that were so much a part of me. I wanted to share my writing and my art.

I lived each day not knowing how many more I would have. I was obsessed to accomplish as much as I could and leave something behind that my family, friends, children and others who might have a chance to read my words could enjoy and become a part of. I did not want to die feeling alone and isolate. I was very isolate in physical person as I could not easily go anywhere. There was the illness, pain, sickness, cancer, surgery and then even after all of that there was the recovery from it was so painful and debilitating. Just being alive was work. At first I felt as if the tube for the oxygen was my life line. I had to have it to live. As the days and weeks passed it became more of a leash that offered another reason I could not go or do what ever it was..... I could not just jump in the pool or lake and swim out in the refreshing water. I could not dive down feeling the cool water caress over my face. I could not go many places or do many things. We had to buy the bottles of oxygen for me to leave the house at all even to go out back.

With no insurance that can be a problem. There are the meds for blood pressure and heart, thyroid, BC's and then the oxygen for the machine at the house and bottles to go out. We were making it though and little by little I did go out at times. I started the writers group here in town to help others make their dreams come true too. I am no expert on anything but together we have done amazing things. Each person helping one another is fantastic. Each member of the group is so special.

I extended it to a facebook group page and am so delighted hearing from writers all round the world sharing information and their projects. I continued to work on the fan page, writers group page and set up the blog....this blog. I did not know what I was doing and still don't but wanted it to be something real.

I called it More Than Just A Story In A Book because each of my books is that. One day I hope to have the time to really talk about the stories and all that is in each one. I think the blog is that too. This blog is more than the stories and the books. I write a lot about what I write, because it is so important to me. I have tried to put so much in these stories and tried to bring them to life with emotion and content using words on a page. I also have shared me. I have shared more me since I got online than I would ever have dreamed of. It is not that I am so sure my life is so interesting but I am still alive. I am still trying to live each day and look for something beautiful and find hope.

It sure is taking me a long time to get to my confession but it is hard for me to admit that I came so close to giving up. I felt so hopeless. All I have to do it to quit trying. I have enough health problems if I don't take the medicine, use the oxygen, and try....... How can a person work so hard and try if they feel totally worthless and helpless? How can they keep trying if all seems lost?

You may wonder how I can go from looking for something beautiful and never giving up to having a thought cross my mind to write another book titled Time To Give Up....Today is the Day....Life Is Over.

I told before about my husband's devastating accident. There has been more going on. They released him too soon. I have never heard of anyone going straight from ICU to home in a little over 48 hours from the time they fell fracturing their skull with a brain bleed even if it had stopped for several hours. He was still on Ivs. His doctor released him because he said he was feeling better and wanted to go home. He would tell them anything to go home. He felt panicked he would never get well unless he did, because they kept waking him up. They did that to make sure he could still wake up. He thought the pain meds were the reason he could not stay awake and could not understand that at that time his brain was bleeding in three places from the fracture at the back it was putting pressure even on the front of the brain.

He made it until that evening ranting about the pain and unable to even keep water down. The ER readmitted him and the same doctor released him a day and a half later. We were on our own. I could not just watch him die but he got confused and the pain had him pacing and constantly demanding to find a way to make it stop in his head and back. I rubbed everything. Soon his legs and even his feet hurt. His back had the impression from the concrete imbedded in it from the impact of his fall.

He had lost his sense of taste so refused to eat saying it was my fault. Everything I cooked had no taste. If I would just put some seasoning in it..... I tried everything and cooked all different things. Eventually I did get him to eat but it had been long enough it was one bite at a time. He had gone from 155 pounds to 119.

My daughter did all that she could but she works to support her son and take care of her family too. She came every day but the bottom line was that I was here and if I could not find a way to help him I thought he would die.

In addition to him being constantly angry with me he demanded I get Danny done. He was so enthusiastic about it I had found hope and joy that he cared about something so important to me too. He has been so supportive of me and even took me to each of the writers group functions.

We had and have no income during this time. I tried to keep a positive out look but was hurting more than words could describe myself and so very tired. I kept working and trying and taking care of him even if he got angry.

With no insurance and no income even with family trying to help I watched as the shelves got bare and the freezer was more empty. I forgot to check our gas tank. We had snow predicted when someone coming in to visit happened to check and see it was on '0'. I can not leave the oxygen machine and we were running out of gas to heat.

