Life Goes On Changing Times Part 3

As we continue to look at the characters of Life Goes On, We can feel the fear, confusion and apprehension as the time to make the changes there seemed to have no way to avoid, approached.  Every parent wants that warm bond and connection with their children but John and Becky were soon to realize that they could not be both friend and parent.  They would need to be a family and work together to stay strong and survive.  They felt they had lost their children little at a time and the family was something to dream about and think of in another life.  The life they had left of security with employment and prosperity seemed more of a dream than a memory as they watched their children drifting farther and farther away. 

They instinctively knew there would be no way to talk and convince the children that to move away from all they knew was a good thing.  They feared they would refuse to go and possibly run away to avoid compliance with the plan.  The language and actions of the two oldest children had become so brash and offensive at times they felt as if they did not know these two young people at all.

Children can overhear and notice even small things forming an understanding that there is something going on or secrets they feel they just have to unveil.  Each child may have gone their own way with their own friends but when it came to uncovering the information about the family they would work together.

Explaining they would have to move from the apartment after being evicted was unavoidable.  The children realized it was something that would be and even related it to some things they had found stored in the basement assuming it had happened to others and they lost the things they had left there.  They did not want the same thing to happen to them and began to pack.

When the morning came and they did not go to school but were informed they were going to move the confrontation was immediate.  It was a time the parents would have to find a way to hold their ground and do what they thought best for their children and family or risk loosing them forever.

As the story goes on we meet and get to know others that will become important to the individuals and family as a whole.  There would be times and things arise that were unexpected and a time of learning more than what can be taught in books.  There are some things you learn from the heart and that is where they are written.  One certainty they were to learn was the fact that no matter what happens … Life Goes On……

Meeting the old uncle and his friends who come to the aid of the family would be a shock.  None of the children knew him and were unable to find a way around his no nonsense approach to life.  The offensive attitudes and rude actions were not only wasted on him but not tolerated.  There were definitely many things they would be learned but at what cost as the anger and refusal to cooperate increases?

Sharing the moments and growing mountain of obstacles to this family builds as the time nears and arrives to go.  Ready or not they will be leaving and what life the go to is uncertain and unknown to any of them.

Many families suffer problems of different kinds.  We have to find our way in life with those we love.  We have to find a way as Life Goes On for each of us.  I believe that each day is special and we have the chance to do something special or new.  This story is filled with problems and people that are each different.  Different ways of thinking, objectives, hopes, and dreams result in a variety of reactions to any situation.  Differences in the things we fear or dread influence how we respond or the action we might choose to take.  We have a variety of individuals who need to find a way through the difficult times and confusion of life to come together as a family or loose so much they might have had but may never know.

Life Goes On   ebooks US http://amzn.to/zsRYnr

                        Paperback  http://amzn.to/AkYwl5

ebooks UK  http://amzn.to/Anu0Fs

                        paperback   http://amzn.to/Azr6e3     

                        paperback Canada http://amzn.to/xeFQ2C 

I hope you stop by and read the reviews and share your thoughts.  I hope your adventures in life bring hope and light and a close and loving feeling with those in you life.

THE JOURNEY HOME WAITS FOR SOME SPECIAL THOUGHTS…BUT IT IS STILL MY JOURNEY…I WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND HOME…If there is such a place for me.

I have said that this blog is a little of this and a little of that and a lot of me.  On a recent interview with Dellani Oaks I was asked about my blog.  Do I think it is better to separate the writer from the writing?  I think that each and every person is unique and different in their own way.  I think it would be wonderful and so much easier if I could do just that.  For some people it works beau

tifully.  I can not. 

To accomplish my dream of these books that are, and the ones that are soon to be….it has taken a lifetime worth of living and seeing life to be able to try to find words to create the characters, stories, people and places in them.  I wanted each and every book that I write to be more than just a story well told.  I want every book to be one that the reader can become a part of and feel with and remember.  The blog is not to promote the books or it would be filled with discussion about writing them, and publishing them and marketing them and other things about them.  I do post the reviews and am very proud of those.  Someone took the time to write something special about something that I wrote and share it.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

My books are a part of me.  They are my way of reaching out and creating.  They are my voice.   They are a reminder of the past…painful and depressing as well as wonderful and exciting.  All things we see, hear, think and feel, live and love become a part of us in one way or another.  For good or bad…if we survive we grow.  Hopefully we grow in a good way that makes us stronger but there are times that I wonder. 