I began to feel as if I was in a nightmare and needed to wake up and see it was really only a dream. We were running out of food and no way to heat. We had no money or income and the family had no way of helping.

I found an agency that helped us to get gas but we had to get there to fill out the papers. We did. A local church called Happy Trails Cowboy Church was so very generous helping with food and our church Pilgrim Lutheran has been there emotionally and also helping so we would not loose our vehicle insurance so Albert would have a way when able to go back to work.

Friends and family are helping all they could. Another friend in the writers group not only bought food but cooked enough I had meals for days.

Even with all of that day by day things are so difficult. I did not have the money for my prescriptions. I began to ration them using half the prescribed doses.

I do understand that with a severe head injury it can affect a person's thinking and even their personality. My daughter mentioned Albert did not seem like the same person. He was not the same person as the one that was so supportive and loved to do things with the grandchildren. It was becoming something fearful. He seemed as if he could become violent and above all else he hated me. Nothing I did was right. Whatever was wrong was my fault. You could not talk to him. His anger was all there was left. He did still want me to get Danny done and published. He demanded it and I was happy he still cared about it.

The day before I was going to upload the file to make it a book he announced it was all over. He had decided that all my writing was totally worthless and an waste of time. It was over and done. I was so shocked and hurt that at first I could not talk at all.

I explained how much it meant to me. There was so much I could not do in life but what I wrote was part of my heart and soul. It was my way to reach out and not just be sick, crippled, alone to die. If I had to give up on all of that and the things that I love I was giving up on being alive.

He calmly and coldly looked at me and said, “Get real. How much do you make in dollars and cents? Your books are worthless and your writing is a waste of time. It is over and there is no reason to keep the internet either.”

I already knew we would not be able to stay on the internet much longer until he was well enough to go back to work or a miracle made the books best sellers overnight...even that would be too late for now. I thought when I could not afford the internet and we had to cancel it, I would continue to write and when things got better I would be back. Until then, if I visited somewhere I could get on and say hello.

I have heard from people all around the world about my books and some of the other things that I write. There is a school in England that read the children's book in their school and contacted me saying wonderful things. There have been others that have thanked me for the story I Will Not Give Up saying it helped them. There have been many that used the coloring books pages I posted on the fan page with their children or classes in school. They are not for sale. They are free for the children but does that make them worthless? I had free promotions for each of the other books and gave literally thousands away free. I do not know how many have had time to read them yet other than those I have heard from. It is a busy world but I have had some wonderful responses.

There is no charge to read this blog, but is it worthless? Even though my mind understands head injuries, my heart had taken almost all the hurt it could stand. My body hurts so much. Now the fluids around the heart and lungs is almost more than I can function with. My legs and feet as so swollen the skin stretch so thin it blistered and broke in several places. Everything on me hurts.

Something inside of me was dieing right then. The tears ran down my face but I had no words. I felt empty and lost. I felt alone. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and there was no hope. I did not call my family or friends because there was nothing they could do. How could anyone give me back heart and hope when your own husband hates you and screams how worthless you are?

You did though. You all here did. You have no idea what you did and are doing right now. You are posting tweets for Danny and posting sites and the book on pages and so many places. You are posting and tweeting hope and dreams to keep us alive and living instead of feeling alone, helpless and filled with despair. You are not selling a book but saving a friend in a dark and desperate time of life.

I believe in the book. Albert did too before he broke his head. We both think that although it is fiction, it is one not to be forgotten and special. I wanted to try to write it realistically enough you knew the people, could feel the pain, fear, and see them. I wanted it to be one of a kind.

So many people.... I have not and can not sit here for very long. This is taking days to write. But day after day you did not forget me. You take all this time to help in so many ways. You show and tell care, prayers, and well wishes. Each and every comment, tweet and post touches me so much. There are no words to say how much all you have and are doing means to me. I am not going to give up. I am not going to give up writing or trying or living. There is a lifeline that has helped me through a dark and dangerous time in life and it is you....all of you.

I have so many more Novels in my mind. I have more words I want to share and paintings I want to paint. I can see that now, because of what you all did and are doing. I want to keep using words to create and share.