They say that time heals all wounds but they lie.  I have wounds that never heal.  I have wounds of the heart that may have scarred over but they are there, none the less.  People may tell you…. to get over it…but then it is not them that had to do the getting over, is it?  If you repeat history and pick at that old scar you may find more underneath than you expect.  I am getting old now and have poor health.  I do not have the time left in life to look on the bright side and hope for the best.  I would like to.  I try to.  I am often thought of as a fool for even trying to believe in good and honest and trustworthy.  That is all right, because it is usually the very same people that will lie and betray, hurt and destroy, and prove in their lives how little trust you can place in them before you are a fool to love or believe.

All of this sounds a little harsh when you put feelings into words, life can be harsh.  Life can be hard.  What we do with the blessed gift of life is up to us.  I could have given up and just died.  It is not hard at all.  All I have to do is quit trying and working to live.  Things have been that bad for me.  I did not want to do that for many reasons.  I do have some family that loves me and I love them.  I do have hopes and dreams.  I have more.  The story of Journey Home is more than a story.  I believe that God does have a purpose for me.  He has a purpose for each and every one of us.  I believe it is my responsibility to try my best in life and no matter what others do I will have to do my best.  I will not give up…I will not give in…Not Today!  If  I say that everyday, then everyday I will have a tomorrow until the good Lord calls me home.

Now I know that some people do not believe in God.  They think I am stupid and deluded or brainwashed into the beliefs I have.  I understand your skepticism.  I understand your doubt.  I am not even going to try to persuade you to think otherwise because you are not listening.  My beliefs are mine.  You see things as you want to see them, but I wish you well.  I hope that life shows you wonderful and happy things.

Here I go…The last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about religion or politics.  If I want to tell you about my books and reach out so that others might even take notice ….the last thing I need is depressing or controversial….but……

That brings us back to the subject of the blog about only the books or mine that is…me.  I may not want to talk about religion, debate religion or discuss religion, but if I am honest it is a part of my very soul so much there is no way I could avoid it.

I believe no matter how hard life is…we can make it….but I could never have done it alone.  I have been very alone many times.  I have been very isolated many times and even in situations that were abusive and controlling.  I do understand that part of life too.  I understand it too well and remember.  When you get a reminder that old scar falls away and leaves not only the new problems but the old with it.  How can I survive?  How can I deal with life’s problems?  I do not know.  I hope with God’s help because I have no more answers.  Am I giving up?  Never….Not Today.

When I thought I was alone and I had no one I could talk to because I did not want to worry them or start any thing….you would not believe the outpouring of love, support and encouragement from friends on line and they only knew the surgery and cancer part of the story….but they cared.  They made a difference.  I wish they really knew how much.

I can not run a marathon.  I can not hold a job.  I can not get disability because I could…I am not going to give up.  I have two novels, two ebooks and the children’s book that I wrote and illustrated.  I have more.  I have so much more.  I am going to share many things here.  I want to share stories, poems, pictures, thoughts, feelings and more.  I hope you come with me.  I hope that you understand.  I hope you share my journey.

I will be back to the ongoing blog I swore I could write about the Journey to Journey Home.  I might later regret being so honest with things in life but then again life is what is it.  If you do not want the world to know about it, do not do it, and do not do it to someone you say you love…..especially if she has a blog.

I CRIED PART 3

I had to share one of my paintings for this part of the blog.  It deals with a very traumatic time.   Seeing that path to lead me on, was in my heart... now here to see.  I had to stop writing but will be back soon.  It is titled I CRIED and I did...then  and now, but Life really does Go On and I am alive and living life to the best of my ability.

I CRIED

When you suffer a serious injury or trauma or even illness time is experienced differently.  The staff was not only capable, knowledgeable, efficient and competent, they were caring and compassionate.  They were exceptional.  I had the maximum amount of pain medication and excellent care.  A person could not ask for any better, but still the pain was almost unending…except when I had drifted away completely.  The problem was that it was all so hard.  I hurt so much and was so tired.  Just to be awake was an enormous effort but to drift away would be so easy.  I believed there was and is a place waiting that is so wonderful there are no words to describe…or stay here in pain with a future I chose not to think about.  I did not need a mirror to know that a broken windshield could do a lot of damage but living with it would be something I would have to think about later or I just might be too tired…..Every breath I took hurt.  Everything on me hurt.

My family and friends came to visit and I could not leave.  I had to keep trying.  They kept telling me they loved me, believed in me and knew that I could do it.  Everything would be fine….It would NOT BE FINE…but it might work out.  I had no idea how to make it work out but then again I was to sick and hurt and tired to do much of anything.  I just put it in the Lord’s hands and then drifted back away where it hurt no more.