I can hardly wait to hear from those who read Danny. I can only hope I have accomplished what I tried to do with the story and the book.

With more help from family I am able to get the medications refilled and today will be back on full doses. It will take some time to get back up and around. I am using the nebulizer machine breathing treatments. I am stopping in as often as I can and see all you are doing and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I confess I almost gave up. You did not let me.

The swelling in Albert's brain has decreased and it is like a miracle. Part of his hearing is returning and he can taste food a little better. Better than that, he seems unaware of how intensely aggressive and angry he had been. He asks me how Danny is doing and seems pleased about the books and writing again.

We will still be off line soon but I will not be gone. I will be alright and who knows what all I might be able to write and share when I get back.

I could not do a real book launch for Danny as much as I love the book and story. I could not talk about it, do interviews or share some insights to the different things within the story but will one day.

With so much help, support, and effort from so many I think of this as the launch that never ends. Every time I think of the book I will remember all that is being done to help me. Every time I think of the book I will remember to never give up. What a launch this is to give back to me more than promotion of a book but promotion of living life and not giving up. What better thing to share than love and care and a helping hand offered asking nothing in return but from the heart. This is the launch that will never end as I will always remember all that you all have done.

I may have rambled on telling all of those things from the past but the past seemed to come so intensely to the present to haunt and overwhelm me. I could see no way to find the light of the day instead of darkness and despair. It was more than one thing that finally made me feel like giving up. I came so close. I was ready to leave this life. All I have to do is quit trying.

Now I know I can not give up. The good Lord has more for me to do. I may not know what I am supposed to do, but will keep trying to do my best each day.

Thank you seems so inadequate.....but I do. I thank you.

You all did that for me. You gave me hope. You gave me heart. You touched a soul.

This took me days to write. Please read and RT and share 'I Confess...But I Will Explain'.   I I wish all who are doing so much and helping could really know how much it means to me.           Thank you. Thank you all

I AM STILL HERE

Well, I made it.  We had our writer's meeting.  I have had to cancel so many things because I simply could not do them.  I can say that now that it is hard for me.  I hate to say that 'I can not....'  If you are around me much, read things that I write or post, or even read my own story I Will Not Give Up...Not Today...Life Is A Journey, I often say to never give up.... if you don't give up and keep trying you may be amazed at what happens.  Repetitive  phrases???? I am sure there are times some might want to hit me over the head because I have said it so often... maybe too often, but I believe it and try to live it.  I try, have tried and am trying with all my heart to do that,but there comes a time to be realistic too. 

When I started all of this I would have loved to be the anonymous writer and have all of my books published and others read them as I shared things I have worked to create or express.  No one I know is going to read a book from an author that does not seem to exist or be real that they have never heard of.  For many years I felt like an invisible person who hoped one day to be able to live my life.  I was the one who was here for the kids, family, cook from scratch, clean, take care of problems and so on.  One day I would get to go and do, but life can get in the way when you are needed to be .... and do.... and life goes on.  My health has never been good even as a child but we learn to adapt and survive or we give up and give in to die or accept and resign to what our limitations are.  I tried even as a child to realize that maybe I really can not do this or that because of.... but focus on what I could  do,...because there is more to me than a list of illnesses or limitations.  That philosophy has served me well.  I loved to write, arts, crafts, outdoors, and so many things. 

I paint pictures that are often a path to... to where we need to go?  Want to go?  Maybe one day it is the path that will take me home.

I can take a lump of clay and just start working and make a face appear.  I did ugly mugs and they are indeed ugly but each I think has expressions and emotions.

I take a piece of playdoh the children play with and make it bloom.  I love that.  We must always keep the child in us alive.  I can do it in clay too, but still love my playdoh flowers.

I like to string beads together.  This is one of my favorite necklaces to make and me from years ago.

When I write I want to write things that are truly a creation.  I want a story that is so real you can know these people not just read about a character.  I want you to see the place not just describe a scene.  I want you to get to know them as if they were real.  I want to bring them and their places and stories to life.  Can I do it?  I try in every story.