The first thing I said was about time and time did come and go.  Time also passed and I grew stronger and more alert.  At first I puzzled that there was nothing in the room that could reflect an image.  As I became more alert I understood they were protecting me but I had to know.  I was so sure that I could handle it no matter how bad it looked.  I had to know so that I could try to find a way to work it out in my mind and begin to deal with it.

I demanded a mirror.  The staff dealt with it beautifully explaining there was nothing to worry about…a lot of the bedside trays were the same as mine and I should relax….and so on.  I understood that there are medical orders and they could not discuss or do anything that might cause a severe reaction or cause me to become distraught. 

I told my husband I had to have a mirror.  He tried to persuade me not to worry.  He finally told me no.  He did not feel like it was something I should worry about.  I should worry about getting stronger.  He was not going to budge an inch. 

I tried to explain that I could not deal with what I did not know.  If they want me to find a way to deal with all that had happened then I had the right to know the truth.

“The truth is that you do not need a mirror.  It will not help you right now.  What you need to do is get stronger and know that we love you.  Everything will work out.”

Before he could say much more a visitor was outside the door talking to the nurse and getting the usual instructions not to mention my appearance or show shock.  The woman assured her that she had seen things about as bad as they could be and it was not problem.

Now I admit that I was hurt beyond description especially if you try it from the inside out but even I had to keep a bit of a sense of humor.  There had just not been anything I found too funny at that point…until….then and for some reason the situation struck me funny.  Maybe the stress and all played an emotional factor or maybe I am just a little bit warped.

I need to explain about the art stuff.  I have always loved arts and crafts.  I like to make sculptures and even playdoh flowers.  I like to paint a path and sunsets.  I might take a piece of charcoal from the bag for BBQ’s and do a sketch.  At Halloween there were dozens of people that would come by the house and ask me to do their makeup.  I can do

a great witch face.  This woman had always compliment my little art projects.

I had my glasses so I could actually see her.  She strolled into the room full of love, enthusiasm and a mission to cheer and show she cared.  Stopping midway her mouth fell open with a gasping sound as she clutched her chest and staggered a step backward.  I thought for a moment she would actually pass out.

Finally drawing in a deep breath she spoke softly almost like a person suffering some great shock.  “Oh my God, it even knocked off her eyebrows.  Her whole face is gone!!!!”

She did not intend it to sound mean or hurtful at all.  She was so shocked she could not contain the emotion.  My husband instantly reacted with a protective and almost angry outburst….but before he could even get started……..

I started to laugh.  It was the first time since the accident that I had laughed.  It struck me funny even though it was so sad.  She was so sure she could handle anything, but this must be really something…it knocked my eyebrows off.

I told her not to worry.  “It will not be that bad.  After all these years messing around with art I will just draw them back on.”  She regained her composure somewhat.  She saw no humor in my statement but realized the intense look from my husband showed his protective nature.

After she left I explained I was not trying to be stubborn or difficult but I had to be able to see for myself.  He became angry at the reaction and comment from my visitor but I told him it had done me no harm.  She was upset because she cared about me.  She was shocked by what she could see that I could not.  It was my face and I had the right to see it.

He would not give in until I threatened to climb out of bed and go until I found a mirror.  He knew that there was no way I could climb or get out of bed with all of the tubes and all but he did not want me to try.  He calmly explained that he did not feel that I was ready for that yet and because he loved me he wanted me to give it more time.

After talking he realized that I had to see or it was all I could think about.  He agreed to bring a mirror the next time he came because they had orders not to allow anything that would show my reflection in the room.

During all of this time I have to say that the nursing staff was so diligent and caring.  I never needed to call a nurse because there were there.  Maybe it is always like that in acute care but they were outstanding.  The doctor was the same way.  He was so patient and there in and out at all different times.  It was not the daily visit.  He cared.  He was and is amazing.  He also is very good at avoiding the discussion of a mirror.

***********

Albert came into the room looking depressed.  He silently sat in the chair with shoulder drooping as he stared at his hands.  I knew what it was.  He had promised to bring me a mirror and did not want to.  He wanted to protect me.  He also had promised.

I asked and he handed it to me.  I did not use it right then even though I wanted to grasp it and see what was left of me…see what had happened…see it all.  I did not want to risk getting upset and have him see it.  I reassured him since I had a mirror I was satisfied.  I would look later when I was ready. 