Writing for me is not just something learned, but a passion I want to share.  When I get started talking about writing I do go on.  I love to talk to others and help them to realize they too can write if it is what they want to do.  If it is something you enjoy and holds meaning for you, do what makes you happy.  I loved to write but when I finished my first novel that I wrote Journey Home, I realized it needed more than I had the ability to do.  I may be self published but that does not mean that I write, click and publish, write, click, publish and just say "Now I am an author."  I want my writing to be special and something I can bring to life.  I went to school.  The blog about Grandma goes to school tells it and so does the book of my life.  I loved it and I learned so much.  I learned not only about writing but also about how to look at what I write to make it more.  I did not give up.

I was going to try to go the traditional route in publishing.  I researched to find out how to submit to find an agent and publishers.  I worked and was so excited.  I got sick....again.  I do not go for help medically unless I have to and think I might really die.  I had enough of that when I was young.  I always think I can do it...I am tough enough.  There are times we can not do it alone and need help.  I got sick, very sick.  I coughed.  That does not quite tell the whole story.  I coughed with spasms that convulsed my body with every cough.  I could not stop the coughing.  Then the pain in my side was unbearable and I could not breathe. 

It is hard to imagine or for me to tell and others to understand, unless they have lived through coughing so severe that it breaks your own ribs.  The x rays showed pneumonia and that I had broken my rib.  It showed more than that.  It showed a mass.  I worried about lung cancer.  In my book I tell it all.  I tell about how I felt at this time and when they finally found that it was an inoperable mass under the aorta.  There is no extra room between the heart and the aorta.  Every little bit of growth is killing me.  They could not do radiation or chemo therapy and it was inoperable.  When I asked the doctor to be totally honest and tell me what I was going to do.....he said I was going to die.  I wrote it all.  In my book I told about how I felt and what was going on.

I am, as you know, not dead....not yet....not today.  It did give me a lot to think about.  I did not have time to wait to be traditionally published if I wanted to make my dreams come true.  I wanted to hold one of my books in my hands and see it be real.  If something did happen to me, I could leave part of me and my words and things I had created.  I was not sure I had time to wait for traditional publishing but was going to try.  I sent out query letters and synopsis of the story and got such nice responses, but the bottom line was that they were not taking new authors or were busy...etc, etc.

I did not know how much time I had when I got very very sick again.  Again I had pneumonia and more.  I had lung cancer and in really bad areas.  They could not take out the growths because they were in with the arteries that supplied the lung.  One was also right against the lymph nodes.  If it went through my whole system all was lost.  I was lost.  The whole upper lobe of the lung would have to go.  Could I survive that kind of surgery?  I do not always tolerate anesthesia well.  I have ended up on life support before from it.  I have taken longer to wake...hours and hours longer to respond at all after anesthesia.  It is a fear for me and this was not going to be an easy surgery.  Every heart beat the cancer grew and if it got in instead of beside the lymph nodes, I understood what that would mean.  Game over.

We could not do the surgery.  I did not have enough function left to live.  The cancer was growing and I could not get it out.  I worked.  I did the treatments every 4 to 6 hours.  I did a lot of things and finally we could schedule the surgery.  That is what I was going through this time of the year 2 years ago.  I decided to publish the second novel I wrote first and worked at it as I worked to try to live.  The title of the book is Life Goes On and I hoped it would go on for me tool

You might think of it as Post Traumatic Stress, but I think there are often times of the year that will trigger emotions we may not even realize.  In addition to remembering all that has been, I am sick again.  This time it is not pneumonia.  Something happened in my head.  I have been so tired.  I have been so weak that I could hardly walk.  No matter how hard I tried this was a tired like no other.  I could fall asleep sitting up.  I could hardly stay up and around or walk about.  I was in and out and had no life left in me.  I tried to keep going and not give up but there are no words to tell how it has been.  Maybe one day I can, but not today. 

My little grandson and I were here together.  He is my helper and my angel.  He comes here after school until his mother, my daughter gets off work.  Something was wrong.  It was so wrong.  I felt so bad.  I began to be afraid.  That feeling I have had in the past when I was close to not even living was there.  What was wrong?  I could not think?  I did not know.  I was so confused and then.... if no one talked to me or there was nothing going on....there was nothing.  There was nothing at all.  All thought processes and time had stopped.  My face felt like it was on fire and I felt so weak I was afraid of falling if I got up.  I needed help.  I was afraid I had or was having a stroke. 

My poor little grandson was stuck here with his MaMaw.  I was finally able to talk and called my husband.  All I could say was I had to go to the hospital.  Something is wrong and I need help.  He was already almost home.  He and my daughter and grandson loaded me up and off we went.

By the time we got to the hospital we feared I had had a stroke.  The ER hooked me up to monitors to monitor everything.  If I got into a dangerous situation with any of heart, oxygen level, blood pressure etc it would set off an alarm.  The alarm sounded most of 6 hours.  They were trying with meds to drop the blood pressure.  That was the problem then.  Nothing worked.  I live in a world of pain from all different things.  My back is especially a problem and every step I take is on broken bones that did not hold when they were pinned from the accident.  Injections helped the pain the the blood pressure was still ringing the alarms.

After 6 hours it dropped as quickly as it rose.  They did not keep me or run CT scans.  They sent me home.  Would it keep dropping or go back up?  I went home.  I contacted my own health care and they ordered the Ct scans of the brain.  I am so happy to say I did not have a stroke.

We do not know what happened. We do not know why.  We do not know how to help me...yet.  I am still so tired I am writing this little at a time.  More tests are scheduled.  I am so tired.  I am not giving up but felt so close.

That brings me to these last two weeks.  What good is it for me to live at all if all I am is a huge, fat, ugly, mass of helpless burden on those I love?  These are not the words from my family or friends.  This is an insight into me that I have no idea why I would ever share except there may be others who have felt such feelings or similar feelings and they need to know....do not give up.  We do not know what our future holds.

This past two weeks has inspired many feelings and thoughts though, and not all were of my own control.  Depression is real and it can be a killer.  It can kill not only the heart and soul of a person but lower your immune system and even take away your will to live.

Was I depressed...Oh, without a doubt.  Why should I go on and hurt everyday if this is all there is?  If I can not be of help to others and only a burden...why go on?  I can not get out and go places,and do things,and feel alive....maybe I am so nothing I need to get real and let go...just let go and let nature take its course without fighting to live.  I hate this huge body I live in.  Years of sickness and steroids have made me hideous.  Now I am even worse than before. Since all of this started, even my face is swollen until my eyes are slits.  I am not me....or am I?

I guess that is the bottom line.  I am just me.  I am me.  I am.  What will I be?  I have no idea.  There are more test ordered.  About the time I began to wonder if there was no hope for me there was an amazing thing.  I did not admit before but I have fallen 4 times in the recent months.  I do not bounce and it really hurts.  I hurt so much every day I did not need to hurt more.  This picture of my foot is just one of those times.

Online....twitter and fb and here one the blog.  You were there.  I was not able to RT or help you in any way but you did not forget me.  You visited me on FB and here and on twitter.  You shared about my books and blog and fan page,  You did more than RT....You touched my heart.  You gave me hope.  I may sit here all alone and type because I can not get out and around to do more, but you made it so I am not alone.  You followed and helped on my page and my husband's.  You made me feel I have friends.  A friend to me, is a person who cares.  You cared and showed it in every tweet or message or email or book of mine you got.  You are helping dreams to come true but also life to another who felt so alone.

My husband is trying to help with the books.  He knows how much they mean to me.  He is helping with more than that.  When I can not get up he works all day and then comes home and fixes supper or helps me in so many different ways.  My daughter works all day and then comes here and helps and tries in so many ways and she cares and loves.  My little grandson shows so much love.  I wrote one blog about his magic hands.... When a person touches you with love it is magic.  I may take care of him but he takes care of me too.  My friends have done more than say they care they are there for me.  I guess the only one ready to give up on me was me.


This is me before the accident....

This is me now...

I am going to write about the meeting.  I loved it.  It did have some moments, but overall I am glad I went.  I am tired and this is taking awhile to do little at a time.  I will be back soon.  I just had to find a way to say thank you and share what is going on now.  We do not know what is wrong with me so I need to focus on what is right.  I can do it.  I will not give up....not today....each and every day.

THE JOURNEY HOME WAITS FOR SOME SPECIAL THOUGHTS…BUT IT IS STILL MY JOURNEY…I WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND HOME…If there is such a place for me.

I have said that this blog is a little of this and a little of that and a lot of me.  On a recent interview with Dellani Oaks I was asked about my blog.  Do I think it is better to separate the writer from the writing?  I think that each and every person is unique and different in their own way.  I think it would be wonderful and so much easier if I could do just that.  For some people it works beau

tifully.  I can not. 