We had a nice visit but strained as I wanted to use that mirror and he wanted to snatch it back and take it away.  When the time neared he would have to leave he finally told me that he had to be there when I used the mirror.  He was not leaving me there alone to see something that he was sure would get better and he thought I should quit worrying about.

“It’s no problem.  I am sure no matter how bad it looks it will be a lot better when all of the stitches are out and swelling.  I can handle this.  I have to.  It is my face and I have to wear it the rest of my life.”

Before he could answer or argue, I opened the mirror and held it before me.  At first I felt confusion.  I peered into the mirror but could not find my face.  I could not see any face.  There was a mess of horrible colors similar to a modern art horror piece with eyes filled with pain, confusion and sadness that gazed back at me.

I could not breathe.  For long moments I could not breathe.  I realized that Albert was watching with concern waiting to see what would happen.  “WOW….I….ah..ah…wow.”  Emotions were building with such intensity I could barely hold them in let alone act as if all was going to be fine.  He looked as if he was ready to call for medical back up.

Breathe…breathe…a little deeper…long…slow…breaths….I can do this.  “I understand now why there were no mirrors.  I understand why you worried, but I am going to be all right.  I may never be fine, but I am glad that at least now I know.”  The eyebrow thing did not seem quite so funny anymore.

He stayed for a little while longer watching me closely.  When he was finally convinced I was as good as I might be expected to be he kissed me gently and told me he would be back as soon as he could.  I think he went straight to the nurses’ station.  I could hear people outside my door and knew they were there if I needed them.

I held the little mirror in my hand but did not feel the desire to look again or any closer.  What I had seen was etched in my mind and heart.  It was so horrible and it was me.  It almost seemed to be someone else….with sad frightened eyes.  I can still see those lost eyes looking back at me in that mirror.

I cried.  It poured out in gasping tortured sobs.  The nurses came in and it was time for my meds and I slept.

I can write no more right now but will be back soon.

IN THE PALM OF MY HAND

Not long ago a friend of mine asked what I felt the first time I actually held the proof of my book in my hands.  That is a difficult question to answer.  It is because there was such emotion that I find it hard to describe in mere words.  To really understand, it would take many pages to share what and how the book came to be.

I chose Life Goes On for many reasons.  I wanted to be able to do more than publish a book.  I wanted to see a dream come true.  I wanted to be able to reach out to others and let them see this and know that they can make their own dreams come true if they are willing to work hard and never give up.  I wanted to find a way to design a cover that could be special.  This is something that I had created from cover to cover and all that is in between.

Many years ago as we traveled and headed home, there blazed across the sky a sunset so intense that it took the breath away.  Gazing across the sky, it appeared the heavens themselves were afire.  We stopped the car and took a picture of it before we continued our journey.  No picture could equal the site, but the memory and feeling persisted through the years remembering what beauty often surrounds us in so many ways.

I chose that old photo and decided to try to turn it into a cover that would wrap around the entire book from front to back.  The title of Life Goes On is in the sky.

There are so many people that are and have suffered so many things in their lives.  Many have lost their jobs, savings, and even their homes.  There are personal problems and family problems and we often can feel overwhelmed and alone.  As I wrote this book I wanted the characters to seem real and come to life.  I wanted people to know them and love them or hate them but feel with them or for them.  I want it to be  more than just a story in a book.  I want it to be the story and the book is a story of it’s own.

I wanted to feel and see and hold it before I went in for the surgery.  I had most excellent doctors and medical care, but have been sick.  I have also had other health problems and even know what it feels like to not be able to wake up after surgery and exist on life support because you are no longer able to even breathe for yourself.  I feared that I had run out of time and the days were numbered.

The company I chose to self publish was and is CreateSpace.  I knew so little about all there is to do to make this become a real book but they worked patiently with me.  I could not wait to see the printed proof.  I had done the digital proof and knew that the actual book was on it’s way to my house.

I got so tired so easily by that time.  I did not even hear the truck that brought it up to the house but my husband went and got it for me.  He smiled with me as he handed the package to me.  At first I could not open it.  I held it in my hands knowing that it had finally arrived.  It was finally a real book and I held it in my hands.

I slid the book out and saw the detail of the sky ablaze with color and the tiny headlights of the travelers on the road.  It was real.  It was a dream held before me in my hands.  I had not words to say what I felt but the tears of joy that glistened in my eyes told it all.  Dreams really can come true if we never give up and are willing to try.  I am still trying and not going to give up…not today.