To accomplish my dream of these books that are, and the ones that are soon to be….it has taken a lifetime worth of living and seeing life to be able to try to find words to create the characters, stories, people and places in them.  I wanted each and every book that I write to be more than just a story well told.  I want every book to be one that the reader can become a part of and feel with and remember.  The blog is not to promote the books or it would be filled with discussion about writing them, and publishing them and marketing them and other things about them.  I do post the reviews and am very proud of those.  Someone took the time to write something special about something that I wrote and share it.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

My books are a part of me.  They are my way of reaching out and creating.  They are my voice.   They are a reminder of the past…painful and depressing as well as wonderful and exciting.  All things we see, hear, think and feel, live and love become a part of us in one way or another.  For good or bad…if we survive we grow.  Hopefully we grow in a good way that makes us stronger but there are times that I wonder. 

They say that time heals all wounds but they lie.  I have wounds that never heal.  I have wounds of the heart that may have scarred over but they are there, none the less.  People may tell you…. to get over it…but then it is not them that had to do the getting over, is it?  If you repeat history and pick at that old scar you may find more underneath than you expect.  I am getting old now and have poor health.  I do not have the time left in life to look on the bright side and hope for the best.  I would like to.  I try to.  I am often thought of as a fool for even trying to believe in good and honest and trustworthy.  That is all right, because it is usually the very same people that will lie and betray, hurt and destroy, and prove in their lives how little trust you can place in them before you are a fool to love or believe.

All of this sounds a little harsh when you put feelings into words, life can be harsh.  Life can be hard.  What we do with the blessed gift of life is up to us.  I could have given up and just died.  It is not hard at all.  All I have to do is quit trying and working to live.  Things have been that bad for me.  I did not want to do that for many reasons.  I do have some family that loves me and I love them.  I do have hopes and dreams.  I have more.  The story of Journey Home is more than a story.  I believe that God does have a purpose for me.  He has a purpose for each and every one of us.  I believe it is my responsibility to try my best in life and no matter what others do I will have to do my best.  I will not give up…I will not give in…Not Today!  If  I say that everyday, then everyday I will have a tomorrow until the good Lord calls me home.

Now I know that some people do not believe in God.  They think I am stupid and deluded or brainwashed into the beliefs I have.  I understand your skepticism.  I understand your doubt.  I am not even going to try to persuade you to think otherwise because you are not listening.  My beliefs are mine.  You see things as you want to see them, but I wish you well.  I hope that life shows you wonderful and happy things.

Here I go…The last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about religion or politics.  If I want to tell you about my books and reach out so that others might even take notice ….the last thing I need is depressing or controversial….but……

That brings us back to the subject of the blog about only the books or mine that is…me.  I may not want to talk about religion, debate religion or discuss religion, but if I am honest it is a part of my very soul so much there is no way I could avoid it.

I believe no matter how hard life is…we can make it….but I could never have done it alone.  I have been very alone many times.  I have been very isolated many times and even in situations that were abusive and controlling.  I do understand that part of life too.  I understand it too well and remember.  When you get a reminder that old scar falls away and leaves not only the new problems but the old with it.  How can I survive?  How can I deal with life’s problems?  I do not know.  I hope with God’s help because I have no more answers.  Am I giving up?  Never….Not Today.

When I thought I was alone and I had no one I could talk to because I did not want to worry them or start any thing….you would not believe the outpouring of love, support and encouragement from friends on line and they only knew the surgery and cancer part of the story….but they cared.  They made a difference.  I wish they really knew how much.

I can not run a marathon.  I can not hold a job.  I can not get disability because I could…I am not going to give up.  I have two novels, two ebooks and the children’s book that I wrote and illustrated.  I have more.  I have so much more.  I am going to share many things here.  I want to share stories, poems, pictures, thoughts, feelings and more.  I hope you come with me.  I hope that you understand.  I hope you share my journey.

I will be back to the ongoing blog I swore I could write about the Journey to Journey Home.  I might later regret being so honest with things in life but then again life is what is it.  If you do not want the world to know about it, do not do it, and do not do it to someone you say you love…..especially if she has a blog